APW Happy Hour

10844251_809977492382011_1331173201_n

Hey APW,

I–and the whole team at APW—comes to you today without the right words. Most of us have been crying on and off for days. The team tried to work on an essay on whiteness and race yesterday, which involved us all arguing with each other for hours, because well… no words seem like the right words right now. Other than their names: Alton Sterling. Philando Castile. Brent Thompson, Patrick Zamarripa, Michael Krol, and two additional Dallas police officers.

As a human, I’m hit by overwhelming fear for so many people I love, for my East Oakland neighborhood and community, and for the heavily black city where I grew up. I’m struggling with the knowledge that I benefit from the construct of whiteness, and there is no specific action I can take that will offset that. So in the face of an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and grief, I’m trying to take small actions. Listening. Reading. Donating to the ACLU Civil Defense Fund for police brutality. Standing in solidarity. And living with the knowledge that nothing I can do alone will be enough.

Here is your open thread.

MEG

Link Roundup

This: “Concrete Ways to Be an Actual Ally to Black People.”

Curriculum for White Americans to Educate Themselves on Race and Racism-from Ferguson to Charleston

What You Can Do Right Now About Police Brutality

This is what white people can do to support #BlackLivesMatter

The Counted: people killed by police in the US

This Joyful Orchard Wedding Will Make You Smile

latwoods-1172

Ciarra & Christopher

Sum-up of the wedding vibe: Deliberately pared down and perfectly us.

Planned budget: $5,000

Actual budget: $10,000

Number of guests: 70

latwoods-1071latwoods-1000latwoods-1122latwoods-1158
Where we allocated the most funds:

From the beginning of the wedding planning process, I knew preserving the memories from the event would be the most important to me. For this reason, I budgeted quite a bit for a videographer. I already knew of the company, as the founder was a classmate of mine in art school. All of the staff at 822 Weddings are such a talented bunch that putting up most of our hard-earned funds for their services was totally worth it.

Close behind were food and the photo booth service.

latwoods-1110latwoods-1081b6

Where we allocated the least funds:

Décor. My beau and I are artists and care about aesthetics, but we also work in the nonprofit world, which means we had a very lean budget. For that reason we decided the settings should be so visually appealing that all we would need was candles and flowers for the day of. Mission accomplished! Any other décor was borrowed from our apartment, with the exception of a few candlesticks and small glass containers purchased at our favorite thrift store, Boomerangs.
latwoods-1021latwoods-1022 latwoods-1028

What was totally worth it:

Going through the heartache of losing a venue. We originally secured a date at a local arts nonprofit, but they closed their doors permanently a few months after we had confirmed our date. Initially, it was devastating and sent me into a panic; however, it ultimately freed us up to make other venue choices that worked better for us.

Also, the agony of making my invitations by hand was worth it in the end. I got this idea in my head that they would feature a piece of art on wood veneer with the information printed on vellum and laid on top. The only problem was that I would need to silkscreen said artwork, and I didn’t know how. So, with the advice of a friend, I taught myself how to silkscreen, design an invitation suite, use Photoshop, and print on vellum. Three weeks, several trips to the stationery store, and a lot of sweat and tears later, I had the invitations that I wanted.

b27latwoods-1039 latwoods-1037

What was totally not worth it:

Worrying about what one is “supposed” to do, or things one “has” to do for their wedding. For the most part, we stayed away from convention, but it was hard not to worry about what well-meaning friends and family advised us to do.

latwoods-1260latwoods-1053latwoods-1060

A few things that helped us along the way:

  • APW. Like, seriously. Through APW, I was exposed to lots of nontraditional versions of weddings, given lots of advice, and guided through confusing wedding etiquette. APW provided loads of templates, tutorials, and examples that helped me shape my loosey-goosey ideas into a real wedding plan.
  • An online DIY wedding planning course. At an alternative wedding expo, I met the woman who runs the program and decided I needed some guidance.
  • Talented volunteers. The flowers, photography, ceremony site, day-of coordination, and cutting cake were all donated by my talented friends. Each of them volunteered their respective talents when they learned we were planning our wedding.
  • Staying true to ourselves. I know this sounds trite, but talking about what was important to us before we started planning helped. I constantly referred back to our initial wedding conversations when I felt pressure from the outside world to do things differently from how I wanted. I also identified a friend who had planned and executed her own DIY wedding (and also knows me very well) to vent to, bounce ideas off of, and lean on for support. She helped remind me what was important when things seemed tough.
  • Not gonna lie: financial support from our families. We originally hoped to pay for everything ourselves, but as the guest list evolved, so did our funding strategy.

latwoods-1199latwoods-1050latwoods-1207
My best practical advice for my planning self:

Believe people when they say you’ll need help, and believe people when they say they want to help. I’m an only child, kind of bossy, and pretty independent. I was convinced that I could do this all by myself and it would be perfect and all anyone else would need to do would be to show up. I. Was. Wrong.

After some extensive scouring of APW’s “How We Did It” pieces and a few weeks into my online course, I realized I’m not an expert at everything and I don’t need to be. It took a bit of introspection and swallowing of pride, but I began to let people in. I’m so glad I did. Once I let go of how things were executed and who was executing them, I was less stressed, and the creativity of the people around me made something more beautiful than I could have created on my own.

latwoods-1202latwoods-1238latwoods-1235

FAVORITE THING ABOUT THE WEDDING:

Am I allowed to answer “EVERYTHING!”? No? Okay. Truly, my favorite thing was that the wedding ceremony took place exactly where my beau had suggested long before he proposed. When we first met (and he was trying to woo me) he suggested we get married in an apple orchard. I thought that sounded like a line (it was) and totally unrealistic (although gorgeous). Four years later, it came to fruition.

c33alatwoods-1225latwoods-1281
Anything else TO SHARE:

We really stuck to our vision of making this wedding all about us, and I believed it paid off. We decided that elements that would last beyond the one day were worth putting time, energy, and money toward, and everything else was superfluous. We chose to forego an engagement party, engagement shoot, groomsmen and bridesmaids, rehearsal dinner, etc.

The things we did spend time, money, and energy on were the personal touches—from having my cousin perform the ceremony, to enlisting friends to decorate, document, and coordinate, everything felt immensely genuine. We decided to incorporate our own “union” tradition. We chose to untie the knot demonstrating our partnership as one built on figuring out life’s problems together. That concept resonated with us more strongly than us tying the knot to symbolize us being bound together by marriage.

We are lucky in that we had the support of our friends and family, no religious or cultural restrictions, and a bevy of talent at our disposal. If you can, we recommend throwing caution to the wind and making the day your own. You probably won’t have time to worry about all of the little details on the day of, and your guests won’t notice what is or isn’t executed perfectly, so don’t worry about them in the planning process either. Who cares if all of the bridesmaids have their toenails painted the same color, or if the caterers ran out of the house dressing? All that will last after the wedding are the photos, the feelings from the day, and your marriage.