Recently Engaged? Let’s Get Started Planning!

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Before you first start wedding planning, the world of weddings seems full of infinite possibilities… and so is your Pinterest board. Maybe you’ll have a tiny quirky wedding in a forest. Maybe you’ll have an all-night disco party in a giant hall. Maybe you’ll wear a ballgown… or maybe one of those newfangled wedding jumpsuits. Who knows! The world is your wedding oyster.

Then you sit down to actually start wedding planning. And suddenly all that infinite possibility becomes infinite decision making. Where do you start? Guest list? Budget? Decor? (Hint: It’s not the last one.) How are you going to afford all this? And also, why is your mom fighting you on all your ideas? Bottom line: the first few weeks of wedding planning can be the hardest. So how do you get from “OMG how do we do this?!” to “Okay, I got this!” when you’re getting started wedding planning?

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Well, luckily for you, we’ve spent the last decade solving all of these wedding problems… and providing a place of zero wedding judgment. Want to have a $1,000 wedding for fifty people? Let’s do it. Want to spend $300,000 on five hundred of your nearest and dearest? You do you. And before you start to panic, we’ve partnered with Zola, the free(!) wedding-planning app and registry company. Together we’re going to walk through everything you need to know—from gathering wedding planning tools, to talking to your family, to picking your decor style. You name the problem, and between Zola and APW, we’ve probably got a solution. Hopefully a lower-stress, judgment-free solution. So let’s get down to brass tacks and figure out where you’re going to start… and how you’re going to slay this thing. (And pro-tip: Bookmark this page, so you can come back to it as you go.)

Happy engagement, and please don’t forget to toast your existing commitment several times before you make a single decision. (And then, look at these tips and tricks our readers have come up with for making planning a little chiller.)

Bride's foot with a "yay" tatoo

Organize Your wedding planning tools

This wedding (sadly) isn’t going to plan itself. And that means that if you don’t want to lose your mind, you’re going to need some tools to help organize this thing, as well as some places to get sage advice. Let’s talk about where you should start.

checklists galore: Before you even get started with wedding planning, do yourself a favor and download our free, downloadable wedding planning checklist. This is not your average three-hundred-line-item wedding checklist where useful things are peppered in with nonsense like, “Shine crystal chandeliers at least one week before the wedding.” Our goal is to make your wedding a stress-free experience that will keep you motivated and focused on crossing off your wedding goals, one by one. You can start by figuring out your wedding priorities (yup, there is a worksheet for that too), and then you can cross off all those things you don’t care about, because yes, that’s totally allowed. Encouraged, even.

And if you want to plan on the go, our printable checklist integrates perfectly with the free, customizable checklist on the Zola Weddings app, so you can access and update your list anytime and anywhere. Add the tasks you want, delete ones you don’t need, then Zola will help remind you to get it done. (They can even personalize your checklist to your religion or culture and then autofill your to-do list accordingly.) Combine that with our checklist (keep it bookmarked, save your sanity) so you have all the information you need to cross those tasks off your list in style.

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the APW books that will help: You’re going to spend a lot of planning Googling. And while we can’t tell you which caterer is the best in your particular city, the APW books can save you from having to Google the wedding basics, and it will walk you through what you need to know in a logical order. The first will help you save time, money, and sanity, and the #APWPlanner can basically plan your wedding for you.

Spreadsheets: You won’t need them quite yet, but get these spreadsheets saved somewhere. We’ve got you covered on everything from your wedding guest list template to your vendor contact list to your day-of wedding timeline. You’ll thank yourself later.

An app to keep you organized: Speaking of thanking yourself later. We’re excited to partner with Zola because they have one of the only actually useful planning apps out there, not to mention it’s gender neutral, in that it doesn’t assume you’re a bride. (Can we get a 🎉 for the new businesses in the wedding industry finally putting the old guard on notice?) Zola lets you choose whether you want a little or a lot of guidance from the app, and then tailors your to-do list accordingly. Plus you can integrate your checklist, guest list, and registry all in one place. So sign up now, and then they’ll ping you when it’s time to actually get sh*t done.

set a budget: Setting your budget can feel like you’re just making up numbers… but it doesn’t have to. First, you need to decide how much you can spend on your guests. Then, you need to discuss how much you want to spend on your guests. We have sample budgets for $2,000 to $30,000 weddings, with advice on figuring out your own wedding budget. Plus, we have a guide on how to stick with your wedding budget when Pinterest is right there taunting you.

bride and groom standing in front of a pink wall

do your homework

Once you’ve gathered some basic tools, it’s time for you and your partner to sit down and discuss what kind of wedding you want to have. (Psst: The #APWPlanner provides a handy priorities worksheet for you and your partner to follow.)

talk to your families: Okay, you know how you want the wedding to look, feel, and move. Now it’s time to sit down and have a chat with your families. Are you asking for financial contributions? Have you thought about what kind of input you want them to have? Are there traditions you want to include—or traditions you want to eschew?

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MAKE YOUR GUEST LIST: You’ll notice that we’ve put the guest list before venue search. That’s because your first step in planning the logistics of your wedding (after budget) should be figuring out who you want there. Then make the rest of your plans around that. (Doing it the other way around is how you accidentally realize you don’t have enough space in your venue for your grandma. Whoops.) We’ve got tons of guidance on putting that list together. Plus, Our guest list spreadsheet can help keep you organized. And if you’ve signed up with Zola above, you can gather addresses multiple ways (including by uploading our spreadsheet directly) and manage your list from your desktop or straight from your phone. Zola’s guest list manager even allows you to track RSVPs in real-time and communicate directly with your guests (which will come in handy later when it’s time to send out thank you cards).

begin the venue search: Now? Now you’re really getting started, friends. We’ve got a comprehensive guide to choosing a venue right here. But here’s a tip to get you started: when you’re doing your initial search, try Googling phrases like “Northern California beach wedding” or “Brooklyn diner wedding” and see what comes up. Many venue and photographer websites are optimized to come up in searches like this, so use that to your advantage.

Pick Your Wedding Date: Sure, you’re going to need to find a venue and figure out what dates they have free. But here is our guide on the other things you should think through before you put a date on it.

THINK ABOUT VENDORS: First things first: we have a guide full of folks who are committed to honoring your diverse and awesome commitment. They are awesome people and awesome vendors, and you should start your search right there. Then, here’s how you hire a wedding photographer, for one. (Psst: If photography is a top priority, this is a vendor you probably want to lock down ASAP.) We also have advice on hiring a florist, hiring a caterer, and hiring a videographer. Speaking of vendors, make sure you get contracts for everyone you work with (yes, even the ones you’re friends with). We’ve got the useful advice on that right here, plus what to do about tipping your vendors.

EVENT RENTALS 101: If your reception venue isn’t inclusive, you’re probably going to need rentals. The good news is that they’re often more affordable than you’d think (and cleanup is way easier too). Here’s what you need to know about event rentals.

wedding couple against the sky

Finally, Some really fun stuff!

Next, it’s time to set up the framework of your wedding. What will it look like? Feel like? How will your guests experience it? How will you? Since you have your date and maybe a vendor or two, you’re ready to methodically (or not) hash out the next phase of planning.

Figure Out Your Wedding Style: Planning a wedding can be a lot easier if you’ve figured out what your general style and vibe is. You can start by picking a color palette (gone are the days of blush and bashful… thank God). When it comes to figuring out how to decorate without breaking the bank, you can check out our guide on cheap-but-totally-hip decoration ideas, along with the secret tools we use to create cool wedding designs. We’ve even rounded up our secret shopping sources. So hit our DIY section, and get your styling on… #LazyGirl style.

Find a Killer dress (or suit): If shopping for a wedding dress makes you feel queasy, we’ve got your back. Our wedding dress shopping guide has all the details you need on fabric, sizing, and prices. Plus, we’ve got tips for plus size wedding dress shopping, queer wedding style, and even fair trade wedding dresses. This year we even tested out a way for those of us with lots of boob to go braless.

Zola's wedding planning app

Registering: Why did we put registering under the fun stuff? Because it should be fun, and we just wanted to remind you of that. So ignore all the must-have lists, and register for stuff you actually like and want. And that means giving yourself options. With newer registries like Zola, you can register for experiences and subscriptions (hello cheese of the month box, we see you there) in addition to the standard home goods. Zola has fifty thousand gifts, including experiences and cash funds, and they offer more brands than you could ever hope to find in a store. So whether you’re looking for old standbys or one-of-a-kind goodies, you actually have all the flexibility to personalize your registry and make sure it reflects you and your partner. Also, this just in: ZOLA LET’S YOU REGISTER FOR A BLOWOUT WITH DRYBAR. 😍💁‍♀️ Just me, with the frizzy hair, or nah?

INVITING GUESTS: Are you getting ready to tell everyone about your fabulous upcoming shindig? COOL. We’ve rounded up our favorite invites that won’t break the bank. Let’s talk about wedding invitation wording and suggestions for ways to make the invite wording more feminist. If you want to DIY your wedding invites, we cover that in detail too. (And, oh yeah, here’s how you get them to RSVP in the first place. Pro-tip: You can track RSVPs in real time if you’ve got your guests loaded up in the Zola Weddings app.)

Lindy West laughing at her wedding

Digging into the nitty-gritty of Wedding Planning

ALCOHOL: If you’re hooking up your own wedding booze, you’re going to need to do a little pre-planning. You’ll want to read up on how to buy it and how to calculate how much alcohol your wedding will need in the first place. (And yes, if you can provide your own booze, it really will save you a lot of money.)

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WEDDING TIMELINE: At some point, you will need to figure out when and how you’re getting from point A to point B of your wedding day (and your vendors might ask for it too). So here’s how to figure out your wedding timeline.

what can you DIY: The number one rule of DIY is that you should only invest your time (aka blood, sweat, and tears) into the things you really care about. Spend money (or just ditch) the stuff that matters less. Because your time is precious, you hear me? Anyway, planning on DIYing your wedding flowers (or a floral crown)? Mulling over the idea of DJing your own wedding? You can do to those things, and you can do them well. In fact, I did those things for my own wedding (plus hair and makeup).

wedding playlists: You know what Google is often not awesome for? Helping you pick out wedding songs. (Unless you had your heart set on “Lonestar,” in which case, do you.) Luckily, we’ve done all the heavy lifting for you. Our playlists have a little country, a lot of soul, and basically everything in between (and we’ve covered everything from first dance songs to mother-son dance songs to non-cheesy father-daughter dance songs, and blowout jams to end the night by). But you might want to start with our master list, that covers pretty much… everything.

get real wedding inspiration: One of the best things to do when you’re planning a wedding is to find some real-world inspiration. Thinking of catering your own wedding? That’s super cool, and we actually have featured a lot of couples who did just that. Considering an elopement? They’re lovely. Is your community helping make your wedding happen? I bet it’ll be gorgeous. If you just want to get lost for a few hours (or days), every single wedding we’ve ever featured can be found right here.

Bride being held up under disco balls

IT’S TIME FOR SOME PARTIES

Want An Engagement Party?: Engagement parties are just flat out fun, but they can be particularly nice if you know you’re in for a reasonably long engagement. Here are some ideas for putting together an engagement party that isn’t a second wedding (unless, you know, that’s your jam, in which case #GoBigOrGoReallyBig).

Bridal shower ideas: Here is everything you need to know to plan a bridal shower… so you can pass that right on to someone who’s not you. Plus, here are bridal shower games that are actually fun. Once you’ve handed off planning that shower, you’re going to need a good outfit… so we did a little research for you.

wedding rehearsals: Before we get to the rehearsal dinner, let’s talk about what really should precede it… the wedding rehearsal. Because unless you’re having a teeny tiny wedding, practice will really help the whole thing go more smoothly… even if we can’t promise perfection.

The Rehearsal dinner: Maybe your mom wants one, or maybe you just want a more laid-back chance to see all those people coming into town just for you. Either way, here are our best rehearsal dinner ideas.

bride in a gold dress holding a "forever" sign

Last-Minute Goodness

What’s your hashtag?: You’re planning your wedding on the Internet right now, so I’m gonna guess you’re the kind of person who wants a wedding hashtag. If that’s you, here are our tips for coming up with the perfect one.

Makeup And Skincare: Maybe you’re getting professional makeup done, maybe you’re not. But either way, taking care of your skin before your wedding makes you look all glowy (and is good for you too). We’ve rounded up the products we personally use to make our skin a hundred percent. We’ve also rounded makeup products we’re really loving right now. And if you want to go sans makeup for your wedding, let’s get to it.

Hair Stylin’: Time to research wedding hair ideas? We’ve gotchu, with hair ideas for every length and texture of hair, along with a special guide just for curly girls. Oh and maybe you want tips from Beyoncé’s stylist about wedding hairstyles for black women? And if you’re trying how to make your pixie cut wedding worthy, we’ve got plenty of ideas (plus maybe you should gild that lily?) If you know you want an updo, we’ve rounded up ones that don’t look like a prom in 1994. If, like me, you’re going to do your own hair for your wedding, here is what you need to know. And finally, your bridesmaids need hairstyling ideas too.

And finally, thank you notes: Yes, you need to write them. But lucky for you we’ve come up with the perfect template to make it easy peasy. And bonus #lazygirl tip: If you registered with Zola, you can easily export a list of who got you what and when, so then all you have to do is put pen to paper.

This post was sponsored by Zola. With Zola, you can build the registry you actually want; add items from a selection of over 50,000 gifts (plus add from any store) or if physical objects aren’t your style, register for experiences and subscriptions—heck, with Zola you can even register for your blowout. (They just partnered up with Drybar. I’m not mad about it.) And with Zola Weddings, now you can manage your wedding checklist and your guest list too. Other perks include group gifting, shipping control (aka you tell your registry when you want to receive stuff), and the lowest credit card processing fee in the industry for cash gifts, if you choose to add a cash registry option. Click here for a full list of Zola’s features and sign up for Zola today!

4 Things I Tell All My Newly Engaged Friends

Last year, four of my very best friends (three of the bridesmaids in my wedding plus my younger sister) got engaged within a few short weeks of each other. Since I have very much drunk the wedding Kool-Aid (how could you not, with my job?), at first I was like this:

But once the planning was underway, I quickly transitioned to this:

Because I forgot how horrible wedding planning is. Whoops! Over the last year, I’ve fielded every question under the sun from “Can we tell our dads we don’t want anyone giving us away at our modern feminist queer wedding?” to “How do you make a custom Snapchat filter?” to “Why is my mom ruining my life right now?” And even though I definitely sent all of them copies of both APW books (the one that’s basically a personal wedding therapist and the one that’s a $15 wedding professional in your pocket), I still ended up spending the better part of my commute home this year on the phone, reassuring everyone that their choices were okay, their families would love the wedding, and one time, explaining how to forward a URL when you’ve accidentally sent out invitations with the wrong wedding website on them. But of all the advice I doled out, these four tips are the best nuggets of wisdom I have in my arsenal. And officially what I will tell any newly engaged friends henceforth.

1. Everything is expensive, because everything is expensive

The first thing that happens when you start planning a wedding is sticker shock: Why is everything so expensive? Which is why there are a thousand think pieces online about the cost of modern weddings and the wedding tax. But the reality? Most of the wedding tax stuff is made up. Weddings are expensive because it costs a crap ton of money to feed and entertain one to two hundred people for four hours. The best way I’ve heard this explained is in the APW planner, courtesy of Liz Coopersmith of Silver Charm Events. She has dubbed “The Olive Garden Rule,” and it goes like this: Unlimited soup, salad, and bread sticks notwithstanding, at the Olive Garden, an appetizer, a salad, and a few glasses of wine will cost about $50 per person. Translate that to a hundred guests, and it would cost $5,000 to serve Olive Garden at your wedding. And that’s not including other luxuries like tables and chairs and waitstaff.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t have an affordable wedding. It just means you might need to reimagine what pops up in your head when you think the word “wedding.” Maybe it means you serve cake and punch at two in the afternoon. Maybe it means getting married on a Friday night. Maybe it means a limited bar. Whatever your budget, there is a way to have a wedding that fits within it. Case in point: here are twenty fabulous weddings under $15,000 and thirteen awesome budget weddings under $8,000, plus creative ideas for dealing with wedding sticker shock.

2. Guests first, things second

When you get engaged, the first thing people typically ask you is, “Have you made any plans yet?” And at first you’re like, “Oh we’re just basking in the glow of being engaged, la la la!” But after the tenth time, your brain starts to turn on you and you start thinking, “Maybe I’m so behind! Maybe I need to plan All The Things RIGHTNOWYESTERDAY!” And this is you hunched over your computer at 3 a.m.:

This pressure can mount especially fast if you’re planning a short engagement or getting married in an area where limited availability of venues can make a year feel short. But don’t rush to book a venue before you’ve set your guest list. Because despite what the wedding industry will tell you, the people make the wedding. And that goes for big weddings and small weddings alike. So don’t trap yourself into a 75-person venue if you know your combined guest list is going to be 150 people. I promise you, no amount of skylights and unique landscaping will make up for having to tell someone you love there just isn’t enough space.

P.S. If you’re trying to do the “but our dream venue is 100 people and we’re inviting 120 and we can’t imagine everyone will come but WHAT IF THEY DO?!” math, then click here to download a page directly from the #APWPlanner with estimates for some of the most common wedding scenarios and guest types.

3. Master the smile and shrug

Okay, so remember those people who asked if you had anything planned yet? They are not innocents! They have opinions. And they will share their opinions with you, whether you like it or not. And your brain will absorb those opinions, whether you like it or not. And it will get you twisted. But I have a secret to tell you: People will not actually care about ninety-nine percent of your choices when the wedding rolls around (I’m talking small stuff, like whether you wear a white dress or are having your parents walk you down the aisle, not big stuff like the fact that you’re not planning on inviting your Nana). So here’s my advice on what to share:

Share with everyone: Basic logistics that will impact their ability to attend your wedding, such as where the wedding will take place, when it will take place, if they’re on the guest list. Or anything you’re confident enough to field opinions about. #SorryNotSorry

Put on your wedding website: Stuff that people need to know to show up prepared, that they will inevitably have opinions about, but their opinions don’t matter and you don’t want to hear them. Examples include if you’re having an open bar and what the dress code will be.

Tell your parents (or grandparents, or anyone whose feelings you really care about): Anything that might hurt them but you’re doing anyway. This might include not inviting an estranged family member, doing away with a tradition that they might be expecting to partake in or parts of the wedding that they’ve helped pay for. These conversations can be emotionally exhausting for both parties, so try to approach them with empathy. Chances are, your family has been thinking of your wedding for longer than you can remember, so even if you don’t plan on changing your plans, maybe pretend like you’ll at least consider it?

Smile and shrug: If you’re excited about it, and it won’t affect a single other person, and you don’t want to invite their opinion, then girl, play dumb and do the Kanye shrug:

Translation? “Gosh, we haven’t even gotten that far yet! But you’ll love whatever we choose, because there will literally be no other option once we get you in the door.”

4. You Really, Really Don’t Need a Theme

One of the aforementioned friends famously texted me about ten seconds after she got engaged, with a scroller text of wedding questions. Among them was, “How do you create and execute a wedding narrative?” To which I responded, “Tha fuck is a wedding narrative?” And she explained, “Your story that determines music, food, decor, vibe everything!” And was like, “Oooooh, a theme?” And she was like, “Yes.” And that’s when I realized that the biggest myth of the wedding industry, which I thought was good and dead, had actually split itself up into seven horcruxes and refuses to die. What myth, you ask? That you need a theme for your wedding.

Allow me stab this idea with a basilisk fang. Your. Wedding. Does. Not. Need. A. Theme. No one in the history of time walked into a wedding and said, “Oh, yes, they really pulled off that urban rustic postmodern glitter vibe soooo well!” Most likely the thought process of your guests goes: 1. Sniffle, that was such a sweet ceremony. 2. Where’s the bar. 3. OMG I am starving, did I just see an appetizer plate walk by? 4. Do I know anyone here? They are not thinking, “That place setting doesn’t go with the drink menu at all.” So don’t worry about making everything cohesive. And don’t spend too much time on tiny tabletop details. Just pick things you like. Wear what you want. Choose colors that make you happy. Have fun with it. And make sure your guests are fed on time. Otherwise? Try to think about some of the kick-ass parties you’ve been to in your life and what made them awesome. Then channel that. And if you need more pep talks on this subject, here’s why there’s no such thing as a timeless wedding, and why you don’t actually want that Pinterest wedding.

Pink Line

The thing I most wish I’d known when wedding planning is that the hard stuff is what you can’t control. Family is family. Money doesn’t grow on trees. But nothing good comes from stressing over centerpieces. And the rest? It can be fun if you let it.

Champagne also helps a lot.

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