How Do You Know What Responsibilities You Have in Your Marriage?

man and woman with feet touching

About a year before David and I started dating, back when we were just (platonic) best friends, we were sitting at the Irish pub downstairs from his apartment, eating shepherd’s pie while outlining our plans for future lifelong relationships.

“I’ve come up with a list,” I said.

He raised an eyebrow. “This should be good.”

“Okay, this is it: smart, makes me laugh, and doesn’t put up with my shit.”

David laughed. “Doesn’t put up with your shit? You’re kind of a handful. How are you going to pull that one off?”

The short answer was, apparently, marrying him. The long answer was that he has reminded me of that pronouncement hundreds of times during fights. “You said you didn’t want someone who put up with your shit,” he says (over and over), “so I’m calling you on it.” And while it’s deadly annoying to be reminded of that mid-argument… he’s not wrong. For us, at least, that’s part of what partnership is.

Which brings me to my question: What do we owe our partners? When all is said and done, what are the fundamental responsibilities we have to the person we’re spending our lives with, and what responsibilities do they have to us? If I’ve learned anything from all these years of writing about marriage, it’s that the ground rules of every relationship are different, and that there are as many different ideas about fundamental responsibilities as there are humans on the planet.

For us, I think it’s pretty simple. While there are a ton of nice-to-haves (dinners out? Sleeping at a hotel through the night? A girl can dream), my basic list shakes out about the same way it did that night when I was twenty-three and sketching out my future over beer:

  • Basic physical and emotional care. Is one of us struggling with depression, or having a weird pain that we don’t quite want to get checked out? It’s the other one’s job to make sure we get to the doctor, like it or not.
  • Making each other laugh. And sex too. But laughing might be even more important.
  • Pushing each other. Write that book. Push for the promotion. Take more time off to spend with the kids. Whatever the goal is, we push each other to go further than we would on our own. (I owe my two book deals to David’s insistent nudging, though every word of the books is mine.)
  • Not putting up with each other’s shit. As I suspected way back when, this is our most important rule. And as David suspected, it’s often the most unpleasant one to act on. But we’re on deck with each other, saying, “No, don’t send that angry email.” Saying, “Yes, you probably need to have that conversation you’re avoiding.” Saying, “I know three-year-olds are difficult, but you need to try to have more patience.” Saying, “Listen to me more.” Saying, “Hey, you need to go to therapy and deal with that.”

People often say they married their best friend, and… I actually did. I married my former platonic best friend. But I don’t consider him my best friend anymore, simply because we have responsibilities to each other that BFFs don’t. (Or at least ones that BFFs can avoid, if they want to.) For us, our marriage vows mean a commitment to having all those hard conversations, and stepping in to kindly inform our spouse that it’s possible (just possible) that they made a mistake, or are avoiding a responsibility, or generally acting poorly, and they should probably fix it. Our job is to step in and say the things the other person doesn’t want to hear, because the rest of the world probably isn’t going to tell them.

Sometimes it’s sort of miserable, and it’s a lot of work. But hey, I’m pretty sure that’s why we get the sex too. And the cute babies.

Every couple works differently. What do you consider your responsibilities to your partner, and they to you? What do you NOT consider to be their responsibility? (I don’t consider my happiness to be my spouse’s responsibility, for example.) Where do you feel like YOU’RE meeting your responsibilities to each other, and where do you think you’re falling short?

17 Naked Cakes and How to Make Your Own

What do you know about naked cakes? Before embarking on this beast of a post, which would end up consuming hours of my working (and sleeping, because cake dreams) life, I didn’t know much of anything. I now realize that my former stance (“I mean, I don’t know, cake is cake!”) was woefully inaccurate: All cake is not created equal. What I now know is that naked cakes trump just about every other cake alternative: they don’t leave your cake dry like fondant can, you get the best of both worlds (frosting, but not too much!), and as you’ll see below, you can decorate them however you please.

small naked cake with flowers

Rustic with a touch of colorful flair, this cake can be as versatile as you need it to be.

Photo and Recipe by Buttered Side Up

While there are dozens of ways to un-decorated cakes for your wedding, I’ve isolated five that truly stand out: the ombré cake, the minimalist cake, the almost nude cake (more frosting than you see on traditional naked cakes), then there are the floral version, and the chocolate naked cakes (OMG, why hasn’t this become a bigger thing?). But let’s get right down to what you really want: the pictures.

OMBRÉ NAKED CAKEs

green ombre cake

Transitioning from one color to another is an easy way to liven up your wedding cake.

Photo by Vilma Vaičiulė via Du Abu

cake with yellow and orange flowers

Complimentary roses and strawberries will never be out of place.

Photo by Sarah McKenzie via Style Me Pretty | Cake by Sugary & Chic

ombre cake with white flowers

Just because it’s naked doesn’t make this cake any less amazing with all three tiers leading upwards to the sky.

Photo by Happy Confetti Photography via Wedding Chicks | Cake by Big Sugar Bakeshop

MINIMALIST NAKED CAKEs

minimalist white cake with berries

Naked cakes are kind of like damaged or deconstructed jeans. You want them to look like you’re trying, but not trying tooooo hard. This cake succeeds in the not trying too hard department.

Photo by Whitney Heard via Magnolia Rouge | Cake by Sweet Art

Naked cake covered in blackberries

Yellow cake and black berries. Classic.

Photo by Marina Koslow via Style Me Pretty | Cake by Foxtail Bake Shop

rustic winter minimalist cake

Cinnamon sticks atop a perfectly deconstructed naked cake. What more do you need?

Photo by Jacque Lynn Photography via Elizabeth Anne Designs | Cake by One Sweet Slice

THE ALMOST NAKED CAKEs

apple spice cake with drizzle

Like an explosion drizzled melted caramel and everyone will be asking “When can we finally have some cake?!”

Photo and Recipe by The First Year Blog

caramel and chocolate cake

Rustic? Check. Fall inspired? Check. Excellent application of a theme without being kitschy or cheesy? CHECK.

Photo and Recipe by Alana Jones-Mann

citrus wedding cake

A citrus dress covering all the vital bits of this naked cake.

Photo and Recipe by Alana Jones-Mann

FLORAL NAKED CAKEs

cake with wildflowers

The right combination of color, texture, and shape.

Photo and Recipe by Style Sweet CA

cake with peonies

Clean, simple, yet bold, all at the same time.

Photo and Tutorial by Kaylee Giffin via Style Me Pretty

bohemian cake with flowers and strawberries

Like we said earlier – the right roses and strawberries. Nothing will go wrong.

Photo by Suzuran Photography via Wedd Book

THE CHOCOLATE NAKED CAKE

chocolate cake with gold leaf

Say it with me, “Gold leaf chocolate cake. Gold Leaf Chocolate Cake. GOLD LEAF CHOCOLATE CAKE!”

Photo by Diana McGregor Photography via Style Me Pretty | Cake by Frost It Cakery

chocolate cake with white flowers

7 layers of chocolate cake makes sure that there’s at least enough to share… if you want to share. Or not.

Photo by Blumenthal Photography via Polka Dot Bride | Cake by Simmone Logue

chocolate cake with powdered sugar and roses

Branches sticking out of the top of your cake won’t make anyone think about… branches sticking out of the top of your cake. Not at all.

Photo by Paul Bamford via Bajan Wed | Cake by Kelly Hancock

IN CASE YOU WANT TO MAKE Your Own

partially made naked cake

A clean, minimalist naked cake.

Photo by Girls Versus Dough | Recipe by The Baker Chick

I am the type of person who basically fails at every cake I try to make. I am ninety-five percent sure the reason I fail is that I don’t heed the advice I’m about to dish: I like to blow into the kitchen, throw everything into a bowl, pop it in the oven, and put frosting or decorations on while the cake is still warm. I do this every time. APW, don’t be like me—follow these tips for making your own naked cakes instead:

Have realistic expectations: We are not all incredible bakers, and that’s okay. I know we all have that one friend who can recreate anything Pinterest throws at them, but that’s not everyone. I think the number one most important rule of baking fancy cakes is to know your limitations, what you’ve done in the past, and what you think you’re reasonably capable of pulling off.

Don’t go big the first time: In other words, don’t try to make a seven-layer masterpiece the first time around. Instead, maybe go small: two or three smallish layers, all stacked on top of one another, with frosting in between but not all around (like the photo above).

Ask for help: Enlist the help of someone who is patient, kind, and won’t be shocked by foul language.

Clean your kitchen: I mentioned it above, but one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in the past is not cleaning my kitchen ahead of time. It turns out making these cakes (or any kind of cake, for that matter) means making a huge mess.

Double-check your ingredients list: This, this, this. Always make sure you have what you need before you start trying to bake.

Make the cake from scratch: You want a recipe with structure—box mixes make cake so soft that making a naked cake out of one would be a huge challenge. I used this basic white cake recipe (which fair warning, is really sweet), but there are plenty more out there.

Set aside the entire day (art takes time): Here’s how I feel about time and baking: Sure, you need to make sure you have set apart enough time for prep, baking, and cleanup… but if you’re making something new for the first time, you also need to have time for error. And for the love of all things precious in life, give yourself all day long if you’re baking your own wedding cake.

Chill your cake (and frosting) before you ice it: It turns out cold cake is easier to work with (and so is cold frosting). I popped my cakes into the fridge an hour before icing them, and everything went waaaayyy better than it usually does.

Use a spatula to frost the cake: I’ve always heard that people use a spatula to frost their cakes, but never believed this was a viable option until I tried making my own cake and gave it a whirl. I only have one spatula, and it’s not particularly nice or cake-specific, but it frosted that cake better than any butter knife, ever.

You don’t need a spinning cake stand: I didn’t realize that the domed top many cakes bake with would be an issue for these cakes until I had to actually stack them on top of each other. While researching, I saw video after video of people slowly, patiently removing the dome top of their cakes while rotating the cake on a spinning cake stand. I don’t have one of those, so I just used a serrated knife and took the top off that way. It worked!

Practice often, and have a backup plan: Whether it’s swinging by Whole Foods or Publix, or asking your mom to whip up something incredible at the last minute, make sure you know what you’ll do if you don’t end up pulling off the naked cake of your dreams.

And if you want to make a (clothed) wedding cake, we’ve got you covered. (Ha.)