Posts Tagged ‘Planning’

May 2013

Open Thread: Getting Ready For Your Wedding

It’s that time. It’s May, which is usually the time that those of you getting married in the summer or the fall realize that, Holy Hell, this wedding is about to happen, and it’s time to lock down all the little things on your to-do list. I started this post with the intention of reminding you that as you’re scrambling to find a hair or makeup person that you suddenly realized you want to hire, or a florist, or a baker, or a musician, or a day-of coordinator, or the officiant you have yet to nail down, or… you name it, the APW vendor directory is here for you, with its awesome vendors who believe in this site and what it stands for, who believe in you, and who want to bring their magic to your wedding.

But as I was putting this post together, I dug back in the archives to four years ago, to see what I was going through at this particular juncture. I knew I was in the weeds of the details: buying booze, figuring out makeup, figuring out timing and setup. (We’ve got a lot of that covered now in our How To section, because I have straight up tried to create the resources that I wished I had at the time.) But what I found in the archives was actually terror. May, four years ago, I was wondering what our wedding meant, and what marriage meant, and if I could have a wedding that reflected who we were, a wedding that would be a symbol of a marriage that reflects who we are. That post, and the one about my worries around makeup and feminism are good reads (and talk about emotions I’d forgotten). And four years later, living in a little house with a little baby, I was overwhelmed by reading those posts. I realize now that by facing those fears, I was able to answer them.

Our wedding was wonderful, and full of who we were. Our marriage is better. Four years ago I said, “But now, as the invitations go out, and the wedding becomes not just our thing anymore, I’m scared that the power of ‘how things are done’ will overcome ‘how we are doing things.’” That was the right fear. The answer is to keep facing it every day.

So. Your last-minute wedding worries might run a little on the existential side. Or maybe you still need a bouquet. For the former, see above. For the latter: The APW Vendor Directory.

And for those of you in the Bay Area, I wanted to give the nod to our amazing APW creative teams that work with us on tutorials. I would hire any of these women in a heartbeat (and do, in fact, when I need my hair done, or some flowers arranged), and I wish I’d known about them years ago. For hair: Maddie’s now personal stylist (and my fancy hair go-to girl), the beyond excellent Yesenia Guinea in Berkeley and Oakland, the hip and super nice Nichole Kreps in San Francisco. For makeup: the fabulous Nikol Elaine. For both: the crazy talented and retro Fox and Doll Hair and Makeup. And the floral studios: Green Snapdragon in Wine Country, and my local go-to, Natalie at Belle-flower in Emeryville. You’ll be in good hands.

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And now, I throw it to those of you in the trenches of wedding planning. What are your joys and fears right this second? What are your logistical hurdles (or hell, your fears about logistics)? Questions and answers in the comments.

Posted in: Uncategorized | 359 Comments »

Apr 2013

Pizza & Beer

Lets be for real: wedding planning is not always that easy, or fun. We have yesterday’s four hundred plus comments worth of wedding problem solving to prove it. Sometimes, we have to shake it all off and focus on what’s going right amid the small sadnesses of things that are not the way we wanted them to be. Today’s anonymous post does that beautifully, and it also reminds us that sometimes we have to meet our family and friends halfway. So let’s do this thing. Let’s share our small wedding goodnesses.

—Meg

The Good.

Before I get to the good, let me give you the background. After a long February where we told our respective parents that we decided we were getting married, which led to my mother stating she thought our venue looked cheap, our menu was an embarrassment, and that she would not go to the wedding if we served pizza; my friends giving me backwards compliments, or telling me “reservations” they had about us getting married; and another friend stating we weren’t engaged since he didn’t propose and give me a ring. (FYI, he did propose, but I’m keeping that secret, because what did ESB say about shaking that glitter off?), things finally started falling into place.

The Good

After a calm-down session/weekend, I sat with my mom and dad and spoke about what we all envisioned and why my mom felt so strongly. Turns out she wanted better for my wedding than she was able to have. My dad and I had to explain to her that my fiancé and I didn’t care about fancy stuff, we just wanted to be married and to celebrate that with family and friends. The compromise—we decided to minimize the guest list, have a backyard bash with pizza and beer, and she could add whatever food she wanted. I am really happy that we are on the same page and that I get to have her help with this wedding, because trust me I need it. (Oh and my mom and I went dress shopping this past weekend and found a dress!)

The Good

With all the backhanded compliments…there were many friends that came through. People who I thought might be reserved are genuinely happy for us and I’ve had a lot of friends offer to make us bouquets, one thousand paper cranes, decorations for our backyard bash, or help find a DJ or a wedding photographer. I love them, their happiness, and their excitement. Continue reading Pizza & Beer

Posted in: Planning, Wedding Undergraduates | 26 Comments »

Mar 2013

Those People vs. Me

To kick off “Decided” month (keep an eye out for Meg’s monthly letter-from-the-editor this afternoon), we thought we’d start with a post that gets right to the heart of why we’re talking about this to begin with. Because any time you make a decision, be it about weddings, children, jobs, or life in general, there will inevitably be someone there, ready to question your choice. As a result, we spend a good amount of time during milestone events defending our decisions rather than celebrating the accomplishment of having decided. And frequently, as I’ve found it, having to defend our choices can be so much harder than making them to begin with. So now I’ll hand this over to Rebecca Edwards, who seems to have figured out the secret to wedding planning and keeping all of that subsequent second-guessing at bay.

—Maddie

I think weddings are amazing. They are a public recognition of one’s love for another and the community that surrounds them. They are a gathering of people, places, and things that mean something to two people. They are an amazing excuse to gather all your family, friends, and loved ones in one spot, even if just for one night. That opportunity will only arise a few times in your lifetime. They are also a great excuse to get dressed up, to celebrate, and, well, to dance your butt off with your great aunt you haven’t seen in six years.

You know what else weddings are? Weddings are an overwhelming conglomerate of decisions. Decisions about the overall feel of your wedding, the theme, the colors, location, food, alcohol, timing, music, who to invite, and probably everyone’s favorite decision: how to afford it all. These are decisions that require you taking your partner’s opinion and your family’s opinions into consideration…or not. Some of these decisions are big—like your budget, whether to incorporate religion, or where you draw the line on who is “close enough” of a friend to invite and who doesn’t make the cut. There are also decisions that are small, like table numbers or napkins, things that you might never have thought about before but now you have to make a choice. I barely know what I want for lunch today, and you want me to make seating arrangements for 150 people?!

With decisions come many different types of decision-makers. There are people that go with their gut feelings. There are people that mull over every option for extended periods of time. There are people that request many different people’s opinions, outsourcing the decision making. There are people that simply believe they cannot make a decision. Personally, I am a quick decision maker. This can sometimes be perceived as me being spontaneous or uneducated, but, trust me, this by no means indicates I have not thought things through or not weighed my options. I do my research, I compare and I compare again, but then I make a decision, usually quickly. I do not like to have unmade decisions hanging out there in my mind. I like to resolve things. Ultimately, there really isn’t a “wrong” way to decide. We are all different. My problem though, is how to deal with “decided.” Continue reading Those People vs. Me

Posted in: Planning, Wedding Undergraduates | 103 Comments »

Feb 2013

Rolling Down the Aisle

One of my favorite posts of all time is from longtime reader Lauren on the subject of choice. She talks about choosing a path and about allowing ourselves to mourn the paths we don’t take, even if they were never something we really wanted. Today, I think Erin Thompson elaborates on these ideas beautifully. Not by exploring choice, but by exploring what happens when our choices are made for us. (Warning: this one might require tissues.)

—Maddie

When I was little, the only real attention I gave to my future wedding was a lot of analysis of the problem of how to get down the aisle. Not that I thought that I would have cold feet or trip on my heels. The problem was my dad—specifically, his gigantic, powerful, electric wheelchair.

My dad became a quadriplegic when I was eighteen months old after a freak accident partially severed his spinal cord. He maneuvered his wheelchair with a joystick he controlled with some residual power of movement in his arm, but his level of precision was unreliable. He tended to speed up and slow down unpredictably, making walking beside him difficult, and small muscle spasms or bumps in the road would cause him to veer off course. The walls in our home—and occasionally, my toes or shins—bore the marks of these minor mishaps.

So, no puffy dresses for me. I considered those far too vulnerable to being run over or even tangled in his wheels, imagining my train slowly ripping off as he rolled me down the aisle. I frequently considered the possibility of riding down the aisle on his lap, which seemed like a good idea to the eight-year-old me. Ditto on nixing a long veil, since he couldn’t lift it over my head before he handed me off to the groom. And instead of dreaming about something borrowed and something blue, I plotted where to stash a handkerchief. He was an unabashed sentimental crier who couldn’t wipe his own eyes, so I was probably going to have to do it midway through the journey so he could see to steer.

This type of advance planning is characteristic of children of the handicapped. Even today, I’m usually the one walking slightly ahead of a group of friends, a possibly annoying quality I like to attribute to my childhood years of skipping ahead on mini scouting expeditions, reporting back on conditions such as whether the street corner ahead had accessible curb cuts or if we would have to find another way to go.

The one scenario I never considered in all those years of logistical daydreaming was the one that will actually take place on my wedding day. There will be no worrying about wheelchair axle grease on my dress, or him stranded in the middle of the church thanks to a dead battery. This is because he wouldn’t be there are all. He died when I was twenty-two. Continue reading Rolling Down the Aisle

Posted in: The Hard Stuff, Wedding Undergraduates | 18 Comments »

Dec 2012

Twelve Days to Go

Today is our last day at APW before the holidays, and as the year closes, my feelings are all over the place: I’m excited to go home and see my family, baffled that the year is up, and maybe still a tiny bit exhausted (though that could be because I forgot to have coffee today). But really, I think this morning’s post from Christine does a better job of explaining the buzz around me than I can. She wrote this twelve days before her wedding (she’s married now, so let’s give her a hearty congrats, eh?) and while it’s a short piece, she nails Every. Last. Word.

—Maddie for Maternity Leave

That’s how many days until our wedding. Twelve. Is there still a long list of things that need to be finished (or, let’s face it, started)? Of course. Are we fielding emails from friends and family, coordinating airport pick-up times and planning a post-wedding brunch? Yes. Have I spent hours cutting out tiny lavender hearts, tying ribbons on things, and wandering the aisles of craft stores in a daze? How did you know?

And yet, when I think about our wedding, I don’t worry about the long to-do list. I don’t think about the unfinished projects littering my desk and taking over our guest room. I don’t think about the spreadsheet which keeps track of all the little ways we’ve gone over budget. I don’t feel calm, exactly, but I’m not panicked, either. I feel like there is a tiny alarm clock just beneath my skin, counting down the minutes until the day we’ll spend with everyone we love, until we’re celebrating and getting wine-drunk and crying happy tears, until that magical moment when our marriage begins. Continue reading Twelve Days to Go

Posted in: Wedding Undergraduates | 16 Comments »

Jul 2012

Why Wedding Planning Isn’t Project Management.

On Monday, I mentioned my conversation with @Kathleenincanrah on Twitter about how for her, wedding planning hasn’t really been about project management. Well, turns out she had more than 140 characters to say on the subject, and it turned into a post. Since we’re now elbow-deep in wedding season, the APW staff said f*ck it. It’s time to talk about wedding planning from all different perspectives. To shine our flashlight around in the corners and see if we can figure this thing out (and also, maybe look at a few pretty pictures and DIY projects while we do that, to relax). So here is Kathleen, on managing the What-Does-It-Mean list.

I read last week’s post about wedding planning as project management and cocked my head to the side, squinted my eyes, and looked around my empty office for some verification that this was actually wedding planning they were talking about. Throughout the day, I swung between envious and confused. Envious, because easy and calm and organized is exactly what I thought (due to both experience and temperament) I’d signed up for, and confused because, yeah. HA. That is so not what I’m experiencing.

What I’ve found about halfway through a six-month engagement and wedding planning process is that no to-do list can capture the work of wedding planning. (Take that, The Kn*t!) I should say though, that my partner and I—we are doers. We are deciders. We are not by title project managers, but we are get it done, don’t look back, celebrate and have a drink-ers.

And while wedding planning is certainly partially to-lists, that’s been the easy-ish stuff for us—we are ahead of schedule, we are under budget (on a wedding we are paying for ourselves), and we’ve dealt with little-to-no family or friend stress/advice/bullshit. On paper, this is the easiest wedding planning process ever.

Oh, but guys. That doesn’t even begin to explain my experience—it has been work. There have been tears. There have been hard conversations. And here’s why:

I don’t think wedding planning is to-do lists. Some days I convince myself it’s to-decide lists, but even then I don’t think that’s accurate. It’s actually “What does it mean?” lists.

By “What does it mean?” lists I mean the emotional work of the wedding planning. By and large, with the only exception maybe (maybe!) being the menu, our to-do list has fostered big, important conversations about big, important things. For us, our to-do list has actually been a way for us to hash out and dig into the bigger ideas and questions and desires about and for our partnership. While I wish it were all simple task flow charts, we get stuck or caught on items not because we can’t decide on colors or centerpieces, but because we get deep into the meaning and significance of our wedding, as we hope it will accurately capture and communicate what we believe and want our partnership to be.

Here’s a list of items that could just be to-do, but for us have been what-does-it-mean: Continue reading Why Wedding Planning Isn’t Project Management.

Posted in: Planning, Planning, Wedding Undergraduates | 70 Comments »