Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’

Jun 2011

Lately, I've been reading all over the d*mn place the idea that, 'secrets, any kind of secrets, destroy a marriage.' I've read it in articles about marital finances (we should disclose everything we spend on everything to our partners), I've read it on articles about emotional infidelity (we should tell our partners our every thought we have, and not tell other people those thoughts), I've read it in woman's magazines and major papers. Hell, I read it in the APW book club pick.

And I call bullshit.

I think that secrets (small, appropriate secrets) are the secret sauce of what makes my marriage work. I am, in fact, pro-marital secrets, if kept in mutually acceptable ways. (Side note: I just asked David about this, and he said, "Loyalty is way more important to a marriage than total honesty.")

Let me lay out a small list of secrets I keep from my husband (who knows full well I keep these things to myself):

My Journals. I've been an avid journal keeper since I was 12 (which makes it increasingly heavy difficult to move). And for as long as I've dated people, I've had a stated policy, "If you read my journals, I will gouge out your eyeballs, and then we will break up." That still holds true in marriage, though we can replace "break up" with "screaming fight followed by therapy." I need my personal space to work through my thoughts and vent and figure things out. My journals are an extension of my brain, which my husband ALSO does not have unlimited access too.
My spending money. Though I've talked at length about how David and I totally merged our finances when we got hitched, let's be clear: I like having control of my money. Maybe it was the fact that I'd been an independent adult for a decade when we got married, maybe it's the fact that I run my own business and that makes me extra attached to the money I bring in, or maybe it's just my personality. But the bottom line is: I like spending my money without asking anyone's d*mn permission. So when I read about how I should never have financial secrets, of any size, from my partner, I laugh. Sometimes I splurge on expensive(ish) dresses or jewelry with my pocket money and don't tell my husband. Sometimes I even splurge with non-pocket money (and don't tell him till later). And you know what? It works out just fine.
Who I think is hot. Not his business, most of the time. (And yes, I obviously think people are hot other than my partner.)
What I talk about with my friends. Not his business. Emotional infidelity, I might have you, if talking sh*t to my friends now and then is a symptom. Continue reading Keeping Secrets Makes My Marriage Work

Posted in: Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts, Reclaiming Wife | 173 Comments »

Jun 2011

Reclaiming Wife: Study and Subvert

When doing my weekly slow browse through the New York Times Magazine, I came across this gem in and article about the modern Disney road trip by John Jeremiah Sullivan:

M. J. often springs trips and appointments on me, in some cases literally overnight, knowing that if she removes the time factor, I won’t be able to generate bogus neurotic back-out plans. Many of the best vacation memories of my life I owe to these strategies, which prove again a useful principle for all couples: don’t try to change each other. Study and subvert each other.

A recent conversation with David:

Me: Gina says that it never works to try to change my mind directly, but if she convinces me that her idea was actually my idea in the first place, I just don't remember it, then I'm delighted to go along with the new plan. Isn't that genius?

David: I've been doing that for years.

Study and subvert.

Picture: Sunday Dim Sum, makeup-less

Posted in: Life, Marriage, Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts, Reclaiming Wife | 44 Comments »

Jun 2011

Reclaiming Wife: Why My Wedding Was Not Like My Birthday

Today Ashley, who writes at Newly L.A., is here to talk about what changed for her after getting married, the process of building her baby family. You'll remember Ashley from her parents Vintage Wedding in Golden Gate Park. Here she talks about building the foundation for expanding her family one day, but I think the idea of the transformative power of marriage, the creation of family and permanence, holds true whether or not we ever plan to add people to our family. So here is Ashley, discussing why her wedding was not, in fact, like her birthday

When I imagined waking up on the morning after my wedding, I thought it would be just like waking up on the morning of my birthday – everyone mockingly asking “how does it feel?” and me answering, as expected, “same as yesterday.” Not that I didn’t think our wedding would be a totally awesome celebration; I just thought it would be more like a big party than a game changer. We had been together for five years; what could a few promises and a license have on us, right?

But it turns out, for me, getting married was most definitely not like turning a year older, and being married is definitely not like being not married. The difference is that now, we have albums.

When I was engaged, I spent a good amount of time thinking about the merger of our two extended families – you know, the usual issues of how we would split up holidays and handle family gatherings. But my thoughts never extended past my static vision of “family” where I played the role of daughter, granddaughter, niece. What I failed to wrap my head around was the fact that our wedding would also mark the transformation of my life-date into my closest family member, my emergency contact, and the face connected to mine by a horizontal line on the family tree diagram. How do you conceptualize something so hugely transformative?

With pictures.

Just before our wedding, I was looking at old family photos of my parents as newlyweds and me as a child, and I had a moment where I felt my perspective shift. I realized that my parents must have consciously preserved these memories in anticipation of sharing these albums with me when I came along, and I had a vision of me and my fiance on the other side of this scene one day, sharing our own family albums and explaining what it was like to be just married. It was a quiet, heavy realization, like an emotional handing off of responsibility. My parents had grown their family, and had collected their history in these albums, and now it was our turn, and our duty to cultivate our own family so that we would have a story to pass on when it expanded. And of course, to tell our story, we needed albums.

It was a daunting thought, taking on the responsibility of growing a new family. But after I recovered from my minor panic attack à la Carrie Bradshaw when she breaks into hives in the wedding dress shop, I was excited. Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: Why My Wedding Was Not Like My Birthday

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife | 53 Comments »

May 2011

Reclaiming Wife: The One Person Cheering Section

Over the last week, David took part in his first criminal trial. This is unrelated to his new job, and is, in fact, the last thing he was working on as part of the volunteer public interest law work he's been doing since September, but regardless, it was a big deal. He'd championed this case, spent hours researching it, talking it over, and meeting with the client. He'd even put off starting a paying job to work on it. (What can I say? Public interest law doesn't pay quite as well—though you'll never hear me say it pays poorly—but it's passionate work.)

So last week, thanks to my flexible working hours (yay APW), I hied myself down to the courthouse at 8am, and after an hour or so of working on the blog from the cafe, I was off to watch David do his first direct examination in front of a jury.

Well. I was off to watch David do his first real direct examination in front of a jury. Because, you see, due to a wonky twist of fate, I'm married to the person who led my High School Mock Trial Team's defense. I lead the prosecution. (I will still tell you that I was better than David, my pseudo nemesis, and he will still tell you he was better than me. The record only shows that we got the same vast number of awards, and I made the court laugh more often, while he leaned towards seriousness.) At the end of the day, someone asked if it was weird to see my husband arguing in front of the jury, and I said, "No. It was just weird to see him arguing in front of the jury for real."

But what really was intense was to see David doing work that was going to change the course of someone's life (for better or for worse). To see him help defend a case he really believed in, to see the defendant look at him with trust, to see the defendant smile at me with relief at the end of a long day of testimony.

Because let me tell you straight out: I was a terrible law school girlfriend (and later wife). Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: The One Person Cheering Section

Posted in: Life, Marriage, Meg's Thoughts, Personal Thoughts, Reclaiming Wife | 39 Comments »

May 2011

Reclaiming Wife: Sex and Insecurity

A few weeks ago, I asked for submissions on topics I really thought we should be talking about on APW, and one of those was: Sex. So I'm beyond delighted to kick off the sex discussion with the hilarious Ang of Lowbrow Events (APW sponsor) talking about battling through sexual insecurity and being covered in chocolate while naked. And, may I just point out? Not too many wedding planners are talking about their sex lives graphically on the internet, but Ang is a bad-ass, and told me, "I don't do many things anonymously, so won't start here." And with that, let\'s dive in.

{I have it on good authority that Ang's husband is grabbing her ass in this picture.}

I held onto my virginity until the age of 18, not because of some moral quandary (Although I was brought up in a very strict Christian home. We weren't allowed to watch football because the tight pants might inject some evil seed of lust), but through sheer naivete and poor self esteem. I remember one instance in particular, where I was 16 and hurt the feelings of a guy at work. I asked what I could do to make up for it so he asked me to jump up and down, which I did, the whole time saying "What? This makes no sense" while he stared at me with glazed over eyes. (When I was twenty something, reminiscing about the old days I was hit with the "OHHHHH! Boobs, now I get it!") I was totally oblivious to sex, even though my only friends then were five incredibly good looking guys, who's hot tubs I soaked in, and who's laps I'd fall asleep in. The only man who's ever touched me "in that way" is my husband. And I'm OK with that.

He, on the other hand, was what I endearingly call a male whore. Ridiculously good looking, a bad boy (what teenage girl doesn't want a bad boy?), and a pretty heavier partier back in the day. He had his share of girls, and being the blunt bastard he is, he's never hidden that.

To be honest, I never thought it'd bug me. I adored him, the sex we were having (in my totally noob mind) was great, and over the years it got SO much better. The icky doubts didn't creep in until we started talking marriage. Maybe it's because we were planning forever together, I started looking at him differently. Before, sex was just a good time, and now, well, we'd be having husband and wife sex, this will eventually bring babies, how am I going to keep his interest if we're going to be doing this for the next million years? (I plan on being immortal apparently). I just started seeing the act of carnal love through a distinctly skewed filter. Fixating on it, dwelling on it, obsessing about it.

When I did bring the issue up, it probably could've been handled better. Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: Sex and Insecurity

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife | 117 Comments »

Mar 2011

Losing A Baby & Forming A Family

I've been thinking a whole lot lately about marriage and loss. About not taking our partners for granted. About showing up every single day to be present in our relationships. And I've been thinking about the power of this institution, this changing, bending, evolving institution, and the way it's able to support us. The way this covenant is there for us when times get so hard we can hardly see our way out. All of this is my way of introducing Shana Rae, who's story is about birth and death and weddings and marriage and family. And as I say now and then, this is NSFW, in a sobbing kind of way. I lost it reading this post in a way I almost never do. Started sobbing, but at the end, felt like I'd learned and grown, felt like I carried something of Shana Rae in me. Which is why we tell our stories, I think. Or as Shana Rae so beautifully said to me, "So many times I'm convinced the world is a cipher, an endless vacuum set to suck, and then something happens and the interconnectedness of it all kisses my face." And with that, the woman herself:

I'd been married before. I’d had the $2000 dress and the Louboutin heels and an amazing ring with the wedding overlooking the fireworks that went off at midnight. I’d believed that a perfect wedding begot a perfect marriage. I'd deluded myself into thinking that the problems a couple has before marriage go away after the wedding. I left a really stellar man who didn't cheat, who didn’t spend the money or drink too much, in hopes that I could find someone who wanted to be actively engaged in building a powerfully deep relationship with me. I was plagued for years with the will-I-ever-be-satisfied? / what-is-wrong-with-me? panic as I went on dates with men who were not my partner.

I met Jared in a bar that reeked of 1974 with the smell of fried spam soaked into the shag carpeting. I'm not attracted to blonds as a general rule and let him know that right off the bat. I grinned that he was the exception. He replied in kind that he was not attracted to blond women, but that I wasn't so bad looking myself. Later, he made a joke that I had an Electra complex and it was over... I was in deep smit. He had timing, wit, an amazing smile AND he knew what the opposite of an Oedipus complex was. Random emails turned into texts, texts into lunches and when he moved to my city, I asked him out immediately.

We moved in together in the summer of 2010 and began making future plans. Jared wanted to go to law school and welcomed my input into the process. We'd be moving to the East or West Coast, it would happen late Summer 2011, we would get married before we moved. We had a plan.

Then, we found out we were pregnant.

I'd gone to the doctor for two issues. I'd had a stomach thing for weeks and it was crampy and tender to the touch. I'd also been playing roller derby and my neck was out of whack. I'd asked for an x-ray. They had me pee in a cup, and then draped me in a hospital gown while I waited in a freezing cold room, asking questions to keep my bearings. The x-ray tech told me I'd had a pregnancy test done as she was about to x-ray me. I asked, “Shouldn't we wait for the results before the x-ray?” She sighed, went to the telephone murmured a few uh-huhs, and annoyed, she stated, "I can't x-ray you. You're pregnant." I fell over. Excited. Terrified. Excited. Panicked. I revisited the doctor and she told me that I needed an ultrasound. Of course, I would. I know one gets ultrasound when pregnant. “When do I need to do that by?”

"Now," she replied. "You're going to the hospital now. We're concerned you have an ectopic pregnancy."

Atticus had our attention right from the beginning. From the moment we found out about him.

He wasn't ectopic. He was 7 weeks in the making. I'd gone to a roller derby boot camp and came in first place in a city-wide scavenger hunt and Been Pregnant The Whole Time. I couldn't believe my good fortune and the worry of becoming a mother consumed me immediately. Our plans shifted slightly. Getting married became a bigger priority. We would still move for law school. Baby was due in May of 2011. Wedding would be July 2011. The big move would be August of 2011. We would introduce everyone to him at the wedding just when babies start to look less like red faced drooling wrinkle machines and more like pink, plump perfect offspring. Recalibration of plan = DONE and DOABLE.

I drank water, did prenatal yoga, loved my expanding body. Jared and I put down payments on our venue, cupcakes, and oh yea, he officially asked me to marry him in November. I came home after class one night and he had made me a 3 layer Red Velvet cake from scratch and then got on one knee. We bought clothes as I grew out of them. We signed up for classes and settled into the idea that we really were about to become a family and we were happy, not just terrified. We were gonna rule this!

On January 11, 2011, I had my 6 month appointment with my Midwife. She cleared me as good to go and sent us on our way. The next day, I went into preterm labor. At 7pm, the staff was going to give me some fluids and send me home thinking my contractions were caused by dehydration. By 8pm, they had realized I was dilated between 3-4 centimeters and fully effaced. They hooked me up to a Magnesium Sulfate I.V. and injected me with the first of two steroid shots that would help speed up Atticus' lung development and give him a better chance if he delivered. They prayed he would sit tight for at least 48 hours, but first, we needed to make it through the first 24 hours.

I was terrified for his life, for my life. Continue reading Losing A Baby & Forming A Family

Posted in: Planning, Reclaiming Wife, The Hard Stuff, Wedding Graduates, Wedding Undergraduates | 115 Comments »