As the holiday season approaches and we’re all deciding if and how and where to spend our precious days off, one thing that often comes up is conflict between religious and non-religious families. Nearly 40 percent of Americans these days are married to someone outside their religious denomination, so this has the potential to affect an awful lot of people.
I am an atheist, and I’m writing this based on my personal experience. (I’m also lumping the agnostics here, not because I think they’re the same as atheists, but because they tend to be put in similarly uncomfortable positions on the subject of religion—and it’s annoying to have to keep typing and/or). So without further ado, here are a few suggestions to make everyone a bit more comfortable.
1. Know your people.
This means knowing your atheist, and also your family (friends/church/etc.). Has everyone met before, or is this the maiden voyage? Do your people know that your atheist is an atheist yet? If so, what did they say? Think about how everyone is likely to interact with one another. Maybe your people are open minded and not likely to care too much, or maybe they will come right out and say that your atheist has an express ticket to the hot place. Is your atheist the type who won’t say anything and just feel vaguely uncomfortable, or will they stand up and quote Richard Dawkins at your father when he asks what they think of the Pope’s stance on xyz issue?
A little planning ahead here can help you anticipate how the interaction is likely to go over, which can save you a lot of strife in the long run, or at least allow you to gird your loins against the onslaught. It also gives you a chance to speak to both parties separately if necessary, giving them a gentle reminder that you love everyone involved, and could they please play nicely.
2. Understand that a lot of people have strong feelings about atheists.
In the United States among many other countries, atheists are a minority. A 2008 survey of thirty-five thousand American adults showed that only 1.6 percent of the population identified as atheists, with a further 2.4 percent considering themselves agnostic. Compare that to a whopping 51 percent Protestants, or 24 percent Catholics. Even when you add in the “non-religious unaffiliated,” you end up with the fact that upwards of 90 percent of Americans believe in some sort of God. That’s a lot of people, and they’re all going to have varying levels of tolerance.
Most atheists who are out of the closet have experienced some sort of discrimination or misconception based on their lack of belief in God. People often try to convert us or tell us we’re damned, and assume that we have no ethics or moral code. A 2014 study in the Journal of Psychology suggested that the majority of religiously associated people perceive atheists as angry and discontented (the study went on to suggest that this is a misconception). In short, atheists aren’t super popular, and it could be your job (and your atheist’s) to be an ambassador wherever possible.
3. Be sensitive to your atheist’s needs.
I used to be pretty quiet about my atheism, only bringing it up when prodded. These days I’m more outspoken. Wherever your atheist is on this spectrum, understand that they may not be totally comfortable being an atheist in the midst of a lot of believers. Make sure your atheist understands that, in your book, their participation is optional. You might not believe it, but I’ve been judged for not taking communion or singing the hymns. You love your atheist, and this is a really important way to show that love by supporting them.
If it’s a sticky situation, explain that, and tell them how much you’d appreciate their help with whatever is on the table. My grandfather is a minister, and I’m occasionally encouraged to attend his church for some major life event. While I’m not really comfortable in church, I care enough about my mom and my grandfather to show up and be uncomfortable once in a while, because it means a lot to them. That said, understand that some situations are non-negotiable. It’s okay to ask your atheist to grin and bear it a little, but understand that they may have some limits.
4. Do some research!
You love an atheist enough to bring them home for the holidays. Why not try to get a handle on where they’re coming from? This could be as informal as having a discussion with your atheist, which I strongly encourage you to do. Ask them about their ethics, why they’re an atheist, and what they think about this funny universe. Encourage your family to do the same.
Many atheists well thought out view of the universe that celebrates the beauty and complexity of life. I don’t value life any less because I don’t believe in God. If anything I value it more, since I think or believe that we exist because of an endless string of tiny, marvelous accidents. What’s important is to know that an atheist is not necessarily someone who stumbles around in the dark. Many of us have really thought about God(s) before coming to the conclusion that we don’t believe in him/her/them.
5. Be kind.
In the end, you can’t control how your family is going to react to your atheist, or how your atheist is going to respond. What’s most important is to keep the dialogue as open and as kind as possible. I’m usually pretty interested to hear what people have to say about religion, as long as they approach me kindly. I don’t agree with them, but I like learning about other people, and it can be an involving topic of conversation. That said, if someone approaches me in an accusatory manner, tries to convert me or makes me feel like an outsider, I’m probably not going to have many nice things to say to them.
You can’t make your people be kind, but you can remind them nicely, many times if necessary. And the same goes for your atheist. I sometimes need a heads-up if I’m inadvertently offending someone, and there are loads of nice ways to do this. Remember that these are all people who you love, and that they all deserve to feel welcome and respected.
