Before Michael and I moved to California, the holidays were easy. Well, okay, not easy. Our (very big, very extended) families live within a mile radius of each other, and none of our parents are still married (to each other), so Thanksgiving and Christmas have traditionally been a whirlwind of trying to hit four or five houses in under six hours with minimal overlap and as much quality time as we can squeeze in. It always meant a lot of rushing, way too much food, and I would often barely make it past eight o’clock before passing out from sheer exhaustion. But it was a good kind of excess, and if anyone was forgotten or had to be sacrificed during our annual sprint, we always had the promise that we could see them on our next trip home (typically the following month).
Everything changed when we moved. Now that we live clear across the country, Michael and I no longer have the luxury of promising a next month visit to our far-flung family and friends. So the past few years of holiday trips have been comprised of our normal chaos, multiplied to the power of ten, with the added guilt of knowing that we won’t be seeing anyone for at least six months, if we’re lucky. Remember what Lucy said about having complicated feelings about the holidays? I love seeing all of our family, but the perpetual go-go-go-ness of our traditional married holidays was starting to make me cranky.
So this year we decided to own our holidays and flip the script on our normal routine. We maxed out our PTO days and spent an extended Thanksgiving break in Maine, and decided to forgo our annual Christmas trip home for a quiet Christmas in California. After five years of marriage, I just wanted to feel like the holidays belonged to us. That said, while we knew we wanted the holidays to be different this year, we weren’t exactly sure what we were after. So we threw some things at the wall to see what stuck. (I guess this is how traditions are made!) Here’s what worked for us and what didn’t:
Spending Thanksgiving Day Apart (Worked): When it became clear to Michael and me that our immediate families would be serving Thanksgiving dinner at the exact same time, we made the executive decision to split up for Thanksgiving proper. (Or for most of it at least. Michael joined me at my mom’s house for dessert later in the day.) Because we don’t get to see our families of origin as often as we’d like, it was actually kind of nice to be partner-less for a few hours. I got to kick back with my family and be one of the kids (instead of the old married lady), and Michael didn’t have to worry about running around to a dozen different houses to satisfy the needs of all my divorced parents. I felt guilty about the arrangement for a few minutes, but knowing that we’d have Christmas all to ourselves made splitting up for the sake of our families feel like an even trade.
Trying To Make Christmas Happen All At Once (Did Not Work): Since it was Michael’s and my first Christmas together by ourselves (in twelve years, seriously), I wanted to make sure we got off on the right foot. Because that’s how traditions get made, right? All at once? I put a ton of pressure on having the perfect first married holiday, filled with traditions we’ve never done before: our own tree, expensive-ish gifts for each other, and our very own holiday card to send to friends and family. Except, um, all those things cost money. And take time. And me putting a ton of pressure on everything was making the process fun for no one. So we took a step back, negotiated expectations, and decided on taking baby steps toward our eventual married holiday traditions—a tiny Charlie Brown Christmas tree, thoughtful gifts, and a half-assed holiday card that might get to you by Valentine’s Day.
Setting Firmer Family Boundaries (Worked): I usually spend my holidays pinging between houses trying to make everyone around me happy and thinking nothing of my own well-being. But this year my approach to our holiday visit was Maddie First. And what do you know, it worked. Taking a Maddie First approach meant setting boundaries with my family (both of origin and in-law) as well as with Michael. Boundaries like making sure we (and really, I) spent an equal amount of time with my family as with his, spending some nights away from my in-laws at my sister’s house (even if packing an overnight bag just to go across town is annoying), and even making sure I got some time away from everyone just to decompress from all the noise. I’m sure this approach meant I left some folks disappointed by our visit, but it maintained my sanity in a way I haven’t experienced during the holidays before.
Forcing the Fun (Mixed Bag, Mostly Worked?): Working off script for the holidays this year meant that at a lot of times, Michael and I kind of had no idea what we were doing. Sometimes this can spell disaster for us, because of the oppositional nature of our personalities. (Michael’s stoic and likes to have a solid plan before going into things; I’m manic and like to let plans unfold as we go. Things don’t always end well when we go into a situation without discussing expectations first.) This meant that for the first bit of our at-home holiday plan, we were faking the fun. (Like when I dragged Michael to Lowe’s for some impromptu decorations shopping and threw all the glittery things into our cart.) At first, there was a bit of tension as we negotiated our expectations for how Christmas would go, and what we both needed in order for it to feel “real.” But slowly that tension gave way and faking the fun transitioned into actually having fun. And the negotiations themselves became the joy of the thing. Like when we both decided that $300 is way too much money for a fake Christmas tree, and our house is too dangerous for a real one, so a $20 potted pine it is for us this year. Bonus: tiny ornaments are both practical and adorable.
This year was the first time our holidays felt intentional, like we were active rather than passive participants. In a lot of ways, the hardest part of this holiday season was merely in the act of breaking with tradition and creating something from nothing. It wasn’t easy, and not everything worked. But most of it felt like the good kind of marriage work. The kind where it’s challenging, but rewarding, because the prize is something that belongs to you and your partner alone.
So now I want to hear from you, APW. Now that the holidays are over, and we’ve all had a few days to reflect, what worked and what didn’t? What advice do you have for couples negotiating their own holidays together? (Be warned/cheered: We might well round up your best tips for advice for all of us next November!)
