APW Book Club

Nov 2011

Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman: The Discussion

I’ve never been more glad of an APW book club pick. Why? Not because Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman is the funniest book I’ve read all year (it is), not because I want to pick Ms. Moran’s brain for all of it’s hilarious wisdom and this book was the closest I can get to it (and I do), but because up until Saturday’s book club meeting, I had no idea that we needed to reclaim the word Feminist. Wife, definitely. But Feminist? I thought we were all down with that. And by “we” I mean, readers of APW. Because I consider what we’re doing at APW to be just base-level feminism. We’re talking about women’s lives and women’s choices. We’re empowering each other to make better choices, and we’re making sure that we we all know, on a really deep emotional level, that we have lots of choices. We’re talking about how you can be an empowered woman who chooses to save sex till marriage, or an empowered woman in a polyamorous marriage. We’re talking about the politics of name changing. We’re reclaiming what our weddings can look like and what our marriages are. We’re people, with vaginas, who think we deserve options and rights. We wear pants (or not), vote (or not, but I hope we vote), and work (or not) as we’re so inclined. We’re, you know, Feminists. This is such a base line assumption of who I am and the work we do here, that I never even thought it was an issue.

So I picked How To Be A Woman, a witty romp through modern feminism, as the book club choice and showed up on Saturday ready to go. And then we started to talk about this quote:

We need to reclaim the word “feminism.” We need the word ‘feminism’ back real bad. When statistics come in saying that only 29 percent of American women would describe themselves as feminists—and only 42 precent of British women—I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What part of “liberation for women” is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? “Vogue,” by Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just DRUNK AT THE TIME OF SURVEY?

And someone suggested that everyone who considered themselves a feminist raise their hand. I already knew via Twitter that in New York City,”Someone just asked who here was a feminist. Everyone raised their hand!” So I thought I knew what to expect. Well, most people raised their hands (not quite everyone).

Then someone said, “Actually, how many of you considered yourselves feminists before you read the book?” Which I thought was a silly question. Duh. These are APW readers we’re talking about. Feminists. And I swear to god, only about a third of circle raised their hands. This is my face when APW Advertising Manager Emily explained that until this book she didn’t consider herself a feminist:

Then I started fanning myself in mild panic. Robin, sitting next to me whispered, “Changing lives! Changing lives! This is good!” And then I managed to ask, “What about the book made you guys change your mind? Was it the jokes?” Everyone told me it was the simple way Caitlin Moran explained it: Vagina + Equal Rights = Feminist. Though I still suspect that the jokes didn’t hurt. (Funny ladies unite!)

But to be clear, I think there is a fundamentally important reason that women (And, um, men. Marry feminists, ladies!) consider themselves feminists. It’s part of all pulling on the same oar instead of cutting each other apart (something women are far too good at). It’s letting ourselves civilly disagree, while still being on the same page about centuries of repression and how we really need to keep working with past generations to turn the ship of womanhood towards fairness for all of us. (Says the woman who was asked if she would be “bored being a housewife” when she left her corporate job to work full time as a writer. Don’t tell me sexism no longer exists.) It’s the whole point of APW, as summed up by Ms. Moran:

For women, finding a sympathetic, non-judgmental arena is just as important as getting the right to vote. We needed not just the right legislation, but the right atmosphere, too, before we can finally start to found our canons—then, eventually, cities and empires.

And to illustrate my point, let’s dive into the major issues discussed at the San Francisco Book Club: Having Kids. Or not having kids. Continue reading Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman: The Discussion

Posted in: APW Book Club, Events | 319 Comments »

Nov 2011

How To Be A Woman—APW Book Club Meetups

{San Francisco book club, by Emily of Emily Takes Photos}

This weekend, we met up all over the world to discuss Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman. Tomorrow I’m going to tell you more about what I thought about the book, what the San Francisco meet-up made me ponder, and have a full online discussion about all of it. But this morning, what I will tell you is that I was stunned/amazed/thrilled/horrified/delighted about how many of you really grappled with the word Feminism and owned it, or began to own it. Sometimes I forget that not everyone identified as a Strident Feminist starting in the fourth grade, earning the ire of their very conservative fourth grade counterparts. So I forget, that with Feminism being largely out of the public discourse in the last… (holy crap, twenty years? Who else remembers 1992 as the Year of The Woman? I was vigorously making Year of The Woman collages for my seventh grade projects, upsetting my teachers, like a good Strident Feminist growing up in conservative poverty)… we need to discuss it more than ever. Because it’s that discussion that keeps us moving forward. So hats off to you Caitlin Moran, for making us laugh, making us think, making us get together, and yes, making us drink a few beers. We’ll be back tomorrow with much more, but till then, a few of the 30 worldwide meetups:

New York

{New York book club, by Shaelyn}

The New Yorkers met up at a wine bar to discuss Moran’s book. Shaelyn had this to say about their meeting:

Our group universally enjoyed the book and was excited to discuss it. Early in the afternoon, one of the attendees asked, point blank, who at the table identified themselves as a feminist. Every hand shot into the air, and we erupted into laughter. I found it refreshing at a time when I often have to convince my female friends that they are, indeed, feminists, that we had a table full of the self-identified. Most of us had called ourselves feminists for a long time, but the book has encouraged some of us to say it louder and prouder in our daily interactions—even if we sometimes would need to veil it in Moran’s genius that’s-rather-uncivil technique.

We talked a lot about the different phases of our lives we had moved through, and how being a (budding) woman as a teenager felt different than it did now, as adults. Most of us felt that we failed, daily, at “being a woman,” on some level, but that it was okay. A lot of this conversation drifted towards weddings, and how their importance has changed as couples marry later, as more people pay for their own weddings, and as women’s roles have changed and continue to evolve. We felt that, on a personal level, weddings were women’s faults, but that we also had to consider the greater forces at work—those forces that kept women from doing much worth talking about for millennia.

Boston

{Boston book club, by Kelly of Kelly Benvenuto Photography}

Lauren Writes:

When Kelly started taking pictures of the wine bottles in my kitchen, one of the Boston ladies said to a newcomer: “Meg called Boston ’wholesome’ after the first book club, and we’ve never been accused of that again.” The group spent at least a half hour mingling before we got our act together and circled up for book club, which was almost the best part—just meeting other amazing women who happen to live in the same town has been an incredible result of these gatherings. This time, there were over twenty of us crowded into my living and dining room.

When we talked about how many of us identified with Moran’s teenage years, someone asked “Was anyone here cool in high school?” Two people raised their hands—one said “I was cool for like half of sophomore year?” and the other said “I was really cool in my group of theatre geeks!” which we all agreed did not count. One woman raised an interesting point that maybe everyone finds the group they belong in all through life, in the way that people from The Kn*t are all getting together, which is why we all feel that we had a similar experience growing up.

The six-month-pregnant mother of our first APW baby spoke candidly about the fear and exhilaration that comes with an unexpected pregnancy (she had an IUD!?!?!) and bravely shared that abortion was a discussion topic when she and her husband found out. We spent a long time discussing the stigma against married women having abortions, and the Grey’s Antomy episode that recently featured a married woman who did not want kids choosing to have an abortion. We talked about wanting kids, and not wanting them, and what the means for our futures (good and bad).

I think our basic motto around feminism was summed up with this quote: “Everybody should do what they want, as long as it makes them happy. Except, like, murderers.”

Toronto

{Not taken in Toronto! by Emily of Emily Takes Photos}

Chantelle wrote to us from Toronto:

Yummy food, great cider and beer, loud inspired conversation, overall a fun time was had by all. We probably unsettled the other diners with our loud discussions on pubic hair, porn, great books, underwear choices, career decisions, fertility and masturbation. We actually thought that it would be quite an achievement for APW, if, as a result of this gathering of women across the world, a group of us came together (pun not intended) and decided to start creating good female-centric porn. We ended off the night sharing a board of local artisanal chocolates and swapping info so we could share more resources on cool stuff that came up during the night… including a job offer of sorts between members so that a wedding ceremony can get translated from English into Italian while still retaining its gender inclusive feminist tone.

AMAZING book choice!

Benelux, Antwerp Train Station

{Benelux book club at the Antwerp Train Station, by Amanda of Poppies and Ice Cream}

Amanda and Fiona met in the Antwerp train station. Amanda wrote:

What we found the most relevant was how the book is inciting women to reclaim the word feminism and fight for it again. We discussed, how in my case, having a Mexican background, I would be scared to align myself as a feminist because of fear of all those negative connotations. Even though of course I was clearly spoiled with all the benefits of feminism and probably took things for granted. Sure I was always interested in reading about girls in history, Simone de Beauvoire, etc., but I would not say it out loud. Fiona is an anthropologist and she took classes on gender, so she would always consider herself one, though it was still a shock to see those figures, mentioned in the book

Washington, D.C.

{Washington, D.C. book club, by Jenn}

D.C.’s book club had favors. Which. Is. Awesome. And according to Jenn, they also had way too many margaritas and a great discussion:

We discussed the book more than in previous book clubs, which was fun and different. People seemed on the whole to have really enjoyed the book (even the parts they didn’t understand due to amazing British slang.) We talked about whether we thought men bothered with the same “Am I a good woman?” questions women seem to perpetuate, and found we actually had a lot of disagreement on the issue. We did agree that the definition of “a good man” is changing rapidly, and thought they probably lack the same forum for discussion that women have. We also agreed that the subtlety of women, particularly when it comes to clothes/fashion/appearance, is our own fault, but we couldn’t decide whether the “solution” is to drop down to the level of the average man or to bring the men up to our level of “misery.”

When we got to the idea of weddings, we all kind of wondered whether Caitlin Moran has ever actually been to a fun wedding. Maybe we should invite her to an APW wedding, just to change her mind.

We talked a lot about the abortion chapter of the book, and a couple of people shared some personal stories which were beautiful and touching, and completely supported the idea that women can only benefit from bringing this topic out of taboo and into the open. We then lightened it up a little bit by passing out the party favors Christine had brought—tampons.

Los Angeles

{Los Angeles book club, by Jessica of Jessica Schilling Photography}

Katie (that’s her in the yellow sweater!) said of the LA book club (which, by the way, featured red velvet pancakes):

On the subject of not being good at being a woman: we all acknowledged the social pressures around traditionally women’s activities (householding, child rearing, social planning) and women’s images (bronzed, buffed, beribboned – especially in LA). One of us remarked that with the shifting of women’s roles, a complementary shifting of men’s roles is also required. If women can feel that they are failing at being women, it is no less true that men can feel they are failing at being men. And perhaps men aren’t given the same breathing room to discuss the implications for them of taking on more in the home, planning our weddings hand in hand with us, not being the sole or primary breadwinner, and basically meeting their partners halfway.

On “having some sexism at you:” several of us at the meetup work in male-dominated fields, and we all really loved the graceful and less inflammatory suggestion of saying that a sexist act or remark is not polite. It seems like a way to acknowledge that you’ve been wronged without getting anyone’s hackles up or getting dismissed out of hand. There were some scary stories in the group of women being passed over for work, being asked to bring coffee, and in general being given a hard time.

There was a difference of opinion in the group about the specific word “feminist.” Some among us thought that the word is so politicized it immediately provokes an “Us vs. Them” framework. Others agreed with Moran in her analysis: “a) Do you have a vagina? And b) Do you want to be in charge of it? If you answered, “yes” to both, then congratulations! You are a feminist.” The word just means wanting equal rights for women, not at the expense of men in some zero-sum paradigm, but just because we’re human and otherwise, it’s not polite. (See above.) I acknowledge the issue is complex, but it makes me so sad that only 29% of American women will identify as a feminist. That’s no kind of base for moving forward!

San Francisco

{San Francisco book club, by Emily of Emily Takes Photos}

San Francisco was too cool to send us a book club recap, though oddly it was HUGE (what’s up forty ladies showing up and not one emailing in a roundup! Next time!). But this Twitter conversation did happen between APW sponsors Elizabeth of Lowe House Events and Emily of Emily Takes Photos (Featured above. Pay close attention to what she’s wearing.):

Elizabeth: Emily dressed like the book. The group was so big we kept splitting into sub-groups. Beer was drunk, fun was had. Vaginas.

Emily: I dressed like the author. Next time I’ll dress like the book. (Probably not).

Virtual Meetup

{Virtual book club, Screengrabs proviced by Zan}

The virtual book club of not-so-centrally-located APW readers was a success, with Zan saying:

Representatives of Rural Living (Idaho, North Dakota, Vermont and Upstate New York) decided to convene a virtual book club via Google+. However, because we are an inclusive bunch we also had Rachelle of Houston (arguable not rural) joining the fun. It was a rollicking success, a good time had by all and the technology fully cooperated with us. Our significant others—in this case all males—hummed around in the background but declined to participate in Book Club. The Cowboy’s only comment on the book was, “Well, but isn’t this stuff we already know?” Right on Feminist Husband, right on.

And if you want more of the APW magic, go browse the pictures in the APW Flickr stream. And we’ll be back tomorrow to really dig in…

This post includes Sponsors, who are a key part of supporting APW. For more information, see our Directory pages for Emily Takes Photos, Low House Events, and Jessica Schilling Photography.

Posted in: APW Book Club, Events | 69 Comments »

Nov 2011

APW Book Club Questions: Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman

THE BOOK CLUB WEEKEND IS FINALLY HERE. Antwerp Train Station, you don’t even know what’s about to hit you (more worldwide location information here). In case you missed it, like you could have possibly missed it, we’re discussing Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman. APW Advertising Manager Emily, who kind of specializes in never finishing APW book club picks on time, just described the book as, “Women have boobs! And hair! And pressures! Jokes!” Which frankly is as good a synopsis as any. So, if you haven’t finished the book, you should come anyway, because I pretty much guarantee the best discussion ever.

So! It’s time to provide a list of discussion questions for you to pretend to pay attention to, until you veer off into a discussion of patriarchy, and what beer you should have, and if you can keep your career thriving and have a baby if you want to have a baby, and what it’s really like to be a woman (all of which would mean you’ve done Ms. Moran proud). But until that happens, let’s start with some questions. Some of these are crowd sourced, lots of them are, frankly, from me. And kicker! There is a never before disclosed joke about APW history buried in the questions, and it’s a good one, so I suggest you read the questions carefully.

Caitlin Moran feels that she’s not good at being a woman, that she’s “doing it wrong.” Do you feel that way? Does everyone? Do men? Did Ad Men invent that feeling to sell beauty products? Are women self-perpetuating that feeling by holding each other to some unspoken standard that expects me to be super-feminist-career-lady, fashionista, and domestic goddess all in the same week? What kind of insidious plot is this?!
Caitlin Moran says: “These days, sexism is a bit like Meryl Streep, in a new film: sometimes you don’t recognize it straightaway…. Very often, a woman can have left a party, caught the bus home, washed her face, got into bed, read 20 minutes of The Female Eunuch and put the light out before she puts the light back on again, sits bold upright and shouts, ‘Hang on—I’VE JUST HAD SOME SEXISM AT ME. THAT WAS SOME SEXISM! WHEN THAT MAN CALLED ME “SUGAR TITS”—THAT WAS SEXISM, AND NOT JUST AN HONEST MISPRONUNCIATION OF THE NAME “ANDREA.”‘” Have you had some sexism lately? Please discuss.
“Weddings are our fault, ladies. Every aspect of their pantechnicon of awfulness happened on our watch. And you know what? Not only have we let humanity down, but we’ve let ourselves down, too.” While arguably blaming people for things isn’t helpful, sometimes getting to the root of why things are the way they are is, in fact, helpful. Did we do weddings to ourselves? Or did capitalism take them over, making us extra crazy? What is up with weddings? Discuss.
Moran says, “We need to reclaim the word ‘feminism.’ We need the word ‘feminism’ back real bad. When statistics come in saying that only 29 percent of American women would describe themselves as feminists—and only 42 precent of British women—I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What part of ‘liberation for women’ is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? ‘Vogue,’ by Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just DRUNK AT THE TIME OF SURVEY?” Now, as someone who started a section of her website called Reclaiming Wife (Fact: the real subtitle of Reclaiming Wife was always supposed to be, “Because Wife Is The New Cunt,” but I just never got up the nerve to put it on the internet) I am peculiarly obsessed with reclaiming terms that have the ability to do us good as women. Why? Because I think the way we use language actually affects our day to day reality. So, given that, why do you think only 29% of American women (sob) identify as feminists? What on earth can we do to change that? Why is it still important?
After Caitlin Moran discusses why you should have kids, she discusses why you shouldn’t have kids. I found this passage particularly compelling, “When people ask working women, ‘When are you going to have a baby?’ what they’re really asking is, ‘When are you going to leave?’” Do you think there is a way for women to have babies and not stop making things (as Ms. Moran rather awesomely demonstrates with this book). What sort of change would we need to make this more possible?
The getting drunk with Lady Gaga story. Ok. I know this isn’t technically a question, but I still think you should discuss it.
Moran tells a lot of stories from the “broke years.” She was giving interviews as a celebrity in a house that had no electricity. It’s a good reminder that fame does not necessarily indicate wealth. Do we ignore the reality of the lives of celebs? It’s easy to judge a topless reality star in a hot tub, or a stripper, or a porn actress, but are we overlooking the complexity of the person when we ignore their motivations? Are we demonizing and dehumanizing those we don’t approve of, if we pretend they don’t have bills to pay? What about Moran’s ignorance about paying her taxes? She seemed woefully unprepared to handle her own finances. Did you feel this same way at the age of 20? Do you feel like you’re knowledgeable enough to make good financial decisions now? Do you think men are better prepared than women or do we all make the same mistakes?
In the postscript, we have this kicker, “I want CHOICE. I want VARIETY. I want MORE. I want WOMEN. I want women to have more of the world, not just because it would be fairer, but because it would be better. More exciting. Reordered. Reinvented.” What things made by women have you seen recently that you loved? What things made by women have you seen lately that you hated? What would you like to see more of?

Have fun ladies. Stay safe. Get tipsy.

And when you’re done, please email a quick paragraph on your bookclub meetup to Maddie at maddie at apracticalwedding dot com. And upload pictures into the APW Flickr pool, pretty pretty please. Don’t make Maddie track you down. Which she will do. But that’s less time she can spend cuddling her dog, and you wouldn’t do that to a girl, would you? So email her by Sunday night, lovelies.

Smooches,
Meg

Picture: when I bought an exceedingly large number of Caitlin Moran books at Heathrow, they inexplicably made me buy a chocolate bar for each book, so I could get each book for half off. I think the clerk vastly misunderstood the concept of buy-one-get-one-free, but there we are.

Posted in: APW Book Club, Events | 36 Comments »

Nov 2011

APW Book Club Locations

Ladies,

It’s that time again. It is APW book club weekend! I know it’s not possible that you have missed me blathering on about how we are going to read MY NEW FAVORITE BOOK EVER How To Be A Woman, by Caitlin Moran, but early responses from APW-ers show that my enthusiasm is not misplaced. So! Details!

(I know, right? You just saw that spreadsheet and kind of got dizzy. I mean, a meetup in the Antwerp Train Station? Just… whoa. Ok, focusing.) Most meetups are happening all over the world on Saturday, November 5th at 1pm. (Check your city for your particular time.) APW editor Maddie has compiled a list of book club locations and contact people. Please click the above image (twice!) to see it nice and big, and see exactly where your local meetup is being held. If you have any questions go to Facebook for more information and find your city’s meet-up thread. The APW staff will be making a strong showing in San Francisco, and I will be there with way too much to say about this book. Drinking. Obviously.

Now! Just like always, we’re going to crowd source some book club questions to kick off discussion and break the ice. Throw the questions you want to discuss in the comment area. Just questions though, no discussion! I’ll post a list of questions on Friday, and we’ll follow up next week with lots of online discussion for those of you who can’t make it to the book clubs.

And! After the book club, please post pictures in APW’s Flickr pool, and email Maddie at maddie at apracticalwedding dot com notes on what happens. I swear to you, we never get tired of seeing your faces, and cows, and sex club shopping trips, and sparkles.

I can’t wait. This is seriously going to be SO MUCH FUN.

The End,

Meg

Posted in: APW Book Club, Events | 53 Comments »

Oct 2011

APW Book Club… Is Soon!

Ladies (And Gents?),

As you know we’re reading the excellent How To Be A Woman for the next APW book club pick. The boozy meetups are almost upon us, and they will be happening in just under two weeks on Saturday November 5th. So! If your book club hasn’t picked a location and a planning point person, now is that time to do that. Since Facebook, in its infinite wisdom (grumble, grumble), is destroying discussion pages, we’ve exported all of our discussions to an APW Facebook Forum, so you can continue scheming there.

So get planning! Next week we’ll be back with a roundup of the worldwide meetup locations.

Smooches,

Meg

Posted in: APW Book Club, Events | 5 Comments »

Oct 2011

APW Book Club: How To Be A Woman, Dates!

The votes, are in! The next APW book club will take place on Saturday November 5th, 1pm. (This time is a suggestion. It can be adjusted as your individual club sees fit.)

In case you missed it, we’ll be reading Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman. I swore up and down to you all that it was a book that was written for you, that it was hilarious, feminist, and honest, and you’d love it. LOVE IT. I swore it was the best APW book club pick yet. I swore it was worth getting shipped from the UK. And thus far on Twitter, you guys have backed me up. (If you’ve started reading, feel free to tell other APW-ers that they should, in fact, read it in the comments.) You guys? This meet-up is going to be epic and boozy.

So! Organizational details: local meet-ups will be organized through the APW Facebook discussion page. I started threads for cities that often have meet-ups, but if you don’t see your city please start a thread. (Don’t just slouch around the comments wondering if you should start a thread. You should.) Once we get closer to November 5th, we’ll give the official locations and book club point persons, as well as brainstorm discussion questions. So head over here and start talking about things like time, place, what you’ll wear, and drinks. You know, the important stuff. And San Francisco, I’ll totally see you at this meet-up. I expect a full turnout, with sparkles. This is worth it. And if you can’t attend a meet-up, don’t worry. We’ll be back discussing it online the week after, as soon as we sober up.

Posted in: APW Book Club, Events | 37 Comments »