Manifestos

Sep 2010

Periodically on APW, someone accuses me of being anti-tradition, and I get really sad. I talk about how we have a church weddings section. I talk about how we have a lot of brides wearing white. I talk about how I make sure there are posts supporting whatever choices you want to make, wherever they are on the spectrum.

Then I always point out that no matter how indie our wedding looked (the hip look was partially just good photographers, partially the fact that I wore a short dress), our wedding service was very traditional. We had *the* traditional Jewish service, with lots of Hebrew, lots of God-talk, the seven blessings in their original form, the traditional vows in Hebrew, the works. When you ask our wedding guests, they will describe the service as "very traditional," but most of them also describe it as "very emotional." People seem to see those things as diametrically opposed, so what gives?

I started to see the real answer when I was talking about this with Danae in the comments. She said:

"You think APW is pro-tradition because your definition of “traditional” is something along the lines of “we thought a lot about it and decided that we wanted to echo the centuries-old tradition of our cultures and beliefs,” and when someone else defines “traditional,” they mean, “we did what everyone expected us to do."

And I was like, "OH! Right! Of course that's what I think traditional means! Of course!" and then "Oh my god, that's not what everyone else means when they say traditional? I didn't get that."

So. I thought maybe it was time to have a chat about having a really traditional ceremony (because that feels right to you) and rocking the hell out of it (because, of course!)

So first of all: traditional ceremonies do not have to be boring. Period. We need to just wipe that idea off of the face of the earth. I've seen so many brides approach planning their service by saying, "Well, it's traditional, so you know it's going to be boring and there is nothing I can do." Whenever I hear that I want to grab said bride's shoulders and shake her, and say something like, "You want a traditional service because that's part of who you are, right? So stop belittling yourself, and start seeing your amazing self-worth. Who you are is awesome. And if having a traditional ceremony is part of who you are, your traditional ceremony is going to be AWESOME." Or, in short, there is no quicker way to make a ceremony boring than to have the bride and groom think it's boring. That sort of prophecy is always self-fulfilling.

So, how do you approach a traditional wedding service and make it something that you feel like you can live inside? Continue reading Making A Traditional Service Your Own

Posted in: Ask Meg, Manifestos, Meg's Thoughts, The Ceremony, Tradition, Weddings | 168 Comments »

Sep 2010

A Different Take on DIY (and DIT)

Two different complaints about the DIY culture of weddings came up in the comments last week. I thought they were interesting, and I thought it was high time (again) to talk about the cult of wedding DIY.

The first complaint was, in sum, “F*cking brides, man. Why are they always asking you to DO SH*T TO HELP THEM. It’s such an imposition and so uncool. You shouldn’t expect your guests to care about your wedding as much as you do.” The second was, in sum, “F*cking DIY, man. Why is there so much pressure on APW and other indie websites to DIY everything for your wedding? I hate crafting. This is so uncool.” Both of these comments made me pause, because they highlighted the dissonance between the way I view DIY and the way wedding culture views DIY.

I grew up in a semi-hippie, very community focused micro-culture populated by a lot of artists without a lot of money. The macro-culture I grew up in was a very conservative largely poor suburb/city (cityburb?), populated by a lot of friends without any money. Both of these sometimes diametrically opposed cultures viewed big life event the same way – every one pitches in to get it done. That was just the end of it. When you don’t have a lot of money, ‘making it work’ becomes your cultural default. You just don’t waste a lot of time thinking that ‘it can’t be done,’ because obviously, objectively, you can’t do whatever-it-is without money. But you don’t have money, and you are going to do it, so you just have to figure it out.

Because of the way I grew up, I’ve been able to sew since I could reach a sewing machine. In High School I would throw beautiful backyard parties with old sheets, a string of lights, and flowers I managed to pick from hedgerows, and cake and tea I made in big quantities. I knew people who lived more or less on the road in these amazing plywood shelters that they made to look like magical gypsy caravans. My friends throw these crazy anti-homecoming parties (when people couldn’t afford homecoming tickets) at bowling alleys. And, when it comes to weddings, I’ve gone to my share of potluck weddings, dish in hand. I’ve helped set up or tear down weddings and parties. Hell, I even went to one wedding where the bride paid for it by stripping for a year (Yeah. True story…. And one of the most fun weddings I've ever been to, actually.) Continue reading A Different Take on DIY (and DIT)

Posted in: Manifestos, Meg's Thoughts, Weddings | 165 Comments »

Jul 2010

As Long As We Both Shall Live

Earlier this week, a bit of a discussion broke out in the comments about wedding vows. A reader said:

Has anyone else wondered whether the statistics on divorce mean that it simply doesn’t make sense to use the bloodcurdling bits of marriage vows, like ’til death do us part’ or ‘as long as we both shall live’? If one only has a 60% chance of making it,* it seems almost like perjuring yourself from the beginning.

And let's just say it's been the kind of week that has made me think about this comment. A lot.

Now, I'm not very traditional on most things wedding related, but I am traditional on a few. I'll encourage you to take a honeymoon of some sort right after the wedding (you'll need it!), try to get laid on your wedding night (you deserve it!), and not get married until you are 110% sure that you want to stay with this person till the day you die. Now, that doesn't mean that I think divorce should never be an option; as my Rabbi pointed out in our pre-marital counseling, "Sometimes divorce is a mitzvah." But I think that if you're not sure that this is the person you want to grow old with - well, you should slow down until you are sure. Which is part of the reason that I have so much respect for women who called off their weddings, and were brave enough to tell the tale.

To me, the part of the wedding where you promise to stay with this person until you die - that is the most beautiful part. It's not shiny and fun, and no matter how many rose petals you dump on it, it's not pretty. But it is beautiful, in a gut wrenching and real kind of way. It's why I think so many of us end up feeling wrecked and overwhelmed as we walk back down the asile. It's why the wedding ceremony is so damn huge.

Which brings me back to this week. This week friends of ours had a baby. This week, I talked to a bunch of other friends about pregnancy, new motherhood, and conception - about being wives and women and mothers - the big stuff. This week, I found out the husband of a friend was battling Leukemia. No, let me correct that, the husband of a smart, wise, strong, funny, amazing friend was battling Leukemia. Which makes you want to throw things at walls and scream. Or pray. Or both, alternating. They are young, they have been married only a few years, and now this? F*CK. Continue reading As Long As We Both Shall Live

Posted in: Manifestos, Marriage, Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts, Reclaiming Wife, The Ceremony, The Hard Stuff, Weddings | 171 Comments »

Jun 2010

Sex & Marriage: A Bisexual Perspective

After our very first post about sex and marriage, or more particularly waiting to have sex until you got married, I got to thinking that our next sex and marriage post needed to be from a LGBTQ perspective. I started chatting with Desaray (who formerly blogged at Digmoonment, and since her marriage has been whirling through blogs, and is now at Be More Yours) about things I'd learned from the LGBTQ community about relationships and sex. Because here is the thing: it's fashionable at the moment to say that gay relationships and straight relationships are exactly alike. And, well, love and love are exactly a like, but as Desaray points out, gay relationships are sort of the Galapagos Islands of relationships. EG, if you deny a community access to publicly sanctioned relationships, the one up-side is that gives them all the room in the world to be creative, and to come up with what works for them.

So. As we were saying, what I am very grateful to have learned from a multitude of queer committed relationships that I have had the joy to observe closely in the last 20 years, is that I do not have to set never-failing-no-mistakes-monogamy in the center of my relationship, as a booby trap that has the power to take down a lifetime of commitment. That is, perfect monogamy can be the ever present goal, but I don't have to conflate perfect manogomy with fidelity.

So. Desaray and I chatted, and then suddenly, I had in my inbox a guest post that gave me chills every time I read it. It made me want to take notes, it made me giggle, in made me teary. And it made me feel a whole lot smarter. So, it's provocative, and brace yourself for that. And Desaray isn't speaking for everyone, she's speaking for her. But DAMN the woman is smart:

....

I have the special privilege of being bisexual. That means I'm also bi-cultural when it comes to sex and relationships. I really like to relate to people, too, so I've been in a lot of relationships. Long-term, sexual ones involving cohabitation. If you want to do the numbers, I have 10 years and 3 lovely people on my LTR resume. My LTR education includes a bachelor's in Women's Studies and a Master's in Social Work. My LTR skills include: anorgasmia, chat room sex, phone sex, long distance relationships, interracial relationships, impotence, premature ejaculation, heterosexual bed death, pornography addiction, cohabitation, condoms, birth control, non-consensual sex, coming out, dating, on-line dating, internalized transphobia, non-monogamy, female ejaculation, non-legal in-laws, legal name change, marriage-type agreements, divorce-like situations, transgenderism, STDs, BDSM, diamond rings, weddings, re-marriage-type marriages, budgeting, interstitial cystitis and infertility.

Clearly, I'm an LTR expert*.

And what I've found is that queer people are really great at sex and heterosexual people are really great at relationships.

What I Learned From Queers About Sex

Everything is sexy. And by this I mean, everything. Queer people taught me how to dance, dress sexy, talk about sex, and watch sex. Queers taught me that almost everything is sexy, including high heels, dresses and cellulite. From watching porn to replacing light bulbs, life is sexy. I guess once I took a millennia of rape and domination out of the equation, I was really able to let my hair down when it came to sex.

Sex is not a deed. When I started hanging out with queers, I noticed that sex was a lot easier and more fun because in addition to everything being sexy, sex was no longer contractual, it was not transfer or bargain. Sex was an art, a good time, a goal -- but it was never binding. (Except, of course, when it was.)

Every relationship is sacred. OK, fine. Queer folks know a thing or two about relationships, too. Without the labels of marriage and divorce in the queer community, all long-term relationships are meaningful, really, romantic or otherwise. It doesn't matter if your person died, cheated on you or moved out. It doesn't matter if you shared a lease or fluid or neither. If you loved them, if you lived together, or if they cooked a meal for you during a Judeo-Christian holiday, what you had mattered a lot. Even if it ended. There is no such thing as a "failed" relationship, like the way heterosexuals talk about "failed" marriages.

What I Learned From Heterosexuals About Marriage

Marriage is a group project. As a queer person with a wife, I thought that it didn't matter if my partner never hung out with my parents and I thought that standing up in front of friends and family to declare my love and devotion was unimportant. For some reason, I was under the impression that my relationships could survive if It my partner skipped the baby showers and birthday parties, or wasnt invited. I thought it was OK that my friends were iffy about her and I had nothing in common with her friends. This was not the case.

Marriage is not a feeling. I called my first wife a wife because I loved her, but we had nary an understanding when it came to money, sex or children. We may no longer come with cows, but heterosexual people taught me that marriage is still an arrangement, rife with expectations, compromises and promises best made explicit and in advance. If you love someone, buy them a coffee, send them a card -- heck, you can even have sex with them! But, marrying them is a whole other matter entirely.

Sex is not a choice. OK, fine. Heterosexuals know a thing or two about sex, too. They were kind of right when they came up with the whole sex-is-a-duty angle. It is non-negotiable. If you're not having it, you should. If you disagree about it, come to an agreement. Sex is the key to the lock. Sometimes you want the door locked, sometimes you want the door open, but you have to have the key. If you lose the key, you have to get a new one made and if you havent lost the key, you get a spare and hide it. All doors have locks, losing the key doesn't make the lock disappear. If you lost the key and don't want to get another one, you're not going to remove the lock are you? Unless you are going to call the locksmith and have the lock removed, you need to get a key. Because what if some one accidentally locks the door and you can't get it open? (Heterosexual people also taught me how to talk about sex using extended, extended metaphors.)

Applying What I've Learned

In my new role as a lesbian wife, I am trying to apply everything the straights and the gays have taught me about sex and relationships. Continue reading Sex & Marriage: A Bisexual Perspective

Posted in: Manifestos, Reclaiming Wife, Thoughts & Action | 147 Comments »

Jun 2010

Elopements, The Follow Up

I've been thinking a lot about last weeks discussion of elopement. I was really surprised that even here, in APW-land, we still seem to view elopement as taboo, and even selfish. Now, I'm not arguing that elopement is for everyone (it certainly wasn't for me), but I am arguing that eloping should be viewed as a valid choice for each of us. When I brought the discussion up with David last week, and said that an large number of people said something along the lines of, "but you owe your family a wedding!" He commented that big family weddings haven't even been the historical norm for very long. 100 years ago, we were getting married in our parlors, or at the courthouse. Maybe our closest family was there, maybe they were not. But this idea of the huge party, the party you owe everyone? New. But I thought Marisa-Andrea said it best when she said:

I definitely understand family members being hurt that were excluded. BUT — and yes, it’s a BIG but — two people coming together in a marriage can be intensely spiritual and emotional and is something that should be done in a context in which those people are their most authentic selves. While having a wedding may satisfy or please certain family members because they get to be present, get to participate in the big to-do or what have you, it does a disservice to the couple and everyone involved if having a wedding means that the individuals marrying can’t show up. And to me, that’s not a joyful or romantic event. I think it’s wonderful if a couple considers how others may be affected by their decision to elope or not or ANY decision they make regarding their choice to get married, quite frankly. But I also think that couples must be true to themselves and authentic. Always.

Which? Yes. So when Lauren sent me this article from the AARP bulletin about a couple's elopement because of immanent deployment, I had to share it with you. Because not only does it knock the wind out of the sails of the 'elopement is just selfish' argument, it also knocks the wind out of the sails of 'It's selfish to hold a party after your vows to celebrate with your loved ones, since you didn't invite them to witness your vows,' argument. It reminds us what a freaking blessing it is to get to celebrate with people who just got married, whether we were invited or not, whether we knew them or not. And more than all that, it reminds all of us, no matter how big our wedding, what the point of this whole thing really is. And now, the article:

As a senior at MIT, our only daughter, Holly, got engaged. Soon the Army called her fiancé, Erik, to go to Iraq, so they planned to marry after he returned and she finished graduate school. As all brides do, Holly dreamed about her wedding. She chose a dress, a church and a family friend as organist. She chose her favorite processional and recessional marches, one of which her father had composed.

But reality did not follow the plan. Erik was sent to Fort Sill in Lawton, Okla., where he learned he could ship out at any minute. Holly left school for a few days to see him off. The couple decided to marry right away, the uncertainty of war looming in their minds. They called to tell us, we arranged a flight but were still in the air when they found a justice of the peace at the courthouse. It happened so fast that the bride wore blue jeans.

When we arrived, we made the best of the situation and took them to dinner. As it turned out, our new son-in-law didn’t get shipped out that day. The base chaplain found out and asked all of us to come to the local church the next morning. We didn’t know why.

At the church, Holly wore a favorite teal silk dress, and Erik his uniform. As we waited, a miracle unfolded. The church’s entire congregation came to support the newlyweds, whom they had never met. Some even brought wedding gifts wrapped in silver paper and big bows. Following a blessing ceremony, the congregation formed a receiving line and greeted the couple at the altar. We didn’t have a photographer, but our “wedding guests” snapped away. They sent us their pictures, so we have reminders of a very special occasion. It was a wedding to remember for all the right reasons.

(Go see a picture of the couple here)

Continue reading Elopements, The Follow Up

Posted in: Ask Meg, Manifestos, Meg's Thoughts, The Ceremony, The Hard Stuff, Weddings | 77 Comments »

Apr 2010

Jezebel: Time To Wise Up

I don't know if you guys saw the Jezebel article attacking weddings, and women, and brides yet again. I saw it, oddly enough, because I started getting a flood of traffic from the comment section, where brides were standing their damn ground for a change. When I saw the article, I rolled my eyes. Because, oh what? Another article trashing weddings? Not the wedding industry, mind you, but brides in particular. Because you know us brides with our vapid vapid ways.

But this time it was different. This time it pushed people over the edge. This time something snapped. And it's about f*cking time. A Los Angeles Love wrote an open letter to Jezebel that you should go read now. But I'll quote the best bits here:

So many of your incredibly intelligent staff have recently planned/are planning weddings/marriage that it's shocking to me that there's not more talk about the hard-but-interesting stuff. You have a real platform to talk about weddings differently, apart from the standard woman-bashing narrative. There's a real case to be made that the disdain with which some of your writers have approached women's choices about their weddings indicates a real lack of respect and buy-in to typical gender stereotypes and trashing of a traditionally women-centric domain.

And honestly? I'm going to tell you NOT to click through to the Jezebel article. Continue reading Jezebel: Time To Wise Up

Posted in: Gender & Feminism, Manifestos, Meg's Thoughts, Uncategorized, Weddings | 65 Comments »