* Rachel, Public Interest Lawyer & Jeff, Creative Director * Photographer: Rad + In Love (APW sponsors) * Soundtrack for reading: “The Letter” Al Green *
One sentence sum up of the wedding vibe: An intimate ceremony followed by a rockin’ party, in a breathtaking setting with our favorite people. AKA, the most wonderful day ever.
*Jordann, Sign Language Interpreter & Betsy, Sign Language Interpreter*
It seems fitting that our wedding graduate post this APW Pride week would be a post about how really, gay weddings are exactly like straight weddings. We’ve spent much of the week discussing politics and struggle, but it’s important to remember that, at their core, weddings are weddings. They have the same struggles, the same joys, and the same core of two people that love each other. Though in this case they have hot ladies in the hottest pants suits ever, which I’ll totally take. Let’s do it.
I never wanted a wedding. I knew from an early age that I wanted to elope. I had no desire to spend the money or the time planning a wedding. Being that I am more feminine and she more masculine the last thing I expected was for Betsy to want a traditional Jewish wedding. But after eloping to Iowa (the closest legal state to us), I knew my wife was not satisfied. She has always wanted a traditional wedding with the chuppah, seven blessing, glass stomping and everything else that comes with a Jewish wedding. Being a lesbian was not going to stop her and I was not going to stop her.
Coming from a state where gay marriage is not legal, I was surprised at how little resistance we received to a same-sex wedding. We contacted a variety of venues and vendors, and not once were we told “no” because we were lesbians. Granted I didn’t go to the Catholic Church asking them if I could have my lesbian Jewish wedding there. Although every vendor I called asked me for my groom’s name, I was not offended.
Again, we live in a heterosexual minded society; why would I assume they would ask me the other bride’s name? Yes, they could use the term “partner” but again I was not going to take lack of awareness as homophobia. Instead, I used it as a teaching moment. I explained it was a same-sex wedding and moved on to the point of the conversation. I was inspired by how many people had their own personal stories to share about their experience (or lack there of, but desire to learn) about same sex weddings. One individual shared about his sister marrying her long time partner in the near future. Continue reading Wedding Graduates: Jordann & Betsy
This afternoon’s post is about an issue I know very well: the curveball of falling for someone outside your religion, and having to negotiate the fraught cultural waters of making two backgrounds mesh into one family and one wedding. And like Stephanie and Dan, David and I both came to the table as fairly religious, practicing in our own religions. There are, of course, as many compromises and solutions as there are couples. Ours involved conversion (though the real solution will take a lifetime and as many words to describe). Stephanie’s and Dan’s involves two religions. And when there are two religions and one wedding, finding an officiant is difficult (heck, when there are one religion and two families, finding the right officiant can be difficult). And of course, as with most difficult things, the learning process is a powerful one. So here is Stephanie to discuss how they’re dealing with finding a solution.
Dan and I knew each other for two years as just friends. We played outfield together on a co-ed office softball team, me in left field and him in center. Two kids raised 1000 miles apart, who grew up wanting to be astronauts and came to Houston to work for the space program. We were brought together by mutual friends, the same dream job, and chance.
Two years ago I was dumped by my ex and devastated. So I went to J-date. That’s where nice Jewish girls go if they want to find a Jewish husband, or so I’ve heard. I met a few nice boys but nothing clicked. Softball season started back up again, and there he was. My friend Dan. My really cute friend Dan. My really cute, Catholic friend Dan. Whoops.
In Jewish mysticism there is a concept of soulmates. G-d takes a soul and divides it in two. Each half is sent down to earth in a separate body, and their goal is to find each other and become one complete soul. Sometimes this doesn’t happen right away and the souls have to try again. In Hebrew the concept is called beshert, both a noun meaning soulmate and an adjective describing something as meant to be. Dan and I were drawn together by the universe, by destiny, by a higher power. Our finding each other was beshert.
Dan and I are different from most interfaith couples, because both of us are fairly religious. We aren’t a cultural Jew and an occasional Catholic; we both practice, we both believe. We knew it was important, so we discussed and decided on how we would raise our children before we even knew we’d be marrying each other. Though a difficult conversation, we arrived at our decision without much conflict. Until the wedding planning started. Continue reading Having Faith
* Elizabeth, Social Worker & Jarah, Rabbi * Photographer: Katie Jane Photo * Soundtrack for reading: “Mushaboom” by Feist *
One sentence sum up of the wedding vibe: It all came together as it was happening because everyone made it happen.
*Rachel, Operations Analyst & Jonathan, Chef*
Today’s wedding graduate post is just perfect. Not much more to say. Rachel is writing a thank you note to her partner, something we probably all should do after surviving wedding planning. She says it all, so I don’t have to.
Dear Jon,
We did it. We got married. We stood in front of one hundred people, said our vows without screwing up, and you successfully crushed the lightbulb glass. My homemade chuppah didn’t collapse, we didn’t cry (although it would have been ok if we had), and we danced down the aisle to Elvis.
One could argue that we cemented our new, baby family on that glorious day, but I think we both know that we did that long ago, probably somewhere along the way. Or perhaps, when I sabotaged your proposal and you still proposed later that night, despite being mad that I ruined it. Oops.
As you know I am huge proponent of a heartfelt thank you note, and I think I owe you one more than anyone.
Thank you. Thank you for being you, for holding me when I needed it, for listening to me rant on and on and on about God knows what wedding related topic. For being patient when you needed to be and for kicking me in the butt when I needed it. For successfully wading through all the drama together that happened only three months before we got married. I probably would have drowned without you.
Seeing you stand beside me and fight for the same principles that I stood for was one of the best and heartwarming moments (even in the midst of drama). Knowing that we are in this together and we will come out of this together made it that much easier to get through such a tough time.
Thank you for being there when I realized one wintery night that wedding colors don’t matter; that traditions are ok to be embraced, tossed, or reinvented. Thank you for Googling “wedding traditions around colors” (no joke ladies and gentlemen…not much comes up, by the way), and letting me race around the house lamenting about why the heck should we have to choose such silly things, what do colors have to do with getting married anyway? Why must we drink wine at the ceremony? Why can’t I drink coconut rum instead? Continue reading Wedding Graduates: Rachel & Jonathan
*Becca, Environmental and Alternative Fuel Consultant & Jason, E-Commerce and Marketing Manager*
This week, we wanted to talk about the good parts and hard parts and complicated parts of being a woman. We wanted to talk about feminism, and the pressures of life, and the pressures of wedding planning and building a life together. And as far as I was concerned, there was no better person to speak to this than Becca. Many of you know Becca from her wedding planning writing at A Los Angeles Love. These days, as she figures out what’s next, she’s blogging eloquently and smart as ever at Stumble and Leap. She also happens to be my roommate at Camp Mighty this weekend (it’s going to be an awesome weekend, clearly). So today I’m honored to get to share her deeply wise and profoundly well written letter to her newly engaged self, as well as the story of her wedding, with pictures by APW Sponsor Kelly Prizel. You all should read it, wedding planning or not. It’s that kind of post.
Dear Just-Engaged Becca,
Congratulations! You just got engaged! I can see that you’re a combination of bouncing-off-the-wall happiness mixed with detailed excel budget panics mixed with eff-you-effing-eff-this-wedding-bs rage. In fact, you’ve already hit meltdown territory, and it’s only been two weeks. (Of course, this doesn’t surprise me. You’ve always been an overachiever.) You knew you could do this wedding thing better, cheaper and more fabulously than anyone else in expensive-city Los Angeles. You knew that months of pre-engaged research and your event planning background would make this easy. You knew that you’d bypass those nasty wedding planning fights because you and Jason have an uncanny ability to talk through disagreements instead of fighting.
Now that a whole two weeks of engagement have disabused you of these notions—here’s a glass of wine and a hug. In fact, here’s a whole bottle of wine, because you’re going to need it. I wish I could offer you sage advice from the other side, but I know now that you’ll have to learn it yourself. The hard way. The very hard way.
You can repeat APW wisdom on a mental loop (you will) and it will help a great deal (really and truly) but you are still going to fall apart a bit. Okay, a lot. Like right before you finally make peace with your budget when you realize you simply can’t throw a 150 person dinner party in Los Angeles for $15,000 when you don’t have a magical free backyard venue or self-catering abilities or enough time for cost-saving DIY. And that’s okay. And your eventual budget will be okay. You were frugal as heck where you had to be, sensible about the splurges that mattered, and smart about about the I-just-don’t-care-I-will-pay-to-make-it-go-away issues.
Somewhere along the way you realized this wedding was an investment. You were investing in the oh-so-important time it takes to nurture a new family. You were investing in a Thank You to the people who supported you along the way. You were investing in this single chance to get both of your far-flung families and friends in one place at one time. Squabbling over another $100 wasn’t going to make or break you, but the ongoing arguments probably were. You never loved the total budget tally, but you loved every piece of your wedding day, and so the money you spent was worth it.
I wish that you could hear this and believe it. Really and truly know it in your soul and not just because you’ve been trying to calm yourself with a wedding zen mantra. Because here’s the thing: your wedding will be worth it. In fact, it will be everything you need it to be. And more.
While it may be worth it, it won’t ever be easy. There will be fights. There will be breakdown moments, some over important things (having a small intimate wedding versus a large inclusive wedding) and some over unimportant things (stop stressing out about the free ugly chairs. Seriously. Stop it now. They aren’t thaaaaat ugly and no one noticed once they were sitting in them. Period.) Continue reading Wedding Graduates: Becca & Jason
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