Learning That My Dad Never Loved Me Perfectly

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I grew up listening to my dad’s favorite music. The oldies station in New York, 101 CBS FM, was the only station we listened to in the car. Otis Redding, The Supremes, Aretha. Dad loved to blast music in the living room, and Bob Marley was often on the rotation. When I was in college and my friends would sit around smoking pot and listening to Legend, I’d be brought right back to my childhood. I also inherited my dad’s love of listening to songs on repeat. He once drove from New York to Washington, D.C. listening to “Sad Mood” by Sam Cooke for six hours by rewinding the tape player on the mini van over and over. I don’t think I’ve reached six hours for one song, but I’ve come close.

When it came time to find a song for the father-daughter dance for my wedding, I asked my dad to pick something out. I didn’t think it was a big deal to me. It was one of the areas of my wedding where I felt really flexible and was happy to create a space for my dad to contribute something he liked that was meaningful to him. At least, that’s what I thought.

I sent Dad links to some lists of suggested father-daughter songs. I listened to lots of them, noticing which ones touched me. I loved “Father and Daughter” by Paul Simon, but I knew that Dad probably wouldn’t choose that because he didn’t listen to Paul Simon. There were so many other oldies and artists he loved that captured the same spirit of Simon’s line “there will never be a father who loves his daughter more than I love you.” And I had a favorite that I was secretly hoping he’d chose: “Nothing Can Change This Love I Have For You” by Sam Cooke. “If you wanted to leave me and roam, when you got back I’d just say ‘welcome home,’ cause honey nothing, nothing, nothing can ever change this love I have for you.”

I bet you think this song is about you

Dad took a while to chose a song, I had to remind him about it a few times. Then one day he called to tell me that he found a song that would be great. “What a Wonderful World” by Louie Armstrong.

My heart sank.

I started running through the lines in my head. None of them were about how much a father loves his daughter. Not one. I was confused. I was upset. Really upset. Inexplicably upset, considering how flexible I thought I felt about this dance. I will admit it: I cried. And even as I was crying, I knew that it didn’t make sense, that it was completely out of proportion to the present moment situation. But there was a big sadness that took over and I didn’t know what to do with it except feel it and let it move through me.

As I stayed with this mysteriously over-inflated feeling about the seemingly innocuous father-daughter dance, I started to listen to the part of me that was heartbroken. I realized that it was a young part, a little girl who longed for her daddy to love her perfectly and profess that love publicly. It was a part of me that got hurt long ago, because no one can ever love us perfectly, because none of us are perfect. It was a part that never gave up hope that it could happen, though, and this wedding seemed like just the right time to make this dream come true.

No wonder I was so upset.

For this part of me, everything was at stake. This wedding was her last chance to be redeemed, to experience being truly and fully lovable by her father, and for everyone to see it. Only it wasn’t, of course. There would be no young child with her daddy on the dance floor. Just an adult woman and her father. The affirmation that I longed for couldn’t fill the need from the past, because we can’t re-write the past. The person who can really love that part of me now is me.

You were right, pops

And then that thing happened that so often happens when we let ourselves cry and feel our feelings. After a little while, I started to think more clearly. I could see the situation from a position grounded in the present, and I could see my dad for the man he is today, through the eyes of the adult woman I am today. From there I could see the beauty in the song my dad had chosen. For most of my life I would have described my father as cynical, though he would call himself a realist. Either way, “wonderful world” are not the words he would have used to describe life. But since he retired a few months earlier, his world changed. He felt joyful waking up in the morning. He felt excited to approach each day. And things like his beloved daughter getting married made him feel even more full of love for this “wonderful world.” I could suddenly feel what a gift it was that my dad felt this way about his life. I could see how beautiful it was that my wedding was a part of that. I realized that every part of my wedding did not have to be about me.

“I hear babies cry, I watch them grow. They’ll know much more than we’ll ever know, and I think to myself, what a wonderful world.”

I cried at the reception during the dance with my dad. They were tears of joy and gratitude and love. For him, for the ways he’s loved and supported me, for the look in his eyes when we danced. For this perfectly imperfect life.

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

Imani Photo Co. Is a Champion of Individuality and Inclusivity

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You know that that thing that happens when you’re engaged and the rest of the world stops viewing you as a complex human being with a unique back story and just sees you as The Bride (or Groom)? You know who, in a million years, would never ever do that? Nadiya Nacorda of Imani Fine Art Photography.

Nadiya gets this—and you—because she’s been there. While planning her own wedding (during the same year she launched her business because she’s ambitious like that), Nadiya found herself navigating the same kinds of complicated questions y’all are asking yourselves now: “How do I plan a wedding as a feminist?” “How do I deal with the fact that I want to keep my name?” “How do I tell my eighty-year-old conservative Catholic grandmother from the Philippines I’m not getting married in the church without giving her a heart attack?”

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Nadiya aims for her own experiences to serve her couples not only practically but emotionally as well. Having people that get you can bring a tremendous sense relief during a time that can be hard as well as joyful. As she says:

APW couples deserve to be treated as people and as individuals in order for their personalities to shine. For their quirks and idiosyncrasies to be celebrated not mushed. Quirky? Nerdy? Quiet? Loud? Bad joke teller? (No worries; me too.) Whatever personality, shape, size, orientation, or color, I am all about it. And above all, APW couples get why that is so important.

On my end, I want to learn about them, befriend them, and aid them in expressing that through their wedding day. In this wide wedding world, it’s hard to find people who won’t pigeonhole you or put you in a box once you drop the “W” word. I will not be that person. I won’t assume things about you. I won’t be shocked by your quirky family (I have one of those), off-beat decisions, non-traditional ceremony, or even your decision to NOT want a wedding and to elope at the courthouse instead.

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Nadiya’s quest to see you for you extends beyond her individual clients and into the wedding industry as a whole:

I’m a passionate Detroit native. My mother is from South Africa and my father was born in the Philippines. I experienced a myriad of cultural nuances from both sides of my family and grew up learning and listening to different languages as well. As a little mixed African and Asian girl growing up in a Michigan, I loved my quirky and different upbringing, but I rarely saw anyone who looked like me in the media, wedding or otherwise.

Okay, so why am I telling you this?

Because it shows how I came to be so passionate about diversity and how it is such a strong part of who I am. I want my business to be about more than gorgeous imagery and intimate service—I want Imani Photo to be a voice. A voice for all people to be represented, welcomed, and celebrated exactly as they are. This sentiment struck me especially hard when I was planning my own wedding. My husband and I are an interracial couple with his ancestors hailing from Norway, Poland, England, and Ireland. When we went to plan our wedding, we failed to see many people like us. And that is the case not only for interracial couples, but other types of couples as well, i.e. couples of color and LGBTQ couples. The issue isn’t that diverse couples are not out there, but that they just do not get the same time in the spotlight.

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That’s not all though. Nadiya of Imani Fine Art Photography is far more than a champion of individuality and inclusivity: she’s a killer photographer. Nadiya has a BFA in photography and film. She uses both digital and film to shoot weddings, and she will make fine art prints of your photos with her own two hands from her own printing studio!

Imani Fine Art Photography, which is based out of Richmond, Virginia, is offering free travel for weddings AND elopements in the entire US (including territories!) and a $500 flat rate for international travel to anyone that mentions this post. Weekend wedding coverage starts at $3,000 with very special rates starting at $1650 for elopements, weekday coverage, and last minute bookings.

Packages include:

  • 400 or 500 final digital and film high resolution jpgs (depending on time coverage)
  • An online gallery with direct download and share features for 30 days
  • Shared print rights
  • Fine art print options
  • Add-ons to make your perfect package (second photographer, custom fine art album, additional hours, etc.)

b65a9503_25695726701_obride and groom laughing in front of a brick wallAnd then there are the photos! Nadiya’s couples love the finished product just as much as they love working with her. As one happy client says:

She focuses in on who you are as a person, couple, and family, and she stays authentic and unique in the way she adheres to the environment. She paints the day through her lens and makes sure you remember every little detail, down to the flowers on the arbor, the doorway of your dressing room, your forehead against your mother’s as you remember the day she told you that you would find love. She is incredibly priced, kind hearted, and dang you really end up feeling satisfied that she was a part of your party!

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In short, Nadiya Nacorda of Imani Fine Art Photography is your woman if you’re looking for someone that will capture you, your partnership, and your family and friends for the multi-faceted glorious snowflakes you all are—all while bringing diversity and inclusivity to the wedding industry at large. Snap her up now if you’re getting married one of these Saturdays in 2016: June 4, June 11, July 23, August 13, August 27, September 10, September 24, November 12, December 3, or December 10. Or inquire here for availability on other dates or in 2017.

Imani Fine Art Photography is offering free travel throughout the United States (including territories) and a $500 flat rate for international travel. Mention this post when you reach out!