Q: My parents are not wealthy people; my dad has been a hardworking, blue-collar worker for almost forty years and my mom stayed at home with us. They are in their sixties now, and my father is contemplating retirement. Growing up, we had pretty comfortable lives in our rural town. Our daily lives were never splashy, but my parents established a habit of giving their children any enriching experience that their clueless hearts desired. I have no idea where the money came from, but those two put it together and never complained about costs. They played mum about financial issues not just because they were very generous, loving parents (which they were and are), but because of old school Pride that forced them to deny or gloss over any sacrifices they were making to keep up with Joneses of their own invention.
When we’re younger, we usually have no idea what our parents are doing for us on a daily basis to make our lives work. Thankfulness for the sacrifices they make happen much later in life, and those are frequently coupled with the rationale of, “Oh, they knew what was coming when they had kids. They’re complicit in us being born, after all.” But when your parents give you a beautiful wedding day that frankly costs way too much (on basic principle, as well as for their finances), the magnitude of their gift isn’t mitigated by anything at all. I know my parents put a lot of the wedding on multiple credit cards and may have even taken out a loan. They wouldn’t hear of scaling back, and every attempt to cut costs or pare down the wedding was met with serious obstinance or outright arguments (see Pride, above). I worry that they’ll be paying for one day of my life, albeit a great one, for the rest of theirs. I fear that my parents’ retirement dreams are going to be pushed back well into their golden years. As they get older and their health costs start accumulating, I worry that the memory of the nest egg they may have built for themselves will just be memorialized in my wedding album.
How do you deal with this guilt and gratitude? There’s no changing the decisions we made during wedding planning (thank you APW and your featured vendors for SO many things, DIY articles and reasonable prices included). What can you do as an adult do to communicate to your parents that you recognize what they’ve given up for you and how immeasurably thankful you are for their generosity? Sincerely written thank you notes and embroidered handkerchiefs are a nice start, but seem to come up a little short. Any gifts, in fact, seem like paltry afterthoughts in comparison. This question likely makes me sound like an entitled whiner who’s hijacking the advice column with her humblebrag. If so, I’m really sorry. I got more than anyone deserves, and I know it, and it’s hard to accept.
Regretfully and Thankfully,
ANON
A: Dear anon,
You probably know it, but I’m going to say it. Your parents don’t want any gifts. I mean sure, go ahead and send those cards and handkerchiefs because I’m sure they’re lovely. But your parents didn’t spoil you on your wedding day in the hopes of getting some repayment action. I’m sure they’re not sitting there just waiting for a grandiose thank you.
All things considered, I’m betting this wedding is just the tip of the iceberg. I’d guess they’ve probably done a lot more along that way that was a bigger struggle and a harder sacrifice. Stuff you probably didn’t even know about. That’s not to make you feel worse! That’s just the nature of parenting. And such being the case, come on. You’ll never be able to adequately say, “Thank you!” for all of that. It’s just not what it’s about.
Enormous, crazy parental love makes you want to give absolutely everything to your child. And not just want to, but almost need to. It’s incredibly difficult to know that there’s something your kid can’t have because you don’t have the means to offer it to them. So when you’re overwhelmed by this great burden your parents took on, try to think of it less as a burden, and more as a joy. Your parents gladly, willingly did that for you—and they probably loved doing it.
They gave you this lavish wedding because they wanted you to have it and enjoy it. Which means basically two things. 1. Feeling terrible and guilty about it all defeats the whole purpose, so knock that off right now. And 2. One of the best ways to thank them, is to let them know how much you enjoyed it. And I mean repeatedly. Some day in a few months, you’ll fondly remember some specific aspect of your wedding day and think, “Man that was a great day.” In that moment, text your mom. Tell her, “I was just thinking about how awesome the wedding was.” And every time after that, too. They laid out a bit of cash for this day in the hopes that it would be something you’d continue to remember and enjoy for a long, long time. Let them know they were right.
The other way to thank your folks? Remind yourself of this generosity when they’re really irritating, and maybe cut them some slack.
If you would like to ask APW a question, please don’t be shy! You can email: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though it really makes our day when you come up with a clever sign-off!
