The 7 Secrets I Learned in 7 Years of Marriage

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The other week, I went to dance class for the first time in years, after having two babies back to back. I was hoping for anonymity as I worked my way back from inflexibility, so I blocked out the possibility that anyone in that class might recognize my face. But of course, in a room packed with women of marriageable age, that was not to be. After class, drenched in sweat and lamenting not warming up properly, I heard, “Hey! Are you Meg Keene?” and saw the smiling face of a woman telling me she was getting married in August.

“August is the best month for weddings,” I said. “We’re celebrating seven years.” I saw the ‘holyshitsevenyears’ look on her face, and realized just how fast it’s flown by. “Blink your eyes, and suddenly it’ll be your seven-year anniversary,” I said. “In your thirties, life just happens so fast, and it flies.”

And so, here I am. Seven years from the day we stood up and made those vows. Seven years from marking my wedding day on the Internet. Seven years since we made those seven circles around each other. The seven-year itch. The mystical wedding number of seven, contained in so many ways, in so many ceremonies around the world.

Which leads me to wonder what I’ve learned in those seven years (other than understanding marriage is an impossible task). Because while they may have gone by in a flash, they contained multitudes—two books, two kids, two deaths, two careers. They contained triumphs and tragedies, and everything in between. So without further ado, here is my best stuff so far.

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1.Kids don’t ruin your marriage. When we got married and having kids suddenly seemed to be the done thing, I panicked. We agreed not to revisit the question for three years, and to just live a little as a twosome. Of course, life being life, three years later we had a bouncing baby boy, and two years after that, we had an adorable baby girl. Because, you know, I love my husband a lot, so I was worried that having kids would destroy what we had together. And while kids are hard (see below), as APW writers had previously predicted, having kids didn’t ruin our marriage. As it turns out, there is no one else on this earth who loves those two kids as much as I do… other than David. If I want to wax poetic about the baby’s chubby legs, or laugh about the hilarious thing our preschooler said, nobody will get it like he does. There is nobody else who would unquestionably throw themselves in front of a truck or a bullet for those tiny humans. And the only person they love as intensely as me is him (and each other).

2. Life is hard; your relationship shouldn’t be (you know, most of the time). Like pretty much everyone else, I spent my early years in emotionally… complex… relationships. In a society that glamorizes the types of relationships portrayed on Sex and the City, I think this is pretty much par for the course. And sure, I had the dramatic-sounding relationship with a drug addict in high school. And while it had all the ups and downs of an Ani DiFranco song, he was fundamentally a pretty nice kid. But then I subjected myself to the relationship with the “nice guy” in college, who I don’t have a single kind word for, all these years later. At some point, I read an essay on the Internet where someone said, “The right relationship isn’t hard,” and something clicked. And my relationship with David always had a sense of ease to it. Sure, we fought. But there was never drama, the kind where you just were not sure how it would work out. We’d been best friends before we got together, and we fundamentally just got each other. Even though we’d been together for five years when we got hitched, it’s the last seven years that taught me why this ease is so vitally important. Because life is hard, and it’ll get you one way or another, no matter what life choices you make. We’ve battled serious depression, a baby with colic, major family issues, the death of David’s father from cancer, the unexpected death of my grandmother in the same week, two kids under three, and very little sleep… and guess what? As we age, life will continue to get more difficult. So having a fundamental base of a (usually) easy relationship we can turn to for support? That’s vital. Which doesn’t preclude the fact that…

3. You will have bad years. My mom always told me, “Forget good days and bad days; marriages have good years and bad years.” And boy is this important to remember when the sucking just won’t stop. Or as my grandmother used to say, “People always ask me how to stay married. The answer is, don’t get divorced.” Which isn’t to say that divorce isn’t the right answer in some situations. But even in good marriages—the long, mostly happy kind—there will be years when the way you stay married is simply by not walking away. (And probably by going to couples therapy, too.) Sometimes, marriage is staying because you said you would, and having faith that better times are coming. (If better times don’t arrive, then by all means, on to Plan B.)

4.There is a reason people say that you marry the family too. Because those family issues that show up during wedding planning? They’re going to be sticking with you for the long haul. If your spouse isn’t talking to one of her parents, if a sibling has an addiction, if your in-laws are controlling, if one of you was badly damaged by your childhood… you’re marrying all of it. Sure, you get the hot guy or gal, but you also get all of their history, and all of those complicated family relationships. As you go through the process of forming a family unit of your own—whether it’s just the two of you, or you add tiny humans to the mix—you’ll have to wrestle with the truths about your families of origin. And for many of us, that process is messy (and may require some professional help).

5. Marriage gives you a way to create the family you’ve always needed. Maybe your childhood was perfect, and you’ve always wanted to grow up and have a home just like the one you grew up in. If that’s the case… go you… and marriage can let you do that. But for everyone with more imperfect childhoods, getting married gives you a chance to write the rules yourself. You’re a grownup now, with your own family, and you can do things however you want (as long as you and your partner agree on it). And if you bring tiny humans into the mix, you can use that chance to heal even more old wounds. Because you don’t have to parent how you were parented. This is your family, and you can consciously create a whole new set of rules.

6. Forgive constantly (mostly yourself). I’ve been working with my coach recently on the idea of constant forgiveness. It’s so easy to get caught up in the last mistake you made, or the last thing your partner did that made you mad. So I’ve been working on a new way of processing my emotions. Step one (of vital importance): Feel the damn feeling. Don’t shame yourself for being jealous, or petty, or lazy, or just flat-out mad. Let yourself feel it. Swim around in it. Enjoy it. Step two: Let it go and forgive yourself and/or your partner. They screwed up. You screwed up. You had a bunch of feelings. You felt them. And now you can move forward. Or as my preschooler said to my husband the other day, “Daddy. Mom was up all night letting you sleep while she took care of us. So she woke up feeling tired and mean. It okay.” And you know what? It was, in fact, okay.

7. Be kind. This post started when I decided to do something nice for David, because damn it, we were celebrating seven whole years. We recently did a post for Ink with Intent, a company that creates beautiful ketubot with custom text. Seven years ago, David and I had written out the language we wanted on our ketubah, and the agreement we really wanted to make for our marriage. But then we couldn’t find a company that would allow us to use our custom language (without, you know, having a bathtub full of money). So this year, when I realized Ink with Intent offered that option, I really, really wanted to get the ketubah we’d always wanted made, and give it to David as a surprise for our anniversary. So I worked with Adriana of Ink with Intent, who ended up creating a custom anniversary certificate for that mystical seven-year anniversary. I hacked into David’s email to find the ketubah text we’d written all those years ago. And now, in the middle of a fight, or a rough patch, we’ll be able to look on the wall and see exactly what we agreed to all those years ago.

I’m pretty sure David didn’t get me anything for our anniversary this year, but that’s okay. (UPDATE: he made secret dinner reservations!) I’m giving him a beautiful anniversary certificate, just so he knows I love him. It’s the same way that I try to thank him every night when he makes dinner, or he thanks me for getting up at night with the baby. Or he brings me random presents, when he finds something he thinks I’ll love. Because it really is those little kindnesses that matter over time. The world is hard, but the two of us can create a sanctuary together. (Plus, we’re sending the kids away for the night, taking two days off work, and just being adults together. After seven years of ups and downs, and never walking away even on truly bad days, we’ve earned it.)

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This post was sponsored by Ink with Intent. Ink with Intent creates simple, contemporary, colorful ketubahs and Quaker wedding certificates that are inclusive of all couples. Ink with Intent offers a range of ketubah and marriage certificate styles, from abstract to nature-inspired to designs featuring a city that’s meaningful to your relationship. Or if you have something specific in mind, you can contact Adriana for a custom design (and the custom designs are totally worth it, you guys.) Custom ketubahs and marriage certificates begin at $400, or you can customize one of Adriana’s existing designs starting at $250. Click here to browse the whole collection and get in touch with Adriana today!

Two Derby Girls Got Married in the Desert—and Brought Their Cute Dog With

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Soledad, admin/skater & Cheker, engineer/skater

Sum-up of the wedding vibe: A commitment to love in a secluded desert paradise.

Planned budget: $3,000

Actual budget: $2,600

Number of guests: 4

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Where we allocated the most funds:

When we started planning our wedding we knew that the photographers were going to be our big-ticket item. Since we were eloping, we wanted to be able to capture our day not just for ourselves, but also to share with our families and friends who were not there. We wanted a team of photographers that would document our true love story—not a fairy tale or movie, but the true beauty of our commitment to each other.

Mitch and Destany Colagrossi were hands down the best decision we made, aside from getting married, of course! They really put us at ease the moment they walked through the door. Destany even lent a helping hand putting the final touches on bouquet and boutonniere when we were running behind. They both did such beautiful work on our photos, we are both truly honored that they chose to work with us and were able to capture every detail of our day.

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Where we allocated the least funds:

One of the deterrents from having a wedding was how uncomfortable we both felt about spending such a large sum of money for one day—especially when a lot of what goes into the wedding can quickly become more about meeting family expectations than what the couple desires. Once we decided on eloping, we wanted to be as practical as possible and keep all purchases reasonable, and that included our wedding day attire. Just because I didn’t want to spend a small fortune on my dress didn’t mean that I didn’t want to find the perfect dress! I was 99.9 percent sure that I didn’t want a white wedding dress. When I stumbled upon my dress online, there was something about it that I couldn’t get out of my mind. I took a chance and ordered it. When it arrived, I knew it was the one. I loved everything about it, and I loved it even more because I got such a great deal on it.

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What was totally worth it:

Eloping! I really wish that we had decided to move forward with the elopement sooner. When we first got engaged, we started planning for a wedding, but the deeper we got into planning the more it started to feel like something that wasn’t for us. Our biggest hesitation with scrapping the whole wedding idea was our families. We didn’t want to upset or disappoint anyone by not having a full-out wedding. We finally decided to talk to our families and once we explained our perspective on things, they were super supportive of our decision. No wedding, no problem! Can we still come to the elopement, though? We decided we wanted it to be just the two of us and Pippa (our dog) so we could focus on what was really important to us: our commitment to each other.

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What was totally not worth it:

Stressing out about the flowers. I love fresh flowers, but they feel like a bit of an extravagance so I don’t purchase them often. I had grand plans of braving the LA Flower Market on the Thursday morning before our ceremony to pick out the perfect array of fresh blooms. I had read all the guides and tips on navigating the Flower Market, and every trick and tip I could find on DIYing your wedding flowers. I had done my research and was really looking forward to putting together our wedding flowers.

Eventually I realized that the added stress of this one element was just not worth it, so I let it go. It was definitely the right choice. Instead, I decided to source my flowers locally from the Joshua Tree Farmer’s Market the morning of the ceremony. I knew that the selection would be much smaller than in LA, but I was determined to make whatever they had work. Much to my surprise they ended up having a few random proteas for $1 a stem!

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A few things that helped us along the way:

Our derby community. We are both very fortunate not only to skate for an amazing team (Angel City is currently number five in the world), but also to be a part of a community of athletes and volunteers that stretch the globe. Anytime we needed advice or recommendations we simply had to reach out, and someone somewhere was always there to drop some pearls of wisdom to help us along the way. We found Holly, our hair and makeup artist, through a former leaguemate; our officiant was a dear friend and teammate; The Colagrossis were fans of their local derby league in Fort Wayne; our ModCloth shoot stemmed from an introduction via derby; and Cheker and I met five years ago in Washington, DC due to derby.

We had kept our elopement a secret from everyone except our immediate family and a few select individuals. Once word had spread that we had made things official, we had an outpouring of support and love from all across the globe. We both feel very honored to be a part of such a diverse and accepting community.

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My best practical advice for my planning self:

Keep the big picture in mind. This is your wedding, and you will set out with a vision of what your perfect day will look like. If you remember to be flexible and keep in mind what is really important to you and your partner, it will be easier to let the little things go. Remember that you won’t get these moments back, and being consumed with the minute details takes your focus away from sharing this experience with your partner.

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Favorite thing about the wedding:

Location, location, location! The landscape of Joshua Tree is breathtaking, and for being so close to LA it feels worlds away. Our first trip to Joshua Tree was about five months prior to our elopement. After our trip we both knew this was where we wanted to marry each other. Between our work, family commitments, and derby schedules, our lives are a constant whirlwind. Joshua Tree is such a tranquil, secluded desert paradise that it allows you to just breathe and take in each moment; we were truly able to focus on just each other and the commitment that we were making. We rented the perfect little Airbnb that was close enough to town to be convenient, but far enough to feel completely secluded. Joshua Tree created the perfect atmosphere for our elopement and provided a beautiful backdrop for our ceremony.
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Anything else to share:

Trust your instincts and stay true to yourself. If you and your partner really want to elope, do it. You have chosen to commit your lives to one another, and you should celebrate that commitment in any way you see fit. #LoveWins

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H/T ModCloth