Q: A few weeks ago, when I had asked my father if he was able to financially contribute and what he could contribute, he said he wouldn’t be able to commit to an amount until at least a year from now, or until the date of the wedding, but he wanted to contribute “something.” For obvious reasons, it’s hard to budget for a wedding when you don’t know if the final contribution is $1,000 or $10,000. I want to ask him again what he can commit to, no matter the amount, but don’t quite know how to broach the subject a second time.
My dad is a recovering alcoholic. Up until two years ago, he was gainfully employed and making a very good salary where he would have been able to afford any wedding I could dream of. But after some poor financial decisions, and getting fired due to a relapse, he is under financial strain. Knowing this, I made it very clear in our initial conversation that I wasn’t expecting much, if anything. I know he feels a lot of self-induced pressure to make a substantial contribution to the wedding, but I just don’t think it’s possible. He’s currently employed and hoping to save money, which is why he gave such a long time span for a financial contribution. Is it best to budget assuming he won’t be contributing, or should I ask him to commit to something even if it is very small so he feels as though he’s monetarily contributing during the planning process? Am I being totally selfish by asking again?
To be perfectly honest, I’m just happy he’ll be alive to walk me down the aisle, because for a while, that didn’t seem like a possibility.
Anonymous
A: Dear Anonymous,
Skip that second conversation. Plan your wedding as if he isn’t contributing a cent. If he does end up helping out financially, great! You’ll be able to upgrade from carnations to peonies, or keep the DJ for an extra hour. If not, well, you’ve already got yourself covered.
It’s possible that you’re right and he won’t be able to give financially at all. And it’s possible you’re also right that he’d like to feel like he’s contributed in a significant way. Your dad’s in a bind, and asking him to commit to a hard number just piles onto the pressure you said he already feels. Help to alleviate some of that pressure, by giving him other ways contribute to the wedding. Give him a job to do. Ask him for help in hammering out logistics, for advice in making decisions, for suggestions in finding vendors.
I’m sure your dad feels he’s lost a lot as a result of addiction. Help him to see it hasn’t removed his ability to meaningfully contribute to his daughter’s wedding.
And if you haven’t told him how much it means to you that he can walk you down the aisle, that’s the conversation you should have.
If you would like to ask Team Practical a question please don’t be shy! You can email: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though it really makes our day when you come up with a clever sign-off!
