Am I Actually to Blame for My Divorced Parents’ Epic Meltdown?

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Q: My dad left my mom for another woman fifteen years ago. After a protracted nasty divorce, they have evolved into politely ignoring each other. My brother and I have frequently been asked to choose my mom over my father (clearly, boundaries aren’t her thing) in most matters. My independent relationships with both parents have been functional: I ignore my dad’s past bad behavior toward my mother, and my mom and I grew some polite emotional fences.

Four years ago, my dad married the other woman. I knew about it, and I never said anything to my mother (or brother). I told myself that my brother had been told or realized at some point (they wear wedding rings), but I never asked him to confirm. I actively decided not to share the news; I was afraid of the emotional fallout should my mom find out.

Fast-forward to the present: I asked my dad to tell my mom about his marriage before my wedding, so she wouldn’t find out the day of when he and his wife arrived sporting wedding bands. My mother has hit the roof. She says I have caused a huge rift and betrayed my brother. And surprise, she’s decided she can’t attend my wedding.

I feel terrible, but don’t know why. Is it because I’m in the wrong, or because I’ve been really effectively emotionally conditioned? Did I wreck my family and betray my brother? If so, how do I come to grips with what I did? — Anna

A: Dear Anna,

Let’s take a second, step back, and look at the situation. How many adults do you count involved? Because from where I’m standing, I see five: you, your brother, your mom, your dad, and your stepmother. In other words, that’s five grown-ass people who should be able to handle it without falling apart. And from what I can tell, four of you are… but your mom has a lot of work to do.

I don’t think this is about your brother—not even a little bit. If your dad and stepmom are both wearing wedding rings and he’s been around them, it’s safe to assume that he knows. I mean, it probably came up at least once or twice, right? “Oh hey son, how are you? We got married!” and so on. Also, hey. They’ve been together for fifteen years, so I think it goes without saying that you and your brother aren’t entirely surprised by this turn of events.

I think this is a hundred percent about your mom: her anger, sense of betrayal, and embarrassment. I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to have your husband (and the father of your children, no less) leave you for someone else, period. I don’t know how it feels to then have him STAY with the “other woman” for over a decade, because that’s got to eat at her. I’m sure it has been no picnic explaining what happened, over and over, to friends and family. I imagine that it would kind of suck to know that it’s all going on still, and that they’re as happy as can be.

But you know what? It’s been fifteen years, and no one grows from clinging to the past. I don’t know the specifics of what did or did not go down between your parents, but I do know that there’s no way it’s healthy for your mom to continue to harbor this much bitterness about the situation. Now she’s opting out of your wedding entirely? Does she also plan to opt out of future holidays and events? What happens if you and your partner have kids and the kids talk to her about their other grandparents? Do they get shut down? In other words, is it ever truly possible, or even realistic, to fully erase an extra partner from your life if kids are involved? Probably not.

If I were you, I wouldn’t make this conversation about your brother, and I wouldn’t cede any power by letting her do so. In no place did you state that your brother has been emotionally devastated or is dealing with any kind of fallout, so I’m assuming he wasn’t nearly as surprised or pissed off about their marriage as your mom was. Instead, I’d frame the conversation around your mom: What is she feeling, and why is she feeling it? And more importantly: Is their marriage really so terrible for her that she’ll miss this singular event in her own child’s life? After all, it’s not like your wedding will happen again.

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Want to Know How to Find Amazing Unique Wedding Venues?

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If you’re planning a wedding, then you already know what a pain in the ass it is to search for wedding venues. Because a venue is one of the few wedding-related things that is

  1. not optional. You can’t get married nowhere unless your wedding is an exercise in existentialism.
  2. really hard to compromise on. Unless cutting the guest list or doubling your budget is your idea of fun.

And that goes double if you’ve got your sights set on a non-traditional venue. Triple if your guest list is huge. Because you know it’s out there, you just have to suffer at the mercy of an endless Google search and lots of rejection to find it. And that’s where Peerspace comes in. Think of Peerspace as the Airbnb of venues. And I’m not talking about the easy-to-find one-and-done Google search results venues. I’m talking the super cute, hidden gem in the big city, actually affordable venue of your dreams.

Here’s where Peerspace and Airbnb are the same: you log into your account, search for venues in your area, and make reservations all through the Peerspace platform. And like Airbnb, Peerspace encourages customer reviews and lots of photos so you know exactly what to expect in each space. Here’s where they differ: the hosts on Peerspace actually want you to use their space for an event. Which applies to basically no Airbnb host ever.

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Peerspace also goes above and beyond to make sure that your booking process is simple and transparent. They vet every single host on their platform to make sure that they are being transparent and that you never have to deal with price discrimination. Peerspace currently has venues available in New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle, and Austin, with big plans for expansion. We actually had a chance to work with them ourselves on our recent ModCloth photo shoot (because finding affordable locations in San Francisco isn’t a pain just for weddings) and the process was as streamlined as I could have ever hoped for. Here’s how it works:

  • You can use the interactive map to search within a specific neighborhood, or broaden your horizons to a whole region.
  • Narrow your search down by venue type, number of guests, and price per hour. Peerspace venues run the gamut from tiny intimate venues to massive raw spaces that can fit five hundred or more people.
  • When you click on each listing, Peerspace will tell you the maximum number of attendees the venue can hold and if there’s a minimum number of hours you need to book.
  • Enter your dates and begin the booking process. You can also always message the host first to ask any questions.
  • Peerspace makes it easy to pay online once your booking has been approved (particularly useful if you’re paying by credit or debit card, or if someone else is footing the venue bill).

Once you’ve confirmed your event, Peerspace even has a concierge team available that can help you with any catering, furniture rentals, A/V rentals, or event staffing needs that might arise. And Peerspace isn’t just here for your wedding. You can find event spaces of every size for things like showers, engagement parties, or even that work event that you signed up to plan alongside your wedding (whoops). Here are just a few examples of the kinds of venues you can find with Peerspace:

1

Contemporary Art Gallery Exhibition Space in Central Los Angeles, CA ($300/hour

3

Brewery in Industrial Chic Warehouse in San Francisco, CA ($300/hour)

4

Luxurious Private Estate in Palo Alto, CA ($300/hour)

5

Midtown Modern Event Space in the Garment District of New York, NY ($325/hour)

6

Whimsically Hip Open Space in the Heart of East Austin, TX ($250/hour)

So if you’re tired of trying to hunt down that diamond in the rough venue, head over to Peerspace where it’s already waiting for you.

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This post was sponsored by Peerspace. Peerspace takes the frustration out of the venue search, by giving you direct access to all the unique venues you could never find before. Peerspace vets every host, making the booking process easy and transparent. They can even help with secure rentals and staffing for your event. Click here to find your perfect wedding venue today.