Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’

Aug 2011

Our wedding anniversary is my favorite holiday. In all the hubbub leading up to getting married, no one told me the secret: in getting initiated into the tribe of married ladies, I was gaining a holiday that I'd never had. Anniversaries are like Christmas, but only the two of you know it's Christmas. Or Thanksgiving, when the rest of the world doesn't have the day off. It's just the two of you, getting drunk, giggling together, talking about how lucky you are to have each other, trading presents, eating a nice dinner, and thinking about where you've been and where you're going.

And for us, that's today. Two years ago, we got married, in a raw, joyful, exuberant party, where all of the people we loved gathered in one place to watch us make some huge vows. It was important. It was enormous. I never want to do it again. But two years later, I don't find myself reflecting much on the wedding. Like I said last year, these days the wedding feels like a gift, like a beginning. Today, two years later, I find myself reflecting on where we've been and the life we've built together.

I'm thinking about a year ago, when we were in Rome, fighting, adventuring, drinking a huge amount of wine, laughing hard. I'm thinking about how, in the last two years, David graduated law school, passed two bars, got a job where he is building a practice and is allowed to build a home life as well. I'm thinking about how David supported me through a job I found emotionally difficult, how he pushed me to write a book proposal, to power through the hard parts of selling the book, to write the book, to quit my job, to build a business.

I'm thinking about how our relationship has grown, as we continue to work to build the kind of life we want and tell lots of jokes along the way. I'm thinking about the way being married has made me a braver person. How David makes me buy international plane tickets (not just sit on the couch freaking out about how I'd like to travel, but it's too expensive). How he tells me that life is too short to not quit my job. How he tells me to stop worrying and enjoy what we've got.

So when I look back at our wedding day, I see a gift. Because if that one amazing, beautiful day laid the foundation for what I've got now, how can I be anything other than profoundly grateful?

So this is to my husband, to our not-so-new-anymore family, to us. May tonight find us with glasses of wine in our hands, laughing, and celebrating the journey. As beautiful as our wedding pictures are, these days they seem like just a glimmering hint of the blazing sunlight ahead.

Photo: Our wedding by One Love Photo (As with all of our wedding photos, I ask that you please not re-post them. Thanks.)

Posted in: Life, Marriage, Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts, Reclaiming Wife | 67 Comments »

Aug 2011

Reclaiming Wife: Babies Don’t Ruin Your Marriage

Long time readers, or those who spend any time at all in the comments section, know all about the fabulous Liz. She got hitched, gave us tips on throwing a dessert reception, told us all about saving sex till her wedding night, and moderated APW for me last year when I was on vacation. She's sane, feminist, and super wise. This year she had a baby, and over the last week she wrote a must-read series debunking myths about why babies are scary, using good common sense. You should read all of it. But the one that really grabbed my attention was her treatise on why babies do not, in fact, ruin marriages. She's allowing me to re-post it here, and if you're even thinking about maybe having a baby one day, you must read it. Also, you have to read it if you're ever haunted by a world full of you'll seeeee's. So basically, you all have to read it. So without further ado, here is Liz.

A few months into pregnancy—just long enough that I was hormonally crazy, but not too long that I was yet over my hyperventilating fear of having a baby—I was washing dishes while Josh finished some work on his computer. A song came on the radio, and Josh snuck into the kitchen, swept me into his arms, and we did a corny slow dance, my face nuzzled in his neck.

Eventually, he (not as oblivious as I often think) noticed that I was quietly sobbing, my mascara running down his t-shirt.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't want anything to chaaaange..." I blubbered through snot and tears.

Your typical preggo prepares for Baby by stocking up on diapers, or by socking away bits of money. Yours truly spent every last cent on fancy dinners with the husband—each one treated as if it was our last meal. In a sense, we thought it was.

See, as soon as you find out you're pregnant, everyone begins to warn you of the impending doom of your marriage. They say the romance dies, you never have sex again, you forget what your husband even looks like.

IGNORE THESE PEOPLE. Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: Babies Don’t Ruin Your Marriage

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife | 237 Comments »

Aug 2011

What Sailing Across The Ocean Teaches You About Marriage

Long time readers will remember The Hillrat's Voyage. Sara and her husband Stof married in a blazingly honest ceremony in South Africa. Then, when they started to ponder what they wanted their married life to look like, the decided to dive into the most bravely adventurous thing they could think of: sailing (and otherwise traveling) across the Pacific Rim (and blogging while doing it). Sara and Stoff just finished their Pacific crossing in a sail boat, and Sara is here to tell us what she learned about her marriage throughout the journey (she wrote this post out long hand, during the trip). Without further ado, one of the APW Staff's favorite features:

Gosh! It has been an age. You'd think that I had been hiding out in the middle of the Pacific... (groan).

I last wrote for APW about being a wife in the thrust of travel adventure. My husband and I had landed in Mexico and finally reunited with our sailboat, the lovely Laura Takalani. We had a crazy two month period to work and get our boat ready for a voyage across the Pacific, then one Wednesday in mid-April (after hitting the organic market for a final provision) we finally set sail.

It soon became apparent that we had spent so much time preparing the boat for an ocean crossing that we (I) had neglected to mentally prepare ourselves (myself). Those of you lovelies who are following our adventure will know that I found it all rather terrifying. Of course, terror begets exhilaration and I have spent some time reflecting on how personally fulfilling it was to have done such a big scary audacious thing.

I have not yet written about what that ocean crossing did for our marriage. We spent some time "negotiating" power shifts. Stof sails like he was born to; I am cautious of physical challenges that are unfamiliar (like sailing) and somewhat awe-struck by the sea. This meant that we had to recalculate how to meet challenges. I had to learn some humility. Stof had to learn some patience. We both had to learn teamwork and serious trust. Twenty three days after leaving Mexico, we made landfall at Hiva Oa in the Marquesas Islands with a marriage galvanised by an ocean. We were in love with the verdant mountains, dramatic shoreline and cheap baguettes (in a country where everything is ridic expensive). Mainly, we were really proud of ourselves, of each other, and of Team Hillratt.

Since then, Stof and I have been swanning around a series of paradise islands. Welcome to our lives for 2011! We have also been spending a serious amount of time in each others' company in a rather small sailboat.

In order to illustrate what this has meant for us, allow me to steal an analogy I once heard: Finding a marriage partner is a little like finding the perfect pair of hiking boots.* Continue reading What Sailing Across The Ocean Teaches You About Marriage

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife | 39 Comments »

Jun 2011

Reclaiming Wife: Choosing Gay Babies

APW sponsor Kelly Prizel is here, talking about her thought process on having Gay Babies. Reading her post, I really thought about my fertility situation and resolved once again, not to take it for granted. But more than that, I was struck by how similar we all are, at our core. I was struck by how the overwhelming terror of pondering children is just the same, gay or straight. It's just when you're gay, it's way, way, more complicated logistically, right from the get-go. So, here is Kelly, talking about one of my favorite things in the whole world, babies with two mommies:

So maybe you were expecting a drama-filled post about the struggle with my family being upset that I’m considering having children. Gay babies. Gaybies. And there is that. But actually, right now, I care a whole lot less about what other people are thinking and a whole lot more about me. Because I don’t know what the f*ck I think. I’m paralyzed. And I’m paralyzed by something that I’ve been trying to promote and push for my entire life: choice.

It wasn’t too long ago that there weren’t that many options for two women who wanted to have a baby. Doctors refusing treatment; sperm banks not working with lesbians. There just weren’t choices. And in some countries and states, that's still unfortunately the case. So I am thankful that I have so many options. But it’s killing me. I feel like I’m in the oft-cited survey where people were shown a table with six jars of jam and others were shown a table with 24 jars of jam. The people shown only six jars bought more jam. I would like to buy some jam. But there seem to be 500 different kinds.

Growing up, I thought you got married, got pregnant, you had a baby, TADA! There were no such thing as miscarriages, infertility, and certainly not gay people trying to have babies. And sometimes I get angry that I can’t just have a romance-filled night, and suddenly, whoops, I’m pregnant! And while some straight people have to go down the path of medical intervention and testing and stuff, most start out with this happy, beautiful dream. But I don’t get that dream. I’ll never get the privilege of looking at my baby and guessing if his or her eyes are from my wife and if his or her toes are from me. Once, when I was talking to one of my best friends about this and how much I want our donor to look like Natalie, I started sobbing when Natalie said in a matter-of-fact way, “Well, it won’t ever look exactly like me.” Because I struggle with trying to make that dream happen even though it’s not realistic. It still hovers in the back of my mind-- if I find just the right donor, or if I find just the right fertility treatment, if I do things just right the baby will look like our baby. Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: Choosing Gay Babies

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife, Thoughts & Action | 85 Comments »

Jun 2011

Reclaiming Wife: Lesbian Wife

This morning's post is from Elizabeth at A Homegrown Wedding. Her pondering on finding a way to be a wife on our own terms strikes to the core of what Reclaiming Wife has always been about for me. Being a bride is tricky and culturally loaded, but being a wife seems so much more complicated. Though, these days, watching so many of you own the term, I'm honored to be in your company. So take it away, Elizabeth:

I’m not a wife yet; I must wait until August 20th to officially claim the title. Though, technically, I can’t get legally married so I don’t feel bad claiming my wifeliness a little early, although I have been “domesticated” in the state of Washington.

I started to reclaim what being a wife meant a long time ago, I think I was 14 when I first started to think about what it meant to be a wife and be gay. I don’t think my 14 year old self is alone in struggling with how sexuality and a future baby family mesh together. My mom was the classic wife; homemade bread and cookies, dinner on the table by 5:30, and an abundant garden. Incidentally, she reclaimed wife in her own right as a product of the woman’s movement in the 70’s. She left her full-time, paycheck-producing job to be a stay-at-home-mom in 1990. Our culture is full of images of what a “good wife” looks like, but have you ever seen a “good gay wife”? Is there such a thing? I’ve spent the past 10 years looking for an image of the kind of wife I want to be. I’m not a stone butch lesbian, and my stiletto skills can’t hold a candle to The L Word Divas. Most days, I trade in my lipstick for an organic lipgloss, but I have a really great haircut and can rock a scarf better than Julia Roberts (not that she is gay, but we can hope right?). I love to cook (real food, from scratch), can’t wait to have kids, and would give anything to have the kind of life where I can stay home with the kids and write a cookbook for a living.

Somehow the LGBTQ community, which has spent years breaking down stereotypes, has very strongly held parameters for what it means to be a lesbian, and my rather classic and traditional personal expectations of being a wife doesn’t mesh. I am simultaneously not gay enough to be a good lesbian, and not straight enough to be a good wife. Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: Lesbian Wife

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife, Thoughts & Action | 44 Comments »

Jun 2011

Keeping Secrets Makes My Marriage Work

Lately, I've been reading all over the d*mn place the idea that, 'secrets, any kind of secrets, destroy a marriage.' I've read it in articles about marital finances (we should disclose everything we spend on everything to our partners), I've read it on articles about emotional infidelity (we should tell our partners our every thought we have, and not tell other people those thoughts), I've read it in woman's magazines and major papers. Hell, I read it in the APW book club pick.

And I call bullshit.

I think that secrets (small, appropriate secrets) are the secret sauce of what makes my marriage work. I am, in fact, pro-marital secrets, if kept in mutually acceptable ways. (Side note: I just asked David about this, and he said, "Loyalty is way more important to a marriage than total honesty.")

Let me lay out a small list of secrets I keep from my husband (who knows full well I keep these things to myself):

My Journals. I've been an avid journal keeper since I was 12 (which makes it increasingly heavy difficult to move). And for as long as I've dated people, I've had a stated policy, "If you read my journals, I will gouge out your eyeballs, and then we will break up." That still holds true in marriage, though we can replace "break up" with "screaming fight followed by therapy." I need my personal space to work through my thoughts and vent and figure things out. My journals are an extension of my brain, which my husband ALSO does not have unlimited access too.
My spending money. Though I've talked at length about how David and I totally merged our finances when we got hitched, let's be clear: I like having control of my money. Maybe it was the fact that I'd been an independent adult for a decade when we got married, maybe it's the fact that I run my own business and that makes me extra attached to the money I bring in, or maybe it's just my personality. But the bottom line is: I like spending my money without asking anyone's d*mn permission. So when I read about how I should never have financial secrets, of any size, from my partner, I laugh. Sometimes I splurge on expensive(ish) dresses or jewelry with my pocket money and don't tell my husband. Sometimes I even splurge with non-pocket money (and don't tell him till later). And you know what? It works out just fine.
Who I think is hot. Not his business, most of the time. (And yes, I obviously think people are hot other than my partner.)
What I talk about with my friends. Not his business. Emotional infidelity, I might have you, if talking sh*t to my friends now and then is a symptom. Continue reading Keeping Secrets Makes My Marriage Work

Posted in: Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts, Reclaiming Wife | 172 Comments »

Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’

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