Bridal Brigade

Jul 2012

How Planning a Wedding Has Made Me a More Thoughtful Wedding Guest

Many of you will spend a lot of time going to weddings this summer, but it seems there is almost no conversation about what it means to be a wedding guest. For us (and for many of you) getting married in front of a community was both why we had a wedding and the most important part of the whole process. Virginia’s post nails what I think being a wedding guest should be, how your wedding is not a show, and how guests are not an audience.

This being the thick of wedding season, I’ve heard quite a lot of wedding chatter—on wedding boards and blogs, on the train, and at drinks with friends—to the effect of “I like my friend, but I don’t like his/her fiancé, so I’m going to go to the wedding to support him/her and just party it up.” I would like to respectfully suggest to the world that this attitude is a little lame.

As someone who is both getting hitched and attending hitchings in this particular wedding season, I wanted to submit a post on thoughtful wedding guestmanship. Here on APW, we often talk about being thoughtful and engaged (ha! I punned!) during the process of wedding planning as a means of avoiding the dreaded WIC and the pressure of all the weddings that have come before. But in the same way that the WIC has created a lot of unnecessary pressure on those planning weddings (from having the most adorable guestbook to making sure you have all the feelings), I also think that it has lifted some of the necessary pressure on the community surrounding the couple. When a wedding is primarily a source of entertainment, an Event, or essentially a performance art piece, then a guest becomes an audience member—a passive observer as opposed to an engaged participant.

But when you’re invited to someone’s wedding, you’re not just being invited to a bitchin’ dance party—in fact, in some cases, you are not being invited to any dance party at all. You’re being invited to share in a moment of commitment. It is an honor and a responsibility, and I think that in the same way that we expect the couple to have done at least a little work on their relationship before they make it to the altar, driftwood chuppah, or beribboned tree, we should do a little prep work ourselves to make sure we’re ready to make a commitment as well—a commitment to recognize and support the relationship being affirmed. Continue reading How Planning a Wedding Has Made Me a More Thoughtful Wedding Guest

Posted in: Bridal Brigade, Friends & Relations, Wedding Undergraduates | 127 Comments »

Jan 2012

Sisterhood of the Dress VI – Dress Worn!

Long time readers know about one of APW’s pet projects: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Dress. This project started years ago when there were far fewer of us hanging around these parts, and it involved readers passing dresses, one to the other. It was one of my very favorite things in APW-land, but like all good things, it eventually needed to wind to a close. A few dresses were shared and loved, but far more often the idea of sharing a dress was more powerful than the difficult reality of sharing a dress, and tears were shed. So, to bring the series home, I’m honored to bring you Rachel and Jenn (whose new paper venture is over here), talking about the dress they shared, and loved. And just a warning. This one might not be safe for work. I cried when I least expected to…

Jenn: APW and The Sisterhood changed my life and shaped my wedding. And I stumbled across it by accident, after a small misunderstanding with my photographer.

I found my photographer (sponsor Jenn Link) on another wedding website. When I emailed to contact her, she thought I had said I found her on APW, and offered me the APW special price for that year. Because this was better than my wildest dreams, I decided to take a gander at this website she mentioned, so that I could honestly say I had seen her over there too… and the rest is history for me.

I read the whole archives that first weekend, and it was just like a cartoon lightbulb came on over my head. I think many people here feel the same way, but across the ocean in London, feeling alone and swamped by how much everything would cost (and yet could still look tacky) APW felt like a shining beacon cutting through the fog of WIC bullsh*t. I finally experienced the delicious freedom to let go of everything the WIC wanted to sell me, but I knew I didn’t need.

The first week after I started reading, Meg ran a post on venue chairs, and why it seemed to be one thing sensible women were still willing to spend money to upgrade, despite the obvious unimportance. When I left a comment about how much I hated my venue’s pepto pink chairs, but didn’t know my sensible side could bring myself to rent new ones, Liz left a comment telling me she was happy for me to borrow the chair covers she had bought for her wedding. And then a few weeks after that, Rachel’s post arrived, giving away her dress.

I put myself forward after a long debate, with both myself and my friends/family. I wondered if I would regret not having the experience of “finding the one” with my mom, surrounded by loving bridesmaids, I wondered if I would regret that it was only about 50% like what I had envisioned wearing, I wondered if it was the right size, I wondered if it would even look good on me… there were a lot of doubts. But the buttons—they were just so beautiful! Rachel looked graceful and elegant wearing it, but not in a fussy way, which is how I wanted to be. And also, she partied hard in it, and it was still standing. So I decided to go for it—what was the worst that could happen?

A few months later when I moved back to DC from London, I met with Rachel (and also Sarah) for the hand-off. We had a few beers, got to know each other a tiny bit, and took some immortal Polaroids (with Rachel’s actual Polaroid camera, not just an iPhone app) where I have my eyes closed. Once I got the dress home though…I put it on, with great difficulty, and knew I could not wear it in that form. It barely fit me—I felt like a little sausage in a casing, and could definitely not breathe. I really didn’t like the bows on the front and back, as I felt like they didn’t suit me, and I wondered if I would get to a point where I actually liked the dress, or could sit down while wearing it.

Continue reading Sisterhood of the Dress VI – Dress Worn!

Posted in: Bridal Brigade, Team Practical | 44 Comments »

Oct 2011

Ask Team Practical: Bridal Party Dates

with Alyssa

My maid of honor (MOH) and I have known each other for a number of years, as you’d probably assume. And over the past few years, she has been dating Steve. Steve and I usually could get along fine, and we didn’t have much trouble until a couple of years ago. My MOH and Steve moved in together with the MOH’s son (her son has a different father and they share custody) around that time. Everything seemed fine at first until I started getting constant phone calls from my MOH. She’d be crying and telling me Steve was calling her and her son names, yelling and all around being nasty. As her friend, I’d try and give her advice and tell her to get out of the relationship and that she deserves better. She said she understood but didn’t do anything about it. She was convinced she was obsessed with him, a few months later had a child with him and continued on the path she had been going since the beginning. This was until she called me one day and asked me to help her get out of the relationship. After a long time spent convincing her, we decided to move her out of Steve’s house. Police were involved as well as about five friends who shoved her things in boxes as quickly as possible to get her out. She moved into her mom’s house and she still continued to talk to Steve. She tried to hide the fact she was dating Steve from me for a while and the cat eventually got out of the bag.

Now my question… I know she’ll want to bring Steve to my upcoming wedding. Steve has blamed the failure of the relationship partially on me and I’m sure he has a few nasty things he’d like to tell me. However, I don’t believe this is going to deter him from coming to my wedding. The last time I saw him we were civil. But, his behavior at our wedding can either turn out alright or can turn out really badly. I have no idea. So, do I risk angering my friend (who will take offense to my request after she’s spent a ton of time and money helping me with my wedding) and ask her to choose a different date? Or, do I risk it, make her happy upfront and see how it goes? I don’t want him there. But, I also want my MOH at my wedding, and I’m afraid it would put a big dent in our friendship.

~J.

J., before I dive into your question, let me talk about bridal parties and dates. I’ll meet you at the end of the post, okay?

If a member of your bridal party wants to bring date you don’t like… well, there’s not a lot you can do about it. Wanna know the best way to shatter a friendship and break up your bridal party? Tell one bridesmaid they can’t bring a date and let another bring one. OR, you can let the bridesmaid bring a date, but just not the one she wants. If any of the bridal party gets a plus one, they all get a plus one. Yes, even your single bridesmaids. Trust your friends to not bring someone inappropriate or who hates you. You can let them in on how busy they’ll be the day of the wedding and how you think their date will be bored, but in the end, short of flat-out banning their date and causing a ruckus, you’ll just have to accept the situation and move on. Look, as much as I dislike the idea of a bridesmaid bringing a date who is not friends with the couple to a wedding, the “no ring, no bring” rule for the bridal party I’ve seen batted around wedding boards is worse. For those unfamiliar (I hope you all are blessedly unfamiliar), it’s the idea that unless they are married or engaged, bridesmaids and groomsmen aren’t allowed to bring a date. Unless the date is a terrible human being, you are not going to notice they are there. (If they are a terrible human being, keep reading to J’s advice.) If the idea of this date eating your canapés just tears you up inside, have a talk with your friend and explain to them why you’d rather them not be there. Just be prepared for the conversation to turn uncomfortable; you not wanting their date there is actually a judgement on their relationship, and that will be upsetting. Besides, isn’t dictating their clothes, shoes, jewelry and hairstyle enough? (Kidding! Mostly.)

Now. Back to J.: Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Bridal Party Dates

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, Bridal Brigade | 80 Comments »

Oct 2011

Second Time Bridesmaid: The Fiercest Kind of Love

I was a bridesmaid this weekend. I always joke that our friends are not the (traditional, bridesmaid having) marrying type, and by and large they are not. That comes from a deeply bizarre mix of growing up around poverty and having slightly bohemian friends. But I’ve been a bridesmaid twice, both times for my friend Lacey. The first time was ten years ago when we were 20, and the second was this weekend when we were 31. The fact that the wedding party was a group of girls that have known each other for twenty years tells you much of what you need to know about our hometown and the kind of intense loyalty growing up in a very difficult place engenders. For me, the wedding was about the story of the last ten years, the growing up we’ve all done, loss, and the profound hope of love.

I get a lot of emails about second weddings. I hear a lot about ladies who are terrified how their community might judge them—ladies who are worried whether they deserve a party the second time around. Here is what I learned this weekend: chances are, this fear could not be farther from reality.

As bridesmaids, this was not our first time at the rodeo. We knew a thing or two about getting the bride dressed, making sure the groomsman behaved (at least till after the ceremony—shots!), and setting up centerpieces. Ten years ago, we’d done what on paper looked like the same tasks, and we’d worked hard trying to get it right. But none of that compared to the ferocity of love present at a second wedding with a crowd of women who have walked through the fire together and who know what love and loss look like. Ten years ago, I worked hard to make Lacey happy on her wedding day. This weekend, I would have walked on water to make her happy, and all the other girls felt the same way. When someone you love has walked a hard path with grace and found someone who really makes them happy and adores them just the way they are? That is the kind of love you fight for, curl hair for, set up centerpieces for, wrangle tuxes for, line up groomsmen for, wipe tears for, and throw confetti for.

Going into the weekend, I had a sense of just how hard everyone was loving Lacey and Ric. But I thought, on some level, that we’d pretend the last ten years didn’t exist. That to make room for love, we’d let everything else go. What I hadn’t realized was the way that weddings allow you to hold many conflicting things in your heart at once. They allow your heart to enlarge; they let you access the rooms whose doors you’d locked.

On Saturday, all of the last ten years were in the room at once. I watched Lacey read her vows (off her phone!) thought about how wonderful it was that she finally had found someone who deserved her. I watched her dance with her eleven-year-old son, and teared up thinking about how I used to spoon baby food into his mouth while gossiping with Lacey about my over-wrought collegiate dating life. I watched Lacey’s tiny niece, a flower girl, spin around the dance floor, thought of her as a baby, and hoped for the future.

And then there was the loss. Continue reading Second Time Bridesmaid: The Fiercest Kind of Love

Posted in: Bridal Brigade, Life, Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts, The Day Itself, The Hard Stuff, Weddings | 46 Comments »

Oct 2011

Ask Team Practical: Bridal Showers

with Alyssa

In theory, bridal showers should be a big ball of fun. A party thrown for you, where people shower you with love, adulation and presents. However, friends, family and social conventions sometimes conspire to ruin what is supposed to be just a good time. Let’s chat about that.

Do I even have to have a bridal shower?

No. And if you are among the few who think that’s a strange question to even ask, consider yourself lucky. For the rest of the readers, the mere mention of a not having a bridal shower will have your loved ones looking at you like you suggested that y’all not wear undies and go cartwheeling in the church parking lot. But, just like any other aspect of your wedding, if you really and truly do not want to do it, don’t. You’ll be miserable and your hosts will be miserable because you’re not enjoying all their hard work. Be respectful and gracious while refusing the honor, but stick to your decision. Seriously. We’re not kidding. Send us booze to thank us later.

But my bridesmaid/mom/co-worker is having a fit about it.

That’s because, also like your wedding, this isn’t completely about you. Culturally, bridal showers can be about celebrating community just as much as it is celebrating your wedding. It’s a chance for people to gather, talk, laugh and eat. And also to give you presents. Again, if you truly don’t want one, decline. The world will not end if you don’t have a bridal shower, no matter what your mom says. But if you’re on the fence, and the person who wants to throw it is standing at the ready with petit fours and Pin the Bouquet on the Bride games, and you know that they’ll be willing to really listen to what you are and are not comfortable with, then let her or him just throw you the damn party. It might be fun.

So I don’t get a say in how the party is thrown? Awesome, Alyssa.

No, sassy-pants, you can definitely request some major things. The guest list should come from you, as well as the overall tone, i.e. don’t let your maid of honor throw you a kegger if you’re inviting your alcoholic mother-in-law. If you hate games, say you hate games. If you don’t want everyone to have to pay a fortune to eat lunch at the Ritz, tell them that. The person throwing it may even welcome some guidance; not everyone is immediately equipped to handle the task of being in the bridal party.

However, once you paint some broad brushstrokes, let them fill in the details. You can’t tell them Blush is ok as a color, but not Bashful. You’ve got a wedding to throw, so stay out of the way. If you want to control the exact type of food provided or the music played, throw your own party. (Which you should do anyway.) Trust whomever is throwing it not to do a terrible job, and be gracious regardless of how it turns out.

So who throws it?

Traditionally, the maid or matron of honor, but the rest of bridal party usually wants to get in on the action. However, anyone can throw you a shower. If your older relatives want to do a shower for their friends as well as yours, go for it.

But please, don’t just expect that you’re getting a shower thrown for you. Don’t require a shower to be thrown for you. Talk to your bridal party about it. This is an area that can be fraught with tension because of uncommunicated expectations, so y’all need to be up front with each other. Realize that the person you’ve picked as your whatever of honor may not be able to be the one to throw you a shower. Finances may be tight, their life might be crazy busy or they just may suck at throwing parties and not feel like it. That’s why other friends, family or members of the bridal party can step in and help out or even take over. And that’s fine. Don’t feel like people not throwing a shower for you means they love you any less.

Can my relative/mom’s friends/partner’s family throw me a shower?

No.

Kidding, of course they can, what did you think I was going to say? (Miss Manners, please forgive us, as you know we adore you, but we’re getting rid of the rule that your family can’t throw you a shower, because it’s become awkward and outdated. Etiquette must evolve, yes?) Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Bridal Showers

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, Bridal Brigade | 184 Comments »

Jul 2011

Ask Team Practical: Wedding Party & Parent Gifts

with Alyssa

We’ve gotten a whole lot of questions lately about wedding thank you gifts. And from the outset, can we just say: the best thank you gift you can give is a heartfelt letter. I have the letter David wrote me on our wedding day on my desk (the gift he gave me is… somewhere safe… I’m sure). And to be clear, we don’t think you have to give thank you gifts. But we know some of you will, and that you need details, so read on…

I know it’s traditional to get your parents gifts (isn’t it?), but my dad and I are not on great terms right now and he hasn’t offered to help one iota with the wedding—mentally, emotionally or financially. In fact, there was some question about whether my stepmother would attend because she doesn’t feel “accepted” by us kids, and there’s been a lot of bad blood around the issue since I got engaged. My mom, on the other hand, has given more than she’s probably capable, and my partner’s parents have, too. Am I still obligated to give my dad a gift, and what about my stepmom? Am I just asking for more trouble if we give gifts to all the parents except them?

-L

As a basic guideline, gifts need to be given in sincerity, not in obligation. It is not that the act requires a gift, it is that (according to Miss Manners) “You must care enough about people to want to gladden their hearts with a token of your esteem, if you accept their overnight hospitality, celebrate [holidays and major events] with them or expect a large inheritance from them.” Basically, the etiquette isn’t “Give thank you gifts,” it’s “Don’t accept something from someone if you don’t like them well enough to want to give them a present in return.”

That makes it easier, huh? Well, sort of. When a gift is expected, for no reason other than, “That’s what you do…” then it makes things harder. L, you might know that your dad doesn’t deserve a gift for the same reasons that your mother and partner’s parents do, but he might not realize that. There’s already tension in regards to your father and stepmother’s role in your family, so while etiquette might give you a pass, they probably will not. And only you know the answer to that.

I want to tell you that you don’t have to give him anything other than a damn hug and a smile, especially since he hasn’t given you anything for your wedding. However, look the big picture. Don’t think of this as just a gift for help with the wedding, look as this as a thank you for being your father. It doesn’t sound like it’s always been hearts and flowers between the two of you. And it might be tempting to omit him from the gift-giving for not being there for you, but that kind of gesture will have repercussions beyond your wedding day.

If it doesn’t hurt your heart, give your father and stepmother a gift along with everyone else. (Editors note: We’re not saying you have to give him just as thoughtful a gift as you give everyone else. I mean, really, who would ever know? Achem.) If it helps, make your mother and in-laws’ gift a little more special by including a heartfelt letter on how much their support meant to the both of you. I’m sure that they’ll treasure that more than a monogrammed keychain anyway.

****

My parents are throwing down thousands of dollars for the wedding and I was planning on getting them a thank you gift from our honeymoon spot, but is that the right thing to do? Or should I have thank you gifts for them on the day of as well? And what’s enough to thank your parents for spending time and money on your wedding? I’m worried that nothing I offer up will be good enough (could just be family issues with gratitude going on there). Do people give gifts to their parents on the day of the wedding? What’s traditional? Is it ok to wait until after the fact?

-SD

Generally when there are gratitude issues, pretty much nothing you do will be good enough. You could find the most perfect gift ever, wrap it in expensive paper woven specially by Russian monks and have it gently carried to them on gossamer ribbons by a flight of snow white doves and they’d probably still find something to bitch about. I say this not to discourage you, but to let you off the hook. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Wedding Party & Parent Gifts

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, Bridal Brigade | 174 Comments »