The MOB Is Freaking Me out (and It’s Not Even My Wedding)

mother tying sash on daughter's wedding dress

Q: My best friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. We’ve been friends for over ten years, and she was a bridesmaid in both of my weddings. Even though I live on the West Coast and she resides on the East Coast, it was a no-brainer.

Both my weddings were very simple: few guests, no shower, no bachelorette, and no need to buy a special dress. I assumed I’d need to buy a dress, but my friend never set expectations that I’d be involved much beyond that.

Quite out of the blue, I found out that I’m being recruited to plan and host a very large bridal shower (fifty-eight guests) at a nice restaurant. I say “found out” because I learned of this after the fact. The two other bridesmaids and the mother of the bride started planning it all without me. The mother of the bride let me know that the bridesmaids are responsible for: invitations, postage, decorations, guest book, flowers, other centerpieces, games and prizes, favors, and cake.

I’m concerned because the mother of the bride has been very specific in her expectations of how each of these items should be handled. For example, the invitations need to be paper, not digital. And the favors need to be bought, not homemade or DIY.

Every day I receive emails of the things she’s seen on Pinterest, or of a new idea to consider. The other bridesmaids and I talked about a budget, but I’m really concerned that she hasn’t been sensitive to that, since she’s carrying the lion’s share of the cost for food and drinks for the guests.

The bride doesn’t know at all what is going on, and definitely didn’t dictate the large guest list or elaborate planning effort. I’m feeling conflicted because the bride asked me to be a bridesmaid and she’s one of my closest friends, but her mother is making the shower planning distasteful. I’m not able to shell out hundreds of dollars to fly to the shower, and also cover all of the expensive items the mother of the bride wants to include. I’m thinking of telling the bride that I can’t be a bridesmaid, if only to get the constant emails from her mother to stop.

Help! There has to be a better way!

-Anonymous

A: Dear Anonymous,

This is all just a part of the bridesmaid deal. Not the shower, but her mom.

I know you’re frustrated that your friend didn’t lay out her expectations for you up front. But the bridal shower isn’t the problem here; Mom’s wild demands are. When you’re asked to be a bridesmaid, a (hopefully) pretty dress is involved, but “manage my crazy family” is also implied, no matter how small or big or low-key or fancy the wedding. By agreeing to be a bridesmaid, you agree to take those punches—in large part to spare the bride. (Besides, you said the bride has no idea this shower is happening—how could she brace you for something she herself didn’t know about?)

Hopefully, this all points to your friend planning the wedding she wants, and her mom exhausting all of her hopes and dreams and desires on this shower. You might be saving your friend this hassle, fielding all of the Pinterest emails so she doesn’t have to. Wouldn’t that be nice? You’re doing some noble (albeit irritating) work.

Handling Mom’s demands doesn’t necessarily mean caving to all of them. If your money is being spent, you have a say in how. You mentioned that you and the other bridesmaids came up with a budget—do some research and see what you can get within that budget. It probably means some compromises. You’re right that she’s probably not aware of your budget restrictions, so voice them. If she sends another expensive idea, you can say, “That’s lovely! But if we do that, we’ll need to cut back over here, or we’ll be over budget.” An unfortunate part of handling family for your friend is being willing to be the bad guy occasionally. Sure, you want to keep Mom as happy as possible. But there are actual facts (like how much money you have in the bank) that you also have to contend with, and it’s better that you say so up front than overextend yourself and grow to resent your friend.

And, psst: I know you were frustrated when you wrote this email, but I want to mention something right quick. Not everyone is going to have your wedding. It’s fabulous that you planned a low-stress wedding, considerate of your bridal party. But one bride’s “low-stress” is her bridesmaid’s “uh, yeah, right.” And, having planned weddings before, you can understand that there are many priorities in the balance. (Plus, nobody picks their Mama.)

Godspeed, Anonymous. This part of being a friend isn’t easy.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ASK APW A QUESTIONPLEASE DON’T BE SHY! IF YOU WOULD PREFER NOT TO BE NAMED, ANONYMOUS QUESTIONS ARE ALSO ACCEPTED. (THOUGH IT REALLY MAKES OUR DAY WHEN YOU COME UP WITH A CLEVER SIGN-OFF!)

15 Modern, Ethical, and Beautiful Wedding Rings Under $500

row of gold wedding rings
By the time you’re shopping for rings, you’ve probably learned—possibly the hard way—that wedding planning takes lots of compromise. Sometimes the exhausting, “I never want to make another decision ever again” kind of compromise. Which is why we do a little dance at our desks every time we see a vendor like Seattle-based Aide-mémoire Jewelry, which will make your rings one area of planning that requires exactly zero compromise—from design, to materials, to customer service, to price.

gold and diamond wedding bands Aide-memoire

Founder and designer Aran Galligan’s work is inspired by modern design—clean lines, function over form, and staying true to the materials used. They are classic and timeless, but with a subtle handmade feel that makes them more unique than a standard band from a big-box jewelry store.

Every Aide-mémoire ring is custom made by hand using techniques that combine traditional metalworking with computer-aided design technology, and partnerships with local master stone setters and engravers to ensure the highest quality.

rose gold diamond engagement ring Aide-memoire

And when Aide-mémoire uses the terms “ethical” and “eco-friendly,” they really mean it. Committed to maintaining integrity in everything they do, Aide-mémoire carefully researches materials and suppliers, and uses one hundred percent recycled precious metals, and recycled and lab-grown diamonds and gemstones in a low-impact studio environment. (All packing materials are reused and reusable, recyclable, and compostable, with minimal use of plastic.)

Plus, Aide-mémoire also makes monthly donations to a selection of nonprofits, including Lambda LegalDirect Relief, The Hunger ProjectHuman Rights Campaign and Ethical Metalsmiths.

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Remember what I said about not compromising? Yup, not even over price. Aran is a big proponent of choosing gold over sterling silver due to its durability, and Aide-mémoire’s selection of gold bands is incredibly reasonable, starting at just $100. See for yourself:

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Stone Texture Hand-Carved Classic Band, $450

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Flush Set Square Diamond Ring, $430

14k_Rose_Gold_Dot_Ancient_Ring

Dot Ancient Texture Ring, $225

1.25mm_Square_Wood_Texture_-_14k_Yellow_Gold-5

Women’s Wood Textured Square Band, $125

1.5x.75mm_Flat_Palladium wedding band

Women’s Slim & Skinny Flat Band, $100

rose gold wedding band aide-memoire

Women’s Edgeless Band, $265

diamond and yellow gold wedding band aide-memoire

Square Solitaire Engagement Ring, $420

5mm_Flat_Band_14k_White_Gold-4_1024x1024

Men’s Light Weight Flat Simple Band, $390

3mm_Slim_Flat_Textured_14k_Rose_Gold wedding ring

Light Weight Hammer Texture Flat Simple Band, $250

14g_rustic_14k_yellow_womens wedding ring

Women’s Rustic Textured Round Ring, $95

4mm_Moissanite_Palladium_Delicate_Subtle_Engagement_Ring

Delicate & Subtle Engagement Ring, $420

2mm_Classic_14k_Rose_Gold wedding ring

Women’s Classic Simple Band, $225

10k_Yellow_Gold_3mm_Classic_Ancient_Band wedding

3mm Women’s Classic Ancient Band, $280

Oblique_Square_Solitaire_-_10k_Yellow_Gold_Moissanite wedding ring

Oblique Square Solitaire Engagement Ring, $420

concrete texture gold wedding band aide-memoire

Women’s Concrete Band, $485

NEW: While you’re shopping, don’t forget to check out Aide-mémoire’s selection of attendant gifts that will actually be used well beyond your wedding day, featuring handmade and/or eco-friendly items by makers like Alchemy Goods, Forge & Nail, Italic Home, and Steel Toe Studios.

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And if you’re in the Seattle area, you can shop for an Aide-mémoire ring in person at their adorable Wallingford work studio and salon. Book a free half-hour consultation here to visit and view samples, discuss options, and work on finding the perfect piece—whether that’s a wedding band, engagement ring, or ethical stone. Not going to be in Seattle, but still have questions? You can also book a Skype session here.

AIDE-Mémoire Jewelry specializes in CREATING future heirlooms that Won’t desTROY the environment or your BUDGET. VISIT THEIR ONLINE STORE FOR MORE BEAUTIFUL, ETHICAL, AND AFFORDABLE DESIGNS TODAY.