Planning

Feb 2012

This week, we've been exploring the idea of "Why a wedding?" Or as is the case today, "Why not a wedding?" Because sometimes, you need a wedding, even when you're courthouse people, to validate your relationship when your country won't legally do the right thing. Sometimes, you need to run off and get married among dinosaur bones to figure out what marriage means anyway. And sometimes, now is just not the time. Today's post is from Sara. Sara invented the term wedding dropout, she fell in love and had a baby, she got engaged, she threw me a book party in Denver. And now she's not getting married right now. Even though she planned a whole wedding in an afternoon. Which is sort of hard. But also sort of funny (God bless Sara). Let's discuss.

APW Book Tour Denver Moodeous Photography (9)

He said NO to a wedding.

I should preface this by saying that I’m not angry by any means. Our lives are all about being practical and taking the time to do things we want the way we want. Unfortunately, that means my amazing spontaneous ideas (PS. I can coordinate a wedding in an afternoon, apparently. No joke.) are really a thing of my single girl past.

I had it all planned. A wedding in a beautiful pavilion in my favorite park with a gourmet food truck reception and frolicking in grass! So fun! And perfect for a family with a eight-month-old crazy crawler. Perfect. I patted myself on the back over this one. I had nailed it. It would be true to our lifestyles, to our budget (less than $1,500) and we’d have so much fun.

But I never took the time to consider or consult that groom guy.

Shit.

Full story: I did email him earlier in the day and say I wanted to get married. I also added a second email saying, “No wedding, let’s just get married.”

I stand by the adage that as a woman I have the right to change my mind as often as I change my clothes. And I did just that between sending him that email at 10am and having the wedding all planned by 4pm.

Now, I have to admit, I have two very close friends getting married in opulent weddings later this year. So maybe, just maybe (a big maybe) I was getting a touch of wedding fever. Or I just wanted to feel pretty, or I wanted to feel special. Sometimes it’s hard to feel special when your baby is spitting in your face and your biggest accomplishment for the day is avoiding a poop disaster during a squirmy diaper change.

And having a family is f*cking awesome, but it’s also sorta exhausting at times. And it takes a lot of work and dedication and sh*t like that. Again, awesome, but with all the work some days, when I go to bed at seven p.m., I don’t feel special, or pretty, or glamorous or anything other than so happy Duncan is asleep so I can sleep.

There it is. Does a wedding actually make you feel pretty and special, or is that just crap I read on the Kn*t back in the day? Continue reading He Said No to a Wedding

Posted in: Planning, The Hard Stuff | 31 Comments »

Feb 2012

How I Came To Grips With My Giant Guest List

I'm so sick of people telling you that the way to have an affordable wedding is to cut down your guest list. I'm actually SO sick of it that I wrote a book to disprove the point. Because if you ask me, Miss Manners was right all along (of course). You figure out the number of people you love who need to be at your wedding, and then you figure out what you can afford to serve them... never the other way around. I'm tired of wedding vendors telling you to cut your guest list to afford their services. I'm tired of people acting like only tiny weddings are cool weddings. I'm tired of people saying that if you want to have an intimate and emotional experience, you can only have a small number of people at your wedding. Because you know what? You should have as many people that you love as you can possibly fit at your wedding. So I'm super thrilled to have Jesse here today, walking you through the nitty gritty of a giant guest list. Guest lists may never get easy, but this will help. (And besides, girlfriend gave up planning her wedding for Lent. That shit is hilarious. We love her.)

If it comes to a choice between X wedding expense, and inviting more people, we invite more people.

Wedding rule number one for Warwick’s and my wedding.

It was decided in one of the first conversations we had about what our wedding should be. Rule number two is “If it doesn’t sound like fun we don’t do it,” which is also a good rule, but this post is about coming to terms with rule number one.

I thought the people first rule was great. I have a huge family, (eighteen first cousins, most of them married at this point, fifteen aunts and uncles, and none that I don’t see regularly and get along with), we have a ton of friends (high school, a super close-knit college family, and every theatre either of us has worked at in the last five years), and a sizable number of family friends. All of these people are special, fabulous, and fun.

About a month after getting engaged I decided to start some solid concrete planning. Step one was to find a venue, and in order to do that I needed a rough guesstimate of the number of guests. I entered in everyone I initially thought of on a spreadsheet (along with how we knew them, and where they were located, since I’m type A like that). I had Warwick add his list, then his mom, then my parents. Finally I went back through and added “and guest” to each person on the list whose significant other wasn’t already included. At the end, I looked at my list and had a panic attack.

374 people.

And this was after I had already talked my mom out of inviting all of her cousins, my great aunts and uncles, and several of her friends who I don’t know as well.

I shut down. This all happened in early Febuary. I announced to Warwick, my family, and my bridesmaids that I was giving up the wedding for Lent. I would not answer any questions about it, I would not be reading any wedding blogs and I would not be dealing with this list. Maybe a slight overreaction, but as it turns out a pretty good one. It gave me a chance and back up and get some perspective.

Forty days later, I reapproached everything with a clearer head. I’m smart, I’m good at making things, I don’t need all the bells and whistles, not all of those people would be able to come; this would be fine. I told everyone involved that none of us were allowed to make any more friends for the next year, and Warwick and I started on a mission to start hooking up friends so that they would be each other’s dates and we could cut some of those “and guest”s. Those last two are mostly meant jokingingly, though not entirely.

Continue reading How I Came To Grips With My Giant Guest List

Posted in: Planning, Planning, Wedding Undergraduates | 126 Comments »

Nov 2011

APW Sanity Pledge & Reverse Sanity Pledge

Tomorrow we're going to talk a bit about the APW Vendor Directory, which has been growing like a (super awesome) weed. In getting that ready, I realized that I’d never taken time out to talk to you guys about the APW Sanity Pledge that all APW advertisers have to take, and why we created it. The APW Sanity pledge is about vendors promising to treat clients like people and not walking dollar signs, and it’s about vendors respecting your wedding for exactly what it is, not what anyone else thinks it should be. But today we decided to kick it up a notch, and I asked Elizabeth of Lowe House Events (along with all of the APW Sponsors) to help us create a Reverse Sanity Pledge, detailing how you guys can continue to change the wedding industry by being awesome clients. And let me be clear, APW-ers are famous for being The Most Awesome Clients, and we want that to continue to flourish.

This week, we've talked a fair amount about the way the Wedding Industry is problematic. We've talked about the pressure to Buy All The Things, and a call from a well known person in the wedding industry for wedding blogs to stop focusing so damn much on The Stuff and instead focus on the reason you have a wedding in the first place: two amazing people joining their lives.

APW was built on the idea that a wedding is two people committing their lives to each other, and it doesn't have to cost a cent (or, a cent over the cost of a marriage license, if that's in the cards for you). But APW was also built on the idea that most of us are spending some money on our wedding, and we should use that money to be conscious consumers. That how we spend our money is more important than how much. That we should use our dollars to be LGBTQ allies. That one of the simplest and most powerful ways we can change the world is by voting with our money.

So. In an effort to help you be the change, we made an APW sanity pledge that every single person who advertises with us has to sign. That means when you use your dollars to book an APW vendor, you're voting for a non-manipulative, affirming, LGTBQ friendly version of the industry. And not only do our advertisers have to sign it, but it's legally binding. So if you flag them as being in violation of the pledge, we can pull their advertising. We're hoping it changes this corner of the wedding industry bit by bit.

All APW-approved vendors, agree that:

... A wedding is an awesome party, but it’s the marriage that really matters.

... It takes two people to get married. It’s not all about the bride (and sometimes there isn’t a bride to begin with).

... We support LGBTQ couples\' right to marry, and we are delighted to work with them.

... We don't charge a premium just because we heard the word "wedding."

... We will be upfront and fair about our pricing. We won't surprise you with a secret fee because you want frosting on the cake, not just the cake.

... You don't have to have cake at your wedding.

... However you decided to tie the knot, we’re on your team.

... Weddings come in all different shapes/sizes/colors/budgets/etc., but as long as you two end up married to each other, it will have been a successful wedding.

****

But I've been thinking about it, and I decided that if APW sponsors are committing to being awesome vendors, it's equally important that APW readers re-commit to continue being the worlds most awesome clients. (Seriously, you guys are absolutely famous for being the best clients in the world of weddings.) So I did some talking with sponsors about the problems they have with (non-APW) clients, as small independent business owners. I was slightly shocked by some of the stories I heard. Because here is the thing: we all know there is a universe of people in the wedding industry that use the word "wedding" as an excuse to behave like total jackasses (that's a technical term, there). But I was scandalized to learn that there are clients who use the word wedding to behave badly. I heard stories from photographers of people cold calling them and saying, "I know you're over-priced because it's a wedding, so I want 75% off." And the photographers thinking, "Lady, I've got to feed my kid this month but thank you." So, I decided it was time for us to come up with a reader pledge, and with help from Lowe House Events, did just that. Continue reading APW Sanity Pledge & Reverse Sanity Pledge

Posted in: Budget, Planning, Planning | 66 Comments »

Oct 2011

Ask Team Practical: Late Wedding RSVPs

with Alyssa

I'm getting married in November. We sent our our invitations in July. Our "RSVP by" date is approaching in mid-late October, and we've only received 10 RSVP cards back out of about the 50 invitations we sent out. Around the time of our RSVP date, we need to give our caterer the final head count so they know how much food to prepare.

This is where I'm concerned. We have a limited budget, and therefore want to know exactly (or as close to exactly as possible) how many people we can expect to feed. I'm worried that a majority of the people we invited will not RSVP (which I find incredibly rude—why did we send the card with the invitation...for sh*ts and giggles?) and simply show up the day of the wedding with huge appetites, clear out the buffet and leave those who were courteous enough to RSVP to go hungry.

Is it not "the done thing" this day and age to send back the RSVP card? Everyone I've talked to so far says that we should assume they're all coming and provide enough food accordingly. I disagree. Why should I shell out more money to pay for food for someone who may not show up? In my opinion, if they want to be fed, they should be polite and RSVP. Everyone seems to think that's just the way it goes, and it would be rude of us not to plan for everyone we invited to turn up. I don't want to police people and start calling asking "Hey, are you coming?" (And I shouldn't have to. After all, it's a wedding I've invited them to, not a public flogging.)

Short of acting like a bouncer during my reception, wielding a megaphone and yelling at people to please drop the lamb chop and back away from the buffet, what is the best way to handle the situation?

Before I get into your question, we need to have a conversation about RSVPs. First some facts. RSVP is an acronym for répondez s'il vous plaît, which is a French expression meaning "respond, if you please." Generally, it was an addendum to an invitation and you'd respond to the person sending the invitation with your acceptance or regret. RSVP on any kind of invitation means that they are requesting a response from the people the invitation is addressed to; either a yes or a no, along with the name of your extra guest if your invitation was addressed to "and Guest." If the invitation says "RSVP, regrets only," they only want a response if you are not coming.

Easy, peasy, rice and cheesy, right?

Nope. That sound you just heard? That was the sound of every single reader who is a current or former bride laughing in scornful frustration.

One of the most irritating things you may have to do as a bride is chase down your RSVPs. The use of response cards have streamlined this process, though etiquette mavens like Miss Manners hate them as they eliminate the need for a personal, hand written note. (Forgive us, M.M., but they make our lives easier, though Meg says she still writes a hand written note, if only in your honor.) However, there are serial non-RSVPers out there. They either always lose the cards, forget to mail them, assume you know they'll be there or think that telling your partner that they're coming is an appropriate response. And, honey, it's not.

Serial non-RSVPers, I get it. I'm married to one of you. You're super busy and things come up and mistakes happen. But there is no good reason for not sending an RSVP. Unless you are ill, dead or on fire, you can send an RSVP. Someone went through a lot to trouble to have teeny little cards printed that matched their invitation suite, buy adorable stamps that color-coordinate and then send it to you so that all you have to do is write your name on it and check a little box next to "yes" or "no". Respect that and send the dang card in. And honestly? Write a note somewhere on that card too, even if it just says, "So excited to see you get hitched!" or "Terribly sad we can't make it." There is something vaguely discouraging about getting a RSVP where "1" is scrawled by number of meals, with no return address, like you're just ordering up a meal in a restaurant. For free. But that's extra credit, not mandatory, and I digress.

The problem is that as busy as you are, so is the couple who sent you the invitation. The reason they sent you an RSVP card is because they don't have the time to send three emails and eight text messages going, "Hey, just checking to see if you're coming???" You already know if you're going by the time the date RSVP date; if you don't, pick up the phone and tell them that. It's not rude at all—things happen and you might not know until two days before the wedding if you can get off of work, find a sitter, etc. But tell the couple that, and let them tell you if they still can include you, or if they just can't. A "maybe" is better than nothing at all, and it lets the couple decide what to do.

Now that I've gotten all the unsolicited chastising out of the way, back to the question. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Late Wedding RSVPs

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, Friends & Relations, Planning, Planning | 161 Comments »

Sep 2011

How A Kayak Changed My Perspective

Since earlier this week we were talking about knowing when to leave a marriage and finding happiness after you do, it only seemed right to dive into second weddings and making peace with your own path. To quote APW's first ever post on Second Weddings, and the excellent Brandi, "This isn't your second wedding, it's your last. Should I have the honor of receiving an invitation, I'll be there with bells on and help you celebrate, however you choose to do so, in the fullest manner possible. You deserve it." And now, let's chat.

I recently wrote a pre-engaged essay all about getting married a second time. It was about how excited I was but also about how disappointed I was because it was all so Complicated. I worried about what people would say, how my kids would react, how I was supposed to feel, how much I was entitled to celebrate and even how my ex-husband would handle everything.

While I waited for my boyfriend to get his ducks in a row, and while he and I talked about Everything (because I still believe if we talk about Everything I can avoid a train wreck of a divorce) I secretly fussed and worried myself into knots over the actual wedding. I was obsessed with that line from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Committed, “How very awkward to stand in front of one’s family and friends (many of whom had been guests at one’s first marriage) and swear solemn vows for life all over again.” She encapsulated everything I was thinking.

Then one day he turned to me and said, “Do you want to go buy kayaks this weekend?” I had told him that I’d rather have a kayak than an engagement ring and I guess he was listening. We saddled up my sons (ten and thirteen) and headed to this amazing shop where you can “test drive” the boats. After four hours of paddling, laughing and swimming when we flipped a boat, we each had a perfect engagement kayak.

Then I went home and deleted my essay on how Complicated everything seemed.

I don’t know what snapped in my head that morning but sometime during those four hours with my new little family everything changed for me. When you make up your own rules you can have anything you want. Everything is appropriate when you are celebrating happiness and love. It all makes sense now. I have already been asked if I can wear white (grrr) and one uncle has already said something dumb about this being my “second time around.” I had been dreading this and was sure I would slink away to city hall if anyone mentioned my first marriage. Silly Girl! It’s looking like this wedding will be a humongous and crazy display of friends and family and love and DIY projects and music and happiness, and I can’t wait.

Picture: by Hart & Sol Photo (APW Sponsors)

Posted in: Engagements & Proposals, Planning, Planning, Wedding Undergraduates | 33 Comments »

Sep 2011

Ask Team Practical: Less Interested Partners and Planning

with Alyssa

I've read all gender-related advice on APW and on progressive wedding blogs, asserting how important it is to plan a wedding for two people and not take the "this is MY day so it's all about ME-ME-ME " attitude. But here's the problem: I feel like my fiancé does not want to be included.

I'm a teacher, so I have convenient work hours. He just started his own business, so he's at the office 24/7, and when he's home he basically just wants to sleep. Plus I'm kind of a Type A control freak, spending my free time choosing over different shades of blue for the reception because, you know, Tiffany blue just ain't the same as turquoise, and I will not be mixing them. So I guess I can understand how he does not feel like doing all of it with me. But I feel like he should want to participate in picking at least some parts of the wedding, like the texts for the ceremony, our first dance, our rings.

I've tried time and time again to include him in these and he listens to me very nicely but it never goes further. We are having what I consider to be a "big" wedding (100 guests) when I wanted a small one (max 30 guests) because he wanted all his family there, which I get, but now I feel like all that matters is to invite x and y and to have a big party. I'm worried that our commitment to each other just does not matter as much to him. So I feel angry, and frustrated, and disappointed. I just would like to feel like I'm not alone and not the only one who cares.

Am I the only bride-to-be feeling that way ? Do you think I should try to talk to him about this again? Or should I just get over myself and just be happy that I've found the love of my life and that we're going to have the best party ever to begin our life together ?

~ Desperate Frenchy

Dear DF,

Let me lay it on you: one partner being more interested in planning is a common problem. (Please note that I'm offering up a strictly American point of view. Your French compatriots in the comments will have to give the Gallic point of view...) Sometimes that can be an indicator of a bigger problem within the relationship, but that's not something APW is at all qualified to discuss. What we will say is that if there are other warning signs within your relationship, I urge you to talk to a counselor and work on your relationship together.

But if lack of interest is just the biggest prevailing problem, let me say this: You need to cut your partner some slack and whip them into shape. Let me explain...

Wedding planning is not a latent talent that suddenly becomes activated the second you get a ring on your finger. If that were the case, a lot of fabulous and amazing wedding planners would be out of a job. It can be a great opportunity for you to use your great taste to throw a kick-a** party, or it can be a herculean task akin to dental work, or a little bit of both. Whatever it is for you, it is a job that is suddenly thrust on your shoulders by society because you're the bride. And if your partner is a groom, society considers his job to be the 3 Ss: Suit up, Show up and Shut up until it's time to say "I do." And do not think that a couple that consists of two brides or two grooms has it any easier; the pressure is often much worse. ("Two girls planning a wedding? That should be SO EASY..." or "Gay men's weddings are ALWAYS so stylish!" Blech.)

My point is that when you're planning your wedding, you need to consider each others' personalities as well as what you want the décor to be. Working towards gender equality does not mean that every decision is made together; it means that the bulk of the work in any one area does not get assigned to a particular partner because of their gender. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Less Interested Partners and Planning

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, Gender & Feminism, Planning, Planning | 92 Comments »