In the past few weeks, David and I started pre-planning conversations about the holidays. I recently said to David, “What did we learn last holiday season about what we wanted to try to do this year? Maybe I wrote it down somewhere.” And lucky for me, I did. I don’t even have to check my journals, because I wrote it down right here on APW. Last January I said, quoting a friend, that our goal was to be:
Trying to find the spirit and magic, but still working out what the traditions will be for our family.
Which brings me to our annual APW conversation about managing the holidays—one of the very trickiest parts of (newly) married life. Last winter, I outlined my thoughts on what I’d learned from ten years of holidays together and five years of married holidays.
Meg’s Stages of Married Holidays
- STAGE ONE: Splitting Holidays. As part of a new family unit, your holidays can’t continue uninterrupted, same as they’ve ever been. In the first stage, you’re wrangling parental expectations and managing your own expectations. If we do Thanksgiving with family A, we can do Christmas with family B. If we do Christmas Eve with family A, we can do Christmas Day with family B and family C and Boxing Day with family D. Fuck it, we’re staying home. Etc.
- STAGE TWO: Owning The Holidays. This phase is crazy liberating. This is the moment where you realize that the holidays do not belong to your respective families. As a brand-new family, they belong to you, to share with your friends and loved ones. This is typically where you stop asking permission and start making independent decisions that work for you. No apologies.
- STAGE THREE: Shaping the Holidays. This is where we’re at. Once you’ve claimed the shit out of the holidays, you have to figure out what they look like for you. What are your family traditions going to be anyway? Why?
And as my friend and APW commenter said,
A few years into this marriage malarkey now, and from this year’s experience all I’m pretty sure about is that progression through those stages isn’t necessarily linear, but alcohol always helps.
—Elle
Word, sister. (With apologies to the non-drinkers.)
In looking through last year’s comments, I found this one, in response to another commenter.
You bring up a point that I feel has been missing from a lot of these discussions: what are our responsibilities to our families of origin even after marriage, and how do we meet them?
But that, I’d argue, is actually what this whole conversation is about. If we only had to please ourselves, the holidays would be so simple… but somehow not the same at all. Getting married doesn’t release us of all responsibilities to our families (unless, of course, we need it to), instead it adds yet another layer of obligation to the mix. For me, the holidays as a married person have been about figuring out people’s needs, and then trying to make as many people happy as I can—all while keeping in mind that I vowed to put the well-being of my husband, and now my kid, first. Oh yeah, and my well-being too.
The oxygen mask school of holidays
Mostly, what we’ve learned over the past few years is to practice the oxygen mask school of holidays. That is, you can’t meet anyone else’s needs until you have your oxygen mask firmly in place—or in this case, the family oxygen mask. We can’t attempt the job of making family members happy if we’re not taking good enough care of ourselves. To do this, we’ve set firm boundaries that the holidays don’t belong to one set of parents or the other. It’s not “So and so’s Thanksgiving” or “So and so’s Christmas.” All the holidays are ours. We figure out our needs around them, work hard to meet those basic needs, and then dive into celebrating with others and meeting as many of their needs as we can. Oxygen masks firmly in place.
Because having a meltdown fit for a four-year-old, or leaving the holidays disconnected and exhausted (I’ve learned from the comments I’m far from alone in experiencing those particular joys) is not worth it for anyone.
And with that in mind, here is a roundup of some of your best thoughts on the holidays last year. (Some comments are edited for simplicity, but I linked back to the original discussions if you want more context.)
What Worked For You In 2013:
It was our first year living together and to celebrate we took control of our holidays. We still saw everyone. We just didn’t stress about it or jump through excessive hoops. Once we knew what our parents (the two main “home bases” for Christmas festivities) were planning, we told everyone when we would be where, including when we would be home at our own house. We saw everyone and it was the nicest Christmas I’ve had in years. No stress or drama, despite all the many families. The best part was going home that night to our own house, lighting a fire, and cracking open a beer with a dear friend who stopped by. —Jacki
Christmas is hands and feet down my favorite time of the year, but this year it kind of sucked. There was huge family drama all week, and shit hit the fan on Christmas Day—in our home. This holiday served as a wake up call. That we have to set boundaries, and even more than that, that I don’t have to put up with this anymore, that we don’t need to make apologies and walk on eggshells. We’re done playing other people’s games; our family is our own game. —Catherine
My advice for what it’s worth though—they’ll get over it as long as you’re kind (but firm). If tearing yourself apart trying to see every member of your extended families for poor quality, stressed out time runs you ragged, it’s okay not to do it! Soften the “blow” with an alternative—fun birthday weekends, a New Year party, a trip away with them. —
We continue to learn our boundaries and take responsibility for meeting our own needs for fresh air, long walks, alone time, and lots of dessert. —Valerie Day
What my husband and I learned this holiday season: don’t let other people make your plans for you… We ultimately had to stand firm that our plans were our plans, and other people, no matter how much we love them, will not be making plans for us without prior consultation. —Margret
We rose to the occasion with the following traditions that we’d like to continue in future years. What we like about them is that they’re easy to replicate no matter whose family we’re with for the holiday. 1. Christmas Lights appreciation drives, full of opinion, commentary and plans for our own decorated lawn-of-the-future. 2. Lots of Christmas Carols. 3. New ornaments for our tiny Ikea cardboard tree, including a handmade Just Married ornament 4. Binging on Christmas Specials. Charlie Brown, South Park, A Muppet’s Christmas Carol, and Elf are perennial favorites. Now we’re looking forward to adding more traditions. The important one for us is being together on Christmas Eve and morning. —Meg O’Donnell
I am a little ashamed to admit I threw a fit worthy of a twelve-year-old on Christmas Eve. But—what I AM proud of is that a few days later my mister and I regrouped and talked calmly and like the adults we are supposed to be about how things went wrong and what we can do better for next year. And in between Christmas Eve and the weekend after, I managed to act like a lady instead of a child and have fun with him even though I was still kind of mad at him. Last year’s Amy would have sulked and ruined the entire week we had together. Look ma, progress! —Amy
Our holidays were mostly awkward and flat this year, and while some of it could be blamed on the flu, it was mostly a result of fully squaring with our discomfort with the religious and consumer aspects of Christmas, but not ever coming to a conclusion of what to do about it or instead. So, if I’ve learned anything regarding that, it’s that half-assing it isn’t a great solution. We either need to scrap it (which, um, would not fly) or find some traditions that feel honest, which is daunting —Lady Brett
The Holidays are festivals, and festivals have been around as long as humans have, regardless of individual religions. Everybody needs to have a break from the daily grind. The traditions and trappings are, and have always been, just rituals to make us feel close and connected and have a good time. So just cobble together whatever rituals of your midwinter holiday feel happy and connected, and make them into your traditions. It’s your festival, whether you call it Christmas or Solstice or Festivus or Bacchanalia (the ancient Romans celebrated midwinter with lots and lots of eating and drinking and sex). It may help to research historical festivals or just do what feels right. I celebrate Christmas religiously with my family, secularly with my future in-laws, and celebrate Solstice with a few friends with ice-skating and a big meal and drinks (our bacchanalia-lite). —Alyssa M
That, and it’s time to dish holiday plans and swap advice. Meet you in the comments!
