9 Tips for Surviving the Holidays in One Piece

Because sometimes your holiday face looks like this

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This year will mark the tenth holiday season that my husband and I have celebrated together, and (due to multiple cross-country moves) the seventh that we’ll be able to spend with our families. Between the three major holidays we celebrate (Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas), we’ll be doing the holiday shuffle quite a bit… and I’m hoping that at this point we’ll be able to do it well.

When we spoke about surviving the holidays back in January, the overwhelming majority of APW readers emphasized balance over everything. It’s important to balance your time, the gifts you give and receive, even the amount and types of food that’s served at each house. It’s also important to stand up for yourself, preferably not at the expense of someone else, and for you and your partner to navigate the often fun, sometimes-intense holiday hop together as a team. With this in mind, we’ve rounded up nine of your and our tips for getting through the holidays in one (maybe even cheerful) piece:

1. If we took Holidays (on our own) it would be so nice

Let’s get this off the table before anything else: you don’t owe your holiday to anyone. This is a tad controversial, because the idea of not spending a major holiday with family is a jarring one for some, but it can also be the best idea ever, according to this APW reader:

This was my first Christmas away from my family and our first Christmas together, and I actually enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would. We didn’t do much because it seemed everything in Germany was closed that day, but we called our families to say hello and spent the day wandering around together in the city until we found an open cafe and some bars/restaurants.

I found myself wanting to plan to go away at the holidays next year, too, because it was just so nice to get away from everyone and everything together, but I’m not sure that’s feasible in the long term. Christmas vacation is one of the few times a year my husband gets to see his family since they are thousands of miles away, and I’m sure my family will want some face time in the future (we got off easy this year because honeymoon), but I kind of loved having the day be just ours without all of the family expectations in addition.

2. GIve the gift of sanity

If you decide you are going to see family, let’s move on to gifts! Gifts tend to be one of the most stressful aspects of the holidays, and that’s mostly because there are so many rules about something that should be so easy. Do you get one gift for each person or tons? Does your family try to top one another’s gifts by only giving extraordinarily awesome things? Are you expected to buy gifts for every sibling, their partner, and their kids? Maybe you can just pick a name:

Picking names helps us a ton. I have six siblings and four of them have significant others. Buying for ten adults would be nuts. You have to broach this topic early though, so it’s the expectation before any early shopping happens. And gift exchanges like this only save money if you would have gotten everyone in the exchange a present without the exchange; beginning an exchange with people who you would never have gotten presents anyway is just adding to your shopping list.

It’s also helpful to remember that one gift can be enough—and you can pick a gift that is activity-oriented and therefore more inclusive of a larger group of people:

Part of it for us is remembering over and over and over that one gift is enough. We’re fortunate to have all very nice, non-judgmental families who don’t really comment on that kind of stuff, and are really grateful for the one (small) thing we pick out. It might be fun to start a tradition (either your own self, or discuss it with your family at large) to buy something experience or activity oriented. Like a game for each family, or movie, mini golf, ice skating, or whatever tickets to do as a family. And you can either do it without saying anything, or chat with your family ahead of time, or just say at the time of present-opening, “Hey everyone, we decided to buy on theme this year and really focus on doing stuff together. We’re really excited about what we picked out and hope you like it!”

3. Babies R COmplicated

Speaking of gifts: if you have a young kid, this gift-trick (yes, that’s a thing) is for you. One of the trickier aspects of traveling with kids is that grandparents and extended family don’t always have the most kid-friendly homes (and that’s okay). If they’re not willing or interested in stocking a few items around the house, gift those items to them. Nothing says, “Hey, we’ll be able to spend way more time at your house now,” like giving Grandma a travel crib for Christmas, right?

4. Protect yo Time

Set clear boundaries when you create your holiday schedule. Just because you spent a whole week at your grandmother’s last year doesn’t mean you have to this year. If it’s easier to spend three days instead of seven, just make sure everyone knows ahead of time so plans can be adjusted accordingly. As long as you’re respectful and honest (a simple, “Hey, we can’t afford the time off,” or “You know, we ended up really exhausted after last year,” will suffice), hurt feelings will hopefully be spared.

Or maybe you really can’t spend all or part of the holiday away from family, you can definitely try to work in an hour or two of “us time” in between the onslaught of familyfamilyfamily time. Be it a fast forty-five minute date at the pub down the street or an easy walk around the park, just the two of you, reconnecting during what is typically both a joyous and stressful time is important.

5. You CAN TAke it (AKA your favorite nosh) with you

I don’t know about you guys, but my family and my husband’s family definitely have different ideas about how holiday meals work. On top of that, my husband, my son, and I are vegetarians, so we don’t do turkey and ham and the rest of it.

The first year I went to my husband’s house for Christmas I was stunned that they managed to get by without macaroni and cheese, cranberry sauce, and homemade biscuits, and that the big dessert was fruit salad—not something oozing with chocolate and decadence. Now I make sure I bring one of these items when we celebrate at their house, because making it through a holiday meal that doesn’t end in a pile of cake just doesn’t work for me.

6. Do your own thing

You don’t have to stick to your partner the whole time! My husband and I have been married for eight years, and something I extra love about him is that he’s managed to become a real friend/therapist to each of my three siblings during that time. At this point, they’re more likely to call him than they are to call me, and I’m okay with that. The relationship he has with each of them is never more apparent and awesome than it is during the holidays, when they each spend a lot of time just hanging out. It’s never forced, which is nice—they’ve just been able to organically develop bonds with him independent of me and of one another. If you’re looking to intentionally plant a seed, what better time than when everyone is on an emotional high and usually stuffed into one house together?

7. You ArE RUBBER AND I AM GLUE 

Let me clarify something else: you don’t have to actually spend time with family members you don’t like. Sure, it’s not always easy to avoid being in the same room or home with someone you’d rather avoid, but there’s no rule that says you have to actually interact. If you really adore your grandpa, there’s absolutely no shame in spending most of the day next to him. Similarly, if you always have a hard time with one relative in particular and that person is unavoidable at a family function, consider it the perfect time to use that secret signal that tells your partner to come save you. (Oh, and you need one of those. Make it beforehand.) If your partner is out of reach, take this APW reader’s advice:

Become a great listener. Most of the time when interacting with my MIL, I just kept my mouth shut and asked and nodded a lot.

8. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire (or something equaly awesome)

Split families make holidays even more perilous to plan. One downside to entering into a marriage with someone who has a child from a previous relationship is that you don’t get to celebrate each holiday with the kid—you’re usually alternating or celebrating on off days. Whether or not you’re celebrating on the actual day, you can still add in your own childhood traditions, like this reader:

Having family Christmas morning at home the Saturday before Christmas just me, my husband and stepson, and incorporating some of my and my husband’s traditions from growing up—Christmas Eve pajamas, my husband getting up early and sneaking out to get donuts before gift opening (just like his dad always did), making a big brunch after gift opening (complete with all the things my mom used to make), and then finishing things with a Christmas movie marathon. Because my stepson is always with his mom Christmas morning and we travel to see my family for Christmas every other year it’s nice to have this pre-Christmas, Christmas morning for us all to celebrate together.

9. MYOH= Make your own holiday… Duh

And finally, if you’re struggling with where to stick holiday traditions for holidays you don’t actually celebrate, why not invent your own secular holiday and work them in there? This commenter did exactly that:

The second annual Winter Guinea Pig’s Day (our invented secular January holiday). We scaled back a little on food (just a huge mezze spread instead of a huge appetizer spread and an entree), which was still plenty of food. And having a “holiday” party in January for a secular holiday helps a lot in our interfaith relationship. (Especially since we don’t do Christmas at home at all.)

Winter Guinea Pig’s Day has been awesome. Guinea Pigs are sort of our mascot, and we have a tremendously long huge inside joke and story about them, so it seemed the perfect name. I think as we grow, it’s going to be immensely helpful. We started it as a place to stick family traditions that didn’t work in their original place. Such as his family’s Christmas traditions since we don’t celebrate Christmas at home. A lot of them haven’t happened (you can’t actually buy eggnog in January, did you know? And I keep meaning to make it and skipping it), but it becomes something purely ours, without any religious baggage, in a stressful time of year. And our friends have started looking forward to it, and asking us about it, which is fun.

I highly recommend inventing a secular holiday in January if you’re struggling with interfaith holiday issues. It’s a big help to have our own traditions then.

What else works for you—or has worked in the past? Where and how do you plan to spend the holidays this year?

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