How Do You Get Grooms (or Non-Groom Partners) Involved in Planning?

You are not the wedding butler

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One of the most infuriating things about the wedding industry is that it assumes only women are interested in planning weddings. It’s infuriating because A) it takes two to make a marriage, B) not all women are into wedding planning, and C) some dudes are. But it’s also not as easy as that. Sometimes the wedding industry’s assumptions are so pervasive that they become self-fulfilling prophecies. Which is to say, Michael was never as into the wedding as I was. And I did do most of the planning. Raised with more traditional gender role expectations, he’d never been taught as a child to think about what his future wedding might look like, and he could care less about centerpieces or flowers or on a day-to-day basis. But there were a few things about the wedding which he valued deeply (the beer selection, the after party, buying his groomsmen really cool belts). And for those things, he was all in.

But I’ve noticed things changing in the past few years. While the overturning of DOMA obviously meant huge and incomparable changes in the lives of LGBTQ couples, I think the ongoing cultural conversations about marriage equality have also made for a heightened sense of awareness about the importance of weddings and marriage at large. When I was shooting weddings full time I noticed that as more states began to legalize marriage equality, not only was I getting hired by more queer couples (with a notable uptick in gay men who were hiring me), I was also getting hired by more straight couples with really actively involved grooms.

While I no longer am involved in as many weddings as I once was, I think I was starting to see the beginnings of a changing tide. One that I’m really excited about. Because for me, a huge part of feminism isn’t just making room for women in spaces traditionally dominated by men. It’s also about creating an increased value in the spaces traditionally dominated by women.

But all of this takes work. And compromise. And sometimes a whole lot of conversation. (“I get that you don’t care very much about how the flowers get to the venue, but they have to get to the venue and I’m not the wedding butler so HELP ALREADY.”)

So now I’m curious. What’s your experience been so far? Is your partner (male or female) involved in wedding planning? Are you working to equalize your roles in planning? What are your struggles (and wins)?

 

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