Personal Thoughts

Oct 2011

Working For Yourself: Month Nine (Balance)

{Me, on vacation, with the text of The New Yorker all over me}

This month I spent half of it halfway around the world on a mostly-unplugged two week vacation. I spent the other half of it back in San Francisco, hard at work. And I'm typing this from a runway in Seattle, on a delayed flight to come back home after moderating the Offbeat Empire panel at Geek Girl Con this weekend. That sort of sums up this month: wonderful and nuts. Or as I like to think about it, finding balance between two extremes.

Self employed small business owners are always telling me how they can't take vacations, and I'm always arguing that as a small business owner you can't afford not take vacations. Yes, most of the time self employed vacations are not going to involve international trips (though the more of those we can pull off the better), but if you can't take time to totally unplug, to stop answering emails, to get out of the office (by which I mean your house), and to just STOP, you're not going to get a chance to see the big picture of what your business needs, and what you need. The first half of the month I spent time staring into space and napping, lying by the pool and reading the New Yorker (see above), but I also did a lot of on paper journaling. I'd stare into space and think about what wasn't working in my life and business, and then stare at my journal and write lists, ideas, thoughts. And by the end of the two weeks I had a far better idea of what I wanted my next steps to be, what my big picture goals were for self employment, and what I needed to change right this second. And what I needed to change right this second was fixing my business infrastructure and working smarter. I needed to spend more time doing big picture stuff, and less time focusing on tiny details.

When I got home to San Francisco, within a few short days I'd handed in my final edits on the APW book (It was funny: when I saw the index for the first time, it finally hit me. I'd written a real life book with a real life index, holy shit what was that). And just like that, for the first time since I started working for myself full time in January, I didn't have a book to write. And the amount of extra time and breathing space that gives you is intense.

So I did common sense things. I talked to my staff to get their feedback about what was working and what wasn't. We made some invisible to you but huge to us editorial changes (hint: edit flow and editorial calendar plug ins). I had a long meeting with my excellent accountant where I finally handed day-to-day book keeping over to him, so I could keep track of what I was making on a month-to-month level, instead of only doing the books in a flurry of stress once a quarter. (Hint: just because you can do it yourself—and I'm good at Quickbooks—does not mean you should.) I worked on my 2011 budget. I made the first steps on building a foundation for new, post-book projects. And I even took an afternoon off now and then, to enjoy the finally-emerged-after-an-awful-foggy-summer San Francisco sun. I started a needlepoint project, so I could calm my mind after a busy day of working online. I spent a little more time with my husband. And for the first time this year things felt a little bit easier. I had a little more time for gratitude. I had time to think about how this blog has grown since my full time leap in January, and how amazing all of you guys are (even the quiet ones).

And then this weekend I dashed up to Seattle to Moderate the Offbeat Empire Panel at Geek Girl Con. I'd never been to Seattle, which is very pretty. But mostly it was amazing to spend the weekend with the Offbeat Empire team. Ariel and I kept cheerily introducing each other as, "This is my closest competitor," which is totally true. But it's great to live in a world where I can hang out with my closest business competiors, and we can trade advice, and try to help each other create more awesome. And my roomates the two different nights, Megan Finley, Managing Editor of Offbeat Bride, and Cat Rocketship, Managing Editor at Offbeat Home, are awesome, hilarious, smart ladies. And that was even better.

So onwards and upwards. I hope to close out the last of this year with more balance, more breathing, and more sharing of ideas. And oh yeah, a book I wrote. Because that's totally happening too.

Posted in: Entrepreneurship, Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts | 20 Comments »

Oct 2011

APW Book: The Pages

I haven't talked much about the process of writing the APW Book since I finished it in early June, and I wanted to catch you up. This summer has been a slow back and forth of edits between me, my editor, and the proofreaders. When I finished the book, I was borderline terrified of the editorial process. First off, I'd found writing the book to be relatively painless, so I figured the other shoe had to drop sooner or later. And secondly, I generally operate in an industry where everything I write is viewed as "problematic," so I figured it would be just the same with book writing. Let me explain...

As much as the wedding industry and I are not buddy-buddy, I still operate generally within the wedding industry. I've built a little bubble of safe space here at APW, but I still know that by saying over and over that you don't have to buy All The Things, I'm not necessarily making friends. There is a whole industry perpetuating upon you buying All The Things, and who am I to f*ck up that system? Every so often, the wedding industry decides to try to make a friend of me, asks me to do something that seems reasonable... and then inevitable mayhem ensues. Because it quickly becomes clear that my message is not, in fact, the traditional message of, "You really should be sad that you cannot afford All The Things, so here is a plan for you to beg, borrow, or steal cheap replicas of The Things, which will still make you feel terrible because you know that All The Things is the standard. But hey! It's better than nothing." Instead my message is, "You don't need All The Things in the first damn place. Why don't you have just The Things you actually care about? Or you can have none of The Things if you don't care about any of them! Just be happy." Because apparently you can't sell happiness, so people get very uncomfortable.

So, it was with this re-occurring experience that I went into receiving edits on the book, and I was trepidatious. When I got my first round of edits back in July, I saw a little note from my editor next to my section on "Calling Off Your Wedding," and I started hyperventilating. They were going to make me cut it, I was sure, because if you call off your wedding, you won't buy All The Things. But then I read the note and it said, "Great! Maybe we should put this section in a box to highlight it?" And I realized A) That the wedding industry was crazy, and I had post-traumatic stress, and B) I had the best editors in the world. Perseus Books my friends, the largest independent publisher in the US, is full of talented and delightful people who do not care about you purchasing All The Things.

So after my initial fears proved unfounded, the summer's edits went along swimmingly well. And then suddenly it was September, and I was in Istanbul, and I was receiving the full inside page layouts. It was no longer a manuscript; it was a book. I got the file, and we had to run around Istanbul, in between a baklava outing and the airport, and find a copy center to print the book. At first there was the normal copy center wait, and I sighed to David, "Copy centers... the same the world over." At which point someone appeared with some tea for each of us while we were waiting, and I drank my words. Never has Kinkos offered me tea with sugar. Then the one man who spoke any English at all was ready to help us. After some gesturing and pointing, we had it worked out, and he cheerfully said, "A4 paper?" and we both sort of stammered and blushed and said, "8.5 X 11? American paper?" You've never seen such confused looks. Why is it that we do everything differently than the rest of the world, but in seemingly arbitrary ways? "Right. Well. A4 paper is fine."

And then we were off to the airport, where I got to look at my book as a book for the very first time. I couldn't remember what the heck I'd written in it, but half way through the intro I turned to David delighted and said, "This author is funny, and seems so nice. Do you think she'd be friends with me?" He seemed to think she would.

Soon I'll have book galleys in hand, and we'll be ready to do this thing. Stay tuned, as I plan a small (self-financed... that's the way the world works now) book tour, and we get ready to buy the book* all at once in December. Because if you're not planning a wedding, you always have gifts to give, right? And besides, the book might or might not be dedicated to you. I couldn't possibly say.

* Funny. Customers who bought my book also bought Caitlin Moran's How To Be A Woman. Always a sign you're doing something right. More details on that book club coming later this week.

Posted in: Entrepreneurship, Life, Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts | 81 Comments »

Sep 2011

Name Changing: Don’t Be Quiet About It

It's been awhile since we discussed name changing on APW. And funny enough, in the time that we haven't talked about it, it hasn't gotten any easier, nor have the answers become any more obvious. So here is the first thing I want to point out: if you're in the middle of making this decision, you have lots and lots of options. Society tends to present a black and white world view: you change your name, or you don't. But thinking about it that way just disempowers you. As illustration, let's look at people we know in the APW community:

APW staffer Lauren was going to change her name, but then decided that felt wrong to her. She and her husband decided to hyphenate at the last minute. A new name for a new family.
Cate changed her name, but was adamant about using Ms., not Mrs., because, "Because you shouldn’t be able to tell a woman’s marital status from her title any more than you can a man’s."
APW staffer Kate has a dream husband (hi Kevin!) who offered to take her name. But after a lot of discussion she decided that she didn't want to keep her often-mispronounced-as-a-bad-word last name, so she changed her last name, and took her maiden name as her middle name. Well, socially. She hasn't done the paperwork yet, and it's been more than a year. She goes by Ms. as well, in case you were wondering.
Brenna changed her name, and then it didn't feel right, so she changed it back.
APW Staffer Alyssa changed her name, and then cried about it, mourning the loss (which in no way made it the wrong decision for her).
Marie-Ève lives in Montreal, where it's actually illegal for a woman to change her last name upon marriage. We had a long conversation about this, where I said, "People here think that to be a family, you need the same last name." And Marie-Ève said, "That's crazy. To be a family, you just need to be a family."
And then there is me. I didn't change my name, and I didn't have any heartache about it. If you ask us what we'll name our kids, however, you'll get some flustered arm waving. Don't think I'm going down without a fight.

So you have options. You have way more options than I've listed here, but this is just to get you started. You don't even need to make a decision right now; you can wait til you feel ready. Or you can make a decision, and then change your mind. But don't let anyone make you feel like you don't have choices.

But here is where I have an issue: for most of us, this decision isn't an easy one. Even if we take the most traditional route and change our names and go by Mrs., the process is often emotionally difficult, leaving us in tears, feeling like we're mourning a loss. And if there is anything I've learned from the ongoing APW discussion about name changing, it's this: the men in our lives, by and large, don't know how hard it is for us.

Why? Well, I'd argue that we're being too quiet about it, and we're wasting far too much time judging each other for making choices different than our own. (Every second you spend judging a woman for making a different choice than you is a second you wasted.) For whatever reason, we're internalizing a lot of the painful bits. Maybe we're talking about it with our partner, but we're not talking about it with the world at large. We feel like, "This is the way it's always been," and "I just need to figure out what I want to do," and "There just are not any great solutions," instead of saying, "I'm just not willing to put up with this anymore!" or "You need to know that this is painful for me," or "I want more options, damn it, and better options, too," and then politely lighting something on fire. Continue reading Name Changing: Don’t Be Quiet About It

Posted in: Ask Meg, Gender & Feminism, Manifestos, Marriage, Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts | 630 Comments »

Sep 2011

APW Book Club: Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman

Yesterday I mentioned that I spent a chunk of my vacation rather greedily gobbling up books, and well, I needed to clue you in about one of those books in particular. Thanks to a recommendation from Cate, I snapped up Caitlin Moran's How To Be A Woman in the Heathrow Airport. We can't get it easily in the States, but I'd been told it was amazing and contributing to an ongoing discussion of feminism in the media in the UK. (Why don't we have that Stateside? I want to know!)

So I picked it up, and my mind was blown. Because, you guys, this is one of those rare books that feels like it was written for me in particular. It felt like it was written for you guys in particular. It is a book with our names on it. It is a funny, feminist, honest discussion of what it's like to be a woman today. It was, rather obviously, the next APW book club pick. I couldn't help it. It picked itself.

Because here is the thing: I'm a feminist. Obviously. But I'm not a very angry one (unless you get me started on name change and children's last names on a personal level, and then I'm quite pissed off). I'm more the funny kind of feminist. And there is not anywhere near enough of that going around, if you ask me. So while How To Be A Woman isn't technically about weddings or marriage (though she touches a bit on both), we'll be reading it. In fact, I'm going to go so far as to make all of you in the US order it from the UK, because it's that good.

Specifically, it's this good:

In case you were wondering how many copies you should buy of a book that you want to give out to everyone (perhaps a sane wedding book by someone you know, coming out at the end of the year?), the answer is five. It would have been more, if I thought I could fit them in our carry-on luggage at Heathrow, but five will do. Because Caitlin Moran says things like this:

However, whilst chipping in your six penn'orth on what it's actually like—rather than what we pretend it's like—to be a woman is vital, we still also need a bit of analysis-y, argument-y, 'this needs to change-y' stuff. You know. Feminism.

And this:

I don't know if we can talk about 'waves' of feminism any more—by my reckoning, the next wave would be the fifth, and I suspect it's around the fifth wave that you stop referring to individual waves, and start to refer, simply, to an incoming tide.

But if there is to be a fifth wave of feminism, I would hope that the main thing that distinguishes it from all that came before is that women counter the awkwardness, disconnect and bullshit of being a modern woman not by shouting at it, internalizing it or squabbling about it—but by simply pointing at it, and going 'HA!' instead. Continue reading APW Book Club: Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman

Posted in: APW Book Club, Events, Life, Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts | 151 Comments »

Sep 2011

Reclaiming Wife: Married Travel

First off, I'd like to thank everyone for letting me take what felt like a two week sabbatical. I know. Other then the lack of my wry prattle on Twitter, you probably didn't notice much, did you? That is because of the amazing APW Team: Lauren D., Kate, and Alyssa handling the content side, Emily handling the business side, and Liz and Lauren W. moderating. Those ladies are amazing, so a huge thanks to them.

But I'm back. I've taken a lot of naps, written a lot in my on-paper journal, stared into space quite a bit, read some books, spent time with my husband, done some serious exploring, and taken eight flights. It's been epic. Specifically, I've visited three countries, two continents, and three islands in ten days. I know. So let's back up and talk about travel.

I didn't leave the state of California till I was 14 years old. It's a big state, and we didn't have a ton of money. I lived in a poor area in Southern California where the fact that I'd been to Northern California several times was considered relatively fancy. My parents had both grown up in the military, so they'd already traveled and lived all over the world, and no one else I knew went much of anywhere. Poverty is isolating enough that I knew someone in his early twenties who had never left the city limits of our hometown.

When I was 21, I went to South Africa, thanks to a highly subsidized honors trip I got into at Tisch, the arts school I attended (PS. The cover image on the Tisch website is from a class I was physically in. Odd, yes?). By the time David and I got together, that was the sum total of all the travel I had done. And more to the point, I felt like travel wasn't accessible to me. It seemed like there was some magical skill set that the kids I went to college with—who'd cut their eye teeth on trips to Europe—had that I didn't have. I thought I didn't have enough money; I didn't have the skills. I wanted to see the world, but I wasn't sure it was possible.

David disagreed.

At that point, we were pretty broke (artist class, as we used to call it). I made about $27,000 a year, living in New York City, which, suffice to say, is a little tricky. So when David announced his plan to take me to Europe for the first time, I thought he had lost his ever-loving-mind. I told him there was no possible way I could afford it, so he did what he always does when he has to convince me: he researched. He built spreadsheets proving how much it would cost, and how much I had to save to go. He arranged for us to stay with my family in England. He talked his parents into donating some frequent flyer miles to the cause. He figured out the most affordable time of year to go (hint: American Thanksgiving). And he would not give up until I came around.

Needless to say, it was amazing. Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: Married Travel

Posted in: Life, Marriage, Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts, Reclaiming Wife | 267 Comments »

Sep 2011

In Memoriam

Ten years ago today my life was ripped in half, changed forever. So many lives were forever altered; so many lives were needlessly lost.

If there is one thing that I've learned in the last decade, it's that the only way I can honor those who were lost, the only way I can honor surviving, is by living the best life I possibly can. So today I'm far away from the news, far away from the images, remembering. Honoring. Healing.

I wish the same for all of us affected. And I raise my glass today to those who were lost. May our lives always do honor to your memory.

Posted in: Life, Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts | Comments Off