What Happened When I Was Hired to Lie to Someone’s Girlfriend

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I don’t want to brag, but I was a pretty great Murder Mystery Dinner Theater actor. It wasn’t glamorous, but it was an acting gig, it was local, it paid decent money, and it was fun. My role was to mingle as a ditsy but enthusiastic conversationalist who chewed bubble gum loudly, took bites of other people’s food without asking, and was offended and bemused when anyone suggested she might be the culprit.

Life was otherwise mundane; I was living with my parents as a single mom, waiting tables in the evenings, writing my goals (“savings account, move to LA! get a haircut? blog”) in a notebook, and generally wishing my life was something else. As Nada Klugh (pronounced “clue”… get it?), everything was different, and I looked forward to my weekly transformation. So when the troupe leader called me about a one-time gig that paid twice as much and sounded twice as fun, if not a little weird, I jumped at the chance.

The job was this: A man and his girlfriend were avid fans of conspiracy theories and secret societies. They liked comic books, video games, and cosplay. My role was to have drinks with them in a hotel lobby for one hour and talk with them about an imagined life as a wealthy socialite type who traveled the world with an extremely important, exclusive secret society that (possibly) controlled the entire world from behind thick oak doors and mysterious Venetian costume masks. It was an elaborate gift for her birthday, a chance to pretend that the Illuminati was real and attainable, and life could be like a movie. I arrived at the hotel with three other actors, in character immediately: an older, sophisticated gentlemen with a velvet blazer and crystal-encrusted walking cane, his perky female accomplice (me), and our bodyguards, played by two large men from the San Francisco opera who wore trim black suits and curly-wired earpieces.

The clock struck nine and the game began. It stopped being fun about five minutes later, when we all realized that one person didn’t know this was a birthday gift (and also didn’t know it was pretend). But the show must go on, and I am dedicated to the craft, so I insisted we order drinks. I made everyone taste my chocolate cocktail and giggled about ceremonies in Prague, my hidden tattoos, various international experiences like high school in Hong Kong and helicopter transportation in Rome. By the time I left with my colleagues, we had figured out that this seemed to be an elaborate way to validate some gaps in a relationship timeline—we were proof that the tales the (older, wealthy) man had been spinning were true, and the woman was relieved to learn that not only had he been telling the truth, he was also a member of a secret society.

You’re welcome. Happy birthday.

Ten years later, I still think about this one hour of my life all the time. I feel guilty, I feel angry, I feel curious. The more I think about it, the more unsure I feel about all the moving parts and what I could have done differently. Where does our responsibility fall when it involves someone else’s relationship and a different moral compass?

Pulling apart the layers of my discomfort, I realize that a part of my reaction is wrapped up in our society’s gender roles. For centuries, men have used their power to make people—especially women—do whatever they want them to do. This man used his money to corroborate lies, and to convince his girlfriend that he was more powerful than he already was. I still think about what it would have felt like if it had been the other way around. Honestly, I would probably admire a woman who went to such lengths for her own gain. I guess my moral compass has sexist biases.

I fantasize about finding the woman and having a lengthy conversation that includes an apology from me and juicy details from her. In the fantasy, though, I am the hero. But my night at the hotel, my ideas of what it would be like, aren’t based on reality. In real life, I have no idea what was really happening between the two of them. For all I know, they could be very happily married now. They could have children. He could have confessed everything to her that night. She could have actually been playing the game all along. (Bravo, sister.)

Playing a literal role in someone else’s private life was something I wasn’t really prepared for. But it made me think about all the relationships that we observe and participate in, sometimes without realizing it—and how uncomfortable that can be. Based only on the snapshot I had, I sensed a “victim” and a “manipulator,” but how do I know that was real? Should I have said something? What, exactly? I’m not sure that speaking up would have changed anything—after all, he was lying to her… but so was I.

We feel a certain curiosity about the lives of others—we want to know how our own lives stack up in comparison. I still don’t know if I wish I could follow up with her because I’m genuinely concerned, or because I’m curious to know how the relationship ended up.

Sometimes I think it’s a wonder that friends, lovers, and partners around the world trust each other at all.  I’ve come to appreciate the interdependent relationship between trust, faith, and love. There isn’t a universal understanding of these elements, so people learn to define them for themselves. The only way to know what a relationship’s foundation is built on is to talk about it; communication becomes the fourth pillar, and I believe it is more important than ever in this odd, odd world. 

There isn’t anything I can do about the game I participated in ten years ago, but I can make sure I only play myself, now and in the future.

3 Ways Printable Press Will Make Your Invitations More Awesome

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In the past, caring about your wedding stationery often meant one thing: work. If you had a particular vision in mind, it might mean a trip to Michael’s for ribbon, Paper and More for envelopes, Etsy for a return address stamp, and on and on… And by the time you were done, you’d have huffed so much rubber cement that even your paper cuts were high. But with Printable Press, it doesn’t have to be work to be beautiful on your terms.

Printable Press offers everything from artfully designed invitations (that you can customize in all kinds of color combos), to save-the-dates, menus, favor tags, stickers, logos, address stamps, and just about anything else you could imagine. And because Printable Press offers their designs a la carte in both printed options and downloadable templates that you can print at home, you don’t have to buy some matchy-matchy suite just to get all the goods. You can pick the stuff you want, lose the stuff you don’t, and end up with wedding stationery that feels totally true to you and your partner. In fact, here are three ways Printable Press will make your wedding just a little easier:

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1. artful wedding invitations you can make your own

Kimi, the founder and designer behind Printable Press, prioritizes designs that don’t look like everything else out there. She’s got a flair for combining the natural with the modern and calls her personal style “Urban Rustic.” She says, “I love the city, the hustle and bustle, and museums and crisp lines, but I also love tramping about in the woods gathering moss and ferns and violets.” (Don’t worry, she’s also got calligraphy designs, modern designs, and classically lovely designs that totally nail traditional while still keeping things fresh.)

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Printable Press invites are available printed on super thick, luxe card stock ($209 for 100 invites and free envelopes), or as a digital download ($79) if you’d rather print at home or at a local printer. Printable Press also offers a free sample pack so you can feel the quality of the paper and see sample designs in person. And of course, every invitation is customizable; all changes from fonts to custom colors are just $25 per change, and are applied to your whole invitation suite—meaning if you change your font for your invitations, you don’t have to pay to have it changed everywhere else.

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2. #lazygirl diy (all the reward FOR half the work)

  • Belly bands: These are such an easy way to make your invites look like you tried just a little harder (you know, if you care about that). Printed belly bands start at $25 or a DIY-printable is $15. (Psst, you can also download a free Printable Press belly band design right here.)
  • Return and guest addressing: Return addresses and guest addresses that match your invitation. So pretty, so few hand cramps. Bonus! Printable Press carefully reviews and adjusts each and every address as needed, making sure there’s no wonky formatting. Return address printing is $70 for 100 envelopes, and guest addressing is $1.45 per envelope.

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  • Return address rubber stamps: Same hand cramp-saving designs, more affordable price. Plus, you can bust out your rubber stamp for everything from save-the-dates to shower thank yous, wedding thank yous, and all those bits of correspondence that sneak their way into a wedding. (Bonus: Did you know there’s a right way to use a rubber stamp? Kimi breaks it down here.) Return address stamps are $55.
  • Wedding logos: Available in rubber stamps ($55), stickers (100 for $65), and printables ($25). (Pro-tip: Get the printable file and you can even use it to customize your wedding website.)

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3. even more #lazygirl answers

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  • Menus: Printed menus start at $77, or a DIY-printable is $74.
  • Place cards and table numbers: Printed cards start at $41, or a DIY-printable is $12; printed numbers start at $32, or a DIY-printable is $12.
  • Thank you cards: You know you need to write thank you cards because Stephanie said so, so save yourself the trouble and just order them when you get your invites. (And for the procrastinators and over-thinkers out there, Kimi has written an awesome plug-and-play how-to. Tweak and send until you get ’em done.) Printed cards start at $69, or a DIY-printable is $32.

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NEW! Chocolate bar wrappers

I’m pretty much always grateful for edible favors (nothing staves off a wedding hangover quite like finding snacks in your purse at midnight). But if you’ve looked for a DIY option that won’t break the bank (or your back), you may have noticed that what’s currently available online is… not cute. That’s why Printable Press just introduced twenty new printable custom chocolate bar wrapper designs, and y’all, I want to keep these around my house, that’s how pretty they are. These chocolate bar wrappers are available as digital files for just $14.95 and give you the freedom to make as many copies as your heart desires.

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No description of Printable Press would be complete without mentioning Kimi’s stellar customer service. Don’t be fooled by the multitude of options; Printable Press is still very much a small business, run mostly by Kimi herself. And she prides herself on making sure your wedding paper is just right. As one happy client says:

Kimi at Printable Press was relatable, fun, professional, and easy to work with! She answered all my questions both by phone and email promptly. My fiancé and I were working on a tight timeline and Kimi helped us get our wedding invitations and a wedding stationary stamp all on time (actually ahead of schedule!). The color and texture of the invitations is beautiful and exactly what I expected. The paper, ink, and manufacturing is truly top of the line and high quality. So many of our guests have already commented on how uniquely stunning the invitations are! I appreciated how patient Kimi was when working with us through the invitation proofs as we made little changes here and there. She let us customize our invitation wording to fit our personalities and never made us feel like we were inconveniencing her with our requests. Printable Press has the personality and feel of an intimate small business with exceptionally professional and well-designed products! I would recommend them to all folks preparing for their big day… in fact, I already referred a friend! Thank you again, Kimi! So grateful that we found your company! xoxoxo

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So if you have found yourself in the #lazygirl conundrum of wanting pretty wedding stationery with options, but don’t actually want to have to, you know, do anything about it but go shopping, then head to Printable Press right now. Because convenience, options, beautiful design, and a great price shouldn’t be mutually exclusive.

PRINTABLE PRESS IS OFFERING APW READERS 15% OFF ALL ORDERS placed by the end of July! Use the code APWSUMMER16 AT CHECKOUT TO REDEEM.