Posts Tagged ‘Sex’

Mar 2013

So, it’s possible that Remember The Lesbians is becoming a little APW series. (We should be so lucky.) Today, we’ve got the sex edition. A few weeks ago we had an open thread about sex, orgasms, and the lack of consistent orgasms through penetrative sex. About which the lesbians had to say, achem. And also, let’s maybe broaden the definition of sex a bit, ladies. Now without further buildup (achem) some damn good (anonymous) advice. Take it to the bedroom (or living room, or bathroom, or basement, or…) friends!

—Meg

Graphic and original post by Teri & Lisa of Godseeker Comic

A short while ago, there was an APW post about sex in marriage, which produced an outpouring of response. Reading through some of the comments (I admit I didn’t make it through all of them—there were more than four hundred!), I began to think that it might be time for the APW Remember the Lesbians: The Sex Edition. There were just a lot of comments that had recurring themes of sexual difficulties faced by women in straight relationships that I thought lesbian culture might be able to help with. Lesbian sexual culture is, after all, entirely about women’s sexual pleasure. So here are three ideas from the world of the lesbians to women in all kinds of relationships.

1. Hands are your friends.

Hands are a huge part of lesbian sex. In fact, when my wife and I talk about “having sex,” what we usually mean is that we are making love to each other with our hands. Hands have some very useful features as sex toys. They are flexible, sensitive, and strong. I think there is a perception that making love with your hands doesn’t count as “real” sex. But in my book, whatever my partner does that makes me feel as good as that, and reliably produces orgasms definitely counts as real sex!

Many people in the comments talked about needing clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, but not liking oral sex for various reasons. In what may be lesbian heresy, I gotta say, I’m with you on that one. I’m not a huge fan of oral sex. For me, it’s great at the time, but kind of gross afterwards. But hands! Hands can do all the same things tongues can do but with less mess, and in some cases, with more accuracy.

2. Take turns.

Some folks in the comments talked about this ideal of simultaneous orgasm or the fact that their partners might reliably have orgasms, but they themselves only have orgasms a small percentage of the time. From my perspective in lesbian culture, my wife and I solve this by taking turns. Here’s how this works. First one of us will make love to the other. The point of this is the pleasure of the one receiving. So she’s in charge. She calls the shots, and, ideally, we continue until she is satisfied. (I say ideally because one of us could really just keep going all day long, and the other of us does eventually get tired, but this does 99.9% of the time mean at least one orgasm.) Then, we switch. Now the second person is in charge, calling the shots, and the experience is geared to her pleasure. Continue reading Remember The Lesbians: The Sex Edition

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife | 43 Comments »

Sep 2012

The Why of Waiting

Over the past week or so, an article has been sweeping the web; it’s called “Waiting Till The Wedding Night—Getting Married The Right Way.” It was (surprise, surprise) brought to you by the ever fair and balanced Fox News. Readers started forwarding us the article, wanting to talk about the shaming of women happening all over it, along with the idea that if you didn’t wait til your wedding night for sex, that night (and your marriage) was somehow meaningless. The APW staff debated whether it was worth discussing, since where do you start? The idea that there is one right way to do marriage? The idea that a mainstream news organization thought it was ok to publish an article where a man called women “live-in harlots”? Then we forwarded the article to APW staffer Liz, who has written here before about her personal choice to abstain from sex until marriage, and writes here every Friday about wedding dilemmas and feminism. As Maddie put it, the article got Liz “a little worked up.” So here is Liz, explaining why this article gets it wrong, even if waiting until marriage is right for you.

I recently read this article on premarital abstinence. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s been going around the internet like wildfire. Articles like this are always of interest to me. Unfortunately, as usual, the pro-abstinence arguments are overstated and obtuse. But, unlike the stuff I usually find and read, this article was written by a douchebag.

My husband and I didn’t have sex before we married. No fooling around, no feeling up, no rounding the bases in any sort of way. It’s something I’ve mentioned on APW before, and I’ve even partially explained my rationale, but all of my many reasons can be boiled down into one idea. I chose to wait for sex because it was a way to protect myself from developing attachments to other people before my husband, while also saving something important to share with him alone. In those ways, I chose to wait because I thought it would help me love my husband better. The waiting in and of itself is inconsequential. But the motivation, the end result, these are the things that mattered. (And I say this realizing that the way those important-to-me things worked themselves into abstinence is very personal and unique to us. But isn’t that sort of the point?)

Saving sex til after I married wasn’t a one-time goal of “getting marriage right.” Though, it must be a really lovely idea to believe, because it sets such a nice, clear finish line. Make it til the wedding night without grabbing a boob? You get an A+ in marriage. I’m more than a little jealous of this guy because, in his mind, the hard work is done.

I’m not very jealous of his wife, though. Continue reading The Why of Waiting

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife | 226 Comments »

Apr 2012

Madeline: Sex Can Be a Chore

Wait, I know what you’re thinking, but you’re wrong. When I say chore, I don’t mean the boring/repetitive/bucket-and-rubber-gloves variety (though to be fair, it depends who you’re with). What I mean is, sex can be scheduled. Monday: Grocery shopping. Wednesday: Laundry. Friday: Slap and tickle. This and other revelations came to me via a one-day group Marriage Success Training seminar, run by Patty and Greg Kuhlman.

How did we come to spend a Saturday at this event? When I start something new, I like to read books and do homework first, so I was game for premarital counseling. Plus, Meg recommends it in her book as part of the “Questions to Ask Before You Get Married” section. Done and done. Brandon, on the other hand, felt more like counseling was something you resort to if things go wrong. But he was open-minded enough to give it a try.

We scouted round the Internet looking for something non-denominational that might suit us. I’d heard of the very religious analyzing vaginal mucus during marriage prep, in order to perfect the rhythm method. We were definitely looking for something non-mucus-based. In this respect, MST, which talks a lot about “science” and “the latest research,” looked pretty good. We signed up.

In retrospect, that was the easy part. As the day approached, we were increasingly anxious about what might be involved. I’d read the part in Blink about the psychologist who can spot a successful marriage based on a few hours of observation. What if the seminar was just like that, revealing the Questions that we Should Have Asked before rushing off to City Hall in December? Would a red warning light start flashing when we entered the room to warn us of impending marital failure? In front of all the other couples? Continue reading Madeline: Sex Can Be a Chore

Posted in: Planning: Journeys, Reclaiming Wife | 81 Comments »

Feb 2012

Reclaiming Wife: Sometimes Women Want it More

We always do a lot of thinking before we run gender specific posts on APW, so I did a lot of pondering on this post. Was it ok to run a post about what happens when women want sex more then their male partners and they are shamed by cultural narratives? Not everyone who reads APW is in a male/ female partnership, so I was on the fence about it. But after a lot of thought, I decided that it’s important to discuss gendered cultural narratives and take their power away. (And yes, we’re totally waiting for a post on LGBTQ focused sex issues, if you’ve got one.) But today’s post, which is written by Christy, takes some of the wind out of the sails of the idea that women just don’t like getting laid, or that good married sex has to look like the cultural norm. Let’s discuss.

I grew up in a conservative household. By this I mean that we went to church almost every Sunday and Did Not Talk About Sex. Ever. That was left up to the California public school system and misguided, hormone-fueled girls’ locker room talk. In fact, the time my mother came home and caught my senior-year boyfriend and I making out furiously on the couch when no one was home (absolutely NO boys were allowed in the house without a parent present!) she stammered an apology and quickly retreated out the front door. Sex had a strictly don’t ask, don’t tell policy in our house, so I rebelled by becoming the most sex-positive virgin around.

Growing up I strongly identified with the feminist movement, so as a post-third wave Christian feminist, I devoured Our Bodies, Ourselves and The Guide to Getting it On like manna from heaven. I knew more about sex and how a woman’s body worked than any of my friends who were actually having sex; as a Sociology major I made it my study and my (ahem) passion. Back then, sexuality was a tool for me—a way to feel in control rather than a means of experiencing pleasure. I was waiting to do it, so sex was off the table, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t be sexy. And that’s what brings all the boys to the yard, isn’t it? Didn’t I learn from age seven that all it took for wholesome Betty to steal Archie away from that rich witch Veronica was for her to don a skimpier bikini? Sexy was where it was at, so when I met a man that not only thought I was sexy but made me feel like being sexual, I thought we had it made. We were a white dress, shared vows, and a fabulous party away from the wedding night of my dreams. And it all went off without a hitch, better than I ever imagined, fireworks even. But that’s only the beginning of my story.

Before I got married some lovely friends held an intimate shower (read: sex shower) for me during which they showered me with sexy lingerie and advice on how to enjoy my upcoming role as a sexually active wife. My friends, God love them, gave me the sex advice they wished they’d gotten before their wedding day. Some was immensely practical (my nurse friend gave me the little gem to always try to pee after intercourse to avoid a UTI), but a lot of it centered around how to make time for your husband when you were, shall we say, less than in the mood. It was great advice, and as I’ve thrown my share of intimate showers over the years, I know it has come in handy for many a bride-to-be. The only problem was that all this advice, along with many other contributing factors, helped set an expectation in my mind that I was going to be fighting off my husband with a stick. I mean, it makes sense, right? Take two people who are saving themselves for marriage, add one engagement ring, sprinkle with a healthy dose of mutual attraction and bake for fourteen months until you have a bangin’ sex life, just waiting for that “I do” to pop my hot oven door open. But that’s not how it happened. Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: Sometimes Women Want it More

Posted in: Gender & Feminism, Reclaiming Wife | 136 Comments »

Oct 2011

Reclaiming Wife: Painful Sex & Women’s Health

Months ago, when we put out a call for posts discussing sex (You know, sex! An important part of relationships and marriages!) we were overwhelmed by a flurry of posts about painful sex and difficult sex lives. It turns out that those of you with happy, easy sex lives didn’t have much you wanted to write about, and those of you going through difficult periods (which happens to most all of us at some point) deeply craved connection and discussion. We picked this post because of its very clear message: sex should not hurt. If it does, seek help. If the professionals you talk to tell you nothing can be done, get a second (and third, and fourth) opinion, till you find someone that will work with you. And in the meantime, hold each others’ hands, and know you’re not alone… and you’re very definitely not broken.

My husband and I had sex on our wedding night.

I hear this is actually pretty standard. But for my partner and I, this was a triumph. Instead of slipping into the haze of post-coital pleasure on our wedding night, I leapt out of bed and broke out my victory dance, complete with butt-wiggle and fist-jabbing, exclaiming, “We did it!”

I suppose I should back this story up a bit. For over eight years, I suffered from an undiagnosed pelvic floor disorder called dyspareunia. In the beginning, sex was uncomfortable, but my partner and I managed the pain by using specific positions. We came up with all sorts of creative explanations and excuses. But as the years passed, the pain worsened. Finally, intercourse became impossibly painful and even oral sex became uncomfortable. Worst of all, I had no idea what was going on with my body.

When I finally worked up the courage to tell my doctor that sex was painful, my gynecologist explained that nothing appeared to be wrong with me. She could find no physical explanation for my pain. She sent me home with the advice that we should use more lubrication, and I should try to relax with a glass of wine at dinner. None of my friends or family members ever talked about sex being painful. So with no explanations forthcoming, I drew an illogical but deeply shameful conclusion: I was messed up.

I felt like a failure. I felt like I was selfishly denying my partner. I felt unfeminine and worried about how we’d ever get pregnant. Any sort of physical intimacy was fraught with stress. I pulled away from backrubs and kisses, worried they would lead to greater intimacy. I coped with these devastating feelings by trying to ignore the problem.

But as it turns out, sex is really important for relationships. I could feel close to my partner through cuddles on the couch and long talks, but my fiancé felt increasingly cut-off and rejected. We tried to talk about the problem and find work-arounds, but often these conversations ended in tears, and I would walk around with oppressive feelings of shame, guilt, and anger bubbling in my gut.

Last summer my partner finally sat me down to talk about these problems. “Things aren’t OK,” he softly explained, “and they don’t seem to be getting any better.” As a result, we bought a few books on pelvic pain. I devoured these books! I read revolutionary ideas like, “Sex doesn’t have to hurt!”[1] Empowered with new terminology and facts, I finally went back to my gynecologist and asked to be sent to a pelvic pain specialist. Though this specialist was able to diagnosis me, she unfortunately sent me home with misinformation. I now know this is much too common—many doctors know very little about helping women with pelvic pain. Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: Painful Sex & Women’s Health

Posted in: Gender & Feminism, Reclaiming Wife, The Hard Stuff | 94 Comments »

Sep 2011

Reclaiming Wife: A Year Of Bad Sex

Today we have another post from a fiercely independent APW reader who waited to have sex till marriage. If you haven’t read the past two APW pieces on this subject, you should catch up now. It’s been fascinating for me, watching the conversation unfold on APW in a way that is rarely part of the cultural dialogue. Today’s piece is about battling through a year of bad sex, and I think it’s relevant to all of us, no matter what our struggles are. Marriage is complicated, and sooner or later we’ll find ourselves facing a problem so complicated and intrenched that we have to find a way to save ourselves and each other. And that’s what today’s post is about, at its core.

We were virgins when we married at 25 and 27. We looked forward to our wedding night, talking about the magic, and reading (yes,of course, reading—because that’s how we approach most of our lives) in preparation. I had a bit of penal fear, a bit of religious confusion, and some raging hormones. I talked through it with a counselor and was told not to expect a Hollywood moment. I asked exactly how much semen would squirt out and what exactly happened to it afterwards. You know, the essentials. I went into the bridal chamber expecting that it would be short, painful, and yet special. And it was.

What I wasn’t expecting was that it would continue to be short, unfulfilling and all together frustrating. I asked my counselor what I was doing wrong. Her answer was “expecting too much too soon.” I asked friends and got answers ranging from “Couples reach the height of sexual satisfaction six months into their sexual relationship” to “See, I told you that you should have figured out if you were sexually compatible first!” There was no rushing it if it was the former and there was seemingly no solution for the latter. Because it was short and unfulfilling to me, my husband retreated. Our first month of marriage boasted a half dozen sexual encounters. I felt like a failure as a wife and a woman.

What I didn’t know was that my husband was struggling with premature ejaculation. A month into our marriage, he paid a visit to a doctor, picked up a prescription, and the length of our encounters dramatically increased. It was still awkward though, and we found ourselves on a once-a-week schedule in plain old missionary. I was bored and I didn’t know what to do.

Then my mother-in-law suffered a severe medical emergency and was in the ICU for weeks on end. I hoped to heaven that our first year would indeed prove to be the hardest. Needless to say, a depressed, apprehensive husband was not in the mood for over a month. Again, I felt like a failure.

Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: A Year Of Bad Sex

Posted in: Reclaiming Wife, The Hard Stuff | 114 Comments »