Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’

May 2012

Ask Team Practical: Finding Time for Friends

My wedding is coming up in a couple of months and I’m the first of my friends/cousins/extended family to get married. One of my friends lives with her boyfriend, but she lives in another state, so I don't see her much. None of my other friends or family members are in serious committed relationships, nor do they cohabitate with a significant other. I find myself worrying about how my life is going to change once I'm married, especially regarding my relationships with friends and the amount of time I spend with them.

I have a feeling that not only will my day-to-day life change drastically (I currently do not live with my fiancé), but the amount of time, money, and energy I spend on going out and seeing friends after work, on weekends, etc. will also change. My fiancé is not one of those guys who expects me to be home to make dinner every night, doting on him or spending all my free time working on/cleaning our new apartment. We are respectful of each other's outside interests and friendships, and I know that will continue into our marriage. At the same time, we are trying to save money for a home, pay off debt, and get settled into a new routine together—financially, spiritually, emotionally. I know that I want to devote myself, first and foremost, to the new challenges, responsibilities, and rewards that marriage will present to me. To do this, I feel that my time spent with friends will need to be more limited than it is now—going out with friends can be expensive, and at the current rate, time-consuming.

In the process of planning my wedding, I've had two friends express to me that they're worried about my priorities. (I am not letting the wedding run my life—I have a job and a recently finished Master's degree.) I've expressed that time, money, and energy have been limited lately because I am making a few different major life transitions at the same time, and I'm spread thin right now. But they don't seem to understand, and it's heartbreaking.

I realize that growing a spine and defending my new lifestyle when friends don't "get it" is the first step, but how can I do this in a tactful way? How have married women learned to manage their relationships with friends post-marriage? What if my friends don't understand my new set of goals and priorities?

Thank you!

Scared Librarian Intimidated by Marriage

Dear SLIM,

Hello, marriage trailblazer! I know how you feel! I, too, was the first of friends to marry, and it's a weird place to be. An important thing to remember is that, married or not, as we get older we ALL experience a shift in priorities—away from friends and toward work, dating, career, family. The fact that I don’t have time and money to go clubbing every night has less to do with being married and more to do with being a grown-up. (Paying rent and waking up at six in the morning sort of get in the way of that whole thing.) But that growing-up business doesn’t always represent a change in priorities. Sometimes, like I said, it's just a shift. My life might not completely revolve around hanging out with friends and listening to Boyz II Men the way it once did, but friends are still a priority (and so are Boyz II Men, let's be honest).

I’m gonna make an assumption and say that your partner is already a big piece of your life, even though you're not yet married. In fact, I bet he takes up a good chunk of your time, money and energy already. That might not change as drastically as you think after the wedding. Who knows. Some folks find they have more time and money for friends, hobbies, and other pursuits once they’re married for the simple fact that now, someone else is pitching in with the chores and the checks. Everything won’t be on your plate alone. Those big adult responsibilities are split. Plus, there’s a happy settledness to being married. I still set aside special time for my husband, but I don’t need to do so as much because I live with him now. I get to see him during dinner and when I fall asleep. Seeing him is the default, now, not another thing in the long checklist of obligations to schedule.

What I’m trying to get to in my own rambly, roundabout way is that having a community of friendships around is invaluable. Hunkering down into your blissful newlywed bubble may be tempting. You may feel a little introverted at first as you focus on one another and laying that emotional, spiritual foundation you mentioned. But, keep in mind that eventually you'll need to come up for air. You'll need your community. They'll need you. And maintaining those friendships is worth the investment of a bit of time and money. For several reasons! I mean, you care about these people, right? Plus, it’s a good policy to have some close friends during a time of big life changes and transitions. You’re getting married! You’re facing the possibility of some serious highs and extreme lows pretty soon as you adjust to this marriage stuff. For flat out selfish reasons alone, you’ll want to make time for these people for your own emotional health and stability.

Also, so much of your life becomes entwined with your husband through marriage—your living arrangements, your families, your long-term goals, possibly your finances—having some friends and hobbies of your own is really important to maintaining a sane sense of independent self. Unless you want to become one of those couples in the matching jogging suits and fanny packs? (Hint: no one wants to become those couples in the matching jogging suits and fanny packs.)

And less selfishly, more altruistically, being married may provide the stable foundation to allow you to give back to your community. Because my husband and I are a team, we can work together to offer money, a meal, a place to stay when a friend needs help. We combine not just our finances, but also our complementary abilities to be able to help friends in a wider variety of ways. And luckily, because my husband and I have so much in common, he's naturally inclined to like the same people I like. Of course, that's not always true for everyone. But even if your husband doesn't love all your friends the way you do, the hope is that he'll respect their value in your life (whether or not he chooses to sit out of the midnight Boyz II Men karaoke hour at the bar). Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Finding Time for Friends

Posted in: Ask Team Practical | 88 Comments »

Aug 2011

Two Years Ago Today…

Our wedding anniversary is my favorite holiday. In all the hubbub leading up to getting married, no one told me the secret: in getting initiated into the tribe of married ladies, I was gaining a holiday that I'd never had. Anniversaries are like Christmas, but only the two of you know it's Christmas. Or Thanksgiving, when the rest of the world doesn't have the day off. It's just the two of you, getting drunk, giggling together, talking about how lucky you are to have each other, trading presents, eating a nice dinner, and thinking about where you've been and where you're going.

And for us, that's today. Two years ago, we got married, in a raw, joyful, exuberant party, where all of the people we loved gathered in one place to watch us make some huge vows. It was important. It was enormous. I never want to do it again. But two years later, I don't find myself reflecting much on the wedding. Like I said last year, these days the wedding feels like a gift, like a beginning. Today, two years later, I find myself reflecting on where we've been and the life we've built together.

I'm thinking about a year ago, when we were in Rome, fighting, adventuring, drinking a huge amount of wine, laughing hard. I'm thinking about how, in the last two years, David graduated law school, passed two bars, got a job where he is building a practice and is allowed to build a home life as well. I'm thinking about how David supported me through a job I found emotionally difficult, how he pushed me to write a book proposal, to power through the hard parts of selling the book, to write the book, to quit my job, to build a business.

I'm thinking about how our relationship has grown, as we continue to work to build the kind of life we want and tell lots of jokes along the way. I'm thinking about the way being married has made me a braver person. How David makes me buy international plane tickets (not just sit on the couch freaking out about how I'd like to travel, but it's too expensive). How he tells me that life is too short to not quit my job. How he tells me to stop worrying and enjoy what we've got.

So when I look back at our wedding day, I see a gift. Because if that one amazing, beautiful day laid the foundation for what I've got now, how can I be anything other than profoundly grateful?

So this is to my husband, to our not-so-new-anymore family, to us. May tonight find us with glasses of wine in our hands, laughing, and celebrating the journey. As beautiful as our wedding pictures are, these days they seem like just a glimmering hint of the blazing sunlight ahead.

Photo: Our wedding by One Love Photo (As with all of our wedding photos, I ask that you please not re-post them. Thanks.)

Posted in: Life, Marriage, Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts, Reclaiming Wife | 67 Comments »

Aug 2011

Reclaiming Wife: Babies Don’t Ruin Your Marriage

Long time readers, or those who spend any time at all in the comments section, know all about the fabulous Liz. She got hitched, gave us tips on throwing a dessert reception, told us all about saving sex till her wedding night, and moderated APW for me last year when I was on vacation. She's sane, feminist, and super wise. This year she had a baby, and over the last week she wrote a must-read series debunking myths about why babies are scary, using good common sense. You should read all of it. But the one that really grabbed my attention was her treatise on why babies do not, in fact, ruin marriages. She's allowing me to re-post it here, and if you're even thinking about maybe having a baby one day, you must read it. Also, you have to read it if you're ever haunted by a world full of you'll seeeee's. So basically, you all have to read it. So without further ado, here is Liz.

A few months into pregnancy—just long enough that I was hormonally crazy, but not too long that I was yet over my hyperventilating fear of having a baby—I was washing dishes while Josh finished some work on his computer. A song came on the radio, and Josh snuck into the kitchen, swept me into his arms, and we did a corny slow dance, my face nuzzled in his neck.

Eventually, he (not as oblivious as I often think) noticed that I was quietly sobbing, my mascara running down his t-shirt.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't want anything to chaaaange..." I blubbered through snot and tears.

Your typical preggo prepares for Baby by stocking up on diapers, or by socking away bits of money. Yours truly spent every last cent on fancy dinners with the husband—each one treated as if it was our last meal. In a sense, we thought it was.

See, as soon as you find out you're pregnant, everyone begins to warn you of the impending doom of your marriage. They say the romance dies, you never have sex again, you forget what your husband even looks like.

IGNORE THESE PEOPLE. Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: Babies Don’t Ruin Your Marriage

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife | 237 Comments »

Aug 2011

What Sailing Across The Ocean Teaches You About Marriage

Long time readers will remember The Hillrat's Voyage. Sara and her husband Stof married in a blazingly honest ceremony in South Africa. Then, when they started to ponder what they wanted their married life to look like, the decided to dive into the most bravely adventurous thing they could think of: sailing (and otherwise traveling) across the Pacific Rim (and blogging while doing it). Sara and Stoff just finished their Pacific crossing in a sail boat, and Sara is here to tell us what she learned about her marriage throughout the journey (she wrote this post out long hand, during the trip). Without further ado, one of the APW Staff's favorite features:

Gosh! It has been an age. You'd think that I had been hiding out in the middle of the Pacific... (groan).

I last wrote for APW about being a wife in the thrust of travel adventure. My husband and I had landed in Mexico and finally reunited with our sailboat, the lovely Laura Takalani. We had a crazy two month period to work and get our boat ready for a voyage across the Pacific, then one Wednesday in mid-April (after hitting the organic market for a final provision) we finally set sail.

It soon became apparent that we had spent so much time preparing the boat for an ocean crossing that we (I) had neglected to mentally prepare ourselves (myself). Those of you lovelies who are following our adventure will know that I found it all rather terrifying. Of course, terror begets exhilaration and I have spent some time reflecting on how personally fulfilling it was to have done such a big scary audacious thing.

I have not yet written about what that ocean crossing did for our marriage. We spent some time "negotiating" power shifts. Stof sails like he was born to; I am cautious of physical challenges that are unfamiliar (like sailing) and somewhat awe-struck by the sea. This meant that we had to recalculate how to meet challenges. I had to learn some humility. Stof had to learn some patience. We both had to learn teamwork and serious trust. Twenty three days after leaving Mexico, we made landfall at Hiva Oa in the Marquesas Islands with a marriage galvanised by an ocean. We were in love with the verdant mountains, dramatic shoreline and cheap baguettes (in a country where everything is ridic expensive). Mainly, we were really proud of ourselves, of each other, and of Team Hillratt.

Since then, Stof and I have been swanning around a series of paradise islands. Welcome to our lives for 2011! We have also been spending a serious amount of time in each others' company in a rather small sailboat.

In order to illustrate what this has meant for us, allow me to steal an analogy I once heard: Finding a marriage partner is a little like finding the perfect pair of hiking boots.* Continue reading What Sailing Across The Ocean Teaches You About Marriage

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife | 39 Comments »

Jun 2011

Reclaiming Wife: Choosing Gay Babies

APW sponsor Kelly Prizel is here, talking about her thought process on having Gay Babies. Reading her post, I really thought about my fertility situation and resolved once again, not to take it for granted. But more than that, I was struck by how similar we all are, at our core. I was struck by how the overwhelming terror of pondering children is just the same, gay or straight. It's just when you're gay, it's way, way, more complicated logistically, right from the get-go. So, here is Kelly, talking about one of my favorite things in the whole world, babies with two mommies:

So maybe you were expecting a drama-filled post about the struggle with my family being upset that I’m considering having children. Gay babies. Gaybies. And there is that. But actually, right now, I care a whole lot less about what other people are thinking and a whole lot more about me. Because I don’t know what the f*ck I think. I’m paralyzed. And I’m paralyzed by something that I’ve been trying to promote and push for my entire life: choice.

It wasn’t too long ago that there weren’t that many options for two women who wanted to have a baby. Doctors refusing treatment; sperm banks not working with lesbians. There just weren’t choices. And in some countries and states, that's still unfortunately the case. So I am thankful that I have so many options. But it’s killing me. I feel like I’m in the oft-cited survey where people were shown a table with six jars of jam and others were shown a table with 24 jars of jam. The people shown only six jars bought more jam. I would like to buy some jam. But there seem to be 500 different kinds.

Growing up, I thought you got married, got pregnant, you had a baby, TADA! There were no such thing as miscarriages, infertility, and certainly not gay people trying to have babies. And sometimes I get angry that I can’t just have a romance-filled night, and suddenly, whoops, I’m pregnant! And while some straight people have to go down the path of medical intervention and testing and stuff, most start out with this happy, beautiful dream. But I don’t get that dream. I’ll never get the privilege of looking at my baby and guessing if his or her eyes are from my wife and if his or her toes are from me. Once, when I was talking to one of my best friends about this and how much I want our donor to look like Natalie, I started sobbing when Natalie said in a matter-of-fact way, “Well, it won’t ever look exactly like me.” Because I struggle with trying to make that dream happen even though it’s not realistic. It still hovers in the back of my mind-- if I find just the right donor, or if I find just the right fertility treatment, if I do things just right the baby will look like our baby. Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: Choosing Gay Babies

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife, Thoughts & Action | 85 Comments »

Jun 2011

Reclaiming Wife: Lesbian Wife

This morning's post is from Elizabeth at A Homegrown Wedding. Her pondering on finding a way to be a wife on our own terms strikes to the core of what Reclaiming Wife has always been about for me. Being a bride is tricky and culturally loaded, but being a wife seems so much more complicated. Though, these days, watching so many of you own the term, I'm honored to be in your company. So take it away, Elizabeth:

I’m not a wife yet; I must wait until August 20th to officially claim the title. Though, technically, I can’t get legally married so I don’t feel bad claiming my wifeliness a little early, although I have been “domesticated” in the state of Washington.

I started to reclaim what being a wife meant a long time ago, I think I was 14 when I first started to think about what it meant to be a wife and be gay. I don’t think my 14 year old self is alone in struggling with how sexuality and a future baby family mesh together. My mom was the classic wife; homemade bread and cookies, dinner on the table by 5:30, and an abundant garden. Incidentally, she reclaimed wife in her own right as a product of the woman’s movement in the 70’s. She left her full-time, paycheck-producing job to be a stay-at-home-mom in 1990. Our culture is full of images of what a “good wife” looks like, but have you ever seen a “good gay wife”? Is there such a thing? I’ve spent the past 10 years looking for an image of the kind of wife I want to be. I’m not a stone butch lesbian, and my stiletto skills can’t hold a candle to The L Word Divas. Most days, I trade in my lipstick for an organic lipgloss, but I have a really great haircut and can rock a scarf better than Julia Roberts (not that she is gay, but we can hope right?). I love to cook (real food, from scratch), can’t wait to have kids, and would give anything to have the kind of life where I can stay home with the kids and write a cookbook for a living.

Somehow the LGBTQ community, which has spent years breaking down stereotypes, has very strongly held parameters for what it means to be a lesbian, and my rather classic and traditional personal expectations of being a wife doesn’t mesh. I am simultaneously not gay enough to be a good lesbian, and not straight enough to be a good wife. Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: Lesbian Wife

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife, Thoughts & Action | 44 Comments »