APW Happy Hour


Going to the chapel with my BFF

by Maddie Eisenhart, Chief Revenue Officer

two mrs and mrs champagne glasses

HEY APW,

After reading Shonda Rhimes book Year of Yes earlier this year, I resolved to be more outgoing in 2016. Where “yes” used to be a bad word for me (it’s basically how I talked myself into being a workaholic for years), these days I’m using it to force myself to have more fun. Recent exploits include cooking up a day at the pool with the APW team in the name of work. And heading up for a long weekend on the river, wherein I will try and teach my now-hundred-pound dog to swim (wish me luck and buoyancy!).

In other news, June is basically upon us (I know, I don’t know how it got here either). As part of a series we’re working on with Crate & Barrel to celebrate Pride next month, I invited my oldest BFF to crash a live registry event (for science, obvs). And I shit you not, less than a week later, she got engaged to her girlfriend. When I called her up to congratulate the two of them, I was like, “Is it because I made you go shopping for stemware together?” I’m just going to pretend the answer was yes, because that is my life’s dream. And now we get to plan a wedding! (There is no better part of working for APW than when your sequin-loving BFF gets engaged and turns to you and is like, “Be my Yoda?” Yes, yes I will.) So stay tuned next week for that post, which I’m more or less going to frame and hang on my wall now.

And with that, it’s your long weekend! Hop to it.

Cheers,

Maddie

link round-up

This would happen to every member of the APW staff if any of us ever got hired to work for a political campaign.

AWW: Check these famous musicians and their pets. Why not?

Taiwan just elected its first female president! (She’s also the first female elected to office ever in Taiwan!) #Slay

This baby can’t walk yet, but she can water ski for over 600 feet. WHAT.

Clarissa Ward, foreign correspondent for CNN, gave an interview on her path to journalism (including reporting from Afghanistan and Syria) and it’s pretty great.

Maddie Eisenhart

Maddie is APW’s Chief Revenue Officer. She’s been writing stories about boys, crushes, and relationships since she was old enough to form shapes into words, but received her formal training (and a BS) from NYU in Entertainment and Mass Media in 2008. She now spends a significant amount of time thinking about trends on the internet and whether flower crowns will be out next year. A Maine native, Maddie currently lives on a pony farm in the Bay Area with her husband, Michael and their mastiff puppy. Current hair color: Purple(ish).

Staff Picks

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  • Flabbergasted

    Can we talk about Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy’s engagement ring from John F. Kennedy? I would never have guessed it looked like this!!!

    http://www.glamour.com/story/jackie-kennedy-engagement-ring-pictures

    • emilyg25

      Wow, that’s sooooo pretty. I was looking at royal engagement rings the other day and some of them are pretty interesting: http://orderofsplendor.blogspot.com/search?q=engagement+rings

    • touchdownton abbey

      That’s so lovely

    • Flabbergasted

      Evidently, the ring was more simple when he presented it to her in 1953. It had the diamond and the emerald with baguettes on the side. In 1962, it was reset into the over-the-top style in the link.

    • sage

      Accidentally pushed down-vote when I tried to click the link. Ignore please!

  • ktmarie

    Yay long weekends!! Looking for some collective wedding attire wisdom… I was thinking of wearing this new dress I got to a wedding next weekend but a friend pointed out that it might be too much white for a guest. I don’t want to be ‘that guest’ and can’t decide. Thoughts? I’d prefer to err on the side of caution but am also kind of dying to wear it… https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/product/strapless-fitandflare-dress/570175277?color=1416&catId=cat210006&fromSearch=true&scPos=10-21519-22124

    • Jessica

      While a very pretty dress, I’d avoid wearing it. Very white.

    • Ashlah

      I’m pretty lenient when it comes to white dresses at weddings (there were three at mine and I gave no hoots), but I would not wear that to a wedding. (Unless, maybe, the bride is wearing a different color). It’s pretty white, and the shape is fairly bridal too, I think. I hope you have other upcoming events where you can wear it with pride! It is lovely.

    • Lisa

      I really like this dress, but I think it might be too white for a wedding unless you know for certain the bride is wearing a different color.

    • Eenie

      If the picture accurately represents the color, I’d say no. Just to be on the safe side. If you paired it with a jacket or sweater that was colorful I think I’d be more inclined to give it a yes.

    • Sosuli

      It’s a beautiful dress, but I always feel like if you have to ask whether it’s too white… then it’s probably too white.

      • Eenie

        However did you learn that bit of wisdom Sosuli ;)

        • Sosuli

          Hahaha! I was going to say due to recent events my opinion is not necessarily totally unbiased!

      • ktmarie

        That’s a really good way to look at it… cataloging in my memory for the future!

    • Jess

      Very lovely. Very white.

    • Mindy

      Another vote for too white from someone who lcouldn’t be remotely bothered about this at my own wedding…but saw a family member of mine nearly get yelled at/shunned for wearing a similar type of white dress until I (the bride!) actually had to tell them to calm the hell down. People care, unfortunately!

    • ktmarie

      Thanks for the input everyone! Much appreciated. Going to save this for another (non-wedding) occasion :)

    • raccooncity

      I know you already decided what to do about the dress, but if you know the bride well you can always ask, too. I know myself and a couple girlfriends who have gotten married were all firmly in the “wear whatever you want, people will know I’m the bride” camp. I know that you might get side-eye from a grandma though, so there’s that.

      • April

        Seconding this, when in doubt, just ask the bride. I think that dress is lovely and I wouldn’t care about it being white.

      • Kayjayoh

        I wore blue and didn’t care what color anyone else wore except the bridal party: no blue for them. (My sister wore white, in fact.)

    • Kayjayoh

      I think a combination of the advice on this is perfect: either ask the bride or simply err on the side of, “if you have to ask, it’s too white.” :) Pretty dress, though.

  • Just some more proof that weddings don’t magically make people behave better:

    My parents told me I would be an incredibly rude host [for our wedding] because the caterer might not have Coors Lite [only alcohol uncle drinks], and I wasn’t going to do anything to make sure they had Coors Lite. There would be other beers. It will be free. Uncle can get over it, I’ve got other problems to worry about. Turns out, the caterer did have Coors Lite as part of the package after all, so whatever.

    My FMIL has *incredibly* specific dietary restrictions (?obstacles?), to the point that it is an actual risk she might not be able to eat anything at the wedding, despite a great deal of variety. At the meet-the-parents dinner, she mentioned that she’d just like to be able to eat one thing at the wedding. My mother interprets this as an incredibly manipulative way of getting attention from those around her, and essentially warns me not to give in to FMIL’s manipulative BS.

    Now, this is obviously incredibly hypocritical of my mother, and likely an overblown mama bear response. But…why couldn’t she just keep this to herself? I know why. Because weddings don’t magically change people’s behavior.

    I just wish it did, sometimes.
    *** End Venting ***

    • Lisa

      Not quite the point, but is there any chance you can work with the caterer to create an individual plate of food for your FMIL? We had only one vegetarian at our wedding, and while the rest of the entrees were served family style, we were able to get her her own entree so that she would have something to eat besides bread and salad.

      • She should be able to eat some of the fruit. We might switch the asparagus to broccoli, so she can have that. I’m hoping she can eat the lemon pepper chicken (this is what my mom thought she should “rinse off” to make it edible). Like, it’s a solvable problem without killing anyone, you know? And I’m not even in charge of catering or FMIL, FI is! So…who knows. It’s just a bit disappointing, is all.

        • Lisa

          Oh, if the catering is your fiancé’s piece, then it’s totally up to him to find something that works for his mom! I can’t believe your mom is suggesting that she just “rinse the chicken off.” Where is that supposed to happen?? I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with it and that the expectations are being placed on you, especially uneven ones. (Why should you accommodate the one uncle’s beer preference over your FMIL’s dietary restrictions? That makes no sense!)

        • Alanna Cartier

          What is the dietary restriction? Because as someone with dietary restrictions (namely celiac disease) The idea of rinsing something off to make it edible make my guts literally twinge. If it’s an optional dietary restriction that’s a different story I guess…

          • She’s diabetic so sugar is a limiting factor. I don’t think she’s diagnosed Celiac’s (her household doesn’t follow the separation guidelines), but she is definitely gluten-free. Her body can’t digest legumes, or “things with shells” as she calls them (i.e., peas). Almond allergy. Won’t eat meat with any pink in it and is generally avoidant of new foods (like, say, couscous if it weren’t gluten-ful…or asparagus).

          • Alanna Cartier

            oh, that poor woman, and poor you too! I know how much of a struggle it is to work around these kind of restrictions. Just know that, likely, if she has even one little thing she can eat, she will be overjoyed. I would be :D

    • Keri

      Ugh that sucks! Sounds like you are keeping a cool head and being reasonable about it though, so props to you!

    • Eenie

      Hahaha, my in laws are Coors light fans. One drinks it over ice.

      • Lisa

        As a beer lover that is just wrong!

        We have a friend that only drinks Bud Light, but the rest of our crew is pretty into the craft beer scene. Our bar package gave us four domestic bottled beers and four craft drafts (in addition to four wines and two cocktails) so I think everyone had something they liked!

        • Eenie

          Yeah the restaurant offered to get some domestic but we stuck with craft and yeunling (sp?). Everyone survived. Actually had some people discover a really good new beer that they loved so much they saved the can for their collection. When booze is free, logical people don’t complain.

          • YUENGLING! Yes! I was just thinking at a concert last night, drinking an over-priced Stella, how much I miss reasonably priced and reasonably drinkable Yuengling!

          • Lisa

            Technically Yuengling is a craft beer, which is pretty controversial in my understanding. I really don’t understand the distribution, which has it in the rust belt and–randomly–Florida, but my husband was over the moon when he discovered most of the places we went in Miami and the Keys had it on draft!

          • Eenie

            It’s in the south too. And at least as of a couple years ago not available in Illinois.

        • Maggie Dragon

          We’re craft beer people too— while our beer selection is going to be pretty sad (Bud, Coors, Miller, Yuengling), they were able to bring in cases of Troegenator, which is my favorite beer. (and at 8.2%, should hopefully help with the dancing!)

          • Lisa

            If the beer is for you guys, make sure you guard it! I was at a wedding where the bride and groom had set aside a special bottle of champagne they’d been saving for their toast, and the bartender served it when his other champagne ran out! I discovered this when I tried to get another cocktail, and one of the groomsmen ended up making a run to the liquor store and buying a new bottle so the couple wouldn’t know what had happened.

          • Maggie Dragon

            It’s just part of the open bar, but thanks for the warning! We’d actually considered getting a specific bottle of champagne just for us, so forewarned is forearmed.

          • “I Don’t Knowww, Margo!”

            As someone who can only get Yuengling if I go to a neighboring few states, I’d be thrilled with it! Hopefully your people will, too :-). Choosing the beers we’re going to serve is one of the things I’m most looking forward to!

    • Sosuli

      Oh man! I’m so with you on this. Hang in there!!

    • Jess

      “Because weddings don’t magically change people’s behavior.

      I just wish it did, sometimes.”

      I sobbed for hours (literal. hours.) this weekend because of this.

      Weddings also don’t magically allow me to let go of hoping people’s behavior will change, for the record.

      • Oh gawd, this exactly. Every time I’m looking to X family member for support, and never get it. Or X family member instead just interprets the issue as me being cheap (SPEND MOAR MONEY). I’d be a lot happier if I could let go of my hope for my family to magically start understanding me. But that is asking a bit much.

        • Jess

          There’s gotta be something out there that will allow it – wine?

        • Keeks

          Our wedding planners, were really good at giving me/us the validation and positive reinforcement we craved but weren’t getting from our people. (However, they were not so good at actually planning, so it basically ended up being really expensive counseling?)

          • booooo…or yay? Not sure.

    • AGCourtney

      Solidarity. x_x

    • Maggie Dragon

      With you on this one– weddings don’t change people’s behavior. At worst, they exacerbate it. My mother’s relationship with her own mother is fraught (and borderline toxic), so her anxiety about making sure my grandmother has nothing to snipe about is really exhausting. Crack a bottle of wine and don’t think about it this weekend!

    • Katherine

      Solidarity with you on the alcohol issue. My mom was convinced that we needed liquor because some of my dad’s business partners – not even family members – wouldn’t enjoy themselves if there wasn’t a full open bar. We’re having a barn wedding in the middle of nowhere and didn’t want people drinking liquor and then trying to leave. We worked it out thanks to our awesome wedding planner (we’re not having the liquor), but it was a sticking point for a while.

    • April

      Yup. Family is gonna family, friends are gonna friend. A lesson I’ve been learning a lot this week.

  • Keri

    Starting to plan our honeymoon! We were originally thinking the traditional all-inclusive Caribbean resort deal, but 1) August and 2) We remembered we hate being hot and 3) hurricanes? So we are planning a road trip through New England up to Maine, with the home base being the beach house on Cape Cod my parents recently inherited from my dad’s cousin and aunt, which is where my parents spent their honeymoon 43 years ago. Creepy or sweet? #privatebeachdon’tcare #lobsterplease

    • Ashlah

      I think it sounds super sweet and incredibly fun! We took a road trip for our honeymoon too (through California), and it was the best!

    • BSM

      I will put a plug in for the Caribbean in August! I’ve been a handful of times because, like you said, it’s the off-season due to hurricanes. In my experience this has meant a brief (like <15 min) tropical downpour about every other day of the trip. Also cheaper flights and hotels and less crowded beaches :). But a road trip through New England also sounds lovely!

      • Ashlah

        We’re going to Costa Rica end of July/beginning of August, and that’s the kind of weather we’re hoping for! Fingers crossed!

      • Keri

        How hot was it thought? I am FOR REALS a delicate flower and usually at the beach I need to alternate beach day/non-beach day because the sun is too much for me (red-head/fair skin). I am still a little torn though because like, obviously a tropical vacation sounds great!

        • BSM

          I’m sure it varies a bit depending on exactly where you are, but we’ve been to Puerto Rico and Tobago, and I found them both to be totally fine/about the same as when I’ve been to other places in the Caribbean during the winter/spring. I’ve noticed it tends to be more humid rather than hotter, but the daily-ish rain kind of clears out the humidity, which is nice.

    • emilyg25

      We did too! The Adirondacks and Montreal (also August). It was so fun and we like that we can easily, affordability go back and reminisce whenever we want. Also, New England in summer is the best place on Earth.

      • Nicole

        We’re planning a trip to NE to meet a friend’s baby and we want to go to Montreal too! How long did you go for? Where did you stay? What did you eat!?

        • Lisa

          I have no specific recommendations, but please eat all of the poutine for me!

          • Nicole

            Will do :)

        • Keeks

          Go to Joe Beef! Or Liverpool House! Also if you are into foie gras, like seriously into it, Au Pied de Cochon is your place.

          • Nicole

            Sweet! Thanks!

        • Abe

          Loved Montreal, had a super romantic long weekend there. For food: we loved this tiny diner called Patati Patata – such amazing poutine, we had to go back twice!

          • Nicole

            Great! We’ll check it out!

        • emilyg25

          We went for 3 nights and stayed at a B&B in the Plateau neighborhood, which I really liked because it’s kinda funky and fairly residential. I guess our favorite restaurant is closed now (we went 3 years ago), but if you like beer, you need to go to Dieu du Ciel. Also highly recommend the standard bagels, smoked meat sandwiches and poutine.

          • Nicole

            Awesome! Thanks!

        • Montreal is hands-down the best Canadian city (and my home). Make sure that you get some bagels at Fairmount bagel – don’t go to St Viateur, it’s far inferior to Fairmount ;-)

          Plateau or mile-end are good places to stay – there aren’t many hotels up that way though, so maybe AirBnB?

          • Nicole

            We’ll definitely check it out! Thanks for the tips. :)

          • Montreal’s good, but I must put in a plug for Quebec City. :) Europe without an overseas flight. I actually feel like Quebec is a fun cross between France and the US (both places I’ve lived and enjoyed, but pretty different too.) And try out some poutines! And crepes…

    • Abe

      Sounds absolutely lovely!! I would definitely recommend a drive up Route 1A (through NH) on your road trip, it is so beautiful and scenic. Portsmouth, NH is a great town, and there’s so much to do in Portland too. The food! More specifically, the lobster rolls!

  • touchdownton abbey

    My air conditioner stopped working last night- so if ya’ll would please send positive vibes this way while I deal with the repair man this afternoon, that would be great!

    Everything is moving fast! Did ya’ll have any tips for finding a florist? We have venue, photographer, and caterer on lock- so I think that things are going really well.

    • emilyg25

      I put our location in Google maps and searched nearby for florist. :) I liked her portfolio so we met with her for a consult and loved her personality and style. It was very easy!

      • Lisa

        You can also look at Yelp this way! It’s helpful for getting the ever-elusive wedding vendor reviews.

    • Jess

      TBH, I just asked our venue and photographer who they liked working with, met with the folks they recommended and picked the one who seemed most willing to do the heavy lifting of design.

      (But, I am a lazy bride and flowers, while our key decor, are not my biggest passion in life)

  • Jessica

    1. If any political junkie is not watching Madame Secretary, I highly suggest you start now. It’s like West Wing meets Good Wife. Sometimes it gets a little…cheesy, but overall it’s good.

    2. Yay four day weekends (courtesy of today’s vacation day)!

    • MC

      Oooh I’m almost done with the West Wing, which I’ve loved, but I’m also tired of ALL THE MEN. And I’ve been curious about Madame Secretary so maybe I will start that up next!

      • Eenie

        It’s good. Really good.

      • Alanna Cartier

        Ugh. Right? Thank god C.J. is there.

    • InTheBurbs

      We love Madam Secretary! We’re behind due to the time conflict with Call the Midwife – can’t wait for this season to be on Netflix.

      • Sarah McClelland

        I LOVE CALL THE MIDWIFE!!!
        This season has been so good!

    • April

      Done. I love both West Wing and The Good Wife.

  • Danielle

    Self-care corner! Again!

    What are you doing to take care of yourself this weekend?

    My plans:
    – Rosé
    – Lie in a hammock and continue reading Elena Ferrante’s “My Brilliant Friend” (ahh, so good)
    – Take advantage of Memorial Day sales and buy some new clothes, possibly shoes
    – NOT go to my husband’s family’s house with him. He wants to visit them, but it’s not my happy place, and I’m just gonna nope out on this one.

    Take care of yourselves, friends <3

    • touchdownton abbey

      It’s been the most stressful week- I think I’m going to get some margaritas with Mom, which may not be “self care” but my Mom is basically my hero and just laughing over a couple of margaritas on a porch is the loveliest

      • Danielle

        That 100% qualifies as self-care.

    • Sosuli

      I definitely need some self care but have a million wedding and work related things to do this weekend… so i’ll set out some time Sunday for a 5km run and trashy TV and knitting while FH is out watching cricket.

    • BSM

      Ugh, we are in the process of moving out of our house and finishing up getting it ready to be put on the market (June 1!), so self-care may need to wait until next week. We are hoping to have 99% of the work wrapped up by Sunday so that we can enjoy Memorial Day. I’m hoping we can squeeze in a picnic and walk by the lake with my hubs and pup on Monday, so keep your fingers crossed for me!

    • ktmarie

      Running a 5k (with after-party… bonus!) and getting in a round of golf. Probably some quality time by the pool as well :) Happy weekend!

    • Keeks

      Now that you mention it, I’m kicking myself for not getting the next books in the Neapolitan Novels because this weekend will be perfect “reading under a tree” weather.

      Self-care: I’ve been running more lately and noticed a big improvement in my mood, so I’m going to keep that up. And we’re headed to the park tonight for Puppies in the Park! We don’t have a puppy but there will be other people’s puppies to pet. And beer and sunshine.

      • Danielle

        Amazon has next-day service!

        • Keeks

          They have same-day delivery & pickup here! ASK ME HOW I KNOW.

    • Rhie

      Hubby and I are watching all the Fast and the Furious movies and drinking too much Corona. Preferably with lime. Woo!

    • Lisa

      Ugh, it has been a long week over here. I’m in rehearsals for a show right now and, in addition to being at rehearsal 6-10 every night dancing (not my strong suit) and being disappointed I wasn’t given any ensemble/solo numbers, it was my husband’s birthday yesterday. I could probably do with a weekend of moping around the house, drinking beer, and watching the backed up DVR, but we’re going to visit some of our friends three hours away tomorrow night. It should be fun to get to just chill at their place and talk since we haven’t seen them in a few months. Hopefully I’ll get to help my friend with a bit more of her wedding crafting!

      Other than that, tomorrow morning is a wearing glasses, reading a book, and eating chocolate for breakfast kind of day.

      • Danielle

        That sounds like my perfect day.

        • Lisa

          This was me pretty much every Saturday in college. I’d do it so I didn’t have to leave my dorm room and interact with anyone until I went down to the deli line right before it closed at 2:00 PM. Sometimes I’d even order pizza for dinner just to avoid seeing anyone all day. I love my husband and spending time with him, but man, do I miss my solo TV and/or reading marathons on Saturday mornings.

    • Sara

      In the past two weeks, I finally called uncle on my bare-bones-living-budget and found woman looking to rent a room on Craigslist (I own a 2br condo). I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me and I’ll finally be out from under this debt while still getting to enjoy summer. The girl seems nice and she’s excited about living with my dog, so its a win-win because he’ll get more attention too!

      This weekend she moves in and my brothers are both in town so I’ll get to be out with them while she’s moving in :) Now if this work day would just wrap up….

      • Danielle

        Congratulations! That sounds like a huge relief.

    • the cupboard under the stairs

      Thanks for continuing this, and thanks for reminding me that Memorial Day weekend sales are a thing! This weekend I plan to shop for wedding undergarments, which I hope will be fun and not stressful. I’m also looking forward to watching the last episode of “The Night Manager,” which stars a VERY ATTRACTIVE Tom Hiddleston.

    • Mary Jo TC

      I have a cleaning lady coming any minute to help me get the house ready for a combined baptism/3rd birthday party on Sunday. Sooo glad I’m not tackling the bathrooms and kitchen myself!

    • Rose

      I love this! I just got an email from an advisor (not mine, but one whose lab I spend a lot of time with, so I’m on their email list) reminding us that Monday’s a holiday, and telling us to take the day off. So I’m planning on doing that, which will be the first time I’ve taken a holiday off at home, just because it was a holiday, in a really long time. A friend’s coming over and we’re going to spend the day sewing. I’m also down to about two wearable but rather worn bras, so maybe with the extra day I’ll finally find time to hit the mall and buy some new ones. And maybe stop by the fabic store on the way.

      • Danielle

        Ooh, lovely. FYI I also was low on bras a few months ago and had a good experience at Nordstrom getting fitted and finding some really nice bras that work with my body. Hope you can do the same :)

        • Rose

          Oooh, thanks for the tip!

        • Lisa

          I’ve been thinking about this, but unfortunately we don’t have a Nordstom’s in my area. :( I really need a new nude bra because the one from VS just is not cutting it anymore. I mentioned it to my husband that I’d like to get a really good one that fits properly this time, and his response was, “Oh, would you like it for your birthday?”

          To be fair, we sometimes give clothes as presents, but I took that as an opportunity to discuss with him male privilege and how it would be like me giving him a bunch of underwear and undershirts for a present. Not cool, husband!

          • Grace

            I usually get my FH underwear and socks for his birthday/Christmas. He loves it because he won’t buy them for himself. Plus I love finding him boxers with pickles or roosters all over them (hehe), thanks American Eagle!

          • Lisa

            Oh, my family totally does this, too, and I’m all over it. My husband, however, likes “fun” stuff and wouldn’t love for me to give him those basics as a present. It just feels really frustrating because a nice basic bra should be something I’m entitled to out of the family budget instead of getting it as a present. All of his underwear, etc., comes from that so it feels like mine should, too.

            I guess it’s hard to articulate the frustration. We had a similar talk about how I was going to start buying basic make-up (foundation, concealer, etc.) from the family budget because I didn’t feel like I should pay the female tax all on my own.

          • Grace

            Definitely agree on not paying the female tax by yourself. And I would also be totally bummed if all I got for my birthday was a nude bra. Gee thanks.

          • Nm

            We have shared and basically accepted each other’s and toiletry philosophies. Then unless it’s an unusual or luxury item, we don’t need to discuss or question it. I am not sure he understands that even though I spent more than he does, I am being frugal, but he doesn’t balk either.

      • Sarah McClelland

        Yay! Sewing is the best self-care!

    • MC

      Your plans sound amazing! I have Date Night with Husband tonight and we are going to bike to a cute eatery for milkshakes! And I am going to try to have some me time at home tonight, since tomorrow one of our friends comes into town for the long weekend and I know I will be able to enjoy her visit much more if I do!

    • AP

      I’m also saying NO this weekend! Noped out of a family birthday dinner tonight, because I’ve had way too much family time over the past month with Mother’s Day, several birthdays, and a weeklong family wedding extravaganza that I still haven’t recovered from. Not giving fucks is a big part of my self care, plus my honey and I need some alooooone time, away form other people.

      • Danielle

        YES! Not giving fucks is one of my new habits that is making me feel free and beautiful :)
        (See Ann Friedman’s recent relevant pie chart.)

        • Totch

          I love Ann Friedman. If you don’t already, go listen to her podcast Call Your Girlfriend. It and happy hour are my Friday self care.

    • Cellistec

      WHERE did that wreath of nope come from? I must have it as a personal talisman.

    • sage

      Love self-care corner! My boyfriend and I drove to Dallas last night for a weekend of relaxation (so needed after the week it’s been)… We’re at a really nice hotel with a spa and the plan is to not leave the hotel tomorrow until we go out for dinner :) I’m about to walk back from my remote office to the hotel for nap-time!

    • Laura C

      I am going to try to give myself permission to skip out on some of the social stuff happening this weekend. SO many people in town and all wanting to meet the baby, but if I get a little ahead on pumping I don’t have to be there for all of it…

      Also letting my MIL have him for a couple hours this afternoon while I go for a drink with husband and BIL and feel like an adult.

    • Maggie Dragon

      Sleeping in tomorrow; then sangria and hamburgers on the back porch with some of my friends from graduate school. And while it’s not technically this weekend, trying to give myself permission to be less productive today. I got up earlier than usual every day this week and I’m just tired at this point.

    • Elizabeth

      I’m going to go to a nearby synagogue tomorrow, because I’ve been feeling disconnected and missing that experience. It means getting up earlier than I usually would on a Saturday, especially when I’m not sleeping well this week, but I think I need it.

    • AGCourtney

      I actually don’t have a jam-packed weekend for once, so that will be nice. I’ve been going to the Y regularly, I read, I journal. And heck, APW HH is really part of my self-care.

      I have a strange, good problem to solve by Tuesday – I got a $60 gift card for doing a focus group in January and it expires May 31st. I’m having the hardest time figuring out what to spend it on, haha. It’s a lot of money for me, and I’ve been encouraged to spend it on something for myself, which is really hard for me. (There’s the tie-in to self-care, if that makes sense.) I’ve come up with options, some involving the renaissance festival, or using it for household expenses to “trade” for cash to eliminate the time limit worry – I can use the cash for garage sales or maybe my dental work I’m saving up for. I’ll figure it out. It’s just interesting to see how long-standing issues of scarcity and self-sacrifice tangle up in this one positive bonus.

      • Lisa

        I don’t have the scarcity issues to contend with, but I come from a background of poorer people who are all major thrifters. It’s very difficult for me to reconcile spending money on something “fun” when there are real expenses to save for. I’d have an issue spending that $60, too, because I would have a lot tied up in the idea that it’s special money for me and nothing would seem worth it. There’s a reason why my spending money goes mostly untouched each month, and my husband’s is consistently spent almost to $0.

        • AGCourtney

          Exactly. I think it’s so funny that I would love to have more money, but when I finally do get some extra money, it almost expires because I’m so paralyzed about spending it. xD

      • Sparkles

        I just stumbled upon a WalMart gift card we got for our wedding over two years ago that I was saving up for “something special”. I don’t shop at WalMart all that often, because, well, WalMart, so it would obviously languish in my drawer. But I used it in the garden centre today and splurged on plants! I’ve been avoiding spending money on the garden, because flowers are just for looking at, and how is that practical at all? Veggies, sure, money comes out of the budget for growing veggies, but not flowers.

        I’m so excited to have added to the garden. That’s maybe my self care thing for the week. It doesn’t look aces, but I can’t wait for everything to bloom.

      • Danielle

        i hope you can spend it on something you enjoy.

      • CP2011

        I did a focus group this week (easy money!) and they paid us cash, which I’m glad it wasn’t a gift card because those trip me up too. Depending on where the gift card is for, you could always use half for practical/necessary expenses and half for something fun.

    • Michelle VE

      OK, now I get why my husband doesn’t want to spend our anniversary/long weekend with my family at the cabin. The lake is my happy place, not his.

      But our anniversary/self care weekend includes: No work; Bed & Breakfast; Planning our European vacation.

    • JC

      I hope you love My Brilliant Friend!! I wasn’t 100% on board until the third book, but it was so worth it!

      • Danielle

        So far, I really love it. The way she describes female friendships is just… delicious. Does anyone else write about that so well?

    • Sparkles

      I’m 7 weeks pregnant (!) with our second kid, and I have been absolutely beat the past week. So my self care thing is trying to cut myself some slack for sleeping and generally resting and avoiding housework. It’s hard, because I’m not generally good at keeping up with the housework, and sometimes I let it slide and feel lazy and get into a negative self-talk loop in my head. Right now, though, I have a completely valid reason not to do the dishes after dinner, and so I’m reminding myself not to get into that negative self-talk loop. It’s sort of working!

      • Alexandra

        I’m ten weeks pregnant with our second kid, and I’m in the exact same place with housework. Our house is a disaster. And oh the hormones and the rage about it. Kid #1, who is 2, is walking around, picking up his feet to stare at them, and saying “dirty, dirty”. “Pick up a broom anytime, kid,” my husband said.

        I totally forgot how much the first trimester sucks. The first time around I could just lay in bed and it was fine. I miss those days.

        Second trimester!! Come, please!

        • MommaCat

          Seriously. 8 weeks, same story! At least the almost-two-year-old will put away his toys if I pretend it’s a game. We’ll see how long that lasts.

    • CP2011

      I’m going to get colored pencils and try an adult coloring book. Been wanting to go a while, just always dragged my feet on putting in the initial (very low) investment of purchasing supplies. I also read a book cover to cover in one sitting last night; the book by Catelynn and Tyler from Teen Mom. Not upscale literature by any means but still an interesting read.

      • Rebekah Abeja

        The hesitancy to buy an adult coloring book and pencils is so me! I will soon. I find it so hard to spend money on myself. I took a self care day yesterday though, and it made me realize how little I do that anymore. Not good!

    • Sarah McClelland

      Yay! I was hoping self-care corner would be back!
      This past week one of my best friends came to visit and we set up sewing corner. There is so much good to be said for stitching and bitching, y’all. Also, it helped out my wardrobe. I sewed some pants! And they fit! And I cut out a tank top!
      And I went on a run.

      This weekend/next week:
      I’m planning to go through my wardrobe and lose the baggage- those things I think I should wear because I’m a professional but really make me unhappy, and the stuff I am keeping because it’s too expensive to give away or because it’ll fit when I lose that weight. I’m gonna dress for the body and the person I am now.
      I will go on 2 runs!
      I will visit my best friend and we will cook together.

    • Katherine

      I just got through the first week of studying for the bar exam, so self-care is the name of the game. I’m getting a much-needed haircut, having some quality video game time, and plan to go hiking if the trails aren’t too flooded.

    • Poppy

      I’m taking a spontaneous, solo, ridiculously far/short trip to a friend’s surprise party! The glass of champagne I drank in the airport lounge got things off to a great start.

      Sometimes doing something unreasonable is great self-care for hyper-rational me.

    • E.

      I love this weekly self-care corner! I went for a run after work today (!!), and have been lounging on the couch ever since.

    • April

      I think I really need some alone time this weekend so I’m going to go ahead and take it.

      Also, I’m going to keep up with my weights. I haven’t been enjoying running lately because I moved to a place with bears… like everywhere. Apparently it’s nbd that there are bears but I’m still feeling like it’s a big deal so no thx to running right now.

    • Alanna Cartier

      My self-care this weekend was shopping. For a while I’ve had that nothing to wear problem, and this weekend I finally splurged and got a few summer things and I finally FEEL LIKE ME.

  • Sosuli

    Tune in now for FMIL’s outfit to the wedding Episode 3, “Oh no she didn’t”… so after buying a lacey white dress with a couple flowers on and asking me if it was OK, FH relayed the message that it wasn’t really suitable. But apparently not very well, since he then went shopping with her and she bought… *drum roll* a different bloody white dress with a couple flowers on! FFS people… the subject came up over dinner and she said “I bought a new dress and there’s not a hint of lace!” To which I responsed, “I don’t have a problem with lace, but in [home country] it is really rude to wear white to a wedding and I didn’t want my relatives to think you were making a statement.” She then showed me a picture of the dress. It is white with a big orange flower on the top left and a bigger orange flower from waist to hem. And she said “I’m not returning this one.” So I thought to myself, just eff it. If she won’t listen she won’t listen and so I said nothing and gave FH an earful for telling her this one is OK. He is adamant it’s not white, that the dress itself is not white, but it just looks that way in the picture. I don’t have the energy for this anymore, so if it comes up again with FMIL I’m going to tell her the dress would look lovely with a cardigan or jacket the same orange or red color as the flowers on the dress… and try and convince her not to wear even more bloody white!!!

    • Jessica

      This is the point where, if I were your bridesmaid, I’d offer to ‘accidentally’ spill red wine on her at the wedding. I would only be kidding if you thought I was kidding.

      • touchdownton abbey

        I like your style

        • Jessica

          My vindictive streak is solely for the use of my friends.

          • Alanna Cartier

            Can we be friends? ahahaha. But really.

      • Sosuli

        Haha I love that as a joke. In reality I’m not pushing this because I do really like my FMIL even if she drives me nuts sometimes.

      • April

        You sound like a solid bridesmaid. You have some lucky friends. lol

    • Keri

      What about buying her the cardigan/jacket/pashmina/shawl and asking her to wear it to your wedding? Maybe say it’s traditional to give the FMIL a gift to wear to the wedding ;)

    • Jess

      Oh. My. Word.

      Your Thank-You gift-to-MIL should be a lovely cardigan in very orange. And FH should tell her to wear it the whole day, no matter how warm.

    • Lisa

      I just can’t get over how dense she is! I think for whatever reason she just really wants to wear white and is bending over backwards to justify why all of these dresses should work. I like the plans of a shawl/cardigan gift.

    • Rose

      Honey, I don’t think it’s worth the heartache. Sure, she doesn’t get it, but no one will be confused as to which one the bride is.

      • Sosuli

        Yeah that’s not the point. It’s that she refuses to respect that for me and my family, white at a wedding is a cultural no-no.

        • Shawna

          Totally see your point on this one. It’s a bad precedent. Trying to send you strength.

          • Sosuli

            Thank you!

        • Rose

          Oh, I completely understand. I’m just saying it’s clear that she’s butt-headed and isn’t going to leave off being butt-headed.

          Maybe it’s a passive-aggressive way of expressing that she’s afraid she’s going to lose her culture because her son is marrying out of his culture. Maybe she feels threatened and doesn’t know how to talk about it.

          What can you do? You can either sit down with her one-on-one and discuss it or just ignore her. If it bothers you this much, I think a discussion is in order before the wedding.

          • Ashlah

            I think the main frustration stems from the fact that Sosuli and/or her partner have discussed it with her, multiple times, and she’s still insisting on wearing different variations of white. It’s totally bizarre behavior, and maybe you’re right about where it stems from. I totally get the point you’re making about letting it go, and I think Sosuli is pretty much there, but the lack of respect is the heart of the issue (and a worrisome potential sign of things to come).

          • Sosuli

            Honestly I just think she A) really doesn’t get what cultural differences mean and B) thinks white is the most flattering color for her. We usually get along really well, but she is a bit vain – as in, she will force people to move in pictures so that her “good side” is toward the camera… (though you can imagine what I’ll be saying if she tries to shift me or FH in pictures on the wedding day to make herself look better!!)

          • Sosuli

            Oh no I totally agree with you in that respect – after several attempts at communicating I’m done with this. I was just reacting to the everyone will know who the bride is – i’ve heard that from a couple people before and just wanted to make it clear that that’s definitely not the concern in this case!

          • Eenie

            You aren’t even really complaining, just keeping APW informed of the developments. I’m very vested in this FMIL dress!

          • Totch

            Ditto. Wine and popcorn again.

          • toomanybooks

            Yessss me too!

    • Cellistec

      What the even…? Shaking my head at your FMIL in solidarity.

    • Eileen

      Oh sigh. How ridiculous. It seems even more ridiculous since not wearing white to a wedding is not a particularly obscure guideline even if it’s more important in your culture. But I’m with you on not spending more energy on this… I have learned from it (and my own experience) to not even veer toward white at other people’s weddings!

      • Lexipedia

        I, for one, would be so mortified if I showed up at a wedding with an unfamiliar culture and was wearing something inappropriate! I have one memorable experience of not realizing that I’d grabbed the wrong skirt on a trip to a more conservative country, not super short but definitely not covering the knee, and getting dressed while exhausted. The minute I walked outside I realized my mistake. I could feel people staring and I high-tailed it to a market to buy something that I could put over my current outfit.

        If I was FMIL I’d be bending over backwards to find something that met cultural norms so as not to be judged by new people I was attempting to impress. It’s like the dream where you show up at work and then you realize you aren’t wearing anything and everyone is looking at you.

    • toomanybooks

      Oh my gosh, has she ever been to a wedding? The FMIL dress updates are bananas!

  • emilyg25

    Re: the Clinton communications director: When I first heard about this, I thought she used the f-bomb on the official Clinton account. She just used it on her personal account several years ago? JFC STFU.

  • anonymous today

    I’ve been waiting for this post to be up. I found out my husband cheated on me. He sexted another woman about 4 months ago, then didn’t talk to her for a while (I’d suspected at this point, but didn’t bring it up) The night before last he was drinking and did it again. He did it for a third time yesterday morning. I’d turned down sex because I was tired (we get up EARLY) and he asked if it was okay if he went to the other room to take care of himself (sorry, tmi) I said fine and he did. Turns out he was talking to her. The worst part is when he came back he told me “don’t worry, I used a picture of you.” why the need to lie like that? We’ve been married for 6 months. The hurt is unimaginable. I went to work this morning but I had to leave early. I need company now.

    • emilyg25

      I’m so sorry.

    • Ashlah

      I am so, so sorry. Sending comfort.

    • Jessica

      That is so hurtful, I’m sorry dear.

    • Rhie

      what a class act, how awful!! I’m so sorry, gal, take care of yourself <3

    • Jess

      I am so sorry. Sending you a very large internet hug.

    • AGCourtney

      I’m so, so, so sorry. Being cheated on is beyond painful. Sending internet hugs. :(

    • AP

      Oh no…sending good thoughts. I know what it’s like to be 6 months into a marriage and be hit with something terrible your partner’s been hiding from you. In my case, taking care of myself meant talking to someone I could trust and not bottling it up, and insisting on couple’s therapy asap. Hope you’re able to find some peace and comfort <3

      • anonymous again

        He agreed to therapy, thank god. I’ve thought for a while we could both benefit from individual therapy, and maybe couple’s as well. He finally agrees. We’ll see where it goes.

        • AP

          I’m so, so glad to hear that. It’s way too much to try to figure out on your own.

    • Shawna

      Oh no. You deserve better than that. Is there someone you can call? A friend in a different time zone who’s not working or someone who would drop what they’re doing if you need them? If not, take comfort in the love of this whole community that will be here for you no matter what part of this process you’re in. Seconding couples’ therapy as a step to take soon.

      • anonymous again

        I’ve been texting a dear friend all morning. She encouraged me to leave work and take a break. My family recently moved away and I don’t have close friends in the area, so I’m very grateful for her. I also texted my mom, but she’s driving to pick up someone from the airport a couple hours from her home, so she’s not very accessible right now.

        • Danielle

          I’m so sorry, anonymous. My ex cheated on me and it was one of the most hurtful things ever. Please take care of yourself this weekend. Lean on your loved ones – it’s so smart you were able to connect with your friend <3

    • Rose

      Did I read this correctly? He first sexted another woman two months into your marriage?

      • Jeanie

        This comes off really rude, Rose. She’s clearly hurt and this comment seems to be rubbing it in :

        • CMT

          I read it as Rose was just asking a clarifying question, but I do see how it can come across differently.

    • Sosuli

      Oh lord. I’m so sorry. Sending you strength to get through this however is best for you.

    • Lawyerette510

      I am so sorry. I hope you have people to lean on while you take space to figure out where you want to go from here.

    • Cellistec

      That’s terrible and I’m so sorry it happened to you. (Or anyone, but specifically you right now.) Hang in there.

    • Camille

      I’m so sorry. Sending love to you.

    • raccooncity

      Oh no. I’m so sorry.

    • Violet

      I am really sorry this happened to you.

    • Emily

      I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

    • rg223

      I’m so, so sorry.

    • April

      Oh man, I’m so sorry. :(

    • If you need someone to talk to, you can send me a message through my blog (my name should link to it); you can send me a message with the box on in the right side. I am so sorry you are dealing with this, and I will be thinking of you… Please take good care of yourself. Try to eat and sleep as best you can. I am so glad you are texting your friend and staying in touch with her. Hugs…

    • Alanna Cartier

      I’m so sorry. I’ve been in this spot. I know how it feels. My ex fiancee did something very similar in that, a friend of a friend on a dare had sent a risque text to him, and he kept following up. FOR MONTHS. I only found out when the friend realized what was happening and told me. And then he tried to explain how it was nbd. ugh.

      I don’t have any advice on how to deal with it. My relationship with that guy ended. Later for other reasons.

      But I’m sending you hugs and sympathy. I’ve been there.

  • Terésa Franco

    T minus 28 days here and I feel like I’m dreaming. Actually, I am dreaming and the majority of it is nightmares about not having my hair and makeup done and looking chronically fatigued walking down the aisle (LOL), or the food not showing up. My husband-elect is having similar dreams, only he forgets his suit. The I’ll have a dream where he forgets his suit and also WHERE IS HE IT’S TIME TO DO THE THING!?. All of this is basically working the nightshift on a full time stress job, since our wedding is going to be across the country and there’s so much to remember before we leave. Not to mention trying not to anticipate or unwillingly spark any drama out of my loud, dysfunctional family. I can’t wait until this is over and also am feeling like I should be really savoring the lead up, being intentional with this big life-ritual and so forth. There’s a lot of external stress (not related to the wedding) happening simultaneously for me right now and I’m thinking I’m just channeling it through wedding stuff because that’s almost an easier way to process at this point. Anyway, sorry for the rant! I’m a long time reader but I’ve never posted, and I guess I was just looking for a little affirmation from rad ladies today. (I’m totally trying to find some perspective and self-care, but it’s been very difficult, especially when your partner is as stressed as you are.)

    • Ashlah

      I am hear to affirm your feelings! For the last month or two before the wedding, anytime anyone asked my husband and I if we were getting excited, our answer was, “We’re excited for it to be done.” There’s just so much to consider all the time, and it’s exhausting! In the end, our wedding day really was one of the best days ever, and it was totally worth it. At some point, you’ll get to a “fuck it” stage (for me, it was the night before). Do everything you can do to make the day go smoothly, and then…fuck it. Whatever happens, happens, and it will be great. Don’t pressure yourself to feel excited all the time, but try not to forget why you’re doing all this work. Good luck!

      • Tefrancs

        I can’t wait for the “fuck it” stage, lol. Thank you.

      • BSM

        Yep! My “fuck it” stage was also the night before. Once everyone had arrived at the rehearsal and our DOC took it away, I did not give a single fuck anymore. Made things much better :)

    • ktmarie

      omg i had wedding dreams every couple weeks for about 6 months before our wedding. sometimes the band didn’t show up, sometimes all my ex’s were there, sometimes i couldn’t remember the ceremony and we were already dancing etc ,etc. They went away immediately after the wedding. Not much helpful here but I know the feeling! Sending good thoughts your way

      • Tefrancs

        much appreciated!

      • Jess

        OMG I had a dream wherein I was actually going to be marrying my ex, but then I met R and had a one night stand with him instead, and then broke up with the ex like the day before the wedding?

        It was very confusing, but at least my subconscious is on board with marrying R.

        • Mindy

          I constantly have dreams where I’m unhappily/miserably dating my high school boyfriend (?!) and then meet my husband, so I try to figure out how to leave HS dude so I can be with husband since he’s always 10000x better in said dream. It’s the WEIRDEST, especially since HS dude is still, like, 16 in my dream since I don’t even know what he looks like 15 years later. So…this can continue even after the wedding! Anecdotally speaking of course haha.

          • Jess

            This is amazing and incredibly accurate to my ex-related dreams. It’s almost exclusively me leaving them to be with R.

          • ART

            I HAD THAT DREAM like five times! I was dating or engaged to my crappy ex and in my dream this really sad, puppy-dog-face version of my own voice in my head would be like “but I want to marry [fiance]!” and I couldn’t figure out how to make that happen. I would be soooo happy to wake up and realize we were indeed going to get married. I hated that dream.

    • Carolyn S

      I had lots of dreams about people not being there. Making a timeline for the day actually help curb them!

    • Rose

      I only had a couple of wedding dreams, but they were bad enough (the one I had shortly before the wedding, we were having the ceremony in a very remote place in the mountains three hours drive away from anything, where I do field research in real life. And then I realized that I’d forgotten my dress back at wherever it was we were staying, and my mom kept insisting that it was fine and I could change into it for the reception, but I was really just not ok with getting married in jeans and a t-shirt instead of my beautiful dress. I was quite pleased to wake up and remember that we were getting married in a church about 5 minutes away from home, and I was unlikely to forget my dress anyway). The stress comes out in weird ways, but it will definitely get better afterwards. I mostly responded by making lists. Lots and lots of lists.

    • Mary Jo TC

      I still remember my worst wedding dream: I showed up at the venue the day before the wedding and it was a small, empty black room with no furniture. I got upset about it, and then my aunt started berating me for not being grateful.

      • Tefrancs

        Yikes. Human psyche, amirite?

    • the cupboard under the stairs

      T minus a month and a half over here and I FEEL YOU. I, too, am dreaming about missing hair and makeup appointments, forgetting to pack the correct clothes, and dealing with incompetent vendors. I, too, am answering “How’s the planning going?” questions with “I’m just ready to be MARRIED already.” I don’t have any advice…just wanted to let you know you’re not alone!

    • ART

      I had one dream in which our caterer served food that had gone bad. In it, my mom ate a rotten olive and her eyes got all wide and she yelled out “sick bay!” (we were all watching a lot of star trek at the time.

      I also had a dream in which a cab driver was driving us up an down the main road in my area and like, not letting us out and just running up the meter and acting like he was lost. Eventually we got out and I slapped him across the face.

      The night before the wedding I could hear the wind HOWLING outside and I was sure that all our decorations and tent had blown down and would be strewn everywhere so I pretty much didn’t sleep one wink until 4am, when my now-husband and I realized we were both awake and went ahead and had our wedding night a few hours early. Later that morning, actual stuff started to go wrong and people just figured it all out and I could not have cared less, it was the best day. And then it was over and our honeymoon away from everyone was so awesome.

    • April

      If you need some commiseration, I’m pretty much in the same boat. “AREN’T YOU EXCITED?!” Yup, to never have to think about planning another wedding again.

      • Sosuli

        I literally had that exact thought when someone asked me that yesterday!!

  • AGCourtney

    At the end of a tutoring session on Wednesday, my client pulled out the HAMILTOME. It’s her friend’s copy and this friend actually suggested she loan it to her ACT tutor that loves Hamilton. So I’m having such fun looking at that.

    I drove my sister up to Minneapolis for the Exploring College Options roadshow. It was really helpful, especially getting to hear the Georgetown rep answering questions afterward. Sometimes it feels like we’re hopelessly out of our league, but she’s 100% committed to giving it her best shot and I can totally picture her there, so we’ll try!

    On another note, it surprised me how excited I felt to be going “home” to downtown Minneapolis for that. But at the end of the night, it was also nice to pull into my driveway and have the fresh realization that this is mine and that I’m home, again. It’s funny how different places can feel like “home” in different ways, no?

    • Rebekah Abeja

      Oooh, Hamiltome! I’ve been thinking about getting it as a treat for myself.

      • AGCourtney

        It would be an excellent treat! It has the entire libretto with annotations from LMM, brief chapters throughout about how the musical came to be and about specific aspects like costuming, and lots of photos. I’m only about a third of the way through it and I’m so impressed. And the book itself just looks and feels high-quality – but I work in a library and nerd out about those sorts of things. :)

    • Yes to different places feeling like home!

  • Shawna

    We’re getting married tomorrow!! I cannot stress how important this community has been to me throughout. I was a lurker in pre-engagement and have since eaten up all the advice online and in both books (thank goodness for shareable chunks too to bring him up to speed or start great conversations). We found awesome vendors in the APW network. My amazing fiancé and I would not have made it through in one piece without you all. Of course there’s stuff that we could have done better in hindsight, but we didn’t make any really stupid mistakes (yet). ;)

    A few days ago we put away the to dos for the night and opened up the big red binder which starts with the visions we wrote at the very beginning of the planning roughly a year and a half ago. We were psyched how close we’ve come to realizing our visions (which were remarkably similar to each other). The stuff that isn’t happening we made very specific choices about and the big stuff, the real dreams, are absolutely coming true.

    Can’t wait to share afterward. In the meantime, running on low sleep (was up for hours so excited in the middle of the night), but really happy about where we are now, the awesome pre-event we’re having tonight (and the ones we had yesterday and the day before), and heading out in a bit to pick up pies and check into our little vacation house.

    Big hugs!

    • BSM

      Congratulations!!! Enjoy your and your fiance’s day!!

    • Ashlah

      So excited for you! Congratulations and best of luck! Enjoy the whirlwind!

      • Shawna

        It’s so bizarre how calm I’ve been so far. I anticipate bawling once I walk down the aisle, but so far it’s just been fun to hang with all my lovely people at once!

    • Eenie

      Good luck and try to get some sleep!

      • Shawna

        Gonna try for a nap in the car or once we check in!

    • Lisa

      Congratulations!! Enjoy your wedding day, and we’ll be looking forward to those updates! :)

    • AGCourtney

      Congratulations! Wishing you the best.

    • Keri

      Congratulations! Best of luck and have fun!

    • Best wishes!!

    • Shawna

      Oh, also, fiancé and I managed to finish watching all of Buffy and Angel together this week (it’s taken us basically our entire relationship)! Given that I wrote my thesis on Buffy this was important. He is totally on team Spike with me and it’s really cute to see him laugh at some of my favorite lines.

      • Tefrancs

        TEAM SPIKE FTW

    • Camille

      Good luck and congratulations!!

    • Natasha

      Congrats! We’re date twins, I’m getting married tomorrow too!

      • Heather Glover

        “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!ti92ur

        two days ago grey MacLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !ti92u:➽:➽:.➽.➽.➽.➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsTripGetPay-Hour$98…. .★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★::::::!ti92u….,….

    • Lawyerette510

      Congratulations! Sending you and your finance good thoughts and great joy!

  • Kate

    Reached a breaking point this week. Just one too many thinly-veiled sexist comments about a particular presidential candidate. Plus found out while visiting my parents that my youngest sister has been dealing with all kinds of sexist crap from middle school classmates. A boy she liked publicly humiliated her at a school dance then suggested in class on Monday that the real reason she was mad at him was because she was “on her period.” Earlier this year the school had to intervene because a group of boys were discussing how much they would pay for her if she were a prostitute. She is 12. I AM DONE. CONSIDER THE FEMINIST FIRES OF RAGE IGNITED. I AM GOING TO BURN THE PATRIARCHY TO THE GROUND.

    • AP

      WHAT.

    • Lisa

      WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Who are these shits, and how are they getting away with this???

    • Ashlah

      Oh. My. God. I was going to chime in with solidarity about my boss talking about “crooked Hillary” and calling the Clintons a monarchy, but…holy hell, that feels like nothing after reading your sister’s story. I fucking hope the school is doing something about it. THIS IS WHY FEMINIST PARENTING MATTERS.

      • emilyg25

        One of our neighbors has a lawn sign that looks like a campaign sign but says “Hillary for Prison 2016.” Fortunately, they’re a few blocks away. Otherwise I might do something rash.

        • Eenie

          When did we start using first names for the candidates? Except trump. No one says Donald. A minor frustration in the long scheme of this campaign season.

          • AP

            Omg I hadn’t even thought of this…sigh

          • Eenie

            It is almost as bad as when people use your instead of you’re in terms of annoyance. Especially when it shows up in news articles.

          • MC

            I would guess a lot of this has to do with Hillary’s logo selection (big H) and wanting to distinguish herself from being just another Clinton. Jeb! also did this, too.

          • Keeks

            I feel a little bit of cognitive dissonance whenever I see Hillary referred to as “Mrs. Clinton” in the NYT. I’m assuming she’s cool with it, but I want it to be “Ms. Clinton” so badly!

          • Eenie

            I hate it more because isn’t it supposed to be former Secretary of state Clinton?

          • MC

            Even though she’s not Sec. of State currently she still gets to be Secretary Clinton! That’s what they call her in all debates & whatnot. Maybe there is a different style guide from writing about presidential candidates?

          • Eenie

            Idk. Please someone inform me because some of my favorite publications are doing this :(

          • Lexipedia

            I’ve gotten so ragey about this. I am less cranky when we are talking about “Bernie” and “Hillary” because they have equal levels of casualness. When it becomes Trump, Cruz, Sanders, and Hillary I nearly lose my shit. I don’t care if she has styled herself Hillary, formal media outlets should still use proper names for political candidates. For those who complain that saying Clinton doesn’t distinguish her from her husband, we managed it for Bush and Roosevelt, so that’s no excuse. Plus, Jeb Bush styled himself as Jeb too, and all the media outlets referred to him as Gov. Bush when discussing the campaign.

        • Mary Jo TC

          There is a house on my street that has both a Bernie and a HIllary sign up. Wonder what dinner’s like there. But my two favorite signs I’ve seen are the one that said “IDK not Trump tho” and the one that had Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite.

          • MC

            There was a truck on our street that had both a Bernie and a Hillary bumper sticker – a few weeks ago though I noticed the Bernie sticker was covered up with a nonpolitical bumper sticker!

    • Eenie

      WHAT?

    • AGCourtney

      ?!!!!

    • Jessica

      GET ME MY PITCHFORK AND TELL ME WHERE TO SEND THE OUTRAGED EMAIL!

      • Shawna

        I WILL JOIN THE ANGRY FEMINIST MOB TO PROTECT YOUR SISTER! I WILL BRING ALL MY FRIENDS AND ALSO SNACKS.

        • Cellistec

          I WILL ALSO JOIN WITH MY RUSTY MACHETE THAT DOESN’T CHOP FOR CRAP BUT LOOKS SCARY WHEN WAVED OVERHEAD.

          • ART

            MAY I WEAR MY DIY “VAGINA VOTER” APRON TO THE MOB GATHERING? I HAVEN’T MADE IT YET BUT I GOT THE IDEA TODAY FROM A COMMENT ON FACEBOOK.

        • Katherine

          I WILL COME TOO. I AM PROBABLY TALLER THAN ALL OF THESE SCRUBS AND THEREFORE VERY INTIMIDATING (I THINK)

    • Ridiculous

      I’d get those boys and her into a room and make the boys tell her TO HER FACE how much they’d pay for her if she were a prostitute. And then I’d make them each stand up and justify how this is okay. We’d be in that room a longgggg time.

      • AP

        Reminds me of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tU-D-m2JY8

        Wish people could understand how middle school behavior is a blink away from this kind of crap. But “it’s just boys being boys,” right?

        • Ridiculous

          They can’t even look at her. They can’t even LOOK at her!

          My mom is in her 50s and she can’t believe how younger men talk to/about women/girls like this. As much as women were fighting for their rights in her day, this ugly name-calling and violence thru words wasn’t part of it. She said if someone had said something like the stuff that’s common today, everyone would have literally stopped in their tracks in shock and horror.

        • Alanna Cartier

          THISSSSS.

          Because here’s the thing. All of the men reading the tweet seem genuinely disgusted by these tweets. But also, what a privilege for tweets like this to be shocking rather than commonplace. What a privilege that men don’t have to deal with things like this and can just scroll right by (or block) when they see it happening.

      • Kate

        Well here’s the kicker- they essentially did say it to her face because she was sitting right next to them in band class.

        • Mary Jo TC

          They should have to say it to their mom’s or grandma’s face.

        • Ridiculous

          Still. Getting them into a room and making them justify their words would be priceless. Boys/men who do these things are essentially cowards who are emboldened by being in a group of bullies.

          • Ashlah

            I know this is all hypothetical, so sorry for nitpicking, but…I’m not really feeling the idea of making a (12-year-old!) victim sit there why her bullies/harassers are told to say awful things to her, even when it’s supposed to be punishment for the boys. Force them to consider their behavior and realize it’s unjustifiable, sure, but leave her out of the process. “Here’s exactly why I thought it was okay to treat you as a sex object” would probably not be a very healing subject for her, even if it made the boys squirm.

          • Lexipedia

            I think the comment was more about how it might force them to feel the awkwardness of having to repeat and justify it, not traumatizing the victim by having her actually sit through it. More possible, and probably equally or more squirmy for them, put them in front of their mother/grandmother/female with a position of authority in their lives and have them repeat and justify the damn insults to a grown woman.

            “Well Nana, you see, I called Suzy a prostitute and argued that I should be able to have sex with her for $20. Johnny said $30, but I disagreed because I thought she wasn’t worth that much money.”

    • MC

      Ughhhhhhhh. That is awful. So discouraging to see gender norms & sexism play out at such a young age.

      • Ridiculous

        Except, like I said above, my mom would say there is nothing gender “normal” about how these boys talked about that girl. We’ve slowly drifted into verbal violence and degradation towards women and girls.

        • MC

          Well, “gender norms” are a set of cultural rules about men and women (and gender binary, etc.). I would argue that gender norms about men being superior to women, and boys being superior to girls, are generally what’s at play here. The way that’s expressed has differed over the years – I mean, when our moms were growing up, women had so little socioeconomic power that men were generally not threatened by women in the same way they are today. Not really a need to verbally degrade women if they’re not vying for the same jobs as you, not trying to get paid more, and if you can sexually harass them basically without punishment. So, maybe the name-calling and verbal violence wasn’t there but the underlying attitudes and beliefs were – they just weren’t being challenged as rigorously as today.

          Also, reminder to be intersectional: black girls and WOC have been verbally degraded and fetishized/sexualized in this way since basically the beginning of our country’s history. I would guess that white women are probably experiencing it more, and that women in general are experiencing it more (thanks, Internet!) but I definitely don’t agree it’s a new phenomenon.

          • Ridiculous

            My mom’s in the room with me. She says “Oh ho ho. Women were very much speaking up and talking about equality and equal pay in the 70s, and that was really upsetting the apple cart. Still, they were treated with more respect even by the men who disagreed.”

            What’s the excuse of today’s man? Women have been in the workforce in great numbers for decades so men should be used to it. In the 70s, men were not used to it and would have had more reason to be upset.

            I think we’re just in a more rude society in general now.

          • Sarah McClelland

            RIGHT??? People are just plain mean, especially when they can hide behind a “norm” or a stereotype.

    • Camille

      Ugh, what the fuck? That’s disgusting. As if being 12 years old wasn’t hard enough. I hope your sister is doing okay.

    • Emily

      This is terrible and insane and I’m so sorry that she and you are experiencing it. The sexism starts early–I hear and see things at the elementary school that are infuriating. I wish I knew what the solution was… or how to enact it.

      • Alanna Cartier

        I remember being that age when guys were going around grabbing girls asses, and snapping their things. And here I was hoping 15 years might have changed… idk, anything?

    • April

      WE ARE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER THAN THIS. :(

      I’m so sorry for your sister dealing with that garbage.

    • Alanna Cartier

      I don’t even know what to say here. that is garbage, total absolute garbage. Just reading about it makes me what to cry for how far we as women still have to go.

      Give her giant hugs on my behalf?

  • Maggie Dragon

    Okay, so what is it with wedding vendors and not answering emails/phone calls? I swear to God, nearly half of our final choices (out of a short list where we would have been happy with any of them), boiled down to “I didn’t have to call three times to get a price quote and you answered my email the same day or next day that I sent it to you.”

    • Or, like, calling to confirm an appointment the morning of, because you weren’t sure if it was for 1pm or 6pm…and they say it’s 6pm. So you show up then, but turns out it was actually 1pm…

      • Maggie Dragon

        Yep! The current source of my annoyance is a limo company which shall remain nameless. I email about a shuttle for our guests. No response. I call and ask about the pricing they have available on weddingwire, only to be told that that pricing isn’t accurate. The rep says she’ll check with her manager and call me back on Monday. On Tuesday, I have to call three different times to get hold of her. She tells me they can’t honor the price but they can do something similar for this new, higher price. I have to talk to my fiance that evening. Call back on Wednesday and (on the third call again), get told that the set-up I thought was available (three hours before the ceremony, three hours at the end of the reception) isn’t available and I have to rent straight through, for this new, higher price. At which point I politely noped out of that conversation and went with a slightly more expensive vendor who actually answered my emails.

        • ART

          I’m gonna say that was money well spent, good for you.

    • Eenie

      I HAVE NO IDEA! This was a frequent frustration for us during planning. “Well, you responded promptly to an email asking if we could pretty please give you thousands of dollars. So that put you above all the vendors who just ignored us.”

      • Photographers have been the exception to this, it seems. Those people know how to GET IT.

        • Eenie

          Yes, thinking back that is true. We had issues with venues. The photographers were all good with responding.

          • Alanna Cartier

            TRue. I have some venues that just never responded. :S

    • I still get sad when we go to one of our favorite restaurants that we had hoped to have cater our rehearsal dinner. They advertise their catering in a bunch of places in the restaurant and on their website, but when we actually tried to get them to talk to us about possibly catering an event, they suddenly had no idea what to do/ who we should talk to/ what we were talking about. They still have the signs everywhere! Every time we go, I want to tell them to take down the signs! You are getting people’s hopes up because you have no idea how to make this happen!

      • raccooncity

        We had the same problem! Catering was the big stick in the mud for our wedding. Everyone was flaky and we hired the people we did because they were not. And that felt really good knowing that they would be there. We too tried restaurants but ended up getting catering from a caterer because they knew their stuff.

        • Lisa

          My friend had this same issue with caterers. She couldn’t get anyone to answer her e-mails and went with the one that has the best communication. I decided not to tell her that the food they serve is actually pretty dry and bland (which I’m sure will upset her) because I know that it was such a pain for her to find someone who would just respond to her messages that was in her budget.

          • raccooncity

            Oh that SUCKS. Turned out the caterers we got were AMAZING. we had to pay more than we planned (because something always has to give a little in weddingland), but not that much more, really.

    • April

      This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot and I’ve been wondering if maybe it’s connected to the fact that it’s a “pink industry”. I have zero proof to back this up but it’s something that’s been rolling around in my brain that last couple of months.

  • Jess

    I am here today looking for advice.

    My mom would like to be more involved in planning our wedding. This is a fair request, since my parents are paying and I wouldn’t mind help because making things look nice is not my life skill. She would also like to attend vendor meetings (like tasting, florist, etc.) which I’m fine with in principal.

    I am struggling with the fact that involving her means those events become her saying only negative things about food/decorations/whatever. This is who she is, I have never heard her offer up a fully positive statement in my life (at best it’s, “X is great, if weren’t for Y”), and I know that I cannot change it. At our tasting this weekend, she actually made faces and did not say one positive thing (the food was objectively very good, guys. She just didn’t like the texture, or thought the side should be different – which we told her it could be).

    While it’s nice that these are thing-based and not me-based, I don’t know how to deal with these negative comments without letting them steamroll the event.

    I know people won’t change because of a wedding, just as I know I can’t make her happy. I just can’t stop myself from hoping that maybe *this* event will be the one where we have fun and she acts excited and happy instead of miserable and angry. I’m not ready – and don’t know if I will ever be – to stop contact with her, which I recognize as probably not great.

    ANYWAY, What I’m asking is this: how can I minimize the impact of these events on my psyche?

    Is it fair to ask my bridal people to come from distances away to these events and just say elaborately loud positive comments? Do I talk to my dad try to come up with strategies to minimize this in the moment? Do I set up our tastings/ second meetings a first time to go and have fun and then do them again with her so that I’ve at least got one good experience built in? Is it ok to call the vendors and explain that she’s difficult?

    • Bring another [preferably, positive] person with you to these appointments. Doesn’t have to be a bridal mate, maybe you have a friend closer by? Or maybe you can bring FI? Heck, you can even just Skype with bridesmates after the appointments to get hyped up again?

      Alternatively, just act deliriously elated and excited about every little thing at these appointments in the hope that it might rub off ;) You’re already a few steps in the right direction being able to identify these behaviors objectively!

      I’m sorry this has to suck so bad.

      • Jess

        Oh yeah, I should have added that R is present at all events, but he is a very quiet personality so it’s hard for him to be the backbone of radiant positivity. He does a great job of holding my hand and making small faces at me to make me laugh, but isn’t good at being over-the-top-vocal.

        But! I think my MOH would be willing to come up for a weekend of the events too. And she has already volunteered to take the job of managing my mom at the wedding, and would be excellent at being Too Much Positivity.

    • Sosuli

      Could you include her in some but not all the meetings? With the excuse that some you and your partner would like to just go alone maybe? That could work as a middle ground maybe, so she’s involved but not putting a downer on everything. Or could you try talking to her, like “mom, I love you being here and sharing this with you, but sometimes I feel bad when you can’t think of anything positive to say, because I really care about your opinion.”

      • Yeah, direct communication might also be something worth trying. Could also backfire stupendously, but might be worth the risk.

        Or alcohol. Have you considered pregaming for every vendor appointment ;)

        • Jess

          HOW DID I NOT. Holy crap, they sell mini bottles of champagne, and it’s totally acceptable to drink in public parks in this state. Done and done.

      • Jess

        This is a good option – we did try to manage that at the tasting but in the TL;DR version: it didn’t work out and she and my dad were there.

        We did do other events just us – like venue looking – and it was good (I should remind myself of that! We did stuff on our own).

        I am admittedly too chicken-shit to use-my-words, which has a pretty high likelihood of being more emotional backlash than I’m willing to invite into my life.

    • emilyg25

      Have you said anything to her? “Mom, I’d love to have you meet with vendors with us, but when you went to the tasting, you kept making negative comments and made the experience a lot less fun. Can you try to be more positive next time.”

      And then if she’s not, “Mom, I think it’d be best if just fiance and I went to vendor meetings.”

      • Jess

        So, we have a really fraught relationship already, which makes me pretty terrified to try to point out not-so-desirable behavior.

        *BUT* Keri had some really good wording that I think I’m going to try to arrange a conversation around.

    • Keri

      Depending on your relationship and whether you’ve broach this subject before, would it help to preface the meetings with a conversation with your mom about her negativity? Possibly couched in a compliment so she’ll be receptive? “You are so good at analyzing things and looking out for what could go wrong and helping me figure out what’s best, but I’m worried with all the decisions that I might get stuck if we focus too much on the details. Can we go and just have fun and focus on the positive?” Or something like that?

      • Jess

        I read through this twice, and realized that your wording is actually really great.

        Just a quick ahead-of-time “Hey, I really appreciate that you’re here to help analyze what’s going to be best and help look out for things that might go wrong. I need a little more time to collect all of my thoughts. When we go in to this meeting, I’d really like to keep the actual meeting/tasting fun and light, and we can iron out the details between us right afterwards?”

        I’ll pass that by my dad and see if he thinks it would work (She’s pretty… explosive sometimes).

        • Jennifer

          It sounds like you might also want to read this book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Karyl McBride. I’m reading it as a jumping off point to help with therapy and it has a lot of good insights. Even if your mom doesn’t fall into the categories, EVERYONE has a little bit of this in them and it helps with healing and learning why we are the way we are (because of how we were treated and brought up.)

          • Jess

            Thanks! I will have to check it out.

      • Alexandra

        Yeah, I was going to chime in with the (very frightening) idea of actually talking to her about it. For me, the book Boundaries really, really helped. My mom has a difficult personality and is an alcoholic. She was awful during my wedding, even though thankfully since she lives so far away she didn’t get to participate in almost any of the planning.

        The one thing she wanted input on was the bridesmaids’ dresses, which became wildly dramatic to the point where I stopped taking her calls and she left a voicemail whispering that if I went with the choice I wanted (a bridesmaid dress rental company I found on APW) she would be so embarrassed and humiliated. Sheesh. Finally, I put on my big girl pants, called her back and kindly but firmly told her that she was being controlling and I was going with what I wanted and it would all turn out fine.

        Actually confronting my mom is really hard but sometimes it just has to be done. And a lot of the time I just don’t let her into decisions/planning anymore. She is horribly negative and getting worse–the alcoholism isn’t helping–and the only thing that helps is thinking of her as one of my high school students (i.e. not taking irrational, immature behavior personally) and being very strict with boundaries. Obviously we don’t really have a nourishing relationship, which I had to mourn and let go of a long time ago. That step is super important. You can’t confront somebody for real while you’re still waiting for them to, like, be a warm, loving mom like other people have. Gotta do an “it is what it is” and work with what you’ve got.

        It helps that over the years I’ve built up a nourishing community of good, healthy relationships, and that my husband is a rockstar of support (he’s a social worker and extremely good at navigating relationships with difficult people).

        Good luck! Negative mom solidarity!

        • Jess

          Oh man. I am very much at the mourning and trying to let go of the hope stage, which is where the confrontation becomes so very difficult.

          I was in therapy for a bit to get to this point, and we agreed to take some time for me to practice it and check back in if I needed to. You reminded me that maybe I should go check in.

          Thank you for the solidarity!

    • OliveMC

      My mom lives 4 hours away and was so upset that (and how) I was getting married that she wasn’t included in planning. But setting boundaries and standing up for myself was the key to my sanity and I’m so glad I did! Negative mom solidarity, indeed.

      Good Luck!

    • ktmarie

      Sorry you’re dealing with that, it sounds very stressful! One thing I would advocate if you want to avoid addressing the issue directly with her is come up with a way to mentally make it funny or a game in your head. Maybe it’s counting the number of negative comments she says and drinking that many sips of champagne later. Or respond mentally with an even more exaggerated complaint than what she maid (mom: this venue would be great, if it weren’t for all those orange trees nearby, you in your head: i know, they might explode mid-ceremony and cause a hoard of bees to attack us all!). Sometimes just addressing this mentally pre-meetings will go a long way to how much it gets under your skin. Good luck!

      • Alexandra

        OMG yes. My husband and I do this all the time. Our thing is, we say “poop poop poop poop” when she starts getting ridiculous, because she poops all over all our ideas. If she’s there, we just say it in our heads, and look at each other knowing that’s what we’re thinking.

      • Jess

        Those are really good tips! I laughed out loud about the bees – I’m definitely trying that.

  • Soooo I’ve been wanting to learn cross-stitch but was surprised by the lack of options when I looked at online classes and IRL classes. But when I went home last weekend to see my fam, I asked my grandma to teach me! Not only was it free/better to learn from a real person, it also was a really nice way to spend some solo time with my grandma! I finished my first project this week and it was remarkably easy!! Now I’m onto project #2 and it’s a bit harder because it’s more than one color but alas. Anyway, would love recommendations for favorite pattern shops or other resources if anyone has them!

    • This is cross-stitch and a pinch of embroidery. Alicia’s work is just lovely: http://aliciapaulson.com/collections/embroidery-patterns

      Her cross stitch sampler is just fantastic: http://aliciapaulson.com/collections/embroidery-patterns/products/my-sweetiepie-abcs-cross-stitch-sampler-pattern

    • Ashlah

      Awesome! I did my first cross stitch a few months ago…and then promptly failed to do any more. but I want to, and I’ve pinned a bunch of patterns, mostly from Etsy. I really like some of the patterns from MagicCrossStitch and Sewingseed (which is where this one came from). And of course Subversive Cross Stitch.

    • Lisa

      No great suggestions, but I love cross-stitching! My mom spent years making us stitched stockings for Christmas, and I did a couple of them on my own when I was young. Have lots of fun, and post some of your projects sometime!

      • My grandma showed me my Christmas stocking when I was there and it’s hella elaborate. Maybe someday (and with a more modern style). :)

    • AGCourtney

      That’s wonderful! I’ve really wanted to learn that, too. I vaguely remember learning it when I was younger, but I want to learn it again. I picked up thread, fabric and whatnot at garage sales last summer but then had no idea where to go from there. I’ll have to think if there’s someone I know who could teach me.

    • Cellistec

      Aw, I miss cross-stitching…I haven’t done it since I was a kid, and I was terrible, but I enjoyed it. Etsy has some fantastic subversive cross-stitch patterns if that’s your thing, and plenty of non-subversive ones too.

    • Rose

      I honestly can’t remember if they have cross stitching patterns or just more general and machine embroidery patterns, but Urban Threads has some fun unusual patterns.

    • Camille

      That’s awesome! Love the idea of an emoji cross stitch. Good luck with project two!

    • ART

      I love SatsumaStreet on Etsy – it might look complicated for now but the beauty of counted cross stitch is that it’s just a grid, and if you can make your eyeballs cooperate with you, all you have to do it county (OK sometimes there’s swearing and picking out stitches involved but not all the time). Think you might like this one https://www.etsy.com/listing/171370019/pretty-little-new-york-modern-cross?ref=shop_home_active_38

      • These are rad! And honestly, this might be easier than the project I’m currently working on where there’s a lot of shading, which can be hard because the colors are nearly indistinguishable. And the cities would make for such a good gift! Thank you!!

      • ART

        is count* …apparently MY eyeballs are not cooperating today. Anyway yes I think the SF one is super adorable and have aspirations of making it for my kid’s room someday!

      • Lisa

        Those are so adorable!! I am in love.

    • AGCourtney
    • Elizabeth

      If you are looking for beginner-friendly, pretty, and sassy, Steotch is my favorite Etsy shop. I have used several of their kits for holiday ornaments, and used some of their other patterns as gifts.

      https://www.etsy.com/shop/steotch?ref=profile_shopname

    • Sara

      Oh I love to cross stitch! Like to think of it as creative sudoku because its basically just counting a lot :) I use a lot of patterns from http://subversivecrossstitch.com/blog/ I’ve made several of hers for friends.

      She sells kits too with the threads and hoops you need.

    • nutbrownrose

      I just (almost) finished this, which was like 100+ hours of work and very complicated, but I do nothing if not jump head first into complicated projects. It actually still needs beading, but I wanted to share! It’s so rare a cross stitch thread pops up. It’s by Joan Elliot, and I’m actually working on another one by her. Here’s the place I got it:
      http://www.123stitch.com/item/Joan-Elliott-Designs-Swirling-Peacock-Cross-Stitch-Pattern/JE057

      • Cellistec

        WOW. That’s amazeballs. You should be proud. Also, props for the pun “cross stitch thread.”

        • nutbrownrose

          I wish I deserved those props. My fiance will be so disappointed when I tell him I accidentally punned and didn’t realize it.

      • nutbrownrose

        Also, if anyone ever gives any of you shit for cross-stitching, just tell them it’s basically meditation, just with less opportunity for falling on your ass.

      • Jennifer

        That’s gorgeous. Great job! I can only imagine how long it took.

      • Lisa

        That is absolutely gorgeous!

        • nutbrownrose

          Thanks!

    • April

      Sweet! My grandma taught me to cross stitch when I was younger and I’ve been thinking a lot about picking it back up again. I did a table flip emoticon for my partner for Christmas.

      Cant wait to see project #2!

  • Elizabeth

    Rings have been delayed another week and it feels like it’s forever (though it really hasn’t been), since we’re still not announcing it ‘at large’. But my parents are visiting this week and we’re going to look at some venues (including hopefully the one we’ve both sort of fallen in love with the idea of) and I’m going to look at dresses.

    And we’ve ran into a question that maybe this community can help with! There are a LOT of resources of how to plan a meaningful Jewish wedding, a meaningful interfaith wedding that incorporates Jewish rituals, explanations of what the meaning behind the rituals are, resources on how to make them personally meaningful, etc etc. I also am on texting terms with my rabbi…

    What resources are there for Christians planning a wedding? My bride-to-be is specifically Presbyterian and we both tried to do some looking and couldn’t find any resources. She plans on asking the pastor of her parents church, but I’m not sure if there are any other resources etc? There’s a lot of expectation that everyone knows what the Christian traditions and meanings are, but we really don’t, and would also like to delve deeper.

    • Rosie

      Not sure about resources apart from talking to anyone you know about what they would consider traditions. In the CofE it would be Bible readings, hymns, vows, a prayer / blessing, exchanging rings – not all exclusively Christian of course.

    • Sarah McClelland

      SO I went to a PC(USA) seminary! Check out Kimberly Bracken Long’s book on weddings and special services, and her book on inclusive marriage(Inclusive marriage services: A wedding sourcebook).

      The PC(USA) website may have a couple things that would help you too… I want to say the Book of Worship would have a wedding “script”. Does your fiancee have a relationship with her pastor that she could ask about this kind of stuff?

      • Elizabeth

        Thanks so much! That looks really good. She isn’t really close with a pastor, it’s more her parent’s pastor, so while she’ll be talking to him about things it’s good to have another resource we can check out, and to help me get an idea as well.

  • savannnah

    So that wedding I’m going to this weekend that is having the ceremony being projected into the reception area because there isn’t enough space at the ceremony for all 140 guests? My fiancé just called me up to tell me he got a text from the bride and told him ‘we got upgraded’. I guess they didn’t have as many guests rsvp as they anticipated and now we get to see the ceremony live- I’m excited but still feeling strange about the whole thing.

    • Lisa

      How special you are that you get to be present for the ceremony!

      I can’t wait to hear about this wedding after you’ve had the chance to attend it.

      • Sosuli

        I second this, please report back after!

    • Totch

      So excited for an update. I’ll bring the popcorn.

      • Eenie

        I heard from a birdie that wine goes well with popcorn.

        • Totch

          I don’t know, we may be too busy sipping tea.

          • Lisa

            Because we won’t be able to afford the cash bar at the screening location.

  • Carolyn S

    So I got married 9 months ago and have been enjoying sticking around apw for #feminism and weddingcats, but turns out I may be super unexpectedly jumping back into wedding world because my mother is talking seriously about marrying her boyfriend of two months. It’s… a lot. She’s been single for 12 years (since my dad died) and I’m super on board for her having a partner and a life and being happy, but the speed at which it’s happening, the non-stop boyfriend stories like a newly in love teenager, the fact that we haven’t even met him yet and they are planning on moving farther away make it all A LOT to take. Hopefully once we meet him it all feels a little better but at the moment I’m torn between wanting her to live her life, and hurt that it feels like she’s pretty much ditching us for #love…

    • Ashlah

      Have you talked to her about how you’re feeling? My mom has had some long-term (but mostly long distance) relationships since she divorced my dad when I was a toddler which has always been fine, but if she were to get engaged to man she dated for two months, I would have a seriously hard time with it too.

    • Juliet

      Would your mom respond well to a “I’m so excited for you and I can’t wait to meet the new boyfriend, but if I was moving this fast with a new partner, wouldn’t you have some concerns?”

      • Carolyn S

        I’ve only seen her twice since they started dating, (she lives about 3 hour away now) so the first meeting I wore my supportive daughter hat (her sister is also currently in a new relationship and my cousins are being buttholes about it, so I want to make sure she knows I’m supportive of relationships IN CONCEPT), but the last time I saw her I pointed out that we don’t know him so it’s is a bit hard to be SUPER excited that’s she’s changing her whole life for someone who, for us, is a complete stranger. She seemed receptive but she is honestly so new love smug that not much rational thought is piercing through. I also told her we had to meet him before she got engaged because I wouldn’t be able to get excited about someone I didn’t know, and she said “well that’s what we are basically waiting for” which when you think about, isn’t really waiting to get engaged, just waiting to make it official…

      • Carolyn S

        Oh AND, when she first told me they were thinking about marriage it had actually only been 6 weeks, and she said “well you were pretty sure about [my husband] at about 6 weeks weren’t you?” To which I yelled “NO! I was pretty sure after about a year… and then we still waited a couple more!?” Teenagers man… I mean seniors. Seniors man…

        • Juliet

          Yeah. She is totally acting like a 16 year old in love. Oooof. Maybe throw in an “it’s my job to look out for you, I’m gonna be protective of your feelings!”

  • Fiona

    My husband is going home to the Dominican Republic to visit his family, and he’s preparing gifts for them. His goddaughters, our nieces are 7 and 5. What should I pick out for him to bring to 7-and-5-year old girls? I have no idea. HALP!
    (I was thinking black baby dolls because they don’t have them, but is that too juvenile for a precocious 7-year-old?)

    • I have found it’s best to go to the toy store and say, I need to buy presents for kids who are [whatever age]. They know their products, they know what kids like, and you will definitely not be the first person to ask! I don’t have kids, but do have a bunch of nieces and nephews, and this hasn’t let us down so far! This also works at children’s book stores. Online toy stores are totally overwhelming.

    • Eenie

      Books?

      • Fiona

        I don’t know where to get good Spanish/Haitian Creole books. They also don’t really have a culture of reading… as much as I love that idea!

        • Eenie

          Valid. I know in some other countries books are really expensive.

    • emilyg25

      Do you know anything about the girls’ interests and hobbies? At those ages, kids start getting more particular. Maybe the doll, an art kit, and some Legos?

      • Fiona

        They don’t really have a lot in the way of toys, nor do they really have access to much, so I don’t think they do. They’re both in school and the older one cleans around the house a lot. I want to get them something they’ll really enjoy, but I’m stumped!

      • AP

        Art supplies seem like a solid gift! Clay, pastels and paper, cool markers or colored pencils? I think stickers are pretty universally appreciated, too. I buy them for my young nephews all the time.

        • Eenie

          Ooh stickers!

          • AP

            Easy to pack, I’m thinking!

        • Fiona

          Stickers and craft supplies are a great idea!

    • Rosie

      Craft supplies always go down well with my neices at that age – painting kits, french knitting, paper craft, anything!

    • Lisa

      Candy goes well with any age! Are there sweets he likes here that they don’t have in the DR? I remember taking chocolate chip cookies and jelly beans to my first Spanish host family, and they absolutely loved them. I like the other suggestions about craft supplies. I think at that age dolls or dress up clothes are still very fun gifts, too.

      • Fiona

        I like this idea! Maybe I’ll make chocolate chip cookies to send along for the whole family and craft supplies for the girls.

        • Lisa

          Make sure you pack them well or he puts them in his carry-on! Otherwise, you’ll end up with cookies that mostly are only good as ice cream toppings. :)

      • Or little sparkly bracelets or hair accessories?

    • Greta

      Coloring books/paper with colored pencils/crayons. I would recommend colored pencils as the medium of choice because a) they are easy for all ages to use b) not messy c) don’t dry out like markers – make sure to also send along a pencil sharpener and they’ll last for ages. A sketch pad would be great, but coloring books would be fun too! Other ideas are: decks of cards/uno, stickers, etc. Think things that are not likely to break easily, don’t require batteries/power, and can be used for many purposes.

    • E.

      books!

    • Ruby

      I work in the DR and have spent a lot of time with kids in that age range–I would definitely recommend coloring books and crayons (rather than colored pencils, since they will inevitably lose the sharpener), and basic books with a lot of repetition like Goodnight Moon and Eric Carle books, which you can get in Spanish through Barnes and Noble. I also think the dolls would be great, and not too juvenile. Other suggestions are stickers and foaming hand soap to promote hand washing!

    • What about black paper dolls? This post lists some (unfortunately some of the links don’t seem to work, but some do and might be some good leads?): http://paperthinpersonas.com/2012/02/28/african-american-paper-dolls/

  • JC

    Question: Is anyone else familiar with the phrase “Suzy Homemaker”? My mom called me this the other day, and while it’s a common phrase in our family, it came across as really degrading.

    My boyfriend and I have been learning to cook recently, and I’ve got some new dietary restrictions that have made it necessary to cook more at home than go out. We’ve been able to be really positive about it and enjoy trying new recipes that our families of origin would never try. Instead of just “learning to cook” or “enjoying cooking and baking,” this now makes me “Suzy Homemaker”? We’re not married, we don’t have children, and I don’t cook to serve him. If anything, the cooking is for me, because I’m the one with food restrictions. By giving it a name like that, I feel like she’s saying I’m playing a part, and also existing to serve my boyfriend. Being a homemaker for a family is a choice I deeply respect, but that’s not the choice that I’ve made so far, and I feel like I’m being mocked. Am I way off here?

    • emilyg25

      That’s weird. People cook because they need to eat. Maybe if you got really into housekeeping and started cooking and talked a lot about laundry techniques, then she’d be justified. But just cooking is pretty basic.

      • JC

        Seems basic to me too! And since we’ve never been particularly good at it, it seemed like an important to figure out at some point…What with eating and all.

    • Eenie

      Nope! Tell her it is sexist and not appreciated.

    • Violet

      I’ve heard it, for sure. Doesn’t mean it’s not degrading, but it is a “thing” that people say.

      • JC

        Yeah, I’ve heard it in my family for years, but I suppose not directed at me. Good to know it’s a little well known though? I don’t know. Maybe if it were just us it’d be easier to blow off than if it’s a more widely accepted term.

        • Totch

          It’s a term I’ve heard before, and if it were leveled at me I’d feel the same way you do.

    • Maggie Dragon

      Nope. Not off. Even if I could imagine it being said in a positive way (which I’m struggling to do), it’s really an inappropriate, gender-normy way to express it.

      • JC

        Gender-normy is exactly it! We’ve butted head over similar gender norms, so I’m glad you’re seeing that here. It helps me put it in some context.

    • AP

      Yeah, I’ve heard my mom say it. Usually in reference to herself after an afternoon of baking. But, gross.

      • Emily

        My Mom says it occasionally too. In her house it’s often after house organizing (cleaning out closets, etc). I agree with the gross.

    • Her Lindsayship

      Also changing your diet is one of those things that other people get weird about. My sister’s diet is currently very restricted for health reasons, and she was given the doctor’s orders to make this change right before we went home for a visit. Some of our family members had such a weird reaction to this – kept kind of insinuating that her diet was unbearable or saying things like “I don’t know how you can just eat potatoes for dinner” etc. And I got so defensive on her behalf! She’s not doing this to be quirky, she’s doing it because otherwise she’ll suffer! It’s just really gross to look at how someone else eats (has to eat) and say, “oh, how awful for you.”

      Anyway sorry for the rant. Obvs different from your situation. Hope your diet’s going well aside from weird sexist comments. <3

      • JC

        Actually, not at all different from my situation! I’ve been known to make “quirky” changes to deal with my health, but the latest changes are absolutely doctor recommended. My family , especially my mom, is SO uncomfortable about it. She keeps trying to make me make exceptions, plus other hurtful words that don’t really need to be revisited today. You’re right to link my diet changes to her need to all this!

        • Eenie

          I’m visiting my in laws this weekend and I learned years ago just to bring my own food. I’m so done trying to explain my health needs to people. Hopefully she gets on board with you.

          • Totch

            My cousin is visiting next week and has a lot of restrictions. Had to have a talk with my fiance, who is always very anxious about making sure people are fed, because he was so ready to make the whole weekend about their diet. It seems like all the attention that’s paid to it is 10x worse than just bringing your own food, even when it’s from a place of love.

          • Eenie

            Oh yes.. although it warms my heart when someone tries. But I wouldn’t want someone to stress about it.

          • JC

            We’re visiting them soon, and we’ll see how it goes. I hope you enjoy your personally prepared food!

          • Eenie

            I will! My husband does half the cooking but my MIL thinks I do it all and has apparently been hinting at that fact with my SILs. Oh family!!

        • Her Lindsayship

          Ouch, sorry to hear that. :/ Our mom was a little weird about it with my sister, but she didn’t really suggest that she should make exceptions, so it wasn’t that bad. Hope your fam starts to get with the picture, or at least that someone (hello bf) comes to your defense about it!

    • AP

      So I just did some digging, and turns out Suzy Homemaker was a line of toys: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suzy_Homemaker

      • AP

        And check it out, this guy got one in 1966! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CjZAp80zkc

      • JC

        I figured that might be it! I’m not sure it alleviates my feelings, but I’m happy to hear there’s a little context and not something made up.

        • AP

          Yeah, it’s still not great. Google the Suzy Homemaker commercial if you want to get really rage-y (there’s definitely a toy hair dryer so girls can “stay lovely.”) But even without the sexism, calling you that is still dismissive and infantilizing. I’d be annoyed too.

    • KK

      I feel like it matters what her tone and intention was. I would totally feel mocked and annoyed if someone said that to me as well, but I also think my MIL would say something like that and genuinely mean it in a nice way. But I’d probably respond with something like “So I guess that makes [boyfriend] Billy Homemaker?”
      I may have done something similar last night on the phone with my in-laws… my husband wears scrubs for his engineering job and we were video chatting with his parents. His dad joked that’s he’s talking to Dr. Nathan and Nurse Katharine. I immediately replied, umm you mean Dr. Katharine??? [I don’t wear scrubs so not sure why he lumped me in anyways, but if my husband is going to be a fictional doctor, I sure as hell won’t automatically be his fictional nurse!]
      All that to say, microaggressions… they are real, and it’s ok to feel annoyed and call them out.

    • Sarah McClelland

      I’ve been called Suzy Homemaker. And how much I am bothered by it depends on the day and the tone in use by the person. I guess it doesn’t bother me as much as it could because on top of loving to cook, I sew/quilt/knit and those are hobbies associated with home-makers…
      But for the most part, I’m with those who are not okay with it because it is, more often than not, gender-normish and derogatory.

  • Rosie

    I need some fashion advice! Next weekend I’m going to a joint hen and stag (bachelorette / bachelor) party and I don’t know what to wear for the restaurant & drinking bit. I don’t think it’s formal but I don’t know anyone going well enough to ask what they’re wearing. Also… it’s being held in my ex’s hometown, so if I happened to look effortlessly gorgeous that would help my confidence. Any ideas?!

    • Michelle VE

      This is the kind of event a little black dress was designed for.

      • Rosie

        Ooh, good call. Any favourites at the mo you can share?

        • Cdn icecube

          I don’t know where you live but the Megan Markle collection for Reitmans has a BEAUTIFUL black dress that’s both appropriate (just about knee length) for a dinner, but also sexy (form fitted) enough to do both. I’d post a link but it’s too hard on mobile right now. Good luck!!

    • Eenie

      Fancyish top and skirt or jeans? You can never go wrong with a sparkle top in my opinion.

      • Lisa

        Sequins are the ultimate neutral.

        • Totch

          New life motto.

        • Rosie

          Haha yes! Now am I brave enough…

          • Eenie

            Do it! Find one that doesn’t scratch you when you move.

      • Rosie

        I just destroyed my jeans so could be two birds with one stone :)

    • Poppy

      Super cool jumpsuit? Rent The Runway has some nice looking ones and great customer service if you try it and it doesn’t fit.

      I don’t know if I’m unique in this, but when I’m faced with this kind of situation I usually invest in hair and makeup. I feel like $1,000,000 when my hair is professionally blow dried and my brows are recently done, no matter what I’m wearing. No risk of being too formal or not formal enough, your hair just looks amazing.

  • Totch

    I have my first 5k on Sunday! The easy goal is under 40, the reach goal is as close to 35 as possible. I started training in February, and this 5k is gonna be my baseline. I feel good thinking of it that way: no pressure, see what your body can do this time, then watch for how far you can progress past it.

    Also, we’re on the hunt for an officiant. It’s the last big question mark. I think we’re going to go with a marriage commissioner, which is a civil servant we have here in BC that just exists to do weddings (I think it relieves stress on the courthouse/city hall and gives more options for people who want a civil ceremony?). We’ve been looking through the list of commissioners, and since it’s government website the info is pretty sparse. It’s basically a name, email address, and a photo.

    I’ve really been testing my Google skills looking them all up, but I’ll admit that sometimes all we find is blog posts of wedding photos and we’re basically just going “does this old lady look like the old lady who should marry us?” BTW, they’re like all old ladies y’all. It’s amazing.

    • Ashlah

      Oh good luck at your 5K! I felt so good after finishing my first last month. Have fun!

    • Katherine

      I’ll be thinking of you! I bet you’ll nail your goal – everyone I know has overestimated their times for their first 5ks. Good luck!

    • Sarah McClelland

      Old ladies are so awesome.
      And you are gonna be so awesome at your 5k!

    • gonzalesbeach

      good luck on the race! Maybe check your social circle to see if they liked/didn’t like their commissioner, or you could maybe ask some of your vendors to find out if there is one in the area they’d particularly recommend. and wedding date may play into it. a lot of weddings I’ve been to lately actually did the marriage commissioner piece on a different day, since it’s mostly people watching you sign paperwork! and then they have a friend or family member or someone do a ceremony for them on their wedding day (so legally you married the day of the marriage commissioner paperwork). oh and the reason they are generally older is because to apply to be a marriage commissioner they usually have to be semi or fully retired and have a flexible schedule.

      • Totch

        Thanks! Everyone I know there has been married in their respective religion, and I’ve asked the few vendors we have. No real guidance, so we’re winging it!

        My family isn’t super comfortable with my not having a Catholic wedding, so we want to do the marriage commissioner and signing at the ceremony to give things a bit of gravitas. Another reason I’m comforted by many of the options being older: built in gravitas.

    • Jenn

      I got married on the Island by an officiant…we basically picked her as she was one of the few available for our day who was also willing to meet with us to have a chat before we decided. She turned out to be great, gave us a choose-your-own-adventure style ceremony template to work from, and remembered us 2 years later when she officiated a friend’s wedding that we attended. I would recommend booking them as soon as you can – we got married on a Saturday in September, and we were her fifth (!) wedding of the day. I have never really heard of anyone being upset with their officiant choice – in my experience they do it because they seem to like weddings, because the fee they get paid per wedding is not very high.

      • Totch

        Thanks! And yeah, it seems like a lot of sweet old ladies who just love love. We’re 10 months out, I think I’ll email a few people this weekend just to see when they recommend booking.

        • Ilora

          Another option would be to have the commissioner do just the legal bits and have someone else do the rest of the ceremony. Friends of ours did that and the transitions between officiant/commissioner were very smooth, no different than having readings done. They had a close family friend do the majority of their ceremony.

          We went the route of having the legal part completely separate and met with the commissioner on our dating anniversary. We looked at their locations firstly, since they charge travel fees we narrowed to the ones who were closest to our preferred location. The first one we picked was just because she looked so darn enthusiastic but she never returned our e-mail so we moved on. It was pretty arbitrary, but we had other plans for the big ceremony so we didn’t really care. Which was fortunate since she, accidentally..I think, didn’t make any of the changes we’d requested to her basic ceremony…

        • CMT

          Man, that sounds like such a good thing to do in retirement. I’m putting that on my Old Lady list, along with volunteering at polling places on election day.

  • Eh

    Any recommendations on how to support my husband in confronting his family when they do something that upsets him? My husband hates conflict (or the idea of conflict) and is currently stewing on an issue but “chickened out” (his words) on talking to the person about it. The situation is that at Mother’s Day the family discussed dates for a number of events this summer (big birthdays and other celebrations). We mentioned the date we planned on having our daughter’s first birthday party. There were no conflicts with the planned events. Then two weeks later a family member sends out invites to a BBQ on the same day we planned the birthday party (note: they said this BBQ was going to be in June originally, and 90% of the guests for the birthday party are invited to the BBQ). I mentioned to the family member that that was the same day we planned on having our daughter’s birthday and they said they decided they wanted the BBQ to coincide with their anniversary (note: my daughter was born on their anniversary). My husband and I agreed that we could move the birthday to the Sunday but decided to ask my MIL if this would be an issue for other family members (many members of my husband’s family attend church so we plan on having the party in the afternoon but we also live an hour away). My MIL told us to change the date. This is not possible because we are away the weekend before and my husband is going back to work the Monday after and he works weekends so it can’t be later (hence why we planned it for that specific weekend). My husband is still upset and wanted to talk to the family member who is having the BBQ (he talked to the person yesterday about something else but “chickened out” about bringing up this issue). The invitations for the BBQ were sent out nearly three months before the event so my husband feels that they did that on purpose to get their invitations out before us. He wishes that they had mentioned it to us, instead of sending out the invites and blind-siding us. I am fine with the party being on the Sunday (and I know that no matter when the party is it’s not going to be good for someone and some people won’t be able to show up – having it on the Sunday just make it less convenient) but it is eating at my husband that we are being treated this way. Anyways, I want to help him prepare to talk to this family member (as we will be seeing them in a week).

    • raccooncity

      Please tell me it’s at least their 50th wedding anniversary or something that’s celebrated with a precious metal.

      • Eh

        Nope – 4th. And the party isn’t for their anniversary, it’s a family BBQ.

        • raccooncity

          OH right. Reading comprehension fail. That’s so awful in any case, but so much worse that it seems to be for no reason.

          • Eh

            It has a reason but it’s unrelated to their anniversary. That’s why it was originally planned for June.

        • Cellistec

          Dislike.

    • KK

      Ugh, that sounds pretty shitty. Does your husband need support in discussing exactly what and how to say/confront this family member? Or does he just need support in the idea that he should say something?
      I think he definitely should say something, obviously not to win back your date, because you guys seem to be ok without that, but because it was unkind and disrespectful for that family member to send out invites for a family event when everyone discussed and agreed that day would work for your kid’s birthday party. They definitely should have checked with you first, and upon hearing you aren’t able to reschedule for another weekend, they should have selected a different date. I think it’s fair and important to tell them that you expect that courtesy (really, normal human behavior) in the future. Otherwise, what is the point of having these scheduling discussions with the family? If they aren’t receptive, then at least he said his part and stood up to bad behavior. And in the future, I guess you better be ready to pull the trigger on evites the minute the family agrees to a date you reserve!

      Also, agree with raccooncity that this better be a big-deal anniversary!!

      • Cellistec

        100% agree. It sounds like the BBQ isn’t going to be rescheduled, so there’s no helping that now, but for the sake of future planning, a hard conversation with the in-laws has to happen.

        How about “It really hurt our feelings that you planned your anniversary party for the same day as our daughter’s birthday when we had talked about the date with you in advance. Can you help us understand what happened?” (Note: last sentence totally borrowed from AAM, whose brilliant scripts for hard conversations apply to many non-work situations too.)

        • Eh

          This is really helpful wording. Thanks!

      • Eh

        Thanks for giving me some things to think about and discuss with my husband. My husband has felt like he gets walked all over by his family so he wants that to stop. That said, I am super happy that he stood up to his mom when she told us to move the birthday party (he explained the reasons we couldn’t).

        We were discussing dates because his grandparents have big birthdays this summer, his brother has a big birthday and it’s our daughter’s 1st birthday. Then this family member added in they wanted to have a BBQ to thank their family and friends for the support they gave them during a difficult time, so it has nothing to do with their anniversary. Also, this couple has a daughter who shares a birthday with the husband’s father (eg the girl’s grandfather) and the husband shares a birthday with another neice, so they know about being sensitive to children’s birthdays. Unfortunately my daughter shares a birthday with this couples anniversary, a cousin’s birthday and a friend’s birthday.

        • KK

          Yeah I see how that makes for a busy summer of family events! And why it is important to discuss and plan at the beginning of the summer so that everyone gets their moment. Also why it’s so important for the family to honor those ‘reserved’ dates.

          If the BBQ is really not about the anniversary, and therefore not date-specific, then it makes it all the more inconsiderate of them to take the date you had reserved. I like Cellistec’s wording below, and maybe your husband can appeal to them about how they know how hard it is when a kid’s bday is shared with other dates.
          Another thing possibly to consider is who of the couple might have been driving the date selection. If you think one or the other is more likely the schedule-maker of the couple, it might be most effective for your husband to talk to that person. But, if he’s nervous, I’d just go with talking to the one he’s most comfortable with/knows best.

          However it turns out, good for your husband for wanting to stand up to it! I think it can be easy to become the ‘accommodating’ one in the family, and unfortunately it’s easy for family members to take advantage of an accommodating member. The same type of stuff has happened to my husband because he’s so easy-going and people think he doesn’t care. But sometimes others need to accommodate you!

          (As a side note, I personally just don’t think of anniversaries as anything but a date for the couple to celebrate however they want just the two of them. In fact I got married on my dad’s and my MOH’s birthdays – they have the same bday – and I would never consider asking either to reschedule a big family or friend bday party because it’s my anniversary… With the just the two of us, it’s easy to find another date. But then again, I’m not very sentimental about celebrating anything on the specific date if it’s inconvenient.)

          • Eh

            In my family anniversaries are only celebrated between the couple (except really big dates). My in-laws expect at least a call from people on their anniversary and give us gifts for ours (which I think is weird). They were made last year that we had plans and said we wouldn’t be home so they couldn’t visit us.

            When the discussion about dates came up, we were under the impression (as any reasonable person would be) that we were ‘reserving’ the date. We are currently ok with being accommodating since my husband is on parental leave but when he goes back to work we will have to be heavy handed again. My husband works shifts and weekends and needs notice so he can go (we have decided that if he can’t go because of short notice then the whole family doesn’t go).

  • Marie

    So I have a question for all the wonderful photographers around here! Is it unethical for a couple who has the rights to their photos to upload them to a separate site (like Snapfish) and tell their guests “You can buy prints directly from our photographer if you’d like to support her…but just order your prints from the Snapfish site if you want a much more reasonable price!” A couple I know just did this, and it…rubbed me the wrong way. Is that kosher in photographer world?

    • Ashlah

      Not a photographer myself, but that would totally rub me the wrong way. It’s one thing to accept that your guests might ask for digital copies of a few photos and then print them cheaply, but to blatantly undercut the photographer…it’s just icky.

      • Eenie

        Is it undercutting if you have the rights to print for personal use? I know our photographer didn’t care, she provides a print credit for some couples and using the gallery with print order options makes it easy.

        • Marie

          My question is more…does this really qualify as “personal use,” though? If they’re not going to display the prints in their own home, or give them as gifts to their close friends and family? The couple owns the rights, not all 150 guests from the wedding.

          • Eenie

            The way ours was written means anything that isn’t for profit or recognition. So a contest or selling the prints was off limits. We had unlimited use on social media as well as long as it was credited.

        • Ashlah

          I guess it’s mostly the wording of it that bothers me! To be fair, I didn’t order prints from our photographer either, and don’t plan to. But it just seems weird to straight up say, “You could support our photographer, but really you should get this cheaper option!” I don’t know, I’m curious to hear others’ thoughts!

          • Marie

            Yes, this is exactly my thinking!

    • Eenie

      From what I know most photography business models don’t rely on profit from prints. We have the rights to use the photos for personally printing. Doesn’t rub me the wrong way.

      • Marie

        Yeah, I definitely agree on the couple using the rights to get their own prints elsewhere, or even prints that they personally want to give as gifts…I mean, they paid for the rights. But it was the multiple Facebook posts with all their guests tagged telling everyone specifically to undercut the photographer that squicked me out.

        • Eenie

          Oh I was thinking about in an email. Social media blasting it seems crass.

    • Alexandra

      Oh…we didn’t use this wording, but this is exactly what we did. But we didn’t tell our guests about it, assuming nobody would care about our wedding pictures. We just shared the snapfish account with our relatives. We had checked beforehand with our photographer, though, and she had given us the ok on doing that, explaining that her fee included the copyright to the pictures or something like that. We can’t publish the pictures to anything without our photographer’s permission, but snapfish was ok (it was in the contract).

    • Amy March

      Isn’t this the entire point of paying for the rights to the photos?

      • Marie

        I thought personal use was the point.

  • raccooncity

    As an adult, I have decided to declare this 6″ sour cherry pie I just bought as “personal size”.

    • Lisa

      Pie is the perfect food because it can be eaten as dessert or breakfast or dinner or lunch or snack.

      • raccooncity

        Oh, i’m fully #teampie

      • Yup!

    • Sparkles

      Fruit pie is like a fruit side dish. So much fruit. So much fiber. You do it.

      • Cellistec

        Also, cherries have antioxidants, right? So it’s like a smoothie in solid form.

    • Totch

      I support you, and also may join you.

    • Violet

      What’s that line? “Any pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard enough.” Same thing for pies. You just gotta want it bad enough, and glory will be yours!

    • JC

      I’m of the opinion that any pie is a personal pie until someone else comes along and ruins it.

    • BSM

      I’m not even sure how you would really share that with someone… 6″> seems like it should default to being a personal pie. And now I want pie. And your veins.

      • Cellistec

        +100 for uniting two completely different threads in one compliment.

        • Totch

          I love this place.

    • Eenie

      I saw this post on facebook about how being an adult means you have the ability to buy a whole cake and eat it in the same day OR not eat it all because it’s your damn cake and you can eat it for the next three meals if you want. Choices man. Adulthood is all about the choices.

      ETA – Obviously supporting your personal pie choice. But it sounds like a really great breakfast option too…

  • Marie

    Someone who I thought was one of my best friends got married a few weeks ago, and she was absolutely horrible to everyone around her throughout the process. I’ll spare you all the details, but she ended up taking advantage of a LOT of people, being very unkind to all her friends and family, and scheming and lying pretty horrendously in order to get all the luxuries she wanted for her perfect day without having to…y’know…pay for it. I bit my tongue through the whole process, even as she extracted $300 from me to pay for her dream ceremony musicians and almost cheated my in-laws out of over $500 that they were owed for the rehearsal dinner, all because I knew I couldn’t ruin her wedding for her. I couldn’t be “that person” who causes a big stink and ruins her special day. I comforted myself by saying “As soon as this wedding is over, then so is this friendship, and I will never have to speak to her again!”

    Well, now the wedding is over, and I’m not actually sure I want the friendship to be. I get very attached to people, and deep down, in my heart of hearts, I don’t actually want to write her off and never talk to her again. But I also don’t think I can handle being her friend without talking to her about all the people she’s hurt, and the consequences of her actions. And that will be a very…complicated conversation. Any tips?

    • Marie

      Oh, by the way, when I say she “almost” cheated my in-laws, I don’t want to give the impression that her conscience got the best of her and she decided to do the right thing. Her father in law found out what she was doing and took it upon himself to pay the difference. Her intention was always to cheat them.

    • raccooncity

      So, i think in this case details of the story sort of do matter – like should she be expected to make amends? i.e. pay you back?

      At any rate, you can tell her exactly what you said here, but she will probably not be happy about it. I expect at some point you’ll have to either accept that your friendship to her has costs to you and be ok with it, truly, (and keep in mind this will likely get MUCH WORSE if she has kids. No one becomes a less self-centred while gestating their first child) or you’ll have to move on. Either option is ok if you choose it, but I wouldn’t hold my breath for her to become super self aware all of a sudden.

      That said, if you decide to move on, it’ll have been very important to your conscience as a good friend that you told her why, so definitely tell her how you felt during her wedding process.

      • raccooncity

        Also: random side-note, who you’re friends with is your business, but my husband is like you and doesn’t like to say no to friends and will do ANYTHING for them. We’ve given money and MANY MANY saturdays to friends if they ask. Often (in his case) for people who don’t reciprocate. It’s his business but when it’s OUR time and OUR money i get real fed up. If you have a partner who is annoyed you gave hundreds of dollars to a scamm-y friend, you might want to see if they (your partner) is ok with that. They might appreciate the chance to let you know.

        • Marie

          He’s not really upset about the money, especially since his parents, at least, did get paid in the end. Good point, though, that I should make sure he’s ok with it (and see if he wants any particular boundaries with her and our money in the future) before I talk to her.

      • Marie

        No, I’m not expecting her to pay me back or anything. I just want to know that SHE knows the things she did and said (to me, to my husband, to my in-laws, to HER in-laws, to her mom, to her grandpa, to our other best friend, to our other best friend’s 6-year-old, etc.) are not ok.

        Some of the things she did are so staggering that, if I didn’t know better, I’d assume she was a sociopath. But I do know better. I know that she views herself as a person who cares about other people and tries to do the right thing. There’s a huge disconnect there, and I want her to acknowledge it, and to be sorry.

        • Greta

          This is pretty difficult – wanting someone else to feel bad for their actions. You can’t force another person to have certain feelings, all you can do is express how you were hurt, and maybe how other people were hurt. Either she’ll see that and apologize, or she’ll deny/deflect/rationalize it.

          You say that she lied and schemed to get what wedding luxuries without having to pay for them – to me that says that she knowingly cheated people in order to get what she wanted. She felt that she deserved or was entitled to certain things for free, or at the cost of her friends, because it was her wedding. This sounds like a person who did what she did with full knowledge and little guilt or conscience about it. This is not a situation of “I said a hurtful thing in the moment because I was stressed” I’m not sure you’re going to get anything positive out of a person who is willing to do this. Please think about what you’re willing to continue to give this person emotionally, and protect yourself and your feelings!

          • Eenie

            I think there’s still some room to see if her opinion has changed post wedding. I wouldn’t take it to the bank, but she may feel some guilt or resentment. There may be enough there to rebuild the friendship, but I would tread carefully. I think it’s fine to decide to wait a couple more months before building these huge boundaries or ending the friendship completely.

    • Cellistec

      Would it help to take a friendship hiatus for a few months, until the post-wedding stuff dies down, and see if she’s less awful by then? (I know it’s probably too easy to blame the wedding stress for her monstrous behavior, but the benefit of the doubt is underrated.) And with the wedding farther in the past, maybe she’ll have the benefit of perspective. And maybe your emotions will have cooled down, though I’m not trying to minimize them. No advice from me on exactly what to say, but going to your respective corners for a bit may help first.

    • Poppy

      There are a lot of possibilities besides stay friends or cut her out of your life. I see two additional options here: either you let the friendship fade a little bit in order to get some distance and reassess (hoping she grows up a little in the meantime which is unlikely), or you maintain the friendship and draw some SERIOUS boundaries for yourself going forward. I’m talking no more giving her money for anything, no matter what it would ruin in her life, declining to participate in any more events that might put your resources or well-being under pressure, whatever else you need to do to protect yourself. If she does this to you again, it’ll be up to you to politely refuse and stand your ground. She has shown you something important about who she is and to paraphrase the saying, you need to believe her. For whatever reason, she has failed to perceive her own actions the way you do. If you still value some parts of your friendship with her, all you can do to adjust your behavior accordingly.

    • Amy March

      I don’t think it is even a little bit appropriate for you to take on her behavior with everyone. You could have said no!!! Why on earth didn’t you? I think if you want to bring up “hey, I kinda felt like you bullied me into paying for this” that’s a legit conversation, but not everyone else (who also could have enforced their own boundaries).

      • Marie

        She had already successfully bullied someone else into paying it. I paid to save that person from having to. It’s a very long story, but trust that her initial bullying of that other person into paying it was super unacceptable. I do not regret coming to that person’s rescue.

        The reason my in-laws didn’t cancel the dinner when it came out that the bride intended to trick her father in law into paying them $500 less than what was owed was BECAUSE of her friendship with me. Any other customer wouldn’t have had the same special treatment. So that comes back to me too.

        And the stuff she did to others didn’t require their consent. those were just horrible and mean things she said/did to them. When you’re blindsided by a friend disciplining your child, or your daughter suggesting your father’s life is less important than her wedding dress shopping trip…they didn’t LET her do any of those things. She just did them.

  • BSM

    UGH. Need to vent.

    Husband and I are going to start TTC in the fall, so we met with my OB/GYN last week to ask some questions and have some pre-tests done. I’m sooooo bad at having blood drawn (tiny little veins that are hard to find –> getting stabbed a million times by impatient lab techs –> me crying), but I sucked it up and went downstairs to the lab right after my appointment to get it over with. Yay me.

    A week later, my results seem to be taking kind of a long time, so I call the office to see what the hold up is. For some unknown reason, they actually didn’t do ANY OF THE TESTS that had been ordered. Just drew my blood and threw it away or something?!? And now I have to wait for them to re-order the tests, take time out of my schedule to go back to the lab, and have blood drawn AGAIN, which I fucking hate.

    Why can seemingly no one do their jobs without me following up endlessly? And when they mess up, does it disrupt their lives at all? Nope! Just mine!

    Wah.

    • raccooncity

      Get ready girl, they do it at basically every appointment for the first while once you’re pregnant.

      • raccooncity

        Although obviously here’s hoping they only need to do each one time. Admin problems are the WORST.

      • BSM

        Nooooooo

        Maybe I’m not ready to have kids because I’m actually still a huge baby about this lol?

        • raccooncity

          At least if you’re actually pregnant there’s sort of a positive reason for doing it….But yeah, I did three vials yesterday at my midwife (my 5th or 6th since being pregnant, and I didn’t have any fertility problems).

          Since a blood-donation pass-out incident I’ve had a lot of anxiety about even giving little amounts of blood, but the sheer number of times i’ve had to do it over the past 3 months have made it a little less of an event for me.

          I sincerely hope you are forced to give blood samples many, many times starting after the fall! :)

          • raccooncity

            Oooh- also, i find if I tell the person taking it that it makes me nervous, they try to talk about random other stuff which helps me. I’ve even asked for that before, although not as much now.

          • BSM

            I also had a blood-donation pass out incident a few years ago, which I think was what really kicked off a lot of this trouble for me.

            Yeah, I always warn the techs now that I hate having blood drawn and that I need to lie down, and most have been really receptive and also try to chat me up, which helps. Still, blech. Hate.

          • raccooncity

            It’s such a weird thing to have happen because to the nurses at the blood donation place it’s hardly a big deal at all, but in your body it feels like death. I felt a little better one time when a random blood tech told me someone with my weight (i.e. extremely thin) had no business giving blood and explained to me that the amount for a sample was much smaller. So now that I have a “reason” in my head that it happened, I feel reassured.

          • BSM

            Same! They were like your veins + your weight + being AB positive = don’t bother. I feel much less guilty now.

          • Lisa

            My mother, bless her, despite her tiny veins used to donate regularly when I was younger because she’s O-. I’m O+ so I feel like my blood is less special than hers.

          • Emily

            I do this too… I also talk about random stuff.

        • Sarah McClelland

          I thought the same thing… We’re talking about TTC in the new year so I’m a little overwhelmed by all the test talk.

      • emilyg25

        I feel like they only did it twice, once in the beginning to test for STDs and rH factor and once toward the middle for gestational diabetes.

        • raccooncity

          I had it once for pregnancy confirmation/rH (so that one might be optional if you know your blood type already), STD testing of various kinds, and a the prenatal screening that we get provincially here (although it IS optional, as is everything else). those tests require a total of 6 vials at 4 different appointments.

          Although i’ve read that it’s common not to test for gestational diabetes here unless you have a certain number of risk factors present and I have zero, so maybe I’ll get lucky on that front.

      • TeaforTwo

        I think that depends on who your healthcare provider is. I have had blood drawn exactly once, for my gestational diabetes screening. They also checked my iron that day, but it was all one blood draw.

        I didn’t need an RH test because I know my blood type, there are other ways to confirm pregnancy, and I didn’t want the integrated prenatal screening, so that’s been it for me. I think with OBs instead of midwives there might have been more pressure to do more testing, but no one can ever take your blood without your permission!

        • raccooncity

          I have a midwife – she’s great about letting me choose what I want to do, but the rH testing was pretty mandatory since I didn’t know my blood type. But otherwise, yes, I could have turned down all of the testing. It’s totally up to each person based on their needs. For example, as I mentioned, i don’t think I’ll need the diabetes screen, but I really wanted to know about some of the trisomies tested in the prenatal screen. The STI testing here goes to public health and I happen to be a health researcher so I have to admit I felt some professional obligation.

          • TeaforTwo

            Out of curiosity, was your STI testing a blood draw? I was really pleasantly surprised that they offered me a urine test for that.

            I should clarify that I have no beef with any of the testing – only with the way that pregnant women are spoken to a lot of the time, and in turn, how that gets internalized. I declined both of the standard ultrasounds, and most pregnant women who find that out say “are you allowed to do that?!”

            My point here was only that if BSM doesn’t like having her blood drawn, she doesn’t necessarily have to get ready for lots more blood draws…I think it’s always worth talking to your healthcare provider about what kind of information a test will yield, and what you can do about what you find out to decide whether or not it’s worthwhile.

          • raccooncity

            It was an HIV test, primarily, so yes. I think on the other STIs she just took my word for it that I’d had a recent physical and/or that I didn’t have symptoms. I feel pretty confident that I don’t have HIV, but I see the point in the test because transmission to baby is preventable if you know in advance, but often people don’t. I definitely also googled the illnesses that the prenatal screen was screening for and wanted to know if there was a chance the baby had at least some of them, and would have gone onto having further tests if it was indicated, so it made sense for me.

            I get what you’re saying, though. I still eat sushi on the reg – i just stick to salmon now. Screw other people making decisions about my life.

    • Ashlah

      Ugh, I’m sorry! The sample from my pap smear was lost once, so I had to go back and do another one of those! Fortunately for them, I’m not too bothered by pap smears so it couldn’t have happened to a better person, but I couldn’t believe it. Mistakes happen, but it sucks every time. Good luck with your next blood draw! Drink lots of water!

      • BSM

        Ugh, pap smears… That would have also been bad haha

    • Emily

      I’m so sorry- I hate having blood drawn too. Someone once suggested to me that instead of attempting to be calm I think about something that makes me angry. The idea is that it would help increase blood pressure which would help them get blood out. I have no idea if there is any science behind this, but I have learned that I feel much better when I do this. Good luck.

      • BSM

        Thanks for the solidarity. I’ll try your method and report back! I’m thinking it would be too hard to be pissed because I’ll be having blood drawn AGAIN. Blah.

    • Lisa

      Ugh, I’m really sorry. I have tiny veins, too, (thanks, Mom) and a ton of troubles getting IVs stuck or blood drawn. Usually they have to use pediatric needles on me to avoid sticking as many times, and I’ve never given blood for these reasons. This would frustrate me, too!

      • raccooncity

        Tiny veins sounds like the worst!!! It never even occurred to me that veins were different sizes.

        • Lisa

          It’s awful! There’s a special kind of pain when someone goes “digging” around in your arm, trying to hit a vein. I remember, when my mom had her hysterectomy, she had these gigantic bruises all over her arms from where the nurses had accidentally pierced veins. Not to mention all of the guilt I used to get from bloodmobile people in high school and on my college campus because I didn’t want to subject myself to them. (I’d love to donate, but those bloodmobiles tend to use larger needles and not very well-trained techs, which would be a disastrous combo for me.)

          • raccooncity

            Terrible! Not to brag or anything, but I have been complimented by literally TENS OF MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS about my gorgeous veins.

          • BSM

            I’M SO JEALOUS OF YOUR MODEL VEINS

          • raccooncity

            Fact. I literally modelled my veins for doctors learning vascular ultrasound once. It was for your benefit though! the doctors were learning how to ultrasound veins to help them get in the veins the first time.

          • Lisa

            So lucky! My doctor friend told me they learn how to draw blood by practicing on one another, and I said, “Welp, there’s one career path that is completely closed to me! No way am I getting voluntarily stuck.”

          • Eenie

            The only thing worse than not having great veins is having GREAT LOOKING VEINS. They fool everyone. Gorgeous is a word often thrown around, and then I leave looking like a pin cushion because the proper word to describe them is slippery. I have one vein on one arm that all blood work is done from. I once let a nurse talk me out of my choice vein and two hours into the donation she was apologizing profusely. Never again do I listen to other people.

          • raccooncity

            Your veins are liars!

          • BSM

            Oh man, that IS worse! I also have exactly one vein that can be relied upon. I got freaked out a couple years ago though because one lab tech told me it could build up scar tissue from being used too much. I asked my doctor about it, and she said not to worry about it, but I’m still nervous…

          • Eenie

            I believe this is what a lab tech was explaining to me last time I had blood drawn that caused me to pass out. I hadn’t passed out in YEARS, and she was pissed.

          • Jennifer

            I am exactly like this too. Except all m other veins besides the one are teeny tiny. It’s deceptive.

          • Carolyn S

            Ha – I used to love donating blood because I have a very low resting heart rate and great veins so I would get a lot of compliments about those things which you just not get anywhere else :D. “why thank you! I do have great veins!”

          • Lindsay

            It does sound super weird, but as a nurse I tell people they have great veins all the time! We love good veins :)

          • CommaChick

            Yes. I always feel creeped out because I feel like the people drawing blood are hitting on my veins. “Nice veins you have there.” Um, thanks?

          • Sarah McClelland

            Haha me too! It helps that I’m Irish pale with see-through skin and big veins.

          • BSM

            Yep! The bloodmobile at college was exactly what happened to me!

      • BSM

        This is my problem too! I also request pediatric needles; glad to know there is someone else out there with the same issue :)*

        When I had my blood-donation pass out, it was actually because they’d used a regular sized needle which kept getting “stuck” on the wall of my tiny baby vein. So instead of sucking up blood, it was just sucking on like nothing. Anyways, I’m usually fine if they can get the first or second stick to work, but when we get up to the 4th or 5th, I start panicking a little. When I had my wisdom teeth out in high school, they actually had to resort to a vein in my foot to put me under because they couldn’t find any in my arms after like 8 tries. Fun!

        *Although, of course, I’m sorry you have to deal with this too! It sucks.

    • emilyg25

      Do you have a pre-existing condition? (No need to answer here.) For most women, a “pre-conception visit” is just a chance for you to ask questions and them to tell you to start pre-natals.

      • Ashlah

        My doc went ahead and did the rubella test, but I’m not sure how common that is pre-conception.

      • Mine coincided with my physical, so my doctor did my workup as well, but yeah, basically. :-)

      • BSM

        I do not. My doctor said she prefers to check on a few vaccinations (I believe rubella and chicken pox are the two she mentioned) as well as vitamin D levels in addition to sending out for a check on genetic predispositions for a bunch of things (through something called Counsyl). I am actually a little curious about the chicken pox thing because I was vaccinated when I was about 7 and again a second time, but I’m not sure if that’s sufficient given that I’ve never had da pox.

        Like I said, I’m not so much worried about what the tests will turn up vs. annoyed I went through the whole thing of getting blood drawn when I really don’t like it.

  • toomanybooks

    Oh boy.
    My uncle died early this week, before his time and in a particularly sad way. I was totally blindsided. The funeral is next week, and to attend, starting this weekend, I am taking a 10+ hour car trip with my family (and my dad is consistently a carsick-inducing driver) to a kind of depressing little town, most likely (bc no one has actually confirmed this for me yet, thank you) staying in my aunt and grandmother’s little house, which does not have wifi and which makes my skin break out in hives every time I visit. I’m missing a bunch of work, which is stressing me out. My fiancée offered to go with me but I don’t see how we can do that with the current setup (it’s been hard to try making alternative plans because it’s been hard getting actual information from my family about what the plans are in the first place). Oh, and this is the grandmother who doesn’t know I’m gay, let alone engaged, so I don’t know how that would work. The family lied to my grandmother about how my uncle died to soften the blow; it doesn’t seem like an opening for me to tell the truth about my relationship. (I’ll note that for anyone other than my sole remaining grandparent, I don’t hide my relationship.)

    Honestly, I really wish I could skip out on all of this because I think it’s going to be the saddest week I’ve ever had. But I can’t skip my uncle’s funeral. How do I get through this? How do I get through 20 nauseous hours on the road? How do I get through a place where it’s hard enough for me to be anyway, without the added bonus of everyone suffering through a tragedy? How do I do it? How can I keep myself occupied through this?

    • Eenie

      I’m so sorry. I have no advice to help with the pain, but I get carsick when my dad drives so I drive instead. Less puke means everyone is happier in the car.

    • JC

      I am so, so, so sorry. What an awful set of circumstances, with what sounds like more stress and pain to come. I can only give you internet hugs for all the emotions tied up in this, but for the one practical piece of advice, I think you really need to find someplace else to stay. I know it’s hard to get info out of your family to make this happen, but if your body can’t handle being in that environment (and hives are MISERABLE), then there’s no way your mind can handle the situation with the kind of self-compassion you deserve. Find somewhere else, just for the nights, with sheets that don’t make you itch.

    • Cellistec

      I’m so sorry about your uncle, and your clueless grandmother, and your car ride from hell. My only advice is Dramamine (it works, but does make you sleepy) and audiobooks. I just finished “Nerd Do Well” by Simon Pegg and it was plenty distracting from reality.

    • Violet

      I am so sorry for your uncle’s death. Emotionally, I don’t think there’s an answer how to get through it, other than minute at a time. Practically, I’ll throw out some suggestions that may or may not work, depending on your situations:
      – agree with Eenie; see if you can drive
      – if not, any other way to get to said town (plane, train) even if you don’t travel with your family?
      – can you tell your grandmohter your fiance is a friend who is with you for support furing this emotional time?
      – pack Benadryl or some other antihistamine in advance
      – since no Wifi, download some podcasts or tv shows now so you can watch on your laptop
      – plan something relaxing for when you get back, or leave a treat for yourself at your office to find when you return

      • Eenie

        All of this – I assumed you were driving because there were no other options for traveling. This seems like the time to spend some money on a plane/train ticket if you can swing it.

  • Hey friends, can you keep a secret????

    We’re expecting! I’m 9 weeks along now and we finally got to see Baby Pi on the ultrasound. I’d been a little nervous but now that I’ve seen my baby, I’m relaxing a bit. I’m also having all the pregnant lady symptoms (yay?) – seems like every week I want something different to eat and I get a new symptom, this week it was hot dogs and heartburn. Ok, gonna go eat now :-)

    • Lawyerette510

      Congratulations!!!!

    • raccooncity

      Congrats!

    • Lisa

      OMG, that’s so exciting!!! Congratulations on Baby Pi!!

    • BSM

      Congratulations!!!

    • Eenie

      Ahhh! I was wondering if you had any luck! Congrats :)

      • Third month was the charm! Apparently my worry that I’d never get pregnant was all for naught :-)

    • Jessica

      Congratulations!!

    • Notreallytrevor

      Congratulations! Eat much and weirdly

      • Griseldarrobinson1

        “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!ti380ur

        two days ago grey McLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !ti380u:➽:➽:.➽.➽.➽.➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsTagGetPay$98Hour…. .★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★::::::!ti380o….,

      • Katiedortega2

        “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!tr153ur

        two days ago grey McLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !tr153u:➽:➽:.➽.➽.➽.➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsActivesGetPay$98Hour…. .★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★::::::!tr153o….

    • KK

      Congrats!!! Oh man, if you were a couple more weeks along, I’d have to ask if you conceived on Pi Day! Is that too private of a question? :)

      • It was actually our wedding day! But it did happen shortly after, I think it was my husband’s birthday celebration that made the magic happen.

        • raccooncity

          I’m looking at my mini-pie in a whole new light now.

        • Totch

          Congratulations! And just think of how much fun you’ll have when the babe is older and you get to tease about dad’s birthday being the conception day!!

          Traumatizing children is fun.

          • Alanna Cartier

            I was conceived on my parent’s first weekend away from my older sister, and I think that’s hilarious.

          • Lisa

            I was apparently the first one to point out to my husband that, given when his due date was (he was almost a month early), it probably meant that he was conceived on or around his dad’s birthday. The look of horror I got was priceless.

    • emilyg25

      Pregnancy left me with a deep and abiding love of pickles. Such a cliche! Congratulations!!

      • One day I came home and ate half the jar of pickles that was in fridge. My husband saw it, looked at me, and said “you’re pregnant, go take a test.” LOL

    • Ashlah

      Hooray!! Congratulations!!

    • Unhip in Brooklyn

      Mazel tov! That’s wonderful news for you guys!!!

    • Eileen

      Oh gosh, ALL THE SYMPTOMS, they can get so weird (nosebleeds WHILE vomiting?! for example). Congratulations!

    • Nm

      Congrats!!

    • rg223

      Aww congrats!

    • AGCourtney

      Congrats!!!!

      • Kimberlyjnatividad2

        “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!ti720ur

        two days ago grey McLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !ti720u:➽:➽:.➽.➽.➽.➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsNovaGetPay$98Hour…. .★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★::::::!ti720o….,.

    • Sosuli

      Baby Pi!!! Congratulations. :)

    • Nike

      Congratulations!!!! :D

      • Nancygspruill4

        “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!ti51u

        two days ago grey McLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !ti51u:➽:➽:.➽.➽.➽.➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsActiveGetPay$98Hour…. .★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★::::::!ti51o….,..

  • doublegus

    We’re officially moving to Seattle! And now I hope we can afford to live there! Anyone know any realtors who would help with finding a rental or a less painful way to find one all the way across the country? Also, I can finally nurse my 6 week old pain-free thanks to a now fixed lip tie. Breastfeeding has been so hard, people.

    • Cellistec

      Congrats from a Seattleite! Maybe Airbnb until you get your bearings and find a rental you like?

      • doublegus

        We’re hoping to move and at least stay put for a little while since we have a baby. And I thought moving with pets was hard.

    • emilyg25

      High five on the breastfeeding! It is so hard.

      • doublegus

        At least each session doesn’t last an hour or more now. I was *this close* to giving up.

    • Greta

      yay Seattle! You’ll love it here! No tips on the rental market – it’s craziness right now – best to move here first and then dive in to finding something, or sign a short-term lease in a more expensive newer building until you get your bearings straight and figure out where you want to live.

    • Mary Jo TC

      Lip tie and painful breastfeeding solidarity fist bump. I’m at 8 weeks and only just now getting to nurse half the time and pump half the time. We had a tongue and lip tie, then 3 rounds of treatment for thrush. Good luck with your move!

      • doublegus

        Thanks! I can’t imagine dealing with thrush, too.

    • Eh

      I am glad you got the lip tie fixed! My daughter had a lip tie and a tongue tie and tat were fixed at 3 weeks. My daughter is almost 10 months are we are still going strong.

      • doublegus

        The annoying part is that I saw several lactation consultants and no one mentioned it. And my daughter’s pediatrician doesn’t think lip ties exist. I should have whipped out my breast to show her what it can do to a nipple.

        • Eh

          I feel your pain. The nurses and doctors at the hospital when my daughter was born saw that my daughter had a tongue tie and did nothing about it because the nurse observing us said that my daughter could latch (lactation consultant that saw us at a week said we should not have been discharged until it was fixed and they should have done a transfer test to make sure my daughter could eat). At four days old she was screaming all night from hunger and my nipples were torn to shreds. Saw the doctor who wanted her assessed by a lactation consultant before the tongue tie was clipped. The lactation consultant got us back on track and mentioned she had a bad tongue tie and a bad lip tie. Our Doctor does not do anything for lip ties. So tongue tie was clipped and my daughter could finally suck but was sucking in tons of air and had horrible gas pain. We were able to get into a dentist that revises tongue and lip ties the next week (which is a miracle because he normally has a two week wait).

          • AGCourtney

            Oh my goodness, WHAT. Our doctor realized our daughter had a tongue tie about fifteen minutes into her life and snipped it right away. My right nipple hurt like $#* for a few days just from that one initial nursing session. I’m so sorry for both you and doublegus. D:

          • Eh

            The doctor and nurses knew about the problem right away but decided to take a wait and see approach (which my lactation consultant said was a bad idea). My nipples did not hurt until after we were discharged. if we have another baby I will know to insist on having it fixed right away. I will also ask to see a lactation consultant as soon as possible. The hospital I delivered at does not have one on staff. We are planning on having any future babies at a different hospital – unrelated to the treatment of the tongue tie. We live 30 mins from that hospital when there isn’t traffic and I was only in labour for 3 hours so we are going to go to a hospital that is 10 mins away. A happy bonus is that they have lactation consultants on staff.

          • doublegus

            The lactation consultant we saw outside of the hospital has been a saint. The one in the hospital? Not so much. We were also told all of the nurses had lactation training, but every single one had different advice for nursing. It was insane.

          • Eh

            All the nurses in the moms and baby unit at the hospital had lactation training too but it was not enough (the one thought my daughter’s tongue tie was cute because it made her tongue heart-shaped). I have heard good things about the lactation consultants at the other hospital. Some friends have delivered there and had good experiences (they even have free breast feeding clinics for women who delivered at the hospital every day). I have to have surgery at that hospital in a few weeks and I am going to see if I can see a lactation consultant while I am there (to discuss a pumping schedule as I normally only pump while at work). If I don’t like the lactation consultants there at least I know one I can see privately that I like.

          • AGCourtney

            Wow, that’s frustrating. At least you know you have better options, should you need them.

          • doublegus

            I had a similar experience in the hospital. I was told her latch looks great and that some babies scream a lot. She was hungry. And my nipples were blistered. She ended becoming too jaundiced and needed to be under the lights for two days as a result.

    • Louise

      Welcome to Seattle! Are you moving soon? Summer in Seattle is the BEST. I’m not going to lie, the rental market is insane, but I agree with someone else who said you should move here with a temporary plan and look around once you’re here. The rental market is pretty crazy, but we really only looked for one weekend last summer and got the only apartment we applied for. Buying a house is another story, so if that’s your plan, definitely give yourself a longer window. It’s a long, narrow city, and the neighborhoods have different mini-cultures. Traffic can be really awful, so I would definitely recommend trying to find a place near where you’re working or scoping out public transport options. I’m happy to email about neighborhoods, etc., if you need a local perspective. Good luck with your move!

      • doublegus

        My partner’s job starts in August, so we’ll be moving at the end of July. We don’t plan on buying right away, since we’d like to decide on a neighborhood first. The job is downtown and in Northgate, so we’re looking at options to the west of those with easy access to both.

        • Louise

          That’s a great time to get to know Seattle! If I were you, I’d look in Phinney Ridge, Greenlake or Greenwood. All are super family-friendly; Greenwood is most affordable of all of those and still has great walkability and access to 99 and I-5 a little further. Good luck with your move!

    • the cupboard under the stairs

      Gonna echo what a couple of people have already said about Seattle: the rental market is absolutely ridiculous. Last time around, I remember contacting about 100 landlords over Craigslist and hearing back from…a handful? My recommendation is to get a nice Airbnb when you get there, throw everything you don’t need immediately in storage, and then start hunting.

  • Lawyerette510

    So I’m really struggling with my husband’s continued unemployment. While I know that financially we are not where we’d like to be but still ok (thank goodness we started using YNAB about 4 months before he was fired so we had our arms around the cost of our lives); I’m really struggling with feeling resentful that he is not working while I am. Yes he is working on getting into coding bootcamps, but he is having to do lots of self-education and ultimately he is in charge of his own days and even the choice to go to bootcamp while I have to be working every day. Even though I like my job, I have been feeling a little burned out. Anyone gone through being the (unexpectedly/ unintentionally) the single-earner and how do you navigate the negative feelings associated with it?

    • Lisa

      Is there any way that he can take on more of the housework in addition to his coding lessons while he’s unemployed? Not quite the same, but my husband is a student, and it helps that he does a majority of the cooking and general running of our household while I’m working. It helps me to focus on how he’s keeping our lives together in this one way while I’m doing it in another.

      I hope he’s able to find employment soon though. I’m worried what our own employment situations will be like this time next year, and I know it would be difficult on me to be the unemployed one while my spouse was working.

      • Lawyerette510

        Thanks for the perspective. I think I need to talk to him about taking on more of the emotional labor/ proactively running the household to a standard that works for both of us, instead of what he’s doing now which is more task oriented.

    • Eenie

      I’m on the other side of this currently and dealing with the guilt of not working. I think it’s fine to have negative feelings. Is there anything your husband can do to help with the burn out that he isn’t already doing? I would simply ask him to do those things (cook dinner, do laundry, grocery shop, pack your lunch, etc.). If you phrased it as such: “I’m really struggling with your unemployment and feeling burnt out. I know neither of us chose the current situation, but I’m getting really frustrated and I think it would help if you could completely take over cooking dinner on Mondays. Not for forever, but I think it would help me not feel so burnt out when I leave for work everyday.” I’m a very direct person though, YMMV. I’d want my husband to tell me he’s burnt out.

      • Lawyerette510

        I have shared with him how I’m feeling, and that did help some. He is doing a lot, but part of the struggle is that while there are some things he is very good at (laundry, pet care, dishes), he sucks at the emotional labor of noticing what needs to be done around the house or what should be purchased when grocery shopping. For example, he eats a peanut butter sandwich, string cheese and an apple for lunch most days while I eat either left overs or salad, he knows this, but if he doesn’t have a grocery list that includes the basic building blocks for a salad, then he doesn’t buy those things. If I’m going to the store, I automatically check the stock of string cheese, bread, peanut butter and apples to see if there’s enough for him. As I write this, I realize that I need to talk to him about how I’m feeling about the emotional labor/ proactively looking out for me. Thank you.

        • Eenie

          Someone can be doing a lot and not doing the right things at the same time. Good luck! It’s hard. Hope your husband finds something soon :)

        • Emily

          I realize this is still emotional labor… but what if you made a template grocery list? Something for him to check (do we have tomatoes?) before he goes to the store. I say this because I am the one who never knows what to buy at the store. My husband often makes the list for me and that helps tremendously.

          • Lawyerette510

            I like this idea. I already have a fridge inventory, and we could use that as a jumping-off point for the shopping template.

          • Lisa

            I think there’s even an app for this that you can sync up. (Sorry, I don’t remember what it’s called. Something about milk maybe?) You can put in the app all of the items you do have in your pantry and cross them out/add them to a grocery list inside the app when they get low. Maybe something like that would help?

          • AP

            Anylist is the one we use, and it was a huge game-changer for us!

          • Lexipedia

            Yes! I think it’s Remember the Milk. I also like shared Evernote notes, it means that we can each think of house tasks (more than just groceries) and add them to shared notes so that the other person can see them when they have time. I am the primary weekly meal planner, grocery shopping organizer, and SO helps carry and push the cart. But there is a different grocery store and a bigger liquor store on his way home from work, so I have a separate list just for those places and he will pick things up when he walks by so we don’t need to make two trips. I feel like the shared lists minimize frustrations I might feel about having to remind him to do things when they really need to get done, or me feeling guilty when I forget to do my own things. There is just a digital list that we add things to independently. Today the list includes a couple of grocery items, but also a “pants to dry cleaners” note.

            Also, if you’re in the US, have you tried Prime Pantry? It’s great, and we get lots of the big heavy things automatically delivered to us once a month. We can survive without milk or apples for a couple of days, but if we run out of toilet paper or oreos… apocalypse. Love Prime Pantry.

    • AmandaBee

      We’re a year into this and also wedding planning. I’m also finishing my PhD while working so I feel you SO much in the burnout front.

      Definitely talk about the burnout with your husband, and what he could do to help. Mine has picked up a lot more chores and errands so I don’t stress as much about household stuff. What else could he pick up?

      You mention emotional labor, and this is something we had really intentional conversations about. He needed to understand how much invisible labor I was doing, and I needed to let him take on some of that I’m his own way. Actually,i f anything, this has probably been the upside to his unemployment – we’re still working on it, buy we’re so much more equal than we were before. In large part because I have no f*cks left to give, so he can sort of run the show where I didn’t always leave space to before.

      Also, it helps to have a nonjudgmental friend to vent to, especially about the stuff you need to let out buy that probably would just make your H feel guilty.

    • Totch

      We’ve been talking about my fiancee taking a part-time job in his desired field, as a way to break in (but without a promise of or timeline for full-time work).

      I don’t have any advice, but thanks for posting this because so much of what you’re experiencing is stuff we’re talking through.

      • Lawyerette510

        I certainly think if we would’ve had time to discuss it beforehand we would’ve been able to talk about some of the things that I’ve been struggling with, not that you can predict everything, but certainly it would have been helpful.

    • Danielle

      I am currently the main earner in our family (husband drastically cut work hours to return to school) and while I was initially blanket-supportive of him, after 8 months of this new setup, I admit to feeling angry and resentful (other life events are contributing to these feelings as well, but money is certainly a major source of it). I tried to “suck it up” for a while, but now I’m expressing my anger to him. I may not be doing it in the best way, however. But expressing my feelings seems better than pushing them down. I figure over time, through talking and honesty and counseling, we will get to a better place. I don’t have any answers, but solidarity. It can be rough.

      • Lawyerette510

        Thanks for the solidarity. I had a full-on sob-fest on the couch when I got home from work Friday and we talked about my feelings and I certainly felt better.

  • Emily

    Here’s an anecdote on the feminist front I’ve been watching this week:

    My husband recently hired two people for short-term temp work at his machine shop. One female and one male, both in the 18-22 range. Husband and I talk about gender stuff all the time, so he is no stranger to it. Unfortunately, what was entry-level work for the man was not entry-level work for the woman… she doesn’t have experience being around machines or understanding how much force is needed to get a piece of plastic put correctly in a tool (seating the plastic but without moving the tool—she used too much force and moved the tool inadvertently). Her hands don’t have the dexterity with tools and she doesn’t know things such as if he motor is smoking, stop!

    After a week, my husband has recommended the man for a full-time position at another shop that he is friends with the owner and the man now has that job. My husband is wiling to keep giving the woman occasional work (not steady) but says that she needs a lot more training.

    And then twenty years down the line we wonder why there aren’t more female machinists… and how can we wide-scale change this in girls’ childhoods? I find myself thinking about the skills that girls and boys are encouraged socially to learn more and more…

    • Louise

      Wow, this is such a great example of how “boy things” and “girl things” in childhood can create lifetime effects in a way that I hadn’t really thought about before. As an early childhood educator and someone who almost studied industrial design in college, but didn’t trust my spatial skills and so chose graphic design, this is really interesting to me. I am a huge fan of the Maker movement and make time for tinkering (even just with recycled plastic, cardboard, etc.– these kids are 3-6), in my classroom, but I hadn’t really thought deeply about how it is a feminist issue (you know, beyond the “anyone can play with legos” sort of way). Thanks for the anecdote.

      • Emily

        I’m glad you appreciate it. I work in a male-dominated field and I experience this often–times when men have learned things in childhood that women didn’t. It often has to do with machines/engines or ways of using the hands and body. I’d love to see more conversation and acknowledgement about it. What you are doing in your classroom sounds great!

  • I am two months out and I am seriously feeling the pressure this week. I feel like I have so much to do and absolutely no time to do it. Seriously, where did May GO?!?!?! Don’t have any plans this weekend and my fiance is out of town for work so I’m hoping to get a lot done. Wish me luck, and also that I don’t have a drunk crying fit of despair. Happy long weekend everyone!

    • Totch

      You should totally have a drunk crying fit of despair! Preferably on the bathroom floor! That’s healthy, right?

      Love,
      A person who watches too much Shondaland.

  • Totch

    Late happy hour update everyone!! One of my students just made my day (and yours too).

    Right now she’s editing a business case for us, which is totally outside my group’s core competencies. She took a look at the work that’d been done and said “Basically none of this is done the way it should be. You asked me to edit and add x. It needs to be rewritten, and needs not just x, but also y and z added in. I can do what you asked me to as a volunteer. I can do what needs to be done, but that crosses the line into paid work.”

    People. PEOPLE. This 19 year old just recognized her worth and her limit and wasn’t afraid to tell me what she needed. Fucking badass.

    • Ashlah

      Go her!! That’s AWESOME.

      • Totch

        Right? I pointed her to a July deadline for partial funding from the university (we’d have to match), and told her what type of students we’d done it for in the past.

        But even if it doesn’t turn into a job, she just set her own boundary for how hard she’d work as a volunteer and I’m so proud.

    • Eenie

      Day made. I hope you told her she handled the situation with the utmost professionalism!

      • Totch

        I did! I took a moment to say that personally, I was proud of her for saying anything and even more proud that she was so clear. She didn’t stumble or talk around it or even ask! She said “this is a volunteer service, that is a paid service.”

        I’m not sure she even gets how commendable that is. But I tried to tell her.

        • Eenie

          She’s going places in life.

          • Totch

            Yeah, she is. And I just have to add that she said “I really like the work you do. I’m really passionate about it. I like volunteering here. But I’d like to do better work for you and be able to dedicate more time to it.”

            Sorry, I’m just so proud right now. I work hard with my students and I’d like to think that at least a little bit of this comes from conversations we’ve had.

          • Eenie

            *fingers crossed she’s a future employee*!

  • Katherine

    After three months of dealing with mysterious pain in my right knee, two months of ineffective physical therapy, an MRI, and finally, a second opinion, I have what seems to be a correct diagnosis: quadricep weakness. My new physician took the time to explain the biomechanics to me and gave me a set of home exercises to do three times a day, and a week later? I can lift my leg without pain and can support my weight on one leg while bending my bad knee. Obviously I’m not fully recovered and that will take time, but to finally make progress with this is a huge deal to me.

    I guess this serves to remind everyone that if you don’t feel your current treatment for what you’re dealing with is working, go get a second opinion! Especially if, thanks to all that physical therapy, you’ve already met your deductible for the year…

    • Totch

      Congratulations!!! Good luck with recovery.

      • Katherine

        Thanks!

  • Poppy

    Bad Bride Poppy here. I still haven’t mustered the energy to got quotes for hair and makeup or day-of coordination. Things have been crazy at work and I’m taking a solo trip out of town this weekend to meet up with friends and unwind.

    We are two and a half months out. Everything will work out even if I don’t micro-manage it, right? Even if we’re way behind those timelines you find online? Related: references for hair and makeup or DOCs in the PNW?

    • Totch

      It’ll all be fine, enjoy your weekend. You deserve it.

      • Poppy

        Thanks Totch <3. It helps to see it in print.

    • Eenie

      Three days won’t make a difference! Put some time on your calendar on Tuesday and enjoy the weekend.

    • Lawyerette510

      The things that need to happen will happen, because you’ll get them done, but it’s a marathon not a sprint, so take care of yourself (such as enjoying your weekend) before you take care of the wedding stuff.

    • Marie

      Yes, everything will work out even if you don’t micro-manage it! :)

    • Sarah McClelland

      Doesn’t make you bad bride. 2.5 months is plenty of time to iron out hair/makeup and DOC! It’ll be amazing no matter what.

    • emilyg25

      My hairdresser flaked on me two weeks before my wedding and I still found someone to do my hair! I did my own makeup. You have time! Enjoy your weekend with friends.

    • April

      I’m positive that the micro managing doesn’t make a huge difference, Take the weekend!

    • AmandaBee

      I am less than 2 months out and just getting around to makeup. Figured if it doesn’t work out I’ll do it myself. You’ll be fine!

    • Lisa

      I didn’t find a make-up artist until two weeks before the wedding. I was planning to go to Sephora, have a consultation, buy make-up, and do it myself, and there came a point where I realized that it wasn’t going to happen so I decided to throw money at the problem. If I can find someone absolutely amazing on Thumbtack two weeks beforehand in Chicago, you will certainly find someone you like!

  • clarkesara

    Shouting into the void: It’s 6:30 PM and I’m still holding down the fort at work just because I’m required to be here till 7, even though NOTHING IS HAPPENING because everyone at every other office in town closed up at noon. BRING FORTH THE THREE DAY WEEKEND!

  • Heather Glover

    “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!ti92ur

    two days ago grey MacLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !ti92u:➽:➽:.➽.➽.➽.➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsTripGetPay-Hour$98…. .★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★::::::!ti92u….,…

  • anon today

    I am late to the party, but I had to share that after several months and several rejected offers, we finally got a house!!! We weren’t the highest bid, but we wrote a letter and the sellers chose US! Trying to buy a house while also trying to get pregnant has probably been the most challenging thing in our marriage yet. We’ve been trying for a baby for almost a year with no luck, and we were already torn between bio kids and adopted kids, so we plan on becoming foster parents as soon as we have a house (our apartment only allows 2 people, so no kids here), which means we can’t move forward on that plan until we get to move forward on the other plan… I realize that wanting a kid and having enough money to buy a house are pretty fortunate problems to have, but anyone (especially the planner, future-focused type) who has tried to do either probably understands why it has been en emotionally trying time… but now!!! We will have a house in late June and we’re already signed up for a foster care info session. And, we won’t be looking at houses this weekend, so we can actually relax! Er, I can actually get the work done that I’ve been slacking on while working on this house thing.

    • Kayjayoh

      Congrats!

  • April

    I haven’t been around a ton lately because of the move but we are finally settled in after a couple of weeks of staying with the future-in laws waiting for our place to be ready.

    I’m a giant ball of stress between moving, house hunting so we can move AGAIN, being a month out from the wedding, of yeah, and did I mention we just moved to a new town? I’ve never lived in a town before and there are bears that are just… around. In town sometimes. I was here for a week and I saw my first bear. It’s VERY neat but also a huge lifestyle change.

    We are also a month out from the wedding and I’m starting to go nuts. When I had a job and a home and I knew where all my stuff was it was no problem. Now i’m not working (ie: lots of jokes about how wedding planning is my full time job right now – THEY AREN’T REALLY JOKES THOUGH BECAUSE I AM DOING IT ALL THE TIME) and every time I want to make a meal it takes me FOREVER to find what I’m looking for. We are technically “house sitting” and it’s very convenient for wanting to move into our own place soon but it’s also left us a month out from the wedding with all of our stuff in boxes, house hunting with an October deadline and down one income.

    And wtf is with all the details?! My god. THE DETAILS. THE NEVER ENDING DETAILS THAT I DON’T CARE ABOUT.

    Bonus: I’m stressed but I don’t feel entitled to BE stressed because, hey! I don’t have a job! I’m basically on vacation! All my time is leisure time! How is it that I was so excited to finally have time for all the art and launching my soap making business (slowly, at the farmers market) and instead I’m wedding planning like 24/7 and feel like I have no time?

    I’ve been a very ranty lady lately.

    • Jessica

      SERIOUSLY. The details that I honestly don’t care about! They worst part is that my boyfriend think I’m upset when I say, “I don’t actually care, doesn’t matter to me”. He gets defensive and frustrated and I’m not making a decision and then I get mad because he won’t make the decision himself. These stupid wedding details are the bane of my existence. So I feel you, sister. And also about it taking FOREVER to organize and sitting in front of your computer for a day feeling you got nothing accomplished…

  • Nancygspruill4

    “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!ti51u

    two days ago grey McLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !ti51u:➽:➽:.➽.➽.➽.➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsActiveGetPay$98Hour…. .★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★::::::!ti51o….,.

  • Anonymous

    Hey all, I’m going to the Beyoncé concert soon with a great group of women, all of us are big fans. Someone suggested we all wear “Ladies lets get in formation” t-shirts. Since most of us are white, would this be inappropriate given the context of the song? Hoping to hear thoughts from this thoughtful community!

  • Griseldarrobinson1

    “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!ti380ur

    two days ago grey McLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !ti380u:➽:➽:.➽.➽.➽.➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsTagGetPay$98Hour…. .★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★::::::!ti380o….

  • Kimberlyjnatividad2

    “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!ti720ur

    two days ago grey McLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !ti720u:➽:➽:.➽.➽.➽.➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsNovaGetPay$98Hour…. .★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★::::::!ti720o….,

  • Katiedortega2

    “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!tr153ur

    two days ago grey McLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !tr153u:➽:➽:.➽.➽.➽.➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsActivesGetPay$98Hour…. .★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★::::::!tr153o…