Dilemmas

May 2013

Every time I’m in charge of the food for a family event, the following scenario occurs.

1. I pick some kind of uniting theme, think about how much food we’ll realistically need for the amount of people we’re expecting, take the budget into account, consider what kinds of foods and food groups I love to see at parties, and plan the menu accordingly.

2. I make a grocery list.

3. My mom looks over said grocery list.

4. The questions begin.

5. I answer the questions (somewhat) patiently, and we go to the store. To my mind, there are no more questions. But somehow, when we’re standing in the bakery section of the grocery store, the questions begin again.

“Are you going to make those bacon-wrapped dates again this year?”

“Well did you think about having those spinach and cheese puffs?”

“Are you going to make that popcorn mixture with the white chocolate that you made last year? That was so yummy.”

No, no, and no. Because while those bacon-wrapped dates are amazing, they aren’t on the menu. We are going to have plenty of food, and I kinda had a thing going with what I’m planning to serve. I don’t want to just add to it for the hell of it. So we go back and forth; I insist that we don’t need that extra food and she insists that we do. And eventually, she gives me her go-to defense for all the stuff she’s throwing in my cart: “People want options.” “But we don’t need shrimp cocktail. I have all these other appetizers,” I say, removing the shrimp from my cart.

The day of the event, she’ll run out to pick up an ingredient we need and come home with three more appetizers that weren’t on the menu. When I get annoyed, she does it again. “Well, people like to have spinach dip,” she says. ”WHAT PEOPLE?” I finally demand, elbow deep in the buttercream I’m making for the new recipe I’ve decided to try and sweating bullets. “These aren’t strangers showing up to our house in an hour. Stop saying ‘people’ when we literally have five people coming over and we can just name all of them.” Continue reading The People Want Options

Posted in: Budget, Friends & Relations, Planning, The Day Itself | 176 Comments »

Apr 2013

How To Have A Wedding Weekend

And now, by popular demand! The final installment of our timeline series, brought to you by APW sponsor Elizabeth Clayton of Lowe House Events (in case you missed them, you’ll want to check out parts one, two and three). This time she tackles how to have a wedding weekend. Wedding weekends are work, but man are they work that can be some of the most fun you’ve ever had. Luckily Elizabeth knows a thing or two about how to make it so that the payoff is worth the effort.

—Maddie

So, you’d like to have a wedding weekend. Awesome, as someone who has been to them as a guest, let me tell you—they are super fun. As someone who has helped clients plan them, I will also tell you that they are more complicated, and let’s go with almost always more expensive, than a wedding day, since you’re signing up to entertain people for a whole weekend rather than just half of a day. Wedding weekends, like all formats of weddings, have an infinite number of variations, but for this post we’re going to work with the baseline wedding weekend:

Friday dinner
Saturday breakfast
Saturday activity with a lunch break
Saturday afternoon ceremony
Saturday wedding dinner
Sunday breakfast/brunch

Do you have to have all of these? Actually, the answer is—more or less—yes. If you’re hosting a wedding weekend (key word there being hosting), you need to provide things for people to do for the whole weekend. Otherwise, it’s just…a wedding! Which is great! But let’s call a spade a spade.

Wedding weekends generally work the best if the majority of your guests are staying in a concentrated area: the same hotel, resort, campground, lodge, you name it. Can you do an urban wedding weekend? For sure, but if you want maximum people at maximum events, you want to make it sure that it’s as easy as possible for people to get to them. (As I told a client at a walkthrough last week, groups of people are generally happiest when things are easy. Whether that means getting to the bar or to your second brunch of the weekend, this holds true.)

That said, do you have to entertain your guests for every minute of the whole weekend? Nope! They’re grownups, and grownups are good at doing things like keeping themselves entertained for reasonable amounts of time. That said, you should entertain them for a good portion of the weekend, and should provide them with at least suggestions of things to do with their time. Welcome bags, which are always optional, are especially great for wedding weekends—you can include brochures for things to do nearby, a handy printed list of suggestions, a timeline of the weekend, and some snacks. Everyone likes snacks, and if you’re holding your wedding weekend in a remote place without a ton of easy access to snacks, it’s particularly nice.

Wedding websites, while also always optional, are also especially nice for wedding weekends as they can give guests a good idea of what to expect and what they need to bring with them. As a girl who constantly shows up to places that have swimming pools without a packed suit—it’s nice to let people know before they travel what they should throw in their bag. It’s also nice to let people mentally plan ahead—you don’t want someone to schedule a work call or breakfast with an old friend in the middle of what looks like a really great activity that they didn’t know would be happening.

Now, let’s get into some slightly more fleshed out timelines: Continue reading How To Have A Wedding Weekend

Posted in: How To, Planning | 60 Comments »

Apr 2013

How To Find A Bra That Fits You

BRAS BRAS BRAS BRAS BRAS. It’s time to talk about bras! (Because you guys asked.) Here’s the deal. For the longest time, I hated my boobs. I was convinced I needed a breast reduction, that my boobs didn’t fit my body, and I even spent the majority of college pricing out the surgery for when I graduated. Then, while shopping for my wedding dress one day, I stopped into a tiny lingerie boutique in New York City to find a strapless bra, and walked out a changed woman. Thanks to the delightful saleslady there and a heavy-duty bra from the UK, I now love my boobs. (Love them. It’s actually kind of unhealthy.) Thus, the power of a good bra. So today, APW reader Michelle (who actually has a bra store, y’all), offers up some advice for finding a bra that fits. She’ll be back soon with more information about what kinds of bras work with formal wear (like, say, wedding dresses). But for now, let’s dig into the post that I wish was around in 2003 when I was under the impression that you could totally wear a center-seamed cotton bra from the Gap on a pair of DD’s.

—Maddie

I have no idea how bra shopping got to be such a complicated and generally dreadful ordeal, shrouded in mystery. I mean, the majority of women need to wear a bra every day. Yet, a properly fitting, supportive, comfortable bra is some kind of mystical item we think only exists in legend. So ladies. If possible, grab the friend you take with you when you want an honest opinion and head to your nearest specialty shop. The specialty shop part is important—most box stores or chains don’t carry a wide enough range of sizes—which, I suspect, is what helped get us here in the first place.

For those of you who have never been to a specialty bra shop before, word of mouth seems to be the best way to find places, but there is a delicate balance of helpful versus snobby in boutique stores. You’ll know you’ve found the right spot if you feel comfortable and the salespeople genuinely help you. In my opinion, aside from getting your general wishes around color of your new bras, your salesperson should do all the work. They should fit you, get you all the bras (and maybe take the ones you’ve picked up and put them away…) and check every. single. bra. you try on. I don’t have any suggestions for online shopping because I just can’t even imagine how people buy bras online. I would have a really hard time buying bras online, and I sell bras for a living. Unless you can return them, but then that seems weird.

Next, forget everything you think you know about bra fitting. Unless of course you read this and think, “Isn’t that what everyone does?” If you think that, go give whoever taught you how to buy a bra a big high five and then go start converting your girlfriends to your ways. They need your help and probably don’t even know it.

The most important thing is to buy a bra with a band that fits. This is where you need to start your sizing since bra bands and cups are proportional*. The band needs to be snug and low. Your band should be so snug that the saleslady and/or friend you brought can’t pull it more than two inches (three at the very most) off your back when it’s on the loosest hook. The band should also be parallel with the bottom of the cup. All those cute girls in movies who nonchalantly take off their tops? All wearing the wrong size bra. Even the Hollywood costume folks can’t get it right. Pull the band down. Farther. You’re smaller lower on your back, and if it’s properly snug it will stay low and in place all day. Your bra should never ride up your back. If it does, you’re not getting any support from it (because contrary to popular belief, straps aren’t meant to do all the work there).

Now this may be feeling slightly uncomfortable. It’s because wearing something snug and low is foreign after years and years of looseness. After a day, you won’t even notice, and next time you go shopping you’ll be the one saying, “Hmmmm, that feels a bit loose I think.” Unless, there is pain. Pain is bad. Pain means size up. Continue reading How To Find A Bra That Fits You

Posted in: Style | 348 Comments »

Apr 2013

Long Distance Planning

Long distance relationships are hard. While they can certainly be beneficial to a growing relationship (hello, communication skills), I also know the pain and frustration that comes from just wanting to be together already, dammit (Michael and I were long-distance for six years before finally moving in together). So today’s post from Laura is a testament to all of it. The good, the bad, the work, the crying at the train station waving goodbye, and finally the joy of being able to wake up next to each other for, you know, ever. Long distance relationships are hard, but in the end, they can be oh-so worth it.

—Maddie

By the time we marry in May, my fiancé, M, and I will have been in a relationship for over 750 days.

We’ll only have spent about 170 of those days in each other’s physical presence.

Such is the hell of long distance relationships.

M and I started dating the second semester of our senior year of undergrad. Logically, we knew it was dumb (we both had pretty set plans for life after graduation). But neither of us is very logical. So we dove in headfirst without thinking about the potential rocks and snakes and crocodiles at the bottom. But we did know that we’d probably be apart for at least two years while he went to grad school in Texas and I hopped all over the country trying to find a job in publishing. Good thing I’m pretty talented at pretending not so pleasant things will either just go away or fix themselves. (My cavity and a clogged drain in the bathroom are still waiting for evidence that this method works…)

I don’t know the exact moment that I realized that M was the man for me. That I wanted to be with him forever. It was a gradual thing. In fact, it was exactly as described in The Fault in Our Stars (you MUST go out and read this book at once. I don’t give recommendations lightly…), “I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” Spot on. Because somewhere between the Skype sessions that lasted for hours and love letters in the mail, I knew this was it: I was going to see this thing through to the end because I couldn’t imagine life without him anymore. Because he made me a better person. Because he knew me and I knew him.

When M proposed, we were only halfway through our long distance journey. So, like the fiancé I thought I was supposed to be, I launched myself into planning. But I quickly realized it wasn’t as fun as present-day society told me it would/should be. (So many decisions!) I discovered that I didn’t care so much about the actual wedding day because it was the days after that I was really counting down to: The day our regularly reset countdown until the next visit, the next plane ticket, the next tearful reunion and departure would finally end.

So in between the stressful moments of picking out flowers and asking M what shower curtain we wanted to put on the registry, I began counting down to starting our life together: I wanted to come home and veg on the couch with him after a long, hard day. I wanted to try all the restaurants I drive past and wish I could go to with him. I wanted to fight over the last piece of cake on the counter. I wanted to bicker about the cap of the toothpaste and the position of the toilet seat lid. I wanted to celebrate birthdays, holidays, anniversaries (on the actual day!), and three-day weekends together. I wanted to cook and clean and make a home together. I want it all. Continue reading Long Distance Planning

Posted in: Planning, The Hard Stuff | 39 Comments »

Apr 2013

It Was Never A Question

There is a whole section of APW devoted to talking about the proposal and engagement…situation. Because God knows it’s a situation. If you want a proposal (me!) how do you reconcile that with your feminist principals? If you don’t want a proposal, how do you talk about it with other people? What does it mean if you’re waiting for a proposal? Hey! Women can propose. Hey! Women can buy rings for men. Hey! Women can buy rings for each other. And of course: ducks are wily. But up till now, we’ve never had a story of a mutual proposal. And I think you’ll agree with me that Lea Rackley’s is the best.

—Meg

I have an engagement story for you. Everyone loves those, right?

Actually, I want to talk about the love of the story first, because that’s where this really begins. You see, as soon as I knew I would one day marry Christian, I also realized that the cultural narrative surrounding proposals doesn’t suit us at all. Don’t get me wrong—roses and surprises and getting down on one knee are all well and good! But for two people who obsess over the symbolic meaning of everything, and for two people who see themselves as equal partners, meeting everything in life head-on, hand-in-hand, we decided we wanted to enter into our marriage the same way. So we decided to propose to each other, and to plan it together. Two unexpectedly awesome things happened:

1) It was so fun to know all day long that we were getting engaged, because it allowed us to be present and enjoy every minute.
2) I can now appreciate how hard it is to propose to someone! You don’t say those words every day, and they felt heavy and real and crazy and cool.

So, without further ado, the story we’ll tell our children’s children:

We arrive at Sugar Cove after a snow-covered hike through the Smoky Mountains. It’s a Thursday, and there’s no one here but us. We set up camp by the water and play for awhile on the snowy banks. Today is special, which makes every little thing seem noteworthy. I am blissed out over my berry granola bar snack, and the way Christian looks in his green beanie hat.

We are sore and tired in that exquisite post-hike way that makes our little camp stove dinner taste Michelin Star good. We sip red wine from a plastic pouch and admit to secretly wishing we’d see a bear. We practice our bear calls. Get outta here, you bear! Go back to the Hundred Acre Woods!

Mutual Engagement | A Practical Wedding (2)

It starts to get colder. We make hot chocolate and watch the light recede between the trees.

“Let’s get inside our tent and get engaged, Beez!” Christian says, and I love him for being funny and silly and so much fun. We run to our tent, starting to shiver now, and we zip ourselves inside. We put on extra pairs of wool socks and burrow deep into our sleeping bags. I can’t stop giggling as we lay there like two bright blue caterpillars.

I decide to go first. Continue reading It Was Never A Question

Posted in: Engagements & Proposals, Gender & Feminism | 55 Comments »

Apr 2013

Marriage And Early Motherhood Part II

Last week we gave you part one of Marriage and Early Motherhood, a two-part interview series where I get to pepper Meg with questions about her thoughts on choosing to have kids, being pregnant, and her perspective on the past few months of being a new mom. While the idea for this feature might have been ours (well, mine. I possibly harassed Meg into talking more about motherhood in one post than she probably plans to for the rest of time), the content is decidedly yours. The questions we’re asking were sourced from the almost five hundred comments you left in our open thread on the same subject back in March. And man are they good ones. If I’m being honest, part two is my favorite half of the interview, because today we get at some of the more taboo topics in motherhood—the stuff we aren’t talking about in a lot of other places: bodies, support systems, and the pressure for motherhood to be an all-consuming force. So if you missed part one, go check it out and come back. If you’re here for round two, let’s dig in.

—Maddie

Cage Match: My Thighs vs. Awesome Baby

Maddie: Ok, I just want to throw a few words out there and have you respond to them. I want to hear you talk about vanity. Because I feel like there is a lot that goes into, just, body stuff.

Meg: I think people are kind of ashamed to say that they have issues around vanity. And I mean, I think humans do. I don’t even think that’s something just women do. I gained more than forty percent of my body weight during pregnancy, and I was not made to feel awesome about that by the medical establishment. I did not do anything funny; that’s just what my body wanted to put on. I then turned around and it is almost all gone, I have a four-month-old, and I have not spent an inordinate amount of time at the gym. In fact, I could not go to the gym until week twelve because of medical stuff. So, my point there is not that you should be required to lose all of your pregnancy weight. If you can’t breastfeed, for example, it’s just going to take a long time. My point is the human body is way more resilient than we’re led to believe.

That said, there are parts of your body that will never be the same. There are things that’ll never be the same, but I hear people talking about it like that’s a reason to stop themselves from having kids if they otherwise want to. My problem with that is not the vanity, because you’re allowed the vanity. My problem with that is that shit’s going to happen anyway because you’re going to get older. So if you want to have kids, the idea that you would, like, worry that your boobs aren’t gonna look as awesome? Newsflash, your boobs are not going to look as awesome. That train has already left the station. So, there are parts of your body that will never look the same, though for me it hasn’t been terrifically extreme. I don’t want to say this in a minimizing your fears kind of way, but it literally is like, I look at my thighs and think, “I have a lot of stretch marks,” and then I look at my baby and think, “There is a new human being who lives here who is awesome.” I’m not saying I don’t have huge amounts of vanity like everybody else, but you can’t even compare. I’m like, “My thighs vs. awesome baby? Whatever, I’m going to buy a different swimsuit this year. Moving on.”

Everything Will Change…Right?

Maddie: Okay, so the other word. Motherhood and identity and all that goes with it. Motherhood and identity. I feel like you have a lot to say about motherhood, so I’m not even going to ask you a question.

Meg: Not everyone shares my opinion on this, but I do not feel like I have a new identity. At all. Period. The interesting thing about this is there are a lot of very smart women in my life who I’m very close to and respect a ton who have really felt like motherhood sort of internally rebuilt them. And I do not feel like that. I feel like I am exactly the person I was before I had the baby. I just now have a baby and in a lot of ways—and I don’t mean this in an everyone should have a baby sort of way at all—but the change for me is that I feel like I have a richer and deeper interior life than I did. I would say that I’m happier than I was, but you know, my interests are not any different. And my identity is not any different. And if I can say that now, when I am still deeply in the thrall of hormones, then that is a pretty radical thing to say. Because I think often your identity really shifts when you’re in the thrall of the hormones, and then by the time you’re the parent of a twelve-year-old, you’re not—I have friends who are parents of twelve-year-olds because, again, people we know got pregnant right after high school—by the time you kid is thirteen, you’re not like, “My identity revolves around my teenager.” But I didn’t even really experience that in the short term. Your mileage may vary, however.

Maddie: What about the flipside? Maybe it’s because, I dunno, I’m a couple years behind, or because of where I lived, or whatever, but on the flip side, I feel this extreme pressure to, if we do have a kid one day, to make it sort of no big deal. I did the same thing with my marriage where I was like, “Just married, no big deal. I think I like this guy, he’s okay,” kind of thing. And I’m afraid that I will be…

Meg: Why is that?

Maddie: I think it’s a rejection of the cultural narrative that it’s this huge, life altering…

Meg: …everything will change.

Maddie: Yes, exactly. So I feel like I need to say, “Nope, all the same here. Fine and dandy.” And I don’t know if that’s something that will change, or if I’m shooting myself in the foot with that.

Meg: I think you have to allow for the fact that things change. My identity has not shifted, but that doesn’t mean that all kinds of things haven’t changed. You know, there’s a whole new person in our lives. So, I think it’s a little bit of a balance. I also think that I’m in a weird situation in terms of identity, because super weirdly to me—because friends of ours had kids twelve and thirteen years ago—but super weirdly to me we are young within our friends circle to have kids, young within the greater Bay Area professional scene to have kids. In David’s office, the people who have kids the same age as ours are partners in their early forties. So, I’ve been in this weird situation where I roll up to daycare and I’m wearing some—David always mocks me that I’m wearing some trendy crap. I’m wearing like, Hunter wellies and patterned tights and a jean skirt and a striped shirt. And everyone else is noticeably older and wearing office clothes. There really can be this sort of mismatch, I feel like I look like the babysitter. Which is ridiculous because I’m thirty-two. So it can be sort of interesting the ways your identity maybe doesn’t shift, and then how you relate to other parents. I haven’t figured that part out yet. At all.

How We Stay Sane

Maddie: One thing I want to talk about is this idea of support. Because I feel like there is this myth of you and your partner, and that’s it, and you just do this. And I’ve noticed just by spending time with you—you have a pretty big support system.

Meg: Maddie knows that because she had my baby at her farm all day on Saturday. And she couldn’t do it alone at her farm.

Maddie: I couldn’t!

Meg: She had a husband and a roommate and a box of Chicken in a Bisket. And a dog.

Maddie: So true.

Meg: I think support is the most key thing to talk about. Continue reading Marriage And Early Motherhood Part II

Posted in: Entrepreneurship, Gender & Feminism, Life, Marriage, Meg's Thoughts, Reclaiming Wife | 190 Comments »