Tradition

Aug 2011

Ask Team Practical: A Wedding or an Elopement?

It's Friday, and Alyssa has the week off (What? Yes. You get time off as a blogger). So today's Ask Team Practical is really an Ask Meg, and we're tackling the debate of whether to have a wedding or elope.

My guy and I have been together for five years and have been through a handful of tough situations and tough conversations, and we're both moving toward the idea of getting hitched and being married to each other. We're working together to make our relationship a safe haven—a place where we can grow together and as individuals—something that will last for the long haul. It has been its own strange and awkward and rewarding journey, and I'm looking forward to continuing to grow our relationship and really explore marriage and what that means.

I've had a couple of years to think about what our wedding would look and sound and feel like. And after all of my fantasizing about weddings, after reading APW wedding graduate posts, going to weddings as a guest, thinking about money (or the lack thereof), and so on and so forth... I don't want a wedding. I just want to be married. Is that odd? But my guy wants a wedding. He wants our families and friends to get together and party with us, to rent a cabin in the woods and fish and have bonfires and drink home-brewed beer with people we love. It sounds great, and I'd love to do those things with some friends sometime, but I have no interest in the social politics nor the traditions nor the philosophical implications of A Wedding. We're not religious, nor traditionalists. We're broke. Our people are scattered all over the US. I don't get along very well with much of my family, but my mother would expect that I invite them. I'm shy, and I don't want something as emotional and intense as my wedding vows to be said in front of a bunch of people, especially if they include random distant cousins that show up and if friends bring their dates-du-jour, you know? The idea of all that planning—the food, the music, the dress—sounds totally overwhelming and not at all like something I want to do. So: do I try to convince him that eloping is the best idea ever, or do I try to make a wedding work? How the heck do I deal with this?

Not Scared To Hitch But No Party Please

Dear NSTHBNPP,

Of course the real answer to your question is that there is no answer, other than the one you and your guy come to after lots of conversation. But. Our job is to help you think things through, so let's break it down into helpful pieces:

What Is A Wedding?

There are a million reasons to get hitched, no matter how you choose to celebrate it (courthouse or forest bash). Here are some of the reasons that I think are the most compelling:

It is, to paraphrase Wedding Graduate Luis, the only time we get to have so many people we love gathered in one place, until the last party that's thrown for anyone (and we won't remember that one).
It is a time-tested way to combine two families and build a brand new family. Think of it as ritualized fighting. The difficult and painful parts of this life transition are going to happen anyway, so you might as well give everyone a time-tested and well understood way to do it.
It's a way to solemnize your relationship in the presence of witnesses (you have to have at least two), or your community.
It's a way to mark the passage of time. What is tradition other than a way to say, I was here, I lived, I participated? (For more wise thoughts on tradition, may I direct you to Wedding Graduate and theologian Clare?)
It's a way to participate in something bigger than you. And by "bigger than you" I don't mean "God" so much as I mean "the human race."

Those are the reasons I find weddings compelling, whether they are comprised of bonfires and home brewed beers in the woods, or simple courthouse ceremonies with two witnesses. The trick is to figure out which of those things are compelling for you, then to build your wedding from there. Which brings us to...

What do you want out of your wedding?

The next thing you need to do (after laying on your back, staring at the stars, and pondering the why of weddings) is talk to your partner. Why does he want a backwoods bash? Why do you want a teeny elopement (please be specific with your answers).

Here is what I've got. Neither one of you should allow yourself to be forced into a wedding that doesn't fit with who you are. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: A Wedding or an Elopement?

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, Planning, Planning, Tradition | 154 Comments »

Jul 2011

1924 Vintage Wedding: Emily & Richard

Way back when I started APW (it's funny that 2008 seems so long ago now), one of my goals was to prove, once and for all, that simple weddings were traditional. Or, in other words, to prove that all this nonsense about but-you-have-to-have-it-it's-tradition, was just that: nonsense. And then I wrote a whole book about that very same subject, which you all will get to read come January.

So I'm beside myself with glee to share Emily's, of Emily Takes Photos, Great-Grandmother Emily's wedding from 1924. First, let's all swoon over her grey wedding dress and her adorable hat and flowers. And then, let's chortle with delight over how simple their invitations were:

Indeed. Simple and traditional and proper. And yes, you caught that. At the bottom of the invitation it indicates that the reception will be, "At Home." Traditional indeed.

But the best part of all of this? The newspaper announcement, that starts with, "Simplicity will characterize the wedding this morning of Miss Emily Mon..." it continues, "A luncheon at the Mon home will follow the service at the church. This will be simple in keeping with the charming dignity of the wedding..."

And don't even get me started on, "The two young matrons of honor at today's ceremony were also recent brides. In their early girlhood, Miss Mon, Mrs. Dietze and Mrs. Nicolaides agreed to serve as bridesmaids or matrons of honor for each other and this morning the romantic contract is fulfilled in its entirety." I know. Anne of Green Gables and I will be over here with the smelling salts, trying to pull ourselves together.

Posted in: Tradition | 48 Comments »

Jun 2011

Ask Team Practical: Wedding Toasts

with Alyssa

It's Ask Team Practical Friday with Alyssa! Hooray! Today we're chatting about wedding toasts: how to structure them for your own wedding, and how to write them if you're in the wedding party. We also snuck in a bunch of the best/worst/funniest toast moments the APW staff has witnessed (we're not saying who's seen what, least we have to go into witness protection), for your Friday enjoyment. So here we go. Wedding toasts, informative and entertaining:

"I have to write an MOH toast for a wedding and I've searched your archives for guidance - but I came up short. Am I missing something?"

Nope. We haven't really had anything about the nuts and bolts of toasts. UNTIL NOW. (You have to imagine that last sentence in the movie trailer guy's voice. It's much more dramatic.) Let's look at this from both sides.

I'm the bride/groom. Shower me with love and adulation!

Decide if you WANT wedding toasts.
If you do, decide who you want to give them. Anyone can give a speech, so don't let Great-Aunt Lois tell you that your sister can't give a speech because she isn't in the wedding party. On the other hand, don't pick people because they're "soooo funny!" If you want "so funny," hire a damn clown. Speeches can be entertaining, but it shouldn't be a prerequisite. The prerequisite should be that these people are important to you.
Feel Free to buck the traditional toasting cast. Traditionally, the father of the bride, best man and then maid of honor all give toasts, with the groom giving the final one as a thank you to the guests and wedding party. (According to Wikipedia, which means it HAS to be true!) Riiiighhhht. So mostly men speak. Yeah. Clearly that's not playing with the APW crowd. The only reason I mention this is because these are the people who probably think they have to give a speech. Talk to them early so they aren't blindsided if you don't want one, and know what your plans are if you do.
Talk to the people you love and make sure they are okay with giving a toast. Meg gave this advice, "We emailed the people we'd like to give toasts, and told them that if they wanted to give a toast to email us back. That took some of the pressure off, and allowed only the people who really wanted to say something to speak. And while part of us wishes everyone had decided to speak, the people who did pretty much made the wedding for us." Think of it this way: what's worse? Not having a toast from your stepfather or having to watch him struggle through a speech that he obviously doesn't want to give?
Once you ask them to give a speech, back off. Seriously, let them do their thing and don't bug them about what they're gonna say. If you can't trust them, you probably shouldn't ask them.
Think carefully about having open mic wedding toasts. That sounds like a really good idea till it's gone on for 45 minutes, and someone gets up and says, "I don't know the bride that well, but..." Really? You don't know the bride that well? Sit your ass down! (True story.) There are advantages to just picking people you do know well, letting them talk, and then getting on to shaking your ass, not sitting on it.
Sit back and enjoy it. You might never again hear the normally reserved people in your life say such openly adoring things. So pay attention.

Wedding Party: Crap, I already have to wear a damn dress and now you want a SPEECH?

A wedding toast is meant to be given in someone's honor, a way for you to say a few words in celebration of the happy couple and to show your love and admiration for them. If the very idea of this fills you with dread, don't do it. There's no rule that you have to do a toast. If you just can't, be honest about it and let the bride or groom know that it's not that you don't love them, you just cannot stand up in front of 100 people and speak. Do not let them bully/flatter you into it if you absolutely cannot give a speech. Explain that you're mortally fearful, and then write them a loving letter instead (they can keep that forever, which is its own kind of beautiful.)

But if you're going to do it, let's talk about how. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Wedding Toasts

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, The Day Itself, Tradition | 103 Comments »

Feb 2011

Ask Team Practical: Father-Daughter Dance

Alyssa is back with Ask Team Practical Fridays, and today we're tackling the father-daughter dance. This was an interesting subject to tackle. Alyssa had a father-daughter-dance and it meant a lot to her. I didn't even consider having a father-daughter-dance (though we had a family dance, more on that to come), because like a lot of complicated gender issues, it made me super uncomfortable. So, I can tell you that, hands down, this has been the most debated and most talked over Ask Team Practical column ever. And I'm happy with what we came up with. So lets dive in.

Today we have the following question from Amanda:

I am planning my wedding for next October, and have started thinking about which traditions I wanted to incorporate into our ceremony and reception. One thing I am really struggling with is the Father-Daughter dance. On the one hand, I can see how that tradition could be very important to my dad. On the other hand, I find the tradition to be a little creepy, and I can think of about a million other things I would rather do with those 3 minutes. It seems like a vestige of the system of fathers' ownership of their daughters, with the dance being the last exercise of dominance (I am also leaning towards having both my parents walking me down the aisle instead of just my dad for the same reason). I was wondering if anyone over at Team Practical knew anything about the history of the father-daughter dance? Do you have any recommendations on how to have this conversation with my dad?

Well, Amanda, I did some preliminary searching for you, but I couldn't find any concrete evidence that the father-daughter dance has any real basis as an exercise in dominance. I could search further, but I'll let you do that if you're truly interested in its roots. (Plus, ten bucks says some savvy reader will give us an answer, possibly with links.) But let's discuss tradition for a second.

In the end, does the history of a tradition matter? Walking a bride down the aisle definitely has its root in ownership and dominance, but sometimes a tradition is a tradition because a lot of people started doing it all the time. Even if there are sinister roots, there comes a point when something doesn't hold its original meaning anymore, when that's not what people think of when it occurs. There comes a point when we can grab a hold of a tradition and say, "F*ck it, this is OURS and it means whatever the hell I say it means." For example, if you pay attention to what a tradition originally meant and assume that it still holds that meaning, wouldn't both your parents walking you down the aisle mean that you're contributing to the notion that they both own you and are handing you over? Maybe, but that's clearly not what's happening at your wedding. You are asking your parents to take you on a final walk before you head into the next part of your journey as an adult, right?

So it's possible for the father-daughter dance be just that: a tradition that may or may not have roots in sexism, but is now a chance for you to have a brief public moment with your father. I can guarantee that none of your guests would think, "Ah. He doesn't own her anymore, now her husband does," as you dance with your father to "Wind Beneath My Wings." (And anyone who does has deeper issues and should be ignored.)

But the problem is that YOU may well think of that as you dance with your father, or heck, you might just not be comfortable with that (Meg wasn't, she requests that you don't get her started on the subject.) You're already having both your parents walk you down the aisle, so there is no reason for you to force the issue with a father-daughter dance. That makes it seem simple, which it isn't always. And you know that, so that's why you're writing to Team Practical.

Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Father-Daughter Dance

Posted in: Ask Meg, Gender & Feminism, Tradition | 208 Comments »

Oct 2010

Ask Team Practical: Thank You Notes with their Own Anniversary Date

with Alyssa

It's Friday, so you know what that means! It's Ask Team Practical day with Alyssa. Last week she wrote about sober weddings, because she wanted to start out with a softball, and 'what was there to debate?' Almost 300 comments later, I think I owe her a bottle of Bourbon. Today she's doing thank you notes, and we'll see if that proves to be explosive or not. And she thought this job was going to be easy! Ha! Today's question is from Maddie, who I'm awfully fond of. You'll remember her from her lazy & cheap wedding. And now, Alyssa:

Here is Maddie's question:

So I have a confession to make. I am really REALLY *REALLY* bad at writing thank-you notes and it's now officially past the one year mark since our wedding without having sent them. On the one hand I am wrecked with guilt because I know I'm supposed to send them out. On the other hand, I've gone out of my way to personally thank those few people who really helped us out to make our day special and am feeling a little less bad.

But those guys who came to our wedding, celebrated, and bought us a gift have nothing to show for it and I'm not sure what to do. Is it too late to send them? Can I even AFFORD 150 thank-yous with postage? I need your ever wise advice so that I can not feel like a total jerk every time I see my Nana (not that it's not deserved).

What do I do?

Yes m’am, you do have to write them.

And I’m gonna refute every reason you have for not writing them until you do. **

But Alyssa, it’s been a year and I feel silly!

Well yeah, I get that. But there is no statute of limitations on thank you’s. If you were grateful then, you’re still grateful now and they deserve to hear that.

But I wasn’t grateful for the [BLANK].

But you’re appreciative of the gesture, and that’s what you’re thanking them for. Even if the gift is still sitting in your closet.

But I’m NOT appreciative of the gesture; I didn’t want a gift in the first place!

Don’t make me call your mother.

But the cost to get cards and mail 150 invites is a lot.

Nope. 150 stamps are $66.00 and you can get a 50 pack of vaguely cute thank you cards from Target for like $9.99, which bring you to a grand total of $95.97.

I bet your bouquet at the wedding cost more than that.

It did not.

Hush, sweetie, I’m making a point. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Thank You Notes with their Own Anniversary Date

Posted in: Ask Team Practical, Planning, Planning, Tradition | 276 Comments »

Oct 2010

Secular Ceremony Round-Up

In the past few weeks, I wrote a piece about finding a way to make a traditional wedding service personal, and Rachel (DDay, in the comments) wrote a piece about crafting a non-traditional service. After that post, we asked you to contribute your best tips and tricks on secular and/or non-traditional services. Today Rachel is back, summing at all up, and trying to create a Secular Wedding Resource for all of us.

After those posts, Kristina of Lovely Morning and 100 Layer Cake wrote me a really lovely and spontaneous email about their secular wedding service. She called it, "one of my very favorite parts of the entire day, complete with hummingbirds chasing each other in the flowers as the sun was going down," and expressed her wish that everyone get to have that experience. So today we take a shot at that. Because when we collectively pull up our chairs around you before you say your vows, we're there for you. We want the purest expression of who you are: religious, non-religious, traditional, non-traditional. We want to "one of the lucky ones who stood in the middle of nowhere, right next to neverland, and witnessed the declaration of real love." So let us join you there. And with that, I bring you Rachel (with some notes from me):

A little while back, Meg wrote about “traditional” ceremonies, and then I wrote about “non-traditional” ceremonies. I think we could just call them religious and secular, because traditional doesn’t really cover it, since we all may define the term differently. My wedding was secular, but was not without tradition. But I think if we can get away from semantics, we can get down to what’s important - creating meaningful wedding ceremonies, no matter what your background is. With that, the following is my attempt to sum up all the great advice offered in the comments, for a proper Secular Wedding Resource.

THE best piece of advice I saw in the comments was from Caitlin, who said, among other smart things, “Before you write a ceremony from scratch, I think you need to figure out what you believe about marriage fundamentally. That has to be your foundation...” And that really resonated with me because honestly, I think we sort of figured that out as we went along, and some of our struggle with finding the right pieces to put together might have been avoided if we had sat down first and really thought about how we define marriage and what it means to us. We did that, sort of, but maybe not with exactly that sense of purpose.

Once you have that foundation, I think we can all agree that the main thing is to find a great officiant. And “great officiant” can mean many things - if you’re a great writer, you don’t need an officiant to be a great writer, you need an officiant who is a good public speaker and will let you write the ceremony yourself. If writing is not your bag and you have no clue what to do, that’s when you need an experienced officiant to guide you. Something I think is universally applicable: the person who performs your ceremony should be a person you trust to do what you’ve asked them to do (whether they are a hired officiant or a friend/family member); someone who is fully on board with the type of ceremony you want, who will guide you and help you stay present through the service; and someone who will not take this opportunity to promote their own agenda to your captive audience.

And in that spirit, here is my list of the very best tips and tricks given in the comments: Continue reading Secular Ceremony Round-Up

Posted in: Ask Meg, The Ceremony, Tradition | 144 Comments »