Do I Send a Thank You Note to a Family Member in Jail for Child Abuse?

AAPW: Am I just opening a can of worms?

Note: This post deals with the subject of child sexual abuse.

Q: Here I am, newly married, back from a week in the tropical bliss of our honeymoon, casually opening my email. The words hit me like a brick. It’s from my dad’s older sibling, and it’s about “Uncle G.” “G asked me to purchase a gift card for you with funds from his account which I help manage. He asked me to give you his address in case you wanted to send a thank you note. If you elect to send him a thank you, please be sure to include his inmate number, otherwise the mail will not be delivered.” I had forgotten about the still unused gift card. What I remembered was how my dad was too ashamed to tell me until years after G was arrested. When I did find out, it made me physically ill. Child molestation (can you even put those words online?) is not something you want to think about, but there it was. I remember him well from my own childhood, though now those memories are tainted by hindsight. It’s too easy to put myself in the position others found themselves in and it makes my heart break. He’s been in prison for most of my adult life, so it was easy to wash him out of my memory. Now he’s fresh on my mind and I hate that. Do I write a note of thanks? I am thankful for a gift, and being remembered. But do I open a line of communication with a man I would rather forget? A man who I hope never to introduce to my hypothetical future children, or even my husband. I don’t want to condone or even forgive his actions, but I can’t help but feel as though I’m doing the wrong thing if I don’t send a note. Do I use the gift card at all? Do I send a note? What does one say in a note like that?

—Reluctant to Reply

A: Dear RTR,

First, let’s just own the fact that whatever answer I give you, plenty of people are going to disagree with me. Which, fair enough. But you sent me a letter, and my actual job is to respond, so here goes.

Send a note. Say what you’d normally say in a note like this to a relative you haven’t seen in years. “Thanks for the gift, it was kind of you to think of us, here’s how we used it/plan to use it, thanks.” Don’t overthink this. A note of thanks is simply thanking him for the gift. It has no bearing on anything else he’s done, isn’t condoning anything, and isn’t opening any lines of communication (particularly if you leave off the return address, Meg notes).

I’d have different advice if you personally were abused by him. When we’re talking about contact with someone who’s abused you, there’s often a significant threat to one’s emotional health. That doesn’t seem to be the case here. He’s hurt you indirectly, perhaps, but not personally, and the only risk is the discomfort of remembering who he is and what he’s done.

Acknowledging that he’s sent you a gift and that it was thoughtful isn’t the same as condoning a specific, unrelated action (or series of actions). What he’s done is terrible and tragic and without a doubt has lasting consequences. What you’re asking is how far those consequences should extend. You’re choosing not to invest energy in involving him in your life. You’re selecting to keep your family (particularly children) away from him. Those seem natural consequences for the choices he’s made.

Ignoring a kindly meant gift that he sent? Withholding thanks for generosity? I’m not sure those have to be natural consequences. They’re not a result of trying to protect yourself or your family. It’s a matter of deciding if his whole life can be distilled into that terrible thing he did. Should everything that ever happens to him be a direct result of that action? What’s the motivation for writing someone off entirely?

Treating someone like a monster because they’ve done something wrong (even something monstrous) doesn’t do anything to change what they’ve done, to fix the wrongness of it, to make them more remorseful. It does remove their humanity a bit. Which begs the question: if you treat someone like garbage, won’t they just fulfill that role?

It’s not your job to rehabilitate him. But, it’s also not your job to seek out punishment or revenge. Thanking him for a gift is just that—thanks for a gift. That gift has nothing to do with the terrible things he’s done, and your thanks doesn’t either.

If you would like to ask Team Practical a question please don’t be shy! You can email: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though it really makes our day when you come up with a clever sign-off! 

Featured Sponsored Content

Please read our comment policy before you comment.

The APW Store is Here

APW Wedding e-shop

go find all our favorites from around the internet, and our free planning tools

Shop Now
APW Wedding e-shop

Planning a wedding?

We have all the planning tools you need right now.

Budget spreadsheets, checklists, and more...

Get Your Free Planning Tools