Posts Tagged ‘Favorite Posts’

Mar 2011

Wedding Graduate: Verhext, A Letter To My Wedding

Long time readers will remember when Tamera (aka Verhext) wrote a wedding undergraduate post about the importance of faith in the face of a wedding. She was freaking out about her wedding, and remembering that as a Vermonter, she'd personally helped to pull together her sister-in-laws wedding from scratch. Well, she's back, with a letter to her (beautiful, beautiful) wedding. She's also on 100 Layer Cake today, being stunning. Besides me wanting to put her whole wedding in my mouth because I love it that much, I'm beyond honored to get to share Tamera's wedding on APW. Since we first met at the APW/OBB meetup, Tamera has become a friend, a brunch lady, and someone whose brain I want to hack open to release all of the butterflies, so I can understand what goes on in there. Tamera and Sean threw their wedding with very little money. She made her dress, they self-catered, they made their invitations, they got married on their own property in Vermont (Tamera owns a wee cabin there, sigh). And somehow it ended up being everything a wedding can be... and a little bit of a pain in the ass. (Oh, and she wants me to mention her amazing, affordable, NYC Photographer Jeremy Harris... who once shot photos of her band!) Here is Tamera with the full scoop:

Dear Wedding,

You were really difficult, just admit it. I think you secretly liked being so difficult. Everyone knew about you and thought you were great, but I know the truth, wedding. You held us to a level of perfection we just couldn't achieve, and made us feel like no matter how hard we worked we couldn't live up to you. On the surface, everyone loved you. Oh, I know your sneaky ways. I didn't even want a wedding. But you're so flashy flashy, and so "everyone else is doing it" and the next thing we knew, we were sending out invitations. And then there was no turning back, and you just kept luring us deeper and deeper with your promises of happy families and cake. The cake was a clever ploy. Oh, you're good, wedding.

And you know what wedding, you were really, really hard work. So much work that when you were over, I didn't know what to do with my weekends. So much work that I thought my head would explode from making invitations and dresses and finding plates and utensils and tablecloths and buying food and agonizing over finding a suit and making sure everyone got there and planning the ceremony and realizing last minute I wanted flowers and making bouquets and feeling guilty about wanting to arrange them myself and making signs and cards and decorations and basically asking everyone I know to show me their love through sheer hard labor.

That kind of sucked, wedding, and you had the audacity to make me feel like it was pretty amazing while I was doing it, but you know what? It was exhausting.

You also made my husband and I fight so much that we almost didn't get married. In fact, if the fight hadn't been in front of the liquor store, we may have not gotten married. But as it was, I ended up buying 6 bottles of Perrier Jouet because the labels were so, so pretty and I wasn't thinking logically. So maybe I needed a good reason to crack them all open. So I guess that worked out. THIS TIME, wedding. But watch your back. Continue reading Wedding Graduate: Verhext, A Letter To My Wedding

Posted in: Wedding Graduates | 53 Comments »

Feb 2011

Things To Think About When Planning An Elopement

After this morning's wedding graduate post, Lindsey is back talking about the things you should think through if you're planning an elopement (and frankly, the questions you should ask if you're trying to figure out if an elopement is right for you). I'm beyond delighted about this post, because we get asked rather constantly at APW, "Should I elope? Will my family be mad?" and I'm never sure if those are quite the right questions. So here is Lindsey, telling you how it is.

Now, things to think about before your elopement and/or shotgun wedding.

If a tree falls and no one is there, does it make a sound? When you elope, you don’t have an audience. This means there was no one there but L- and me to say, in a few months, “Remember at the wedding when....?” Since our witnesses were strangers, the only people we could talk about our wedding with was the other person. Because of this it was really important for me to have our wedding documented by a photographer. I wanted to be able to tell the story to our friends, family and future child. I wanted to have it recorded. Our parents were also really happy to see the pictures and hear us tell the story; it helped them feel like they were there.

During our honeymoon we sat down and wrote out, independently, our thoughts and memories from our wedding. The little things that could easily be lost in the busy-ness of life. We sealed them up and will read them sometime, maybe in 10 years. If you plan to elope, make sure you think about how your day will be remembered.

Be prepared for strong reactions from others. The thought of upsetting close friends and family is probably what holds most people back from eloping. No matter how much you try to anticipate how people will react, there is no preparing for what will actually happen. Some people may surprise you with their reactions, for others it may be better or worse than expected. When my dad chose to leave just after our announcement, I had to realise that it was his decision, much like eloping was my decision. Neither of us agreed with the actions of the other person, but they were, for better or worse our decisions.

Be prepared to explain why you decided what you did, but don’t feel the need to justify. Acknowledge the feelings of the hurt party and realise it may take them some time to share your joy. While I had 8 years to slowly change my wedding plans, my dad had very little warning. Now, almost a year after the wedding my dad is very accepting of our marriage, happily calls L- my husband and seems to bear no grudge.

Be prepared for unexpected feelings from yourself. In the weeks after our wedding, I was worried we had done the wrong thing. I felt guilty for making my dad feel so sad. These immediate feelings passed, especially when I realised we had done the right thing for us, even if it left some people unhappy. Even when I was certain I had no regrets, at a wedding a few months later there were moments where I felt a bit sad. I felt sad that I wouldn’t walk up an aisle with everyone I loved surrounding me, or that I wouldn’t get to make a speech. I recognised that sadness as simply being sad over a choice not taken. When it would hit me, I would remember the choices we made, and why we made them and the feeling of sadness would pass. We are married, that is what’s important. Continue reading Things To Think About When Planning An Elopement

Posted in: Uncategorized, Wedding Graduates | 45 Comments »

Jan 2011

Reclaiming Wife: Changing Your Name (Back)

Brenna sent me a thank you email last week... except, when I opened it up, it was actually one of the most mind-blowingly empowering and brave stories I'd ever read. You see, Brenna changed her name. And then she changed it back. And Team Practical, and your amazing comments on the APW name change posts are part of what gave her the strength to make the choice she did. So here we go, proving that there are no right choices, only choices that are right for us, and we always have the right to change our minds.

I didn't know that it wasn't right for me to change my name. Until I changed my name.

I suppose there’s more to it than that. I waffled back and forth during our whole engagement, but eventually decided to add Hisname to the end of my name, giving myself two middle names.

Last June, we got married.

At first, I loved signing my husband's name. Two "t"s at the end was really fun to write. It was novel and thrilling.

Then school started (I teach eighth grade), and every day I heard a name that wasn't mine. I made decisions; I introduced myself to parents. I tried using both names together, but it only worked in writing. We talked about the importance of Ms. I inwardly grinned when catalogs would show up with my old name on them or when former students or colleagues would slip up and forget my new name. I tried waiting. I waited three months, then four, for my students calling me Ms. Hisname to seem like it was right. I hoped the time I spent pouring over women's last names online and comparing my choice to theirs would diminish over time. I gave into the idea that it was just something I had to get used to. I had convinced myself that once the decision was made, I had to stick to it. I recalled some of the reasons I wanted to take his name: he and I having a team name, not liking the aesthetics of the hyphen, sharing a name with my future children.

I remembered how I had briefly considered using my name professionally and his name socially. This was what I really wanted, but I had thrown it out as impractical. I thought other people would be confused. I live in a small community, and even if/when we leave this place, I really like teaching and living in the same district. If/when we have children, I feared it would cause confusion if I taught at one school under one name and attended parent-teacher conferences with another.

There's more, though. I think I had convinced myself that being an eighth grade English teacher wasn't a worthy-enough profession for which to keep my name professionally. That was something doctors or lawyers or published writers did. Admitting and reading that now makes me more than a little sick. What I do on a daily basis matters. I’m still not sure why I couldn’t see it as enough of a reason.

Something clicked last Friday on our teacher workday. Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: Changing Your Name (Back)

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife | 285 Comments »

Apr 2010

On Name Changing And Weddings

Ok. I'm going to do this. After a huge number of increasingly frantic emails, I'm (we're) going to take on the topic of name changing. As long time readers know, this is a topic that has... not gone so well in the past. So, before we start, some ground rules: I'm really encouraging people to share their experiences and opinions on this, kindly. Please remember that just because I, or some other reader made different choices than you did, we're not telling you that you should do it our way. We're just saying, for better or for worse, that was our path. Also, no personal attacks. In one memorable comment last time we discussed this, someone accused me of hating my grandmother, since I didn't change my name, and she (rather obviously) did. So, let's steer clear of that, shall we? Thanks.

The specific question that I get asked over and over is this: how do you decide what choice to make when it comes to changing your name? An increasingly common corollary is this: my husband really really wants me to change my name, and it makes me cry when I think about changing it, and what should I do?

And for these questions, my response is simple and two fold: A) Talk about it with your partner. I mean really, really, really talk about it (especially if it's painful). And B) Don't. (I know! I just told you not to change your name! What the mother f*cking f*ck?) But this is what I really mean - you don't need to change your name now if you are not ready.

Within wedding circles, name changing is talked about as a very binary game: you either change your name or you don't, whether you change your name or not says something very specific about what kind of a woman you are, and you either change your name now or forever hold your peace.

This is all total nonsense.

Continue reading On Name Changing And Weddings

Posted in: Ask Meg, Gender & Feminism, Marriage, Meg's Thoughts, Reclaiming Wife | 625 Comments »

Apr 2010

The Wedding Dropout: or how I never became a Wedding Graduate

When Sara (of the Meanest Look) wrote me to ask if I'd be interested in her writing about how she dealt with calling off her wedding, I said, "YES!!" in such an enthusiastic way that I think she was a little shocked. Because on one hand, yes, people don't like to think of unhappy endings in the middle of wedding planning. But on the other hand, I think there is power for all of us in discussing the taboo parts of weddings and marriages. BIG power. Because goodness knows, if you call off your wedding, you're at least supposed to be quiet about it. And f*ck being quiet about it. I know for a fact that Sara is not the only Team Practical member who has dealt with this, and none of you deserve to feel alone and isolated. Plus, well, I know this story (don't we all know this story?) mine didn't involve a ring, but it did involve a lot of painful wising up. And I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't had to pick up those bazillion pieces. So, wedding graduate or no wedding graduate, I'm on Sara's team. With that, I give you Sara, the Wedding Dropout (Yup. I said it):

Three or so weeks before my romantic, perfect, practical wedding was set to take place the whole shebang that I had spent countless hours coordinating, planning, etc. was called off.

By me.

You know cold feet? Well it was something more. It was a gut feeling that something just wasn’t right. It was more than a fleeting moment of doubt.

It just wasn’t right.

At the end of December, I called off my wedding and shit hit the fan. Having just gone through this a few months ago and looking back, what sort of advice can I offer to other wedding dropouts? Continue reading The Wedding Dropout: or how I never became a Wedding Graduate

Posted in: Planning, The Hard Stuff, Wedding Undergraduates | 101 Comments »

Apr 2010

Team Practical: Women Proposing To Men

So, I promised a post about women proposing to men, so when Carrie emailed me offering to write about her experiences I was thrilled. But what I didn't expect is how much she was going to lay our cultural expectations bare, and how she was going to make me think, and make me sad, and make me mad, and make me brave. So. Here we go.

In all the recent discussion about proposals and getting engaged, I kept wanting to talk about how I got engaged. I proposed to my boyfriend on Christmas Eve, 2008. Proposing as a woman is still unusual — not an idea most people consider. But proposing taught me a lot about myself, about our relationship, and about engagement/marriage. I asked Meg if I could write a guest post, and she wrote back “DO IT! I’m totally into it!” So, here goes!

Things I learned from proposing marriage to my boyfriend: