Posts Tagged ‘Beginnings’

Feb 2013

Beginnings from practicalmaddie on 8tracks Radio.

We’ve said it once and we’ll say it a million times: the APW staff is just a small part of what makes this site awesome. The rest is you guys. So we’re always looking for ways to tap into your brains and share your smarts with each other, particularly if this shared knowledge helps your fellow APWers cross some things off their wedding to-do lists.

Which is why I’m psyched today that we get to introduce a brand new feature to APW: Playlists crowdsourced from directly within our community. Each month we’ll round up the soundtrack songs from the previous month’s wordless weddings (because man, you guys pick the best stuff to listen to at work). And then in between, we’ll also be crowdsourcing really helpful lists of things like first dance songs, songs you can rock out to, parent dances, etc. and compiling them into playlists that you listen to anywhere you have access to the interwebs.

So! First up, the sweet sounds of January, brought to you by eight of APW’s finest: Continue reading Introducing: APW Playlists!

Posted in: Playlists | 194 Comments »

Feb 2013

Good Bride/Bad Bride

We thought we’d close out “Beginnings” month with a post that goes straight to the heart of what starting the planning process can feel like (read: frustrating). There are so many ways our culture goads us into feeling like we’re terrible people for asking for things, or worse, that somehow if we play by all the (totally contradictory) rules, we can obtain the elusive status of being a Good Bride. And it sucks. And there is no way to win. And sometimes I just want to run around engaged folks and shout, “It’s a trap!“ Which is why today I’m delighted to have Kristin Bond calling BS on the whole thing.

—Maddie

After years of being a quiet observer of the bridal industry, I had ideas about the type of bride I wanted to be when the time came. I wouldn’t separate the wedding party from their dates at the reception. And I was totally going to write thank you notes right away. Above all, I would never make my bridesmaids wear matching dresses that they hated. I was going to be gracious, laid-back, elegant, and calm—the complete opposite of a “Bad Bride.” As I read message boards on that wedding-site-that-must-not-be-named, I smugly basked in my superiority of knowing that I would never ask my best friends to cover a tattoo or dye their hair for our wedding.

Then people started asking about our wedding plans, and I said that I was (gasp!) letting my bridesmaids wear different dresses. My bridesmaids don’t need to be clones, because I am not. A. Bad. Bride. And one of my bridesmaids would actually be my brother, and my fiancé’s sister would stand on the groom’s side. We weren’t trying to be different or shocking. It’s just what we wanted. Why should my sister get to stand with me, but not my brother? But other people seemed to have a hard time with it. There were multiple times when, in the same breath, I was told, “Well, it’s just not DONE that way. WHAT ABOUT THE PICTURES?!? DEAR GOD, THINK OF THE PICTURES!!!” and, “Remember, it’s YOUR day. Do what you want.”

So I defended my plans. I defended the shit out of them, for weeks. It became my giant act of rebellion against the wedding industry and anyone who even had the audacity to try telling me what my wedding should be. It’s my day, right? None of these ideas are new or groundbreaking, yet I still felt like I had to justify them to every single person who saw the diamond on my finger and felt that it was okay to question and criticize my choices.

I asked my two siblings and three close friends to stand by my side on my wedding day, and told them they could wear whatever they wanted; the only guideline was that it had to be peacock colors. I sent them peacock feathers and some paint swatches that had colors I liked, but left everything else up to them. I thought that would leave room for all kinds of interesting options, and no one would get stuck with something they didn’t like. I made a shared board on Pinterest, and we had a very fun time pinning lots of cute dresses. Since we were spread across the country, and everyone hadn’t met each other, I scheduled a group video chat for us to talk about everything.

I opened the chat with, “OMG! I’m so excited about this! Easiest bridesmaid gig ever! I don’t want a shower or bachelorette party, and you get to wear whatever you want! WOOH! Let’s drink champagne all day for the wedding!” Even as I was saying it, I felt like the cool mom from Mean Girls (“I’m a cool bride! There are NO RULES at this wedding! Want some alcohol?”). Unfortunately, that’s pretty much how I came across to the bridal party. Continue reading Good Bride/Bad Bride

Posted in: Planning, Wedding Undergraduates | 145 Comments »

Jan 2013

Ask Team Practical: The Meaning of Marriage

with Liz

What does it mean to get married?

I should maybe say, what does it mean for non-religious people to get married? What does it mean for people who believe in marriage equality, but still apply for a marriage license to get married? When the religious and legal definitions of marriage don’t represent or capture what you are doing, what is the event, the promise, the meaning of marriage? What does marriage mean when you strip away some or most of its historical context?

Oh guys. I know it’s head-y stuff, but I could use your help. Pretty please.

This post and question is born out of a conversation I’m sure most wedding graduates have had: the writing of the vows. This is, obviously, the most important of the to-dos turned “what does it mean” items—what is the thing we are agreeing to. My partner and I have slightly different ideas, and I imagine that won’t change. I’m not so much worried about our vows being different, but I’ve found myself wondering about others’ promises and definitions as my partner and I explore what we want to promise and define as marriage.

I know I’m not the first one in this spot and am curious about y’alls experience, thoughts, and ideas. There’s wisdom here at APW, and I could really some: so, what did you find? What is your meaning of marriage?

–Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I think we both know this question is well beyond my pay grade. Beside that, it’s guaranteed to be different from person to person based on (like you said) religion, but also culture, tradition, and whatever else.

So, I’m going to tell you what marriage means to me (apart from the pieces tied up in my personal spirituality), and then I want to hear what everyone else has to say in the comments. Deal?

I know you said that the legal definition of marriage doesn’t exactly capture what you think marriage means, but I think it’s a pretty good starting point.* When a state chooses to grant legal marriage rights, it means you are then recognized as “next of kin” as far as the government and hospitals and whoever else is concerned. And legality aside, that’s what marriage means to me. Not just that I get to choose how my husband is treated when he’s at the hospital, but that he’s now my “next of kin”—my family. And not only a part of my big, loud extended family. He’s the family for me now. He’s tied to me the way my mom and my brother are, but only closer and with higher importance. That’s major. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: The Meaning of Marriage

Posted in: Ask Team Practical | 105 Comments »

Jan 2013

Wordless Wedding: Brigid & Ximena’s Church & Croquet Wedding

* Brigid, Law (JD) and Divinity (MAR) Student & Ximena, Art History PhD Student * Photographer: Kelly Prizel (APW Sponsor) * Soundtrack for Reading: “She Is” by Sufjan Stevens or “Sea of Love” by Cat Power *

One sentence sum-up of the wedding vibe: A friend early on declared it a “crisp crafty lovely vintage lady wedding.”

Continue reading Wordless Wedding: Brigid & Ximena’s Church & Croquet Wedding

Posted in: LGBTQ Weddings, Wedding Graduates, Wordless Weddings | 38 Comments »

Jan 2013

Getting Overwhelmed By The Meaning Of Details

I really just want to “Exactly!” today’s post from Laura Chanoux (who you’ll remember from her brilliant piece on getting engaged out of order last week). It’s about the way we’re trapped into thinking that every single thing matters when wedding planning (which, I can promise you, is a lie). But while I know it’s a lie, I also remember planning my own wedding and feeling like every last detail had to represent who Michael and I were, what our relationship meant, and worrying that we were selling out if we didn’t. And man, it was exhausting. It also made it impossible for me to enjoy my favorite thing in the world: choosing things because I like them. Or, more often than not, because they’re pretty. So while, yes, it can be good to make sure that the important wedding things are representative of you and your partner, let’s take today to free ourselves from expecting that of all the wedding things. Because I like to think that we’re all too busy for that kind of nonsense anyway.

—Maddie

During my senior year of college, I managed a student orchestra and began having concert daydreams. In them, I would forget the keys to the theater or everyone would loiter backstage while I struggled to explain that the concert should have started fifteen minutes ago. These dreams weren’t frequent, but they were memorable. I’ve been engaged since March, have barely started planning, and yet my wedding daydreams have already begun.

In one, I don’t realize until after the reception that none of my friends or extended family came because I scheduled the wedding on a Thursday night and forgot to tell them enough in advance. In another, we hire a DJ/photographer who gives us attitude whenever we ask him to take a photo. I find myself midway through the day wearing a dress that I definitely wouldn’t have picked out on my own, wondering where all our initial ideas went.

I can identify some major causes of these dreams. Most of my friends live in the Midwest and our wedding will be in New England, so I’m worried that they won’t be able to travel to it. Even though my fiancé Eric reassures me that we can have the wedding we want on our budget, everything I find seems expensive. (My first attempt to outline a budget left me curled up in stressball before I even added big costs like food.) Our original plan of an autumn wedding in our college town, Ann Arbor, Michigan, has turned into an autumn in Boston wedding, which could very well turn into a spring in Boston wedding. I keep coming back to the same worry: I’m going to get to our wedding and think, “Wait. Wait, this isn’t what I meant.” Continue reading Getting Overwhelmed By The Meaning Of Details

Posted in: Planning, Wedding Undergraduates | 91 Comments »

Jan 2013

Starting With Almost Engaged

If my Facebook feed is any indication, lots and lots and lots of people got engaged over the holidays. (Actually, statistically about a third of engagements happen between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Which is a crazy number.) But the thing is, there are also plenty of people who read this site who aren’t engaged. Possibly just not yet. Possibly not ever. And we wanted to give a voice to you guys too. Because this time of year is when it can really feel like a race to get all your ducks in a row. And as Rachael explores today, getting your ducks lined up isn’t always what your relationship needs right now.

—Maddie

I am pre-engaged, maybe, I think. I’m in a place where we have agreed, numerous times, that we want to marry each other—someday. But there was no proposal. Just a late morning in bed cuddling and then him whispering into my hair, “I want to marry you someday.” I don’t even know if I was supposed to hear it. But I responded the way any reasonable, giddy-in-love twenty-two-year-old would. I giggled and kissed him. It wasn’t until his “OMG-what-did-I-just-do” panic face made an appearance that I realized my reaction wasn’t as reassuring as I thought. So I shared as well. “I wanna marry you someday, too.”

And then I went to work and spent the rest of the day in a rose-colored cloud. I felt engaged. I felt like one of those girls who was surprised at a fancy dinner with a huge rock. Even though we’d just talked about the future knowing we were together for the long haul. It felt different, like it was official. Like the morning I got to stay in bed late would be our adorable engagement story. I felt like I needed to call my mom and share the news. But I didn’t. Partly because I was working and partly because all day the women I worked with were determined to puncture my rose-colored happiness with reality bites like: “Where’s your ring?” “If he really meant it he’d have asked in a sweeter/more expensive/real proposal way.” “If you don’t have a diamond it doesn’t count.” By the time my shift was up I was a bundle of insecurity and confusion. What felt so wonderful and secure nine hours previously was now a mess of other people’s expectations.

And apparently they were right. Beginnings are messy and full of miscommunications. We talked more when I got home, and he didn’t mean he wanted to be engaged.

I was crushed. A mess of disappointment and anger.

He explained that the timing was bad. He was still in school. We were barely-able-to-buy-food broke. He wasn’t ready to get married. He couldn’t afford to buy a diamond ring right now.

In that moment I wished a slow and painful death to every person who ever worked in the diamond marketing industry. Continue reading Starting With Almost Engaged

Posted in: Engagements & Proposals | 56 Comments »