Ask Team Practical: Wedding Planning Exhaustion

Meg put out a mini-call for ATP questions over Twitter and Facebook, and one in particular stuck out. Jenny S. wanted to know:

“How to get over having the longest engagement ever.”

I knew exactly how Jenny felt just by reading that one sentence; it was simple, succinct and shows that she’s completely over the whole effing thing. Those nine little words were holding back a torrent of emotions, the flood of which would come forth if ONE MORE PERSON smiled brightly at her and said, “Sooo, when’s the big day?!?”

Wedding planning can suck for a multitude of reasons, but sometimes it’s just because it can take so damn long to be over. A long engagement may be the most practical thing in the world for you and your partner, but about halfway through, the excitement has worn off, reality has set in and it’s hanging up curtains, and there does not seem to be an end in sight. In fact, Meg wrote about this very thing in the middle of her too-long engagement, if you need moral support. What’s a woman to do when the very thought of waiting nine more months to be wed makes her go, “RAWR!! WEDDING HATE! INSPIRATION BOARD STUPID! BRIDE SMASH!”?

Well… I don’t know.

Seriously, I really don’t. And that’s because there’s not really much you can do other than just keeping planning (or just stop planning!) and wait it out, move your date up, or just haul off and elope. Such is life, and life is a jerk sometimes. However, leaving it at that would make me a jerk, so let’s chat about some ways to fend off wedding planning exhaustion.

  1. Set a wedding-free zone in your house.  Or, better yet, create a wedding workspace (or a wedding box?) and keep the rest of the house clear. Planning a wedding will start off with just a pile of invitations in the living room. Then there are bridal looks on the bathroom mirror, inspiration pictures on the desk, and suddenly your wedding seems to be everywhere. You really don’t need the reminder that you have 450 more days until your wedding staring at you while you’re brushing your teeth, so get rid of it.
  2. Stop Reading Wedding Blogs.  Yeah. We said it. YOU NEED A BREAK. (You can keep reading APW if you’re just reading for the marriage and the community stuff, but we will SEE YOU if you start sneaking a glance at the How-To posts and wondering where that wedding grad got her bridesmaids dresses. Seriously, stop it. You can read about how Meg stopped reading wedding blogs back here (hint: she calmed the eff down). Yeah, she says her engagement was too long. She’s with you.)
  3. Make out with your partner as often as possible. Married life changes things in big ways (and doesn’t change them at all in others) and while it’s a great place to be, NOT married is a great place to be also. Enjoy the state you’re in, kiss your partner like you did when you first started dating, feel those butterflies all over again and remember why you’re getting married in the first place. Also? Your partner is smokin’ hot, why are you not kissing them RIGHT NOW? Oh. They’re at work? WHATEVER, DETAILS.
  4. Get a hobby.  One of my problems while I was being DIY crazy-face is that I used my wedding as an excuse to do all the fun things I’d always wanted to do anyway. I stressed over these details when what I should have done was hired someone to make the stupid projects I was killing myself over and then learned how to do them just for the fun of it. A long engagement may seem like the perfect time to learn letterpress or make your wedding dress because it gives you incentive and a purpose to justify spending time and money on it. But unlike a typical hobby, screwing up on those projects could also give you ulcers and make you a sobby mess if it gets down to the wire and you haven’t perfected your skills yet. Go out and learn something for the fun of it, not just for your wedding. It’s hard to brood about long engagements when you’re elbow deep in a new venture and having a blast.
  5. Stop planning your wedding and start planning your life. Your wedding is a stop on your journey, not the destination. Make plans even farther in the future, like where you want to go when you’re not paying for a wedding, or what you want to do with your career, or how you’d decorate a house you bought together. Dreaming a little is the fun part of planning, so start doing it for other aspects of your life and stay excited for not only your wedding, but beyond that.
  6. OR, plan something else. Know what? Y’all need a vacation. Something small and super budget-friendly that involves cocktails and lots of laughing. Or a party. When’s the last time you threw just a kick-a**tastic bash? How about that 10k in eight months, why not train for that? Much like anything else, breaking up a large amount of something into smaller chunks makes it much easier to deal with. So yes, your wedding is nearly two years away, but in three months you have that trip to the mountains. And a month later there’s that wine tasting party. And two months after that is your cousin’s wedding and two months after that…you get the idea.

Then next time someone asks you about the wedding, you’ll think, “What wedding?” Because you’ll be that busy living.

So how about it, ladies? What have you done to ward off wedding exhaustion cause by a long engagement? Dish!

Picture: by knfriel

If you would like to ask Team Practical a question please don’t be shy! You can email Alyssa at: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though we prefer if you make up a totally ridiculous sign-off like conflicted and rageful but deeply in love in Detroit (CARBDILID, duh). We’re not kidding. It brings us joy. What, you don’t want to bring your editors JOY?!

Michelle & Tom

Today I’m delighted to introduce wedding grad Michelle and her beautiful DIY Pennsylvania wedding. She wore her mother’s wedding dress (with some modifications), figured out how to make her wedding her own, and dealt with a runaway vendor (by hauling him to court and winning… BAM!). To make this wedding graduate post even richer, the photos were taken by Kristy Rowe of Moodeous Photography, who is an exceptional person and photographer (Denver ladies, take notice!), but also happens to be one of the bride’s best friends. She notes that she shot this wedding ages ago, but it’s no less lovely for that. So dig in, and enjoy.

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

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Ripped Off Bride and GroomRipped Off Bride and Groom

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Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

Ripped Off Bride and Groom

I found the planning process overwhelming. My husband Tom and I struggled to balance our decisions with what felt comfortable to us, and what we felt was best for all the family and friends involved. Some people say to just be true to what you want, since it’s your day, but Tom and I both felt strongly that at its core, a wedding is about celebrating family.

We both dislike being the center of attention and we are very laid back. All we knew was no church wedding. So after a lot of agonizing over destination weddings and endless research, we decided that what felt right (even though it was bigger than what we wanted) was doing a more traditional wedding in Pennsylvania, near my childhood home and family. All in all, it took us about three months to figure it out and just get a date booked.

After we booked a day at the Pearl S. Buck House, a lot of the other decisions seemed much smaller and easier to make. I wore my mother’s dress and we worked with a seamstress to alter it. Photos were shot by my best friend Kristy Rowe of Moodeous Photography plus a second shooter found on craigslist to shoot the reception so she wasn’t working the whole time. I am a graphic designer and really enjoyed the chance to be in creative control of  designing the invites and other paper items. Printing was gifted by an old family friend. Flowers were done with a local grower. My family and I baked the cake. While we wanted to write our own vows for the ceremony, we chose a nondenominational minister who created the ceremony, which felt more comfortable to us.

We tried to identify the priority areas and spend the bulk of our budget there. Having those priorities made it much easier to focus on the big picture stuff, while using resources other than money on some of the less important things.

We hit a major bump four months before the wedding when we found out that our caterer had gone out of business, taking our deposit and first payment with him. We lost a lot of money and it made an already financially stressful situation even worse. It made for a horrible month of scrambling around trying to find someone new and trying to rework our numbers. It’s very hard to continue to trust your gut and ability to make decisions when something like that happens.

It’s sad. You’re trying to feel your way through planning this huge thing—probably the biggest party you’ve ever planned. You’re figuring everything out as you go along. And you try as hard as you can to do things “right,” but there are people out there who don’t care about you, who will take advantage of your insecurities because in the end they just want your money.

It’s so important to have that solid team that you can count on to work through the process. Don’t let people push you into taking on everything alone. I had a really hard time getting over the lost money. It meant giving up some things I had really wanted. We worked through it as a team, making every effort to stay focused on our priorities, which absolutely helped keep me focused on what mattered.

The day itself was a blast. It was so much more meaningful and fun then I ever hoped it would be. Sure it rained, and we didn’t get to have the outdoor ceremony we wanted (but we did get a rainbow), and there were a few family dramas. But all in all, it was not enough to change the focus of the day. The things I remember most are the feelings and emotions: the faces and expressions, hugs, tears and dancing my ass off. Remembering that the day is bigger than just you and your fiancé put things in perspective for me. There were (obviously!) problems along the way and yes, I would totally do some things differently, but in the end we did what we set out to do: celebrate the love we have for each other, our friends and our family. Remembering that we are a team, that we were lucky to have support from friends and family, made it easier to cut off the fights before they really got going and to help each other keep the stress in check.

It’s easy to get distracted from what really matters. All the blogs and magazines and reality shows constantly remind you of what you don’t have or should do. At the end of it all, sanity means priorities. If you have a firm grip on what your priorities are, you’ll be able to navigate the planning process no matter what gets thrown your way.

As an aside: I would encourage anyone who loses money to an unscrupulous vendor to not be afraid of pursuing legal action. Our original caterer screwed many families in the area. Some lost all their money and didn’t have nearly as much time as we did to find a back-up. All the affected families banded together and filed complaints with local law enforcement and the chamber of commerce. The guy was investigated and hauled to court. We are all currently receiving restitution checks for the stolen money. It was an extra headache during an already stressful time, but following through was the right thing to do, and he didn’t get away with it. Don’t take any crap from smooth talking vendors, and don’t let anyone who tries to jerk you around off the hook!

The Info Photography: Kristy Rowe of Moodeous / Flowers: Kate Sparks / Catering: Kate Conaway at The Temperance House / Venue and Rentals: Pearl S. Buck House through Larry Ott at Open Aire Affairs / Jewelry: Twenty East Vintage Jewelry, Doylestown, PA / Bridesmaids Dresses: Davids Bridal / Minister: Journeys of the Heart / Hair and make-up: Erin Konzelman