My Partner Has Been Hiding a Huge Amount of Debt from Me: Now What?

woman with her head in her hands

Q: Before we got married, my now-husband and I talked about our finances (responsible adults for the win!). We both had some student loan debt (mine slightly higher), some car debt (again, mine slightly higher, as I’d purchased my car more recently), and he had some credit card debt (in the $5,000 range). We both agreed that he would stop using his credit cards altogether while working to pay them down, while I would start making higher payments on my car to get that down. I also opened a new (my first ever) credit card a couple months into wedding planning, as my savings were draining due to wedding expenses, and we both wanted the security of a “just in case” credit card.

Over the course of our year and a half wedding planning, my husband finished paying off his car (yay!), and told me that he’d paid off one of his credit cards (double yay). The “just in case” emergency we’d considered ended up happening and I ended up having to put a $1,800 purchase on my credit to get a tent for our outdoor wedding (thanks a lot, last minute rain). Still, I figured this wasn’t so bad, as we were actively working toward paying off our debt, and my husband had gotten down to about $3,000 on his credit cards.

Cut to this week. Our dog got sick, meaning an emergency vet trip, meaning a $1,400 bill. I’ve managed to build up some savings again since our wedding five months ago, but not enough to cover the full cost of the vet. I asked my husband to help me (we keep separate accounts entirely and usually split pretty much everything fifty-fifty), and long story short, I learned that all of his credit cards are once again maxed out. I was completely shocked, having thought this whole time that he wasn’t using them at all and was trying to pay them off. I feel betrayed, not so much by the spending itself but by the fact that he kept it hidden from me. And now, I’m not sure what to do to build that trust back. I can take control of the finances entirely, but I’m worried that will push him into being more secretive in the future if he feels like he has no control over his own money. I’ve tried getting him on board with a combined budget before, but he’s terrible at sticking to it. On top of everything else, I’m definitely the “planner” in our relationship, and I hate the idea of having one more thing to be in charge of because he can’t just get it together and stop spending. Please help!

—Wedded and Indebted

A: Dear WI,

WHAT. If we’re being honest, I’m so curious what he’s spending this cash on! What is it! Some elaborate and expensive hobby? Fancy meals just for him? I want to know specifics, and I bet you do too.

And do you know how you would know all that info and not be blindsided by this news? If you had a joint bank accounts. I know, hindsight is 20/20 and all that, but as you start to clean up this mess, I suspect you’re going to start to see the wisdom of joint accounts very quickly.

Because TL;DR: Unless you have an ironclad prenup, you’re both responsible for whatever financial mess one or both of you get into, regardless of whose account it is. This is your debt, too. You’re not avoiding being on the hook by separating the finances; you’re just removing your ability to know what’s happening.

You mention “taking control” of the finances, and you don’t have to do that necessarily (though it for sure sounds like you should be the lead on this). Instead of setting demands, ask him: What’s going to help him stop spending? Figure out what he’s using these credit cards for, and how you can set some reasonable boundaries for those expenses. If all that money is going to midweek lunch at work, knee-jerk would be, “Pack your lunch everyday!!” But it’s probably not a realistic expectation. If there’s room in the budget, leave a line item for a certain, specific amount for work lunches (or whatever it is he’s spending on). If he uses it all up on Monday, tough breaks, it’s PB&J for the rest of the week. This way he’s got a reasonable level of control over how he uses his money, but a limited amount to use. Like everyone does. This is just how adult finances work.

In order to have that “how do we fix this” conversation, you’ll have to set aside the guilt and shame of spending money unwisely. It wasn’t smart. It’s not doing either of you any favors. But it’s not a moral failing.

That might seem like a semantic issue, but it’s a whole mindset thing. If his spending is “bad” and makes him a bad person, all the more reason to be ashamed and hide it from you. You’re concerned about building trust, so you’ll want to do it by being someone he can confide in when he’s screwed up. If he’s able to be open and honest about this junk, you’ll gradually have less secrecy to worry about.

You might’ve heard similar about eating healthily. Cheese fries aren’t “bad” (um, to the contrary), they’re just not always a great choice. You can totally have them if you want; it doesn’t make you a bad person. But maybe you shouldn’t do it all the time.

And I say this knowing that this is gonna take some real effort. I know I’d personally be frigging pissed if I was scraping all of my extra pennies together to chip away at debt, only to find out my partner’s been throwing money out the window. That’s infuriating. But we’re not talking about who’s right (you are), we’re talking about setting the stage for lasting change, regardless of who’s right (it’s you, you’re the right one).

This situation is hugely dishonest, a betrayal, a bit of a “wtf?” but it also is sort of… normal. Not every partner racks up a bunch of debt in casino losses (eh?), but every partner does have their flaws. And some dishonesty, some selfishness, can be the growing pains of getting used to being in a marriage, where our flaws deeply affect the person we care about most. The money is a bad habit that he can unlearn, you know? The trust thing, oof. That’s bigger. Rebuilding trust takes time; there’s no way to speed through it. A therapist might help, but with or without a pro, there are a lot of conversations to be had, and a lot of expenditures to be added up. Monthly.

He was dishonest with you, you’ve got reason to feel betrayed, and that feeling is only going to go away as he demonstrates more honesty. Give him the room to do that.

And, hey. Check your bank balances and credit card statements. Every. Damn. Month. Maybe there will be a day in the future where you can take your eye off the ball a little bit, but that day probably isn’t coming real soon.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ASK APW A QUESTIONPLEASE DON’T BE SHY! IF YOU WOULD PREFER NOT TO BE NAMED, ANONYMOUS QUESTIONS ARE ALSO ACCEPTED. (THOUGH IT REALLY MAKES OUR DAY WHEN YOU COME UP WITH A CLEVER SIGN-OFF!)

These Photographers Will Capture the Heart of Your Wedding

man and woman standing together
When you’re looking at wedding photos all day like it’s your job (see what I did there?), it’s easy to become jaded. There are just so many talented and skilled photographers out there (lucky for you engaged persons!), that the bar for something to warrant a second look can feel pretty damn high. But that is a bar that Shaw Photography Co. just cruises right over. Their images are frame-worthy, emotional, and their couples always look cool. (And since none of us #wokeuplikethis, we’re always down for photographers that make us look cool without us having to try.) Shaw Photography Co. consists of husband and wife team Brian and Christina, who are based in New York, but travel all over—what was I saying about y’all being lucky?

two men laughing together

Like those of us at APW, the Shaws dig folks who are having awesome weddings of all shapes and sizes, from tiny elopements, to traditional galas, and everything in between. And it’s this in between space, somewhere between fifty and a hundred guests, that most of the mainstream wedding industry tends to leave out. You’re not eloping, but you’re not having a gigantic bash either, and somehow a lot wedding vendors—from venues that can only accommodate you on a Tuesday, to rentals that have hundred-chair minimums—can’t get on board. But for Shaw Photography Co., in-between weddings like these (which are often referred to as “intimate”) are their jam:

While we love photographing weddings of all sizes, there is something we deeply connect with when weddings are intimate in nature. Whether this means the two of you eloping in the thick shaded woods of your favorite camping site, gathering twenty-five of your closest family and friends on the mountaintop you often hike together, or heading to city hall and then having an intimate dinner reception at your favorite restaurant, we are honored when asked to be the ones there to document your celebration.

And guys? These words ring true. Just look at a few of the wedding adventures they’ve captured:

bride and groom on a motorcycle

Caleb and Carolyn had a backyard wedding right outside of Buffalo, New York. Carolyn followed her dream of walking down the aisle barefoot, and Caleb followed his dream of running off with his bride at the end of the night on his motorcycle.

bride and groom in front of a SOUL sign

Jessica and Scooter’s wedding at Hotel St. Cecilia in Austin, Texas was shot by Brian, and they brought themselves into their wedding on every level from the intimacy of the day, to the location choice, to the styling of the wedding (Jessica owns a vintage clothing shop and Scooter is a barber).

bride and groom on a mountain

Brittany and Ryan chose to have a personalized ceremony on their favorite Mountain in the Adirondacks. Christina visited Lake Placid to capture them getting ready and then headed to the mountain to witness them marry at 5:30 p.m. on the peak of Whiteface Mountain. They were surrounded by sixteen of their family and closest friends and even snuck up their dog to bear witness.
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Shaw Photography Co.’s pricing is incredibly flexible all around, starting with one-photographer options that are perfect for intimate weddings. Elopement coverage begins at $1,850, and intimate wedding coverage starts at $3,850 for seven hours of coverage with one photographer. Travel fees range from $300 to $850 depending on where you are, and if need be you can choose to add on additional hours, a second shooter, an engagement session, or an 8×10 album. What you want is what you get, and you’ll never be over charged on hours or extra products that don’t apply to your needs.

What About That wedding conteSt Though?

Shaw Photography Co. is hosting their third annual intimate wedding contest, and this year it could be your wedding that they’ll shoot for just the cost of travel expenses. The couple who wins will receive up to seven hours of continuous coverage with one photographer, classic film-style edits on your entire collection, delivery of high-res images with reproduction release, and an online gallery to share, download, and print your images. See details to apply on Shaw Photography’s website—just make sure you get it in by January 30, 2017!

a couple standing in the ocean

This duo values authentic connections and working with kind-hearted, soul-filled, adventurous spirits who make their own rules (sounds like y’all!). If you love photography and storytelling you’ll hit it off, and this common ground leads to incredible wedding experiences like this one:

Not only were Christina and her husband professional and punctual, it was like working with favorite family members. They were warm, easy going, and adapted perfectly to the type of wedding we were giving, which was a backyard do-it-yourself event. But the proof is in the pudding. The photos are so amazing and beautiful that friends and co-workers are all commenting on how gorgeous they are. They somehow covered the totality of the wedding and all the details that made it special, yet in a quiet unobtrusive way. We simply could not be happier with the service provided; they truly helped make the day extra special.

a couple kissing in the foresta couple laughing together

There’s a whole lot of wedding magic that goes on in the space between an elopement and a hundred person wedding, and that space is where Shaw Photography Co. shines. (And I mean, let’s be real: they also kill it at covering both of those too.) Find out more about Brian and Christina here, see even more of their incredible wedding coverage right over here, and email them to enter the giveaway already.

the giveaway deadline is january 30, 2017: we can’t wait to see who wins!