LGBTQ Weddings

Jan 2012

Why My Queer Marriage Needed a Wedding (Even Though We’re Courthouse People)

One of the questions I've been asked with some regularity on the book tour is a variation of the question, "Why weddings?" or "Why marriages?" There actually are layers upon layers of questions here: Why do we view marriages (and worse, engagements) as more culturally valid than anything else? And "Why a wedding?" can mean "Why a party?" or "Why the cultural monstrosity manipulatively pushed on us by the wedding industry?" When asked, I always answer that there are different reasons for everyone, and at APW we're just trying to explore those answers. So I'm particularly pleased by the answer in today's post from Laurel. Let's dive in.

At one point, during the eight months my partner and I spent talking about whether we were going to have a wedding—after the even longer process of deciding that we were in it for the long haul and might consider getting married at all—she said, “But we’re courthouse people.” It’s true. We come from a long line of courthouse people. There were six people at her parents’ wedding, a number which includes the two of them and which is one fewer than at my parents’ only because they successfully kept their own parents from attending. (My dad’s parents crashed their wedding from 1500 miles away with a suitcase full of lobster bisque and sachertorte, but that’s another story for another day.) When my aunt decided to get married, she called me on a Monday and asked if I’d drive up to Reno with her on Wednesday and witness her marriage. (In the end she got married at the Oakland courthouse; there were eight people there, making it the second largest wedding in either of our immediate families.) In our unique, and somehow shared, family culture, it made perfect sense for my mother to ask if she was invited to our wedding.

So yes, we're courthouse people. We decided we wanted the socially and culturally privileged position of marriage; even in our queerish ultra-progressive semi-radical cultural niche, people treat marriages and partnerships differently.* We saw friends get married and the way their families and complete strangers immediately understood that their relationships were now Important and Meaningful. We saw the huge outpouring of love and support our friends got when they decided to get married. It certainly makes a difference in how our families understand our relationship. There’s just one wrinkle: we’re both women.

We considered getting married in Iowa, where my parents live, but it felt unsatisfying. We’d be asking people to treat our relationship differently because we signed a piece of paper that had no legal effect where we lived. Even with a license, all it takes is one car accident in a conservative town and a nurse with something to prove, and I won’t be able to see her in the hospital. If we have kids and one of us stays home, we can’t contribute to that person’s retirement funds or personal savings without worrying about whether we’d need to pay gift tax. The license doesn’t change that.

Plus, I’ve spent a lot of time arguing that it’s not the license that makes the marriage. I believe it. Why, for my own marriage, would I make all my decisions around the license?

Continue reading Why My Queer Marriage Needed a Wedding (Even Though We’re Courthouse People)

Posted in: LGBTQ Weddings, Wedding Undergraduates | 32 Comments »

Jan 2012

Leah & Mark: Wow Wedding Contest

I have a deep love of people who are willing to look at the way the world works, see something they don't like, and change it. Making change, and making things happen is really hard, so I adore the people who will just look at a problem, and say, "Whatever. I'm doing this thing." Leah and Mark photography out of Atlanta are totally two of those people. In fact, this post came about because, when I emailed Mark about suddenly really needing to plan an Atlanta book tour stop, he said, "Give me an hour," and then, "Ok. I'll plan it." I mean who does that? Awesome people, that's who.

So, in exchange for that enormous favor, I wanted to post about a huge project Leah and Mark are working on. Basically, they wanted to produce a giveaway of a wedding, for a deserving couple. They told me, "We know that there are many people out there who are unable to have a wedding for many varied reasons. Now although we can’t possibly help everyone – we can help someone – and a few months ago we decided that we would give two people in love a full Wedding." So they partnered with 11Alive, their local NBC affiliate to make it happen. But the thing is, all the other mainstream ON TV wedding giveaways were for straight people only. And Leah and Mark knew that had to change. So, they made it happen. In fact, they said, "We had also approached Georgia's largest bridal show to be a part of this, except we had to turn them away when they wanted it explicitly stated in the contract that we would not accept same-sex couples from entering. Aw f*ck that." F*ck that indeed. So, "We went and found our own vendors that wanted to work with us. We didn't specifically target 'gay friendly' businesses because this wedding is more about supporting all marriage. Period. Straight. Gay. Awesome. Whatever. And yes—we know we’re in Georgia and we know the laws about marriage, but we’re doing this anyway. (Heck—only about a month ago could we FINALLY buy alcohol on Sunday in this state.)" So they partnered with Wedding Day Hooray, the indie wedding fair helping to throw the APW Book Tour in Atlanta, along with Equally Wed, the awesome same sex wedding magazine, to make this happen.

So! First, just YES. All of us need to be doing this work every single day, if you ask me. Second of all. What do you need to do to enter? Ok! Details:

The contest is limited to people living in the Atlanta area because everything happens within the span of three months, so they need you THERE and available.
Enter at 11Alive, and read all the details there. (Note: This contest is not being run by APW!)
Read even more about it at LeahandMark.com

And. Think about what you can do in your day to day life to be an LGBTQ ally. Yeah, you're probably not going to throw a massive free wedding, but I guarantee you that you can do something.

Posted in: LGBTQ Weddings, Thoughts & Action, Uncategorized | 15 Comments »

Sep 2011

Wordless Wedding: Aaron & Cory

* Aaron (web developer) & Cory (programmer) * Photographer: Fedorov Foto (APW Sponsor) * Soundtrack for reading: Somewhere Over The Rainbow, on strings * A Yay New York wedding *

The Sponsors—Planning, Queen of All: Lowe House Events (SF) / Sponsor Manager & Photographer: Emily Takes Photos (SF) / Venue: 320 Studios / Graphic Design: AndKathleen / Photography: Fedorov Foto (NYC) / Planning & Logistics: Lowbrow Events (New England), The Handmade Event (NYC) / General Helpers: Amber, Lauren / Printing: Yes Press (SF) / Officiant: Cheerleader for Love / Piñata: Confetti System / Cake: Hart & Sol Photography / Popsicles: LaNewYorkina / Wine: Monogamy & PromisQous / DJ: Whitney Day

What happened: After our wedding in New York, it is hard to believe that we could ever plan a wedding on our own. From the photography to the wedding cake to the crazy dance party, it's hard to imagine how we could have pulled it all off. People we had never met until arriving in New York went out of their way, volunteering their time and effort, in order to make our wedding the best it could ever be. We're extremely fortunate to have a supportive family and lots of volunteers that seemed to be just as excited as we were to be tying the knot. Our officiant was very helpful, communicative and supportive, making sure we were comfortable with the ceremony. The entire time, Elizabeth and Meg were making sure everyone, including our family, was as happy as possible.

Later that evening we arrived to the Yay New York party and soon realized that my brother had donated a beautiful ice sculpture for the party. Shortly after we got there, readers of A Practical Wedding began to arrive and congratulate us. This was a little surreal, but very encouraging as the night went on. Here we had total strangers who were so excited that we could publicly recognize our love for each other. As the night went on and many glasses of delicious Monogamy Wine later, we danced, went into the photobooth multiple times and busted open the pinata filled with glitter. It didn't quite sink in until we got back home to Chicago and opened up all the congratulations cards from all the readers, sobbing as we read each one aloud to each other.

Once again, we'd like to thank everyone who made our wedding such a success. You'll all be part of our lives for many years to come.

Posted in: Events, LGBTQ Weddings, Parties, Wedding Graduates, Wordless Weddings | 22 Comments »

Sep 2011

Wedding (Half) Grads: Leanne & Anne

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: Leanne and Anne's wedding (half) graduate post. The ladies (as we've taken to calling them around these parts), are getting married in just three weeks in Philadelphia, and they'll come back with the end of the story then. But for now, they talk about the personal and political nature of Yay New York, what it felt like, what they learned, and what they have to say to you, the APW community. You might want to get out your tissues. But what I have to say to Leanne and Anne is simple: thank you for trusting us. They took a leap of blind faith; we told them the wedding would be amazing, they just had to show up. Not many people would put such an important moment in our hands like that, but they did, and I'm still overwhelmed by the honor. Photos are by the amazing calin + bisous photo (APW Sponsor) out of Boston, who along with her husband Alessandro, outdid herself. Enjoy.

Now that we’re into our first whole week of married life, we’ve had a chance to reflect on what we are calling our first wedding, but which many of you know as Yay New York! Our experience of this day has been so hard to put into words because it was such a multilayered day. Emotions, politics, family, legalities, rings, community, confetti, logistics, history, promises, and the love that we have for each other and felt from every person in that room and every person who was following along on APW were all layered up on top of each other like that beautiful, delicious cake that was made with such care for us by a person we’d never met. This has been very difficult for us to write, but we are going to try to sum up our experience for you.

Our day started off rocky. Our bus from Philadelphia to New York was late due to a turnpike accident, and while we waited we were drenched in a torrential downpour. Our suitcases, including our fancy wedding clothes were soaked, and so were we as we sat on a freezing cold bus for the two hour drive to New York.

We were anxious to be starting our wedding day late and soggy, but we made it to our hotel with just enough time to take a hot shower and blow dry our clothes. (Our weekend didn’t end any more glamorously, as we were run out of town by Irene who ended the mini-moon early with evacuations and public transportation shut downs instead of a nice dinner and a Broadway show.) When we arrived at 320 Studios with our families, it was a whirlwind of activity—flowers, cameras, people who were familiar and strangers all at once, piñatas, string trios, cake, aisles to walk down, excited family, introductions, rainy day light streaming through the windows, marriage licenses to sign. It was all so much to take in, and it still is.

I don’t think that the impact of last Thursday really hit us until it was over, and it sinks in a bit more each day. Now that the excitement has settled, we are starting to appreciate the scope of what happened. We had a general sense of the forecast and what to expect—walk down an aisle, say a vow, exchange some rings, and you’re married! That’s it! People have been married for centuries, weddings happen every day. But this was no typical wedding. We had no hand in planning it—we’ve been talking over every detail of our Philly wedding. We had no idea how beautiful the space would be, that we’d walk down an aisle hand in hand while a string trio played, what it would be like to see Anne’s mom happily ring bells as we were pronounced married by our officiant—these were all surprises for us however well planned and thought out they were by those carrying them out.

Our wedding was atypical, too, because we were going to be married not once, like most people aim to do, but twice! Last Thursday was our first wedding in New York to make it legal, and on September 25th we’ll have our second wedding in Philadelphia with our families to seal it with love. We knew that our New York wedding would have a major impact on us because of the legal contract we’d be entering with each other. It had an impact because rather than it being a private event shared with just our closest friends and families, we were experiencing it in the moment with all of you. But the biggest impact of what we did was that we made history—our own personal history, APW history, New York history, and gay rights history.

To be married in New York was exciting and deeply satisfying in a way we didn’t anticipate. Our legal wedding has brought with it a profound sense of gratitude and gravity. At the same time, however, it left us feeling a little hollow because we know that the commitment we made to each other last week is not honored throughout our country, nor in our home state. We live two short hours away from New York, but here in Pennsylvania we’re a lot farther away from marriage equality.

Continue reading Wedding (Half) Grads: Leanne & Anne

Posted in: Events, LGBTQ Weddings, Parties, Wedding Graduates | 32 Comments »

Jul 2011

Wedding Graduates: Meighan & Christina, Part II

And now, part two of the story, this time told from Meighan's perspective (she's the stunning red head of the duo).

Mostly when I think about the wedding, it's with a sense of jaw-dropping gratitude. Complete strangers, friends and family all rallied to help make our wedding possible. Yes, a lot of things went "wrong," and there's still a teeny part of me that's bummed that my wedding didn't look how I wanted it to. But that part is a tiny unpopped kernel of sad in the marvelously abundant vat of happy kettlecorn that was our wedding. (In other news, clearly I need to hit up a state fair, if my cravings are making my metaphors this bad.) So yes, the wedding didn't look how I wanted, but it felt how I wanted. I can remember the exact moment I let go of things being perfect, and while it was sadly about a quarter of the way through the reception, it felt amazing. I walked away from having, er, strong words with the caterer, grabbed a glass of champagne, slung an arm around my new wife's waist, and let myself enjoy the love of everybody there. And it was gorgeous.

I was talking to my soon-to-be-married BFF yesterday, and she's having trouble letting other people contribute to or do things for her wedding. I told her, "If I can share nothing else about this whole experience: Let people be nice to you." One, because you need it, and two, because people will be insanely amazing if you let them. It was kind of a revelation to me how very much people wanted to help us. Christina's aunt (who used to do window displays for a department store) helped us make some gorgeous centerpieces and fixed my bouquet when I was about to throw it against the wall in frustration. My college little sis came up early from South Carolina and acted as "Decoratrix," making sure the decorations were put out and making them look better than I ever could have. Everyone wanted to help, even awesome bloggers who I asked for advice. (True story, we found our first photographer on APW, but after our engagement shoot, she became really flaky and eventually stopped returning communication altogether. So, we were less than four months from the wedding, with no photographer and less our deposit, since we couldn't even find her to ask for it back. When I emailed to Ask Alyssa for advice, Meg stepped in and used her magical interweb powers to contact some incredible photographers on our behalf. When we got an email from Kelly Prizel saying she was available, no lie, I made a noise so full of squee that only dogs could hear it. And our photos turned out better than I could ever have hoped for, just because nice people want to do nice things.) I still have some what-is-this-I-don't-even-know moments when I think about how beautiful people were to us, and then I get kind of overwhelmed and verklempt by gratitude and I have to go lie down or something. Continue reading Wedding Graduates: Meighan & Christina, Part II

Posted in: LGBTQ Weddings, Wedding Graduates | 37 Comments »

Jul 2011

Wedding Graduates: Christina & Meighan, Part I

Today's wedding graduate post is from two long time APW readers, and it comes in two parts. The first part is from Christina (the brunette in the lace dress). It deals with profound issues like: figuring out you want to get married in the first place; realizing you're worthy of all of it; pretty dresses; a party; receiving the love of your community. It's a must-read for all of us, wedding planning or not, as we struggle through owning our fabulous selves. Add to that, the wedding was shot by APW sponsor Kelly Prizel Photography (more on that in Meighan's Part II) and is shockingly lovely. And now, Christina:

I struggled for a long, long time with the idea of getting married. Actually, that’s not true. I always figured I would get married eventually; I just never thought it would be to a woman. And then I fell in love with one.

And without realizing it, she set about wrecking all of the preconceived notions and bullshit I had built up about myself. We moved in to a fourth floor walk-up in the city and six months later, we had lived to tell the tale, so we talked about weddings. I didn’t see the need. My family thought of us as married, gay marriage wasn’t government sanctioned, and weddings are expensive. My work considered us domestic partners, we had joint checking and a lease, and we were partners, set, done. We would continue on as we were until federal law recognized all marriages, then we’d have a fabulous wedding. We already had two anniversaries (long story), why add a third? What’s the point?

The point was that it made a difference to her. Unbeknownst to me, she had been looking at rings and was testing the waters about popping the question. That talk was long and awkward and emotional and we left it with our relationship in good standing, but I needed to think about us and our relationship and if (not when) I was ready, to propose.

So, I thought about it for a good six months. And then we went ring shopping. And then I proposed, and then we started talking about weddings. And I got uncomfortable very quickly. It took me a long time to figure out why I had this resistance to having a big party with all of the trimmings of a wedding, but when I did, it was kind of life changing. When it boiled down to it, I couldn’t help but feel that because our partnership was different because we were two chicks, somehow we were not as good or deserving as all the straight couples. That because we didn’t have the blessings of the federal government to file joint taxes, because there was this big debate, because people felt the need to label gay marriage as shameful and wrong, we were somehow “less than” everybody else. When I realized that my negative voices were an internalization of homophobia as spewed by the RNC and Fox News, I put my should-monster to rest. Mostly.

Shopping for my wedding dress was another life-changing experience. I know that sounds ludicrous, but it’s true. I’ve been at war with myself about my body since I was 13. That’s 17 years of self-destruction, including times where I yelled at myself for not loving myself more. When dress shopping came around, I didn’t want to think about how I wanted to look because in the end, I knew I’d look fat. So who cares? Buy the polyester satin off the shoulder dress with side ruching. Whatever. Done.

But I kept looking at this one picture I found of a lace mermaid dress and wanting it. Even after an unfortunate trip to New York to be filmed for Say Yes to the Dress with the fiancée, bridesmaids and both sets of parents.* I put down a deposit on a dress that looked fine, showed the pictures to friends and was kind of excited. But I still found myself stroking the picture of that other dress, talking about it with Meigh and wishing I wasn’t such a giant heifer and could wear it.

I kept telling myself that because I was so fat, ugly, unfortunate, etc… the dress I wanted wouldn’t look good on me. And then I tried it on. And I liked it. And I realized that I didn’t have to be 80 pounds lighter, 3 inches taller, smarter, more articulate, etc… to have what I wanted. I could just be me. I felt something uncurl inside me when I let myself have it. Continue reading Wedding Graduates: Christina & Meighan, Part I

Posted in: LGBTQ Weddings, Wedding Graduates | 119 Comments »

LGBTQ Weddings

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