Engagements & Proposals

Feb 2012

Why Being Pre-Engaged is Actually Awesome

Every time we talk about being pre-engaged, I feel like I have to write a little disclaimer. We use the word pre-engaged on APW in a tongue-in-cheek way. Once upon a time, I was sent a marketing email aiming at selling useless crap to the "pre-engaged." I vomited a little in my mouth, and then promptly reclaimed the word to describe that very of-the-moment phase many of us go through: when you're pretty sure you're going to marry your partner, but one or both of you isn't quite there yet. It's the time when you're sneak reading wedding blogs (hi there y'all) trying to figure out what you think about weddings and marriages. It's when people are pressuring you to get hitched (back off people!), and when you're continuing to learn about your relationship. So today, we have Erica talking about why taking your time is actually awesome (because it is).

The other day I was watching a morning news show and the hosts started talking about a horrifically awkward YouTube video making the rounds. In it, a girl is proposed to on the Jumbotron at a basketball game. The camera finds her and her boyfriend in the audience, he goes down on one knee with a ring box, and then... nothing. She gets a pained look on her face, covers her mouth with her hands, and then gets up and walks off screen. This was a proposal that was clearly not only unexpected, but evidently unwelcome.

And it got me to thinking about the hype surrounding engagements. If you want to see how over the top this has gotten, look no further than a recent New York Times article about “proposal planners.” It seems that, in the case of the couple at the basketball game at least, the guy was so focused on planning an unforgettable proposal that he forgot to figure out the important things, like whether or not his girlfriend actually wanted to be married to him and was ready to say so.

I had a long time to think about being pre-engaged, in fact, I had six months longer than I would have liked actually being pre-engaged to think. But now, from the other side I can tell you that pre-engagement is maybe the best thing you have/will ever done/do for your relationship.

My partner and I moved our relationship at light-speed for the first six months or so. Two days after we met I got fired from my job, which meant that I had a very short time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. It also meant that I had an inordinate amount of free time, which I spent mostly mooning over him. A week and a half after we met we went on a three-day backpacking trip in the desert, and a week after that he dropped the L-bomb. Four months after our first date we had moved in together and had a dog. A year after that he picked up everything and followed me to graduate school 500 miles away.

But after awhile the more typical relationship timeline kind of caught up with us. Two years in, we were still living together, with the dog, spending weekends puttering around the house and watching Netflix. I started to feel like something had stalled, that we were no longer moving forward. And, more importantly, while I had always wanted to get married, I suddenly found that with my partner I was more excited about being married. To him. So I went a little nuts. Like many a sane, rational, reasonable woman before me, I kind of lost it.

Over the next few months, I dragged him to a jewelry store to look at rings, and then spent weeks worrying that we’d never be able to get married because there was no way we could ever afford anything. In an effort to soothe my anxiety, he confessed that he actually had a ring, from his family. You’d think this would make me feel relieved, but instead it threw all sorts of doubts into my head. Then why weren’t we engaged yet? What was holding him back?

And so we talked. A lot. About all of the normal things, money, kids, careers, our families, and what we imagined our lives together would look like. At some point, while I never actually stopped thinking about it, I resigned myself to the fact that it probably wasn’t going to happen for a while.

Which, of course, is when it did. It couldn’t have been more perfect. And now that I’m in the thick of wedding planning, with all of the attendant insanity, I’ve never been more glad that by the time we finally did get engaged I felt like we knew each other incredibly well. And I know that we are, and always will be, a team.

So pre-engaged ladies, take heart. And be glad that you’ll never have the entire audience of a basketball game, and the internet, watch you run away from an unexpected proposal. I mean, I hope.

Photo by: Moodeus Photography from the APW Flickr Pool

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Posted in: Engagements & Proposals, Wedding Undergraduates | 30 Comments »

Jan 2012

How a Lot of Talking and a Little Perspective Slew the Pre-engagement Beast

The thing about weddings (and engagements, and hell, marriage) is that our cultural narrative about them is so strong that even those of us used to bucking the trend and doing things our own way can get pulled down into its vortex. Stacey's post about waiting for her partner to propose is powerful because she talks about untangling that cultural narrative, freeing herself from it, and then figuring out what's right for them both. Sometimes I think that learning how to do this during the engagement and wedding planning process is half the point of a wedding... because we need to do it over and over again as we build our families and our marriages.

Dear Team Practical members, who like me, are patiently (or not so patiently) waiting on a ring, or an engagement puppy, or for some ducks to line the heck up, I have some news for you!

Last weekend, my wonderful-beyond-measure boyfriend mentioned on a lazy Saturday morning that he’d been thinking about engagement rings. Now, before you get all "omgamazeballsdiamonds" let me say that this isn’t the first time this has happened.

The conversation went like this:

Him: I was thinking about engagement rings.
Me: (With forced nonchalance) What about them?
Him: What kind of ring you’d like, I guess.
Me: Well, I can find some examples of things I like, if you want.*
Him: Okay, sure.

*No, I didn’t have a secret file of engagement ring pictures on my computer somewhere.

Now. This exchange is remarkable for two reasons. Reason one: when the subject of engagement rings was first ever broached between us, he made it very clear that this was his thing, and that under no circumstances did he want my input, or for me to mention that this was a thing that was actually, maybe, happening at some point. That was six months ago.

But I, I, probably like many of you Practical People, am a do-er. If I want something to happen, I make it happen; if I don’t like how something in my life is going, or I’m unhappy, I think about what’s actually not working, and I change it. I’m that girl who in middle school, and high school, and… college rolled her eyes and sighed heavily at her group project members and then made all the pie charts and Powerpoints on her own. I would rather do all the work myself and secure a positive outcome than leave anything up to my team members and thus, chance.

So, when my boyfriend told me to stay out of his engagement tree house, I freaked out. I called my mom frantically because "I only wear one pair of earrings, and one necklace! HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT I WANT IN A RING?" but really I was frantic because I couldn’t relinquish that control. So, for several months I quietly freaked out. Reading APW helped. A lot. But still those romantic comedy clichés and societal expectations were hard to weed out of my mind—they set down roots ages ago, and those roots have grown deep and strong.

Continue reading How a Lot of Talking and a Little Perspective Slew the Pre-engagement Beast

Posted in: Engagements & Proposals, Wedding Undergraduates | 55 Comments »

Nov 2011

Ask Team Practical: Women Proposing To Men

with Alyssa

My boyfriend and I have been together for eight years and have talked about getting married several times. We're completely committed to each other and we've both agreed that we see ourselves together and married in the long term. After reading an APW post on proposing to your boyfriend and conquering my nervousness, I decided that's what I wanted to do. Hooray, right?

About seven months ago, however, he got a serious injury. He is expected to recover fully, but it has been a difficult half year full of doctors' appointments, physical therapy, chiropractors, more doctors' appointments, and so on, and it isn't over yet. Progress is slow, and it has taken a toll on his mental health. I wouldn't say he's full-on depressed, but it has made him prone to some serious blue and anxious spells, and all of his (and much of my) energy is focused on this issue right now.

During a period of time in this ongoing recovery when he was feeling a bit better, I approached an artist about creating an original piece of work where the proposal is embedded. The final product isn't done yet, but I expect it will be within a few weeks. My original intention was to propose around our anniversary, which is now within a month. My question is, is this a terrible time to do this?

One the one hand, of course I wish he was feeling better and more himself and that our life was more its normal self. I hate the idea of asking him and having it be overwhelming given everything else that he's dealing with. On the other, I'm excited about this and—especially without knowing how long a full recovery will take—dislike the idea of waiting indefinitely. Is this selfish?

My dear M,

Wanting to be happy is never selfish unless it is at the expense of anyone else involved. Just the mere act of you asking that question and considering your boyfriend's feelings makes you not selfish, so let's just get that little piece of self-loathing out of the way right now, shall we? Good. Now on to the question.

Society uses The Proposal as the benchmark for engagement. This means that there is the culturally sanctioned comfort in knowing that when one of you proposes with The Ring, you will be engaged (squee!). Add to that the fact that waiting for the Official Moment of Engagement can be, well, full of emotional turmoil, and you have a recipe pushing you towards getting engaged NOW NOW NOW. Here is the trick though: being engaged does end the "limbo" of pre-engagement, but it also puts you into the limbo of an engaged couple, which can be a thousand times better, but worse in its own way. (Funny how that works.) So, before you do anything else, take a moment to confirm that you want to get engaged because you want to get engaged, not because you think it will solve all your problems (pro-tip: it won't).

Now, let's move on to the fact that you (and all of us) are a feisty, kick-asstastic, barrier-breaking woman, and you (in particular) are saying "Eff convention, I'll propose instead!" This is excellent. We applaud you (fact: the APW staff is actually giving you a standing ovation). The thing is, deciding to propose throws you into a whole mess of other emotions and insecurities, the bulk of which, as any man or LGBTQ partner who's proposed can tell you, is nerve-wracking. And of course, this is totally normal. This is what men-who-traditionally-propose have gone through since the dawn of time. And the great thing about women having more power over our lives, is that we also have more responsibility and worry. I say that's a great thing, but it also sort of sucks. Tricky.

I wish I could come up with advice for you and all the other brave ladies who are proposing, but this is one of the most personal decisions you'll ever make. So the simple truth is, there is no answer I can give you other than ponder it with your head and your heart, and then go with your gut. (And re-read this post on women proposing to men.) Remember: there is no one good time to propose. You just have to trust yourself and your relationship, and then make that giant wonderful leap. Hell, there's no reason either one of you has to propose at all; you are engaged when you both decide that you are engaged. APW is full of people who got engaged with make-shift rings, off-hand comments and engagement puppies. They are proof that engagements, like wedding, come in all shapes and sizes, and all of them are right and wonderful.

However, if you want a proposal, do yourself and your partner a favor and realize that the moment may not be what you imagine it to be. Yes, you want it to be special, but, darlin', the moment you decide that you are engaged is special—whether there's doves and violins and sunsets and mariachi bands, or a conversation in a grim room at a hospital. A proposal can even go terribly awry and still be amazing because OH MY GOD, YOU'RE ENGAGED!!!

But in the end, regardless of when you propose, or if you do at all, the both of you should think about going to counseling. Even if you haven't had any marriage talks, have you had talks regarding your future in general since the accident? Your life may never be its "normal self" again, and you both may need to mourn that. A healing body takes a lot out of a person and makes it harder for an injured or sick person to feel anything but "I wish I were better." Any kind of illness has long reaching effects and it's best to talk to someone while your partner is having his blue spells and before he gets "full-on depressed."

But if you do propose, you will come back and let us be your cheering section, right? Because we really want that. Good luck, lady. We're with you in spirit.

******

So what do you think, Team Practical? How do you decide on when to propose?

Photo of reader Emily's wedding by Rima Campbell Photography from the APW Flickr stream.

If you would like to ask Team Practical a question please don't be shy! You can email Alyssa at: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though we prefer if you make up a totally ridiculous sign-off like conflicted and rageful but deeply in love in Detroit (CARBDILID, duh). We're not kidding. It brings us joy. What, you don't want to bring your editors JOY?!

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, Engagements & Proposals | 50 Comments »

Oct 2011

Mortification and the Pre-Engaged State

Long time readers will remember Manya (who now writes at Safari Mama) from her Wedding Graduate post and her super brave post on the wedding she should have called off. Today's post is in Manya's usual frank and funny voice, and it's about the difficulties of knowing you want to marry someone before they are ready to marry you. When she sent me the first draft, I giggled all the way through it. I, too, once had a fake Kn*t account with a fake wedding date and read wedding magazines on the Subway "to relax." But Manya clearly hadn't let herself off the hook for the way she'd reacted to the cultural and emotional pressures of the pre-engaged state. So we talked about the ways we redeem ourselves through planning a wedding and building a life together, and she finally let go. So today's post is not just for the pre-engaged. It's for all of us who need to forgive ourselves, to finally laugh at ourselves, and get back to the hard work of loving ourselves, crazy behavior and all.

The word mortify has its roots in the word death. Over the ages it has meant “to kill” and “to bring about death,” and now it has been reigned in significantly to mean “to humble or embarrass.” Never have I understood this word better than the moment Brian and I officially entered “The Pre-Engaged State,” a profoundly awkward space that we inhabited for about eleven months.

I remember the exact moment I knew Brian was it. I was nestled in a pit of sand and we were talking about what we like to cook. I gazed up at the sky and felt something inside of my chest click into place, like a lock. Now he tells me that he sensed something had changed, and had thought to himself, "Oh, thank God. She’s crossed over too."

I started thinking about getting married far too soon for somebody who was not long off of a difficult divorce and who should have been worried about rebound. But my head was no match for my heart, so think I did. And dream. And surf websites. And open a secret file in my computer where I kept pictures of engagement rings. I might have sent one or two to my sister, in case Brian ever sought technical assistance. I might have spun the pantone wedding color wheel once or (a million times) twice. I registered on The Kn*t with a fictional wedding date. I mooned over Snippet & Ink. I made a virtual fool of myself, but no one was there to see. This went on for two years, and as our relationship grew better and better (not to mention older), I felt less foolish about it.

We traveled thousands of miles and had a Christmas together at my parents’, then two. I met his mom and stepdad, father and stepmom. I got to know and love his sons, and them me. Then we were at the beach and talked about whether it would be a nice place for a wedding. I told him about an idea for invitations—for someone who might be getting married. On our third Christmas together, our divorces were behind us, our relationship was thriving and (without ever talking to him), I became convinced he was going to seek my parents' blessing when we visited them over the holiday. Thus, I gave myself permission to (secretly) unleash my inner Bride, and using the excuse that they don’t have all the good wedding stuff in Kenya, I bought every single bridal magazine I could find. While Christmas shopping, I also sneaked into the local David’s Bridal to try on some dresses—just for fun.

While at David's Bridal, I felt sheepish, but excited and giddy. I tried on dresses, and juiced it up with the sales girl. I stretched the truth, and said Brian and I were getting engaged over the holidays. But I told the truth about our names, and I signed the guestbook and registered my favorites on a wish list, too happy about that short, cute little affordable dress to think to change a digit in my home phone number. By the time Brian arrived (a few days after I did), I had hidden the magazines under the bed. I didn’t want him to feel pressured, or let on that I had intuited his secret.

Then, two nights after my stealth visit to David's Bridal, as we all worked in my mom’s fragrant kitchen preparing a huge family meal, the phone rang and Brian answered.

“Hello, this is David’s Bridal. We’re calling to do a customer service follow up with Manya who was here visiting us this week. Would she be available?”

Brian summoned me to the phone with a quizzical look; “Honey? David’s Bridal for you? You were there this week?” Unfortunately, the woman on the other end overheard the endearment and after he said, “She’s coming” gushed, “Oooooh, you must be Brian! Congratulations on your upcoming Nuptials!”

As he handed me the phone, he whispered, “You marrying someone named Brian?” My heart stopped for a minute, but in the bustle of a Christmas kitchen I recovered by saying, “What? God, these telemarketers will say anything to get you on the phone these days!” During dinner my cheeks burned, but the light was dim, and I was wearing a turtleneck. By the time pie rolled around, all seemed forgotten.

He gave me a tiny box for Christmas that contained a beautiful…(!)… pair of diamond earrings; I bravely mustered the enthusiasm that the lavish gift deserved. A few days later, when it was time for Brian and the boys to go, my excitement had chilled like a post-Christmas house. Unless he had dragged my parents into the spidery basement where the water heater lives—and that is not how he rolls—Brian clearly had not asked for my hand. I took comfort in the knowledge that my inner Bridal frenzy was, at least, my secret.

As Brian packed his bags, I sat with him and cried a little and blamed it on the impending separation. I miss you already, I said as I swallowed my tears over the lump of disappointment in my throat. Oh, baby, me too, he said, as a roll of socks slipped out of his hands and rolled under the bed. He bent his 6’6” frame down and rummaged around under the bed, then cackled as he pulled out a glossy pile of magazines, “Oh dude, I think I just found somebody’s stash.”

Continue reading Mortification and the Pre-Engaged State

Posted in: Engagements & Proposals, Planning, The Hard Stuff, Wedding Undergraduates | 91 Comments »

Sep 2011

How A Kayak Changed My Perspective

Since earlier this week we were talking about knowing when to leave a marriage and finding happiness after you do, it only seemed right to dive into second weddings and making peace with your own path. To quote APW's first ever post on Second Weddings, and the excellent Brandi, "This isn't your second wedding, it's your last. Should I have the honor of receiving an invitation, I'll be there with bells on and help you celebrate, however you choose to do so, in the fullest manner possible. You deserve it." And now, let's chat.

I recently wrote a pre-engaged essay all about getting married a second time. It was about how excited I was but also about how disappointed I was because it was all so Complicated. I worried about what people would say, how my kids would react, how I was supposed to feel, how much I was entitled to celebrate and even how my ex-husband would handle everything.

While I waited for my boyfriend to get his ducks in a row, and while he and I talked about Everything (because I still believe if we talk about Everything I can avoid a train wreck of a divorce) I secretly fussed and worried myself into knots over the actual wedding. I was obsessed with that line from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Committed, “How very awkward to stand in front of one’s family and friends (many of whom had been guests at one’s first marriage) and swear solemn vows for life all over again.” She encapsulated everything I was thinking.

Then one day he turned to me and said, “Do you want to go buy kayaks this weekend?” I had told him that I’d rather have a kayak than an engagement ring and I guess he was listening. We saddled up my sons (ten and thirteen) and headed to this amazing shop where you can “test drive” the boats. After four hours of paddling, laughing and swimming when we flipped a boat, we each had a perfect engagement kayak.

Then I went home and deleted my essay on how Complicated everything seemed.

I don’t know what snapped in my head that morning but sometime during those four hours with my new little family everything changed for me. When you make up your own rules you can have anything you want. Everything is appropriate when you are celebrating happiness and love. It all makes sense now. I have already been asked if I can wear white (grrr) and one uncle has already said something dumb about this being my “second time around.” I had been dreading this and was sure I would slink away to city hall if anyone mentioned my first marriage. Silly Girl! It’s looking like this wedding will be a humongous and crazy display of friends and family and love and DIY projects and music and happiness, and I can’t wait.

Picture: by Hart & Sol Photo (APW Sponsors)

Posted in: Engagements & Proposals, Planning, Planning, Wedding Undergraduates | 33 Comments »

Sep 2011

What Getting Engaged Teaches you (Big Things Take Time)

We've had a lot of fascinating conversations on APW about navigating your way through the pre-engaged waters to engagement. There was Ang, talking about her crazy youth and the pre-engaged state, there was my recent post on wily ducks and waiting till your partner was ready, there was Rachael's post on communication and patience. But perhaps my favorite post of all time is Sarah's post on Do's and Don'ts for Friends of the pre-engaged. And now she's back, and engaged. She's talking about why engagements don't need to be fancy, why they sometimes take time, and what she learned about her relationship while she was waiting.

So guess what? I’m engaged. It rocks! And even though I knew we were headed in this direction, my sweet boyfriend (now fiancé!) still managed to surprise the heck out of me.

The weekend before Adam proposed, we took our bikes and tore around the Stanley Park Seawall like ten-year-olds, stopping halfway round for ice water and prawn tacos. That night we drank for hours on our apartment’s deck, watching the sun dip below the trees and little bugs play in the light. I thought about how blissfully happy I was and how perfectly content I would be to just sit out there together for the rest of our lives. And he had the ring with him the whole time.

It wasn’t until Monday, when I suggested we make frozen pizza and he insisted we go to my favorite restaurant that he finally got the nerve up. He pulled the car around after dinner, and the little ring box was sitting on the passenger seat when I opened the door.

It was, by far, the most romantic thing I’ve ever experienced. All I could think as we sat in his beat-up Volvo, smooching and crying, was that this isn’t a guy who is only romantic when he asks that one question. This is a guy who will spend his whole life having fun with me, make canned beer on the deck feel blissfully romantic, and who I just want to ride bikes with all summer long. I’m so freaking lucky.

I wanted to share my story for two reasons. First, because I feel like proposals are getting crazier and more over-the-top every time I hear one. And I’m here to tell you that, even if it’s in the car on a Monday night, with unwashed hair, and after dinner that you paid for yourself (with a coupon), it can still be the most blissful and wonderful feeling you’ve ever had.

And the second thing I wanted to share is, that if you’ve found the right person, and you know you want to get married, the engagement is worth waiting for. It’s worth the anxiety and uncertainty of the pre-engaged state, it’s worth that feeling of bitterness when you hear that kid you babysat is getting married, and it’s worth those aching feelings of powerlessness you feel when you’ve told your partner you’re fed up and he says “be patient.” Because the second it happens, all of that goes away. Instantly.

When we were pre-engaged, I started to feel like a second-class citizen. I started getting self-conscious every time we showed up at a party and I still didn’t have a ring on. When those blasted red hearts showed up on my Facebook newsfeed announcing that so-and-so just got engaged, my first thought was usually “Already?! They’ve been together for two minutes!” Oh, and watching Teen Mom, where pregnant 16-year-olds get engaged every episode, I started feeling sincerely jealous that those kids “had it all.” (Yeah, it got bad.) Continue reading What Getting Engaged Teaches you (Big Things Take Time)

Posted in: Engagements & Proposals, Planning, Wedding Undergraduates | 146 Comments »