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APW Happy Hour!

We’re here! Friday open thread. For me, this week lives in my mind in a string of pictures: taking the baby to his first wedding, my first Mother’s Day, and our first APW shoot in almost a year. (I’m not pregnant any more! I don’t have a teeny tiny baby! I can work a long intense day on location!) The week was a work full of business stuff, good and stressful, but it included a work day like this, so I consider myself lucky as hell:

Meg Keene

(That magic coming to the blog soon.)

How was your week? It’s your open thread! Hop on it!

xo

Meg

Highlights of APW this week

Being Black, Feminist, Throughly Girly, and Conflicted.” On sorting out symbols and why they matter during wedding planning.

My manafesta (as a commenter called it) on women and work. This is a big one.

It Stands Alone.” What a wedding can mean, even when the marriage is disolved. This re-framed weddings for me, and I write about them for a living.

Rachel on the modern reality of planning a wedding far from friends and family (movie montages be damned).

Photo taken by Natalie at belle-flower

On the rare occasion I tune into Say Yes to the Dress or Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids, I find myself scratching my head. I know reality TV isn’t real, but there is a small detail on these shows that I actually find more odd than anything else: the pushy mothers-in-law and the picky bridesmaids. I’m confused by them—and not by their behavior, but their very presence. Every time I see one of these shows, I find myself thinking, “Who are these women who have all of their bridesmaids and their mothers in the same place at the same time?! And how do all their friends know each other so well!?!”

The Myth of the Montage

The idea that our friends and family will be with us through the planning process is an accepted part of the cultural narrative of weddings. In movies or on TV, you see brides surrounded by bridesmaids, mothers, and mothers-in-law at dress fittings, cake tastings, appointments with the florist, showers, and bachelorette parties. (The sort-of-but-actually-not-all-that-funny joke is that they are more involved than the groom.) For me, the traditional wedding exists mainly as a montage (one that typically includes really over-the-top hair). In reality, wedding planning unfolds across a longer time period, and, for many of us, across a much longer distance.

Eric and I live in Houston. My family is in Michigan and his family is in Kansas. We’re getting married in Austin. I have two bridesmaids in Chicago, one in DC, and a bridesman in LA. None of them know each other. While I wish we lived closer to all the people we care about, I know there’s no way to really make that happen and I’ve accepted it. And since I don’t buy wedding planning as THE HAPPIEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE™ I didn’t think being alone while wedding planning would be different than being alone any other time. But…it is different.

The Wedding Dress Selfie

When I started thinking about wedding dresses, I wasn’t sure if my grandma would make my dress, or if I’d buy something. At the very least, I wanted to get some ideas of what I liked and what looked good on me sooner rather than later, but I didn’t have anyone to go with me. My friend (and bridesmaid) Julia was going through the same thing on the East Coast. We shared our feelings of, “Um, should I be embarrassed about this?” over IM one day, and together made the decision that we should each just go alone.

My whole experience shopping for a dress was very business-like, particularly after I stopped fucking around in ball gowns and went to try on the one dress I was seriously considering buying. There were no tears or champagne or even much excitement; my whole reaction was just…”Yep.” As in, “Yep, that’s the dress I wanted to try on,” and, “Yep, I like it as much as I thought I would. Yep—it’s for me. Yep, that’s all I needed, I’ll be in touch when I’m ready to order.” I took a coworker I’m close to (his wife is a costume designer so he knows and appreciates fashion) and we had lunch afterward. It was a perfectly nice, “Yep, we just ran an errand and now I’m hungry for lunch,” but not the, “Eeee we just went and looked at wedding dresses!” kind of lunch I would have had if any of my bridal party or family members could have been there. I don’t mind shopping alone, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was the one time when you aren’t supposed to go shopping alone. Continue reading Rachel: Going the Distance

It’s that time. It’s May, which is usually the time that those of you getting married in the summer or the fall realize that, Holy Hell, this wedding is about to happen, and it’s time to lock down all the little things on your to-do list. I started this post with the intention of reminding you that as you’re scrambling to find a hair or makeup person that you suddenly realized you want to hire, or a florist, or a baker, or a musician, or a day-of coordinator, or the officiant you have yet to nail down, or… you name it, the APW vendor directory is here for you, with its awesome vendors who believe in this site and what it stands for, who believe in you, and who want to bring their magic to your wedding.

But as I was putting this post together, I dug back in the archives to four years ago, to see what I was going through at this particular juncture. I knew I was in the weeds of the details: buying booze, figuring out makeup, figuring out timing and setup. (We’ve got a lot of that covered now in our How To section, because I have straight up tried to create the resources that I wished I had at the time.) But what I found in the archives was actually terror. May, four years ago, I was wondering what our wedding meant, and what marriage meant, and if I could have a wedding that reflected who we were, a wedding that would be a symbol of a marriage that reflects who we are. That post, and the one about my worries around makeup and feminism are good reads (and talk about emotions I’d forgotten). And four years later, living in a little house with a little baby, I was overwhelmed by reading those posts. I realize now that by facing those fears, I was able to answer them.

Our wedding was wonderful, and full of who we were. Our marriage is better. Four years ago I said, “But now, as the invitations go out, and the wedding becomes not just our thing anymore, I’m scared that the power of ‘how things are done’ will overcome ‘how we are doing things.’” That was the right fear. The answer is to keep facing it every day.

So. Your last-minute wedding worries might run a little on the existential side. Or maybe you still need a bouquet. For the former, see above. For the latter: The APW Vendor Directory.

And for those of you in the Bay Area, I wanted to give the nod to our amazing APW creative teams that work with us on tutorials. I would hire any of these women in a heartbeat (and do, in fact, when I need my hair done, or some flowers arranged), and I wish I’d known about them years ago. For hair: Maddie’s now personal stylist (and my fancy hair go-to girl), the beyond excellent Yesenia Guinea in Berkeley and Oakland, the hip and super nice Nichole Kreps in San Francisco. For makeup: the fabulous Nikol Elaine. For both: the crazy talented and retro Fox and Doll Hair and Makeup. And the floral studios: Green Snapdragon in Wine Country, and my local go-to, Natalie at Belle-flower in Emeryville. You’ll be in good hands.

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And now, I throw it to those of you in the trenches of wedding planning. What are your joys and fears right this second? What are your logistical hurdles (or hell, your fears about logistics)? Questions and answers in the comments.

Alison & Ken *

One sentence sum up of your wedding’s vibe: Our wedding was termed the “Jewish-Italian wedding in Amish country,” and combined our favorite people, food, and music to create a day that was so full of love and laughter that our faces hurt from smiling all day.

Alison & Ken’s Wedding Highlights from practicalmaddie on 8tracks Radio

Pre-Ceremony Music:
These songs were all chosen from CDs that Ken and I burned for one another while we were dating. Our parents and the guys walked in during the end of this section.

  1. “I’d Rather Be With You” by Joshua Radin
  2. “I Won’t Give Up” by Jason Mraz
  3. “Come Away with Me” by Norah Jones*
  4. “First Day of My Life” by Bright Eyes
  5. “The Light” by Ingrid Michaelson
  6. “Can’t Help Falling in Love with You” by Ingrid Michaelson

 
Ceremony Music:

  1. Processional, Bridesmaids, and Bride: “A Thousand Years” as performed by The Piano Guys
  2. Recessional: “I Do” by Colbie Callait
  3. Entrance of the Bridal Party: “Starlight” by Muse*
  4. Entrance of the Bride and Groom: “Magnificent” by U2*

 
Cocktail Hour and Dinner Music Must-Haves:
These were songs we requested that our DJ play. Any extra time we needed filled, our DJ played jazz standards, mostly Sinatra and Michael Bublé. During dinner, my brother’s a capella group also performed, which was awesome. My brother arranged “Just the Way You Are” by Billy Joel and sang the solo and made me cry.

  1. “All I Want is You” as covered by The Vespers*
  2. “Faster” by Matt Nathanson
  3. “Forever and Ever” by He is We
  4. “City Starts to Bloom” by Amber Rubarth featuring Jason Reeves
  5. “Mirror” by Amber Rubarth featuring Jason Mraz
  6. “The One You Say Goodnight To” by Kina Grannis* Continue reading APW Reader Playlist: Alison and Ken’s Jewish-Italian Acoustic-Ska Love-Fest Wedding

As we explore monthly themes, one of the things I’m really appreciating about the process is how we’ve been able to expand our discussion of each topic to cover lots of different perspectives, instead of just one. In doing so, I feel like our conversations have become much more nuanced, and have grown to include a multitude of diverse voices. So I’m particularly excited about this submissions call, because monthly themes mean that this year we get to expand on one of APW’s most beloved features:

Pride!

It’s possible that the best thing we do on APW is Pride Week, each June. This year, we’re expanding the concept of pride to cover the whole month. We (of course) want anything and everything LGBTQ related. But we also want to expand this theme to talk about pride in a general sense: pride in our weddings, pride in our choices, pride in ourselves and who we’ve become. Or even more simply: what we’re proud of.

As you consider what to submit, here is a quick reminder of some helpful tips and tricks when submitting your story:

  • First, one of the primary characteristics we look for in submissions each month is a connection to a universal idea. We’re all writing from our personal experiences here, but if you can take that experience and make it something that other people are going to relate to, then we’ve got magic. But that doesn’t mean every post needs to have a big moral or overarching theme. Sometimes the most universal stories are the simplest ones.
  • Second, as always, our themes are meant to serve as a guideline for submissions, but they aren’t rigid. Do with them what you will! For example, if next month’s theme is “Pride” but you really need to talk about the struggles of being unemployed in a partnership, then we want to hear what you have to say. We’re always after diversity of experience here, so the most important thing is that you write something that is authentic to you (particularly if it’s a perspective we haven’t heard from in a while or at all). Continue reading Call For Submissions: Pride

Last week we introduced a new feature to APW: Friday Happy Hour. It was basically an invitation for you guys to hang out with each other, maybe share a glass of virtual (or real) wine, and talk about whatever you needed to talk about. And naturally, it was awesome. Healing, helpful, and awesome. (And damn hard to keep track of! Jeez, you guys can hold down a conversation.)

What I loved most about Friday (other than the thread about centaur smut, which was equal parts hilarious and enlightening), was the exchange of information between folks on the precipice of something big, and folks on the other side of something similar. It became clear that you guys have a lot of questions about a whole host of topics (did I mention centaur smut?), and sometimes you just need to be able to talk through your questions and problems in a safe space with people you trust who might have already been there themselves.

So we’re taking today’s open thread to break out that dialog and give it a place to call home, starting with weddings. I can imagine that a significant number of APW readers who fall under the engaged umbrella probably have something wedding related that’s got you stuck right now. And we want to help. So here’s how today works. If you’ve got something you can’t figure out, or something that’s been bothering you even if you do have it figured out, or a wedding related problem in general, leave it in the comments. We encourage wedding grads and married folks alike to peruse the comments and leave helpful tips, empathetic words, and anything else useful where it applies. And in return I will, as ever, do my best to keep up.

Maddie

Photo by APW Sponsor LeahAndMark & Co.

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