Q: Our son comes from your typical middle income family, small town in the Northwest. He now lives in Manhattan and is marrying a girl from a wealthy family. The bride’s parents are paying for the wedding. The wedding is a bit over the top for my practical sensibilities, but we were not asked for our input or for any of our expectations. We are not in a position to be of much financial help.
My question is even though our financial contribution is very little (comparatively almost nothing), am I wrong to be hurt at being left out of the planning? The only thing that I have “requested” if you will, is that the reception last until eleven at night instead of nine o’clock. We have a comparatively small group of relatives traveling to Savannah for the wedding, from the West Coast and we wish to show them a good time. I was told that contracts were signed and that my request is unreasonable, as I am not the one paying the bill.
It feels terrible to be upset and angry at this young couple, and of course the distance and time difference contribute to making conversation about this difficult.
Your answer is truly appreciated!
Anonymous
A: Dear Anonymous,
Maybe it’s not too late just yet. For starters, it’s worth investigating what the venue would require to tack on two extra hours. It might not cost much, and it’s pretty rare for any business to say, “No thank you, we can’t sell more to you,” no matter how many contracts have been signed. If it’s a small enough fee, offer to cover the difference.
However, keep in mind that the couple might have other reasons for not wanting an extra long wedding. “Budget” is an easy catch-all answer. So just be sure to ask your son if there are other objections first, before offering to call the venue.
If that’s all still completely out of the question, invite your out-of-towners back to your house or out to a nearby restaurant for drinks after the wedding. Or, try chatting with your son again. Convey to these two that your real goal here is to be hospitable to folks who are traveling, and see if they have any ideas that don’t ruin existing plans or stretch the budget too far. People often plan welcome dinners the night before, brunches the day after, and all sorts of things to catch an extra few minutes with guests from far away.
To quit it with the fixer-model (I’m sorry, it’s a reflex) and answer your actual question: no. It’s not wrong of you to feel a little hurt. We can give them the benefit of the doubt, which is always a good place to start. Maybe your son worries that involving you in planning would burden you. Maybe they’re telling the honest truth and there is legitimately no way to add on those two hours, they’ve already tried their darnedest. Maybe they’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed by the whole thing, and you’re the baby getting dumped with the bathwater.
Regardless, this is your son’s wedding, and it’s not wrong to be disappointed. Though my sons are small, your question punched me in the gut. This particular issue about event length and out-of-towners will be resolved one way or another. But, feeling completely left out of a significant event for your child sounds heartbreaking. It’s dumb that tradition divides wedding things along gender lines (sons are raised with the same amount of love and care as daughters!), and no matter your comparative contribution, you’re no less invested in his happiness and his future. Parents shouldn’t have to buy their way into the wedding planning process. So, no, your feelings aren’t incorrect. They’re all too understandable, and for that I’m sorry.
The ideal would be that these two respect and honor everyone’s wishes just because they care about you (I’m sure they do) and because they want you to enjoy the wedding (probably true also). But, it’s not always practically feasible because of logistics and things. Also, it can be hard to shake the expectations imposed by tradition. Traditions have a tendency to feel like rules rather than suggestions, and your son is very likely trying to do the Right Thing, and just missing the mark. So, while being excluded in this way hurts, but it’s unlikely personal or intentional. (I hope that helps to ease the sting a bit?)
Of course, that means you should let your son know that you’re incredibly happy to see him married, and a part of that happiness works itself out as a wish to be involved. You may be nervous about being a pushy mom, or about overstepping boundaries. But as we’ve seen all too often in the comments on this site, sometimes couples just don’t realize their parents are feeling left out.
When I saw your question, I shot an email over to Lisa of Privilege, lovely mother of grown-ups that she is, hoping she’d have some wisdom for you. Of course she does:
I see two choices. 1) Leave it alone, for now. Smile, remember he’s your boy and this is his happiness you’re investing in—with your silence. Take up the question later, maybe years later, one night when you’re sitting up with him and have a good feeling that you can cry it out together. 2) Dive in all the way now. Ante up your feelings, use prototypical “I” language. Explain that you feel left out, assume his good faith and that he doesn’t want you to feel that way, be open to a solution other than the extension of the wedding hours.
I wish you well. Should we tell these readers that parenting adult children is sometimes harder than sleepless nights with babies? Nah. Congratulations to your boy, I hope all goes well and feelings are healed.
If you would like to ask APW a question please don’t be shy! You can email: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though it really makes our day when you come up with a clever sign-off!
