Oh, hi. So it's Friday, which means it's Ask Team Practical with Alyssa. Except this week was about bridesmaids (something I have an opinion or two about), so it turned into a bit of a collaboration. You knew it was going to happen sooner or later. So today it's Ask Team Practical with Alyssa (& Meg). Which is a fancy way of saying, blame all the tough love stuff you don't want to hear on me, and all the kill 'em with kindness on our own favorite Texan, Alyssa. So without further ado, bridesmaids, non-bridesmaids, ladies around the bride.

Last week we talked about being a lonely bride.  Knowing that it would garner a lot of comments about bridesmaids, having them and being one, we decided to follow that up with a post on that tricky, tricky position of honor.  We've received more than a few emails since we started Ask Team Practical regarding bridesmaids- both on being one and having them.

Bridesmaids As a Bride:

Anonymous says:

I got married a few weeks ago and my one bridesmaid was great; my other bridesmaid didn't do much at all besides show up.

On the surface, I tried to not let this bother me, as I had told her I didn't necessarily expect a lot of fuss or financial obligation, but her lack of interest was disappointing.  She did attend the bridal shower, but she didn't offer to help, sulked the whole time and left early, and  she missed the bachelorette dinner. I tried not to let this bother me. I asked for her assistance on a couple of things, and she avoided communication until I would later respond I had derived another solution.  I was more upset with her attitude than anything, but I let it go because I didn't want to seem like a Demanding Bride.

However, it came to a head three days before the wedding.  She informed me, after an exhaustive back-and-forth, that her boyfriend wasn't attending after all because "something big came up."  I later found out that he just didn't really want to come, and instead chose to go out-of-town for a football game. She then decided she wanted to go to, and left my reception an hour early.  My husband is downright furious with her.  Me?  I'm just very disappointed.  I know that no one cares as much about your wedding as you do, but I was deeply hurt that she was so careless.

I got an email from her a few days later "apologizing." Sort of.  Part of me thinks I should say something, but the other part of me is worried that I will come off as this b*tch for telling my best friend that she really let me down when it counted the most. How do I handle this?

So here is the rub - one, your husband is kind of right on this one, and two, you really do have to be honest with your former attendant.  You need to set aside the fact that "you were a bride, so if you act like you care you're silly." This was a huge life event, and she wasn't there for you (or she was, but in a super half-*ss way). That was painful. You need to talk. Now.  This is like any other problem with a friend; if you don't deal with it head-on, it's going to continue to drive a wedge between the two of you until there's not much left of your friendship.

But keep this in mind: Some people are crap at weddings, but brillant at other things. And then some people are fun to get manicures with, and crap at anything that really matters.You may need to figure out which is which with this lady of yours. One of the things about weddings is they have a way telling you which friends there for you in a pinch and which ones are not, and sometimes you really wish you never found out.

Brides as a Bridesmaid:

On the flip side, we have this this question.

I'm splitting duties as maid of honor with a matron of honor. However, the matron will have no part in it unless she does it all herself. It seems she wants to relive her bridal shower and bachelorette party through her best friend's. I was wondering if you had any advice?

What do you do here? Keep your eyes on the bride (and the Matron of Honor in your peripheral vision at all times). Talk to the bride and see what you can do in to keep things close to her plans as possible.  The last thing the bride needs is a fight among her attendants, but she might need someone to fight for her. Because here is the thing: the real job of bridesmaids is not to lift things, or even to go to dress fittings. It's to listen to the bride-to-be while she b*tches, and it's to run interference between the bride and people acting a fool.

So gently but firmly tell the matron of honor there will be no penis parties. And then nudge her to be there for the bride as much as possible (and listen to the bride b*tch if that doesn't pan out).

Bridesmaids - The Avoiding Problems Before It Starts Edition:

For anyone else still planning their wedding, let's talk about trying to avoid this problem in the first place.  (And I will be saying, "bridesmaid" a lot.  That's because it's easier than being gender neutral in this instance.  If you call me sexist, I will have my man of honor come and beat you up.)

Here’s the thing.  Miss Manners says that, "The original point of having bridesmaids was that the bride would wish, at this momentous occasion in her life, to be surrounded by her closest friends."

That's it.

No, seriously, that's really it. Everything else is cake. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Bridesmaids