The Ceremony

Oct 2010

Writing a Non-Traditional Wedding Ceremony

In the past few weeks, I've been thinking about how hard it can be to make your wedding service feel meaningful. Last week I wrote about how to take a traditional service and make it something that feels really personal for the two of you. Today I wanted to tackle the same problem from the opposite direction - how do you create a meaningful and truly secular service? Because let's be realistic: it can be effing hard to create a secular service from scratch.

Many of the options for secular services run the gamut from bizarre to generic, with fake wedding industry 'tradition' lurking in the background. You've got the rent-an-officiants that will sing your service like opera (um, maybe you could just say it?). You've got the re-written religious texts that often sound like essays written by a third grader (David and I have a secular version of the Jewish wedding blessings that we like to read out loud for hilarity, that starts with something like, "Nature is good. Everyone loves nature!" Um. Thanks.) And then you've got the Apache Wedding blessing, which was, you know, written by white Hollywood screen writers. (Oops.)

So I decided that it was high time to come up with a bunch of secular wedding resources that don't suck, and that APW-ers were just the people to tackle the project. To start things off, I asked Rachel (DDay in the comments, and you can read her full wedding graduate post right here) to write about creating a totally secular wedding service. (Side note: the picture above is the AMAZING moment of her husband looking at the officiant when she referred to their wedding as a fairytale. Apparently the service ended up being great, but I feel like it's such a great pictorial sum up of how disappointing secular wedding resources can be. And it totally slays me. Also.) Then, I wanted us all to pitch in, in the comments, with the best secular wedding resources we had. I'll cull through them, and we'll put together an APW Secular Wedding Resource. So let's do this thing!

I am always surprised when Meg talks about being accused of being anti-tradition, because of how umm, traditional, her own wedding was. Even though there are aspects of her advice I can relate to, it’s still a wedding I could never have had. And what is her response when we ask for diversified content? “Write it your [damn] self.” So this is meant to balance her recent post about making a traditional ceremony your own. This post is about how we made our ceremony our own, when we didn’t really have a tradition that felt 100% right to us. There are aspects I might tweak if I had it to do over, but it married us, so it was perfect in its way.

Our Context

First of all, I’d like to clarify where we were coming from. We come from families with varying degrees of adherence to Catholic and Presbyterian faiths, but my husband and I are not religious. And by that I don’t mean, “well we’re sort of [insert denomination] but don’t go to church or anything.” We don’t believe in god, period. I don’t even like the words atheist or non-believer, because it makes me feel like I’m deficient in some way. But this is just to provide some context; nothing in what I’ve said or am about to say is intended to be any kind of judgment on those who do have faith and follow a religion, or have faith but don’t necessarily follow a religion, or don’t have faith but still plan to include biblical or other religious aspects in their ceremonies.

I’d also like to say that YES, the obvious has been pointed out to me, that as far from religious as we tried to make our ceremony, the shell of it comes directly from Christian roots. Yes, you can groom a dog to look like a panda, but it’s still a dog. (I’m not sure if that metaphor works but I'm excited about the excuse to share that link) Continue reading Writing a Non-Traditional Wedding Ceremony

Posted in: How To, The Ceremony | 147 Comments »

Sep 2010

Making A Traditional Service Your Own

Periodically on APW, someone accuses me of being anti-tradition, and I get really sad. I talk about how we have a church weddings section. I talk about how we have a lot of brides wearing white. I talk about how I make sure there are posts supporting whatever choices you want to make, wherever they are on the spectrum.

Then I always point out that no matter how indie our wedding looked (the hip look was partially just good photographers, partially the fact that I wore a short dress), our wedding service was very traditional. We had *the* traditional Jewish service, with lots of Hebrew, lots of God-talk, the seven blessings in their original form, the traditional vows in Hebrew, the works. When you ask our wedding guests, they will describe the service as "very traditional," but most of them also describe it as "very emotional." People seem to see those things as diametrically opposed, so what gives?

I started to see the real answer when I was talking about this with Danae in the comments. She said:

"You think APW is pro-tradition because your definition of “traditional” is something along the lines of “we thought a lot about it and decided that we wanted to echo the centuries-old tradition of our cultures and beliefs,” and when someone else defines “traditional,” they mean, “we did what everyone expected us to do."

And I was like, "OH! Right! Of course that's what I think traditional means! Of course!" and then "Oh my god, that's not what everyone else means when they say traditional? I didn't get that."

So. I thought maybe it was time to have a chat about having a really traditional ceremony (because that feels right to you) and rocking the hell out of it (because, of course!)

So first of all: traditional ceremonies do not have to be boring. Period. We need to just wipe that idea off of the face of the earth. I've seen so many brides approach planning their service by saying, "Well, it's traditional, so you know it's going to be boring and there is nothing I can do." Whenever I hear that I want to grab said bride's shoulders and shake her, and say something like, "You want a traditional service because that's part of who you are, right? So stop belittling yourself, and start seeing your amazing self-worth. Who you are is awesome. And if having a traditional ceremony is part of who you are, your traditional ceremony is going to be AWESOME." Or, in short, there is no quicker way to make a ceremony boring than to have the bride and groom think it's boring. That sort of prophecy is always self-fulfilling.

So, how do you approach a traditional wedding service and make it something that you feel like you can live inside? Continue reading Making A Traditional Service Your Own

Posted in: Ask Meg, Manifestos, Meg's Thoughts, The Ceremony, Tradition, Weddings | 168 Comments »

Jul 2010

As Long As We Both Shall Live

Earlier this week, a bit of a discussion broke out in the comments about wedding vows. A reader said:

Has anyone else wondered whether the statistics on divorce mean that it simply doesn’t make sense to use the bloodcurdling bits of marriage vows, like ’til death do us part’ or ‘as long as we both shall live’? If one only has a 60% chance of making it,* it seems almost like perjuring yourself from the beginning.

And let's just say it's been the kind of week that has made me think about this comment. A lot.

Now, I'm not very traditional on most things wedding related, but I am traditional on a few. I'll encourage you to take a honeymoon of some sort right after the wedding (you'll need it!), try to get laid on your wedding night (you deserve it!), and not get married until you are 110% sure that you want to stay with this person till the day you die. Now, that doesn't mean that I think divorce should never be an option; as my Rabbi pointed out in our pre-marital counseling, "Sometimes divorce is a mitzvah." But I think that if you're not sure that this is the person you want to grow old with - well, you should slow down until you are sure. Which is part of the reason that I have so much respect for women who called off their weddings, and were brave enough to tell the tale.

To me, the part of the wedding where you promise to stay with this person until you die - that is the most beautiful part. It's not shiny and fun, and no matter how many rose petals you dump on it, it's not pretty. But it is beautiful, in a gut wrenching and real kind of way. It's why I think so many of us end up feeling wrecked and overwhelmed as we walk back down the asile. It's why the wedding ceremony is so damn huge.

Which brings me back to this week. This week friends of ours had a baby. This week, I talked to a bunch of other friends about pregnancy, new motherhood, and conception - about being wives and women and mothers - the big stuff. This week, I found out the husband of a friend was battling Leukemia. No, let me correct that, the husband of a smart, wise, strong, funny, amazing friend was battling Leukemia. Which makes you want to throw things at walls and scream. Or pray. Or both, alternating. They are young, they have been married only a few years, and now this? F*CK. Continue reading As Long As We Both Shall Live

Posted in: Manifestos, Marriage, Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts, Reclaiming Wife, The Ceremony, The Hard Stuff, Weddings | 171 Comments »

Jul 2010

Classic APW – Words To Read When You Wed: Ashes, Tea

As I've reprised Amanda's Words To Read When You Wed seires (Part I, Part II, now with Cara's amazing photographs), I've been purposely vague about which of these readings we used in our wedding. But I will tell you that we used Craig Arnold's poem from today's selection. It was a fraught choice, and people were very confused as to why we'd have a poem about death at our wedding. But it was what we wanted to say. Not just that we loved each other, but as my Dad finally said, "Weddings are about death. That's the whole point." So we did. And it was the right choice.

And then, when I started re-running Amanda's amazing wedding readings, I got an email from a reader. She told me I could share a bit with you:

"It would mean so much if you and Amanda reprised the Craig Arnold poem you put up last February. Craig was a wonderful friend and poet who died tragically and unexpectedly in an accident last year. He was so excited when I pointed out that his work was presented as a potential reading for weddings on your site. It thrilled him to his sweet, fun, funny core that his words might guest star in such important moments in like-minded peoples' lives. He told everyone for days about how excited the idea of 'being a reading' made him."

So this post is for those who loved him. Craig got to 'be a reading' at our wedding last August, and we could not have been happier to have him there. Thank you, for letting us borrow him, if only for a few very present, very important moments of our lives.

For “sickness,” for “poorer,” for “dust” and “until.”

EPITAPH FOR HIS PARENTS

-- Ben Franklin

Josiah Franklin and Abiah his wife
lie here interred.
They lived lovingly together in wedlock fifty-five years;
and without an estate or any gainful employment,
with God's blessing,
maintained a large family comfortably;
and brought up thirteen children and seven grandchildren
reputably.
From this instance, reader,
be encouraged to diligence in thy calling, by constant labour,
and honest industry, and distrust not Providence.
He was a pious and prudent man,
she a discreet and virtuous woman.
Their youngest son,
in filial regard to their memory,
places this stone.

LIVING WITH IT

--Craig Arnold

It is nothing that they did
Or could have helped, two people
Falling in love. Not even
Because they shared a toothbrush,
Once. It is their germs
Getting acquainted.
For weeks
They take turns being sick
--one makes the tea, the other
answers the phone. Slowly,
they can’t tell better from worse.
This goes on
Until one dies. Continue reading Classic APW – Words To Read When You Wed: Ashes, Tea

Posted in: The Ceremony, The Hard Stuff | 33 Comments »

Jun 2010

Classic APW – Words To Read When You Wed: Olives, Leaves

Today we continue down our meandering path of discussing ceremonies (because, yup, it's that time of year). This is Amanda of First Milk's second set of modern wedding readings (see Part I), now part of the Classic APW pantheon. This selection bends towards the classics (actual, not APW related). It ends with a passage that lights up my face, one Amanda selected without having any idea that I loved it so much I'd used it in a performance piece when I was just 21. So I give you images, readings, magical synergy. Amanda, take it away...

Gifts and ornaments, wishes, grins. For giving, for keeping, for sending off, raising high.

From THE ODYSSEY
--Homer, Translation by Robert Fitzgerald

There is our pact and pledge, our secret sign,
Built into that bed—my handiwork
And no one else’s!
An old trunk of olive
Grew like a pillar on the building plot,
And I laid out our bedroom round that tree,
Lined up the stone walls, built the walls and roof,
Gave it a doorway and smooth-fitting doors.
Then I lopped off the silver leaves and branches,
Hewed and shaped that stump from the roots up
Into a bedpost, drilled it, let it serve a model for the rest. I planed them all,
Inlaid them all with silver, gold and ivory,
And stretched a bed between—a pliant web
Of oxhide thongs died crimson.

There’s our sign!

From EPITHIMALION
--Edmund Spenser

And ye high heavens, the temple of the gods,
In which a thousand torches flaming bright
Doe burne that to us wretched earthly clods,
In dreadful darknesse lend desired light;
And all ye powers which in the same remayne
More than we men can fayne,
Poure out your blessing on us plenteously,
And happy influence upon us raine,
That we may raise a large posterity,
Which from the earth, which they may long possesse,
With lasting happinesse,
Up to your haughty palaces may mount,
And for the guerdon of theyr glorious merit
May heavily tabernacles there inherit,
Of blessed Saints for to increase the count.
So let us rest, sweet love, in hope of this,
And cease till then our timely joyes to sing,
The woods no more us answer, nor our eccho ring.

Song made in lieu of many ornaments,
With which m love should duly have bene dect,
Which cutting off through hasty accidents,
Ye would not stay your dew time to expect,
But promist both to recompens,
Be unto her a goodly ornament,
And for short time an endlesse moniment.

From ANNA KARENINA
--Leo Tolstoy

There was only anticipation—fear and joy of the new and the unknown. And in a few moments now, the anticipation and the unknown, the remorse and the renunciation of her old life—everything would come to an end, a new life would begin…
Turning again to the lectern, the priest with some difficulty picked up Kitty’s little ring, and, asking Levin for his hand, put it on the top of his finger. “With this ring I wed thee, Konstantin, servant of God, to the servant of God, Katherine.” And putting the big ring on Kitty’s slender, rosy finger, pathetic in its weakness, the priest repeated the same words.
Several times Levin and Kitty tried to guess what they had to do, and every time they were wrong and the priest corrected them in a whisper. At last, having done what was necessary, he again made the sign of the cross over them with the rings and again gave the large ring to Kitty and the little one to Levin, again they got confused and twice passed the rings backward and forward without getting it right.
Dolly, Chirikov, and Koznyshev came forward to help them. The result was more confusion, whispering, and smiles, but the touchingly solemn expression on the faces of the young couple did not change; on the contrary, while mixed up over their hands, they looked more serious and solemn than before, and the smile with which Oblonksy whispered to them to put on their rings involuntarily died on his lips. He could not help feeling that any kind of smile would hurt them.

From LEAVES OF GRASS
--Walt Whitman Continue reading Classic APW – Words To Read When You Wed: Olives, Leaves

Posted in: The Ceremony | 16 Comments »

Jun 2010

How A Wedding (Can, Maybe) Shape A Marriage

I've been pondering the question that reader Julianna asked quite a while ago, on this Reclaiming Wife post:

How, if at all, did your wedding day shape what came after? How did your wedding feed your marriage?

I'm not sure I fully know the answer, but I have some hints and whispers floating around my mind that I thought I'd share. And then, really, I want to know what the answer is for everyone else - how did your weddings feed your marriage? Or did they?

Yesterday, those hints and whispers became a little louder, thanks to Amanda. She, um, made me blush a little, talking about her Words To Read When You Wed series. She said, "I had the great honor of hearing a smattering of these pieces read at Meg's own wedding. Full and lovely wishes, words uttered beneath the sun. I may or may not have cried two times." And that suddenly made things clear. Our wedding day, that one beautiful and full day in August, under the unseasonably warm summer sun, was a day for speaking dreams and hopes and commitment, and day for promises and present-ness. A crystal clear moment of honesty, which seems as good a foundation for a lifetime as there can be.

In our program, I wrote this about our huppah, and I think the same could be said about our wedding day:

The huppah is raised, for most of us, once in a lifetime. It is not permanent, but it is the promise of a home. Friends and family stand and the corners, helping to anchor the fragile structure down, the roof is a tallit so the couple is covered in holiness and the memory of commandments. The huppah does not promise that love or hope or pledges will keep out weather or catastrophe, but its few lines are a sketch for what might be. The flimsiness of the huppah reminds us that the only thing that is real about a home is the people in it who love and choose to be a family. The huppah is the house of promises. It is the home of hope.

Married life is wonderful, but complicated. Continue reading How A Wedding (Can, Maybe) Shape A Marriage

Posted in: Ask Meg, Life, Marriage, Meg's Thoughts, The Ceremony, The Day Itself, Weddings | 106 Comments »