When Will I Know That It’s Okay to Get Remarried?

a couple in love

Q:I met my current boyfriend, Nat, six years ago in college. We were friends with feelings and after I challenged him to commit, he backed away. A month later I met the guy who I would end up marrying (and divorcing).

What friendship with Nat that ensued during my marriage was a far-away, on-and-off-again friendship that always remained respectful and platonic. We both maintained feelings for one another though never once spoke of it (I ached to absolve myself of my feels, resorting to all sorts of crystal bath rituals and burning letters to rid myself of the attachment, to no avail).

My marriage was loving and strong, until it wasn’t anymore. It fell apart the way things often do—many tiny chinks in the armor until it no longer can withstand life’s heavy blows. After irreparable disagreements in finances, parenting (he had two kids from a prior marriage), sex, priorities, and careers, we eventually were no longer suitable partners. A year and a half of marriage counseling did not save us. I left in May 2016 and our divorce was final in September.

This summer, Nat and I met in person for the first time in five years. We maintained a friendship from three hundred miles apart as we always had, and through the summer and into autumn we visited each other almost every weekend. We were both shocked (and also not at all shocked) that all of our feelings were as strong as ever. In October, I moved to the city where Nat lives and we started “officially” dating.

Now we’re two months into this relationship (and six years into knowing one another) and we both are certain we want to be life partners. Marry, live together, have babies, do the forever thing. And I need the APW community’s advice because I’m confused here; I’ve known this guy for years, I see his consistency, I know his family, we have shouldered storms and fight and resolve well, we’ve dared to broach the tough topics and come out stronger. We are a strong couple and I have faith in this thing.

And so this is my problem: I don’t know when it’s okay to marry him.

I have all these strange nebulous numbers in my head like, “Wait until at least a year after you left your ex. No, until a year after the divorce. Yeah, a year sounds about right.” But like, is that STILL too soon? Should we live together before marriage, to “Test-Run” this thing? (I lived with my ex before marriage and that didn’t seem to benefit us?)

If I am sure of someone… and they are sure of me… I know forever starts today, but really, logistically, how do I sort through the puzzle pieces of timing, of planning, of engagement and marriage and babies and home buying?

Sincerely,
In Love Too Soon?

A: Dear ILTS,

Yeah, I’d wait a bit.

You’ve known this guy for a long time. But the majority of that time has been spent in ways that don’t really offer insight into what kind of long-term partner he’d be, or how you guys would be together. You’ve known him as a friend, as the-one-that-got-away, and as a long-distance boyfriend. None of that tells you much about what it’s like to see his dopey face every single day, to listen to his recaps of that show you don’t like, to tolerate the weird sound he makes when he breathes. Fantasy, long-distance, coulda-been dudes are sometimes what they seem, sure! But they more often have a shiny gleam of novelty that leaves their flaws out of focus.

On top of that, when you’re with a very-nice-guy-that-you’re-not-getting-along-with-right-now, like your ex, it’s really easy for practically anyone else to seem amazing just by comparison. You unintentionally end up focusing on all the ways your friend is not like the guy you’re divorcing, and as a result, maybe you don’t notice all of his incompatibilities or irritating quirks. Also, divorce can be kind of traumatic. I wouldn’t fault you for just wanting to settle into something comfortable with someone you’ve known for a while, whether it was a good fit or not.

There’s no standard amount of time that guarantees you officially know one another well enough to get married. There’s no list of boxes to check (like living together) to ensure you know exactly everything about someone. But I’d suggest you at least get used to being around him for a while. And sure, set an arbitrary time marker. How long is up to you—like I said, there’s no ironclad rule here. Just a pick a deadline! The point isn’t, “Well after six months we’ll for sure know enough about each other,” but instead, giving yourself that cutoff forces you to see your relationship differently. Rather than being blinded to any potential issues, you’ll likely be on high alert for them, anxious to suss everything out in advance, knowing that date is looming ahead.

To be honest, I’m guessing you know. I’m guessing that as you’re reading, you’re thinking, “That’s not us! I know him! I really like him!” Frankly, more time will probably just confirm that for you. But isn’t that worth it? Wouldn’t it be nice to rule out that other stuff—the possibility that you’re just starry-eyed, that you’re still hurting from divorce, that you’re just looking for comfort—just dismiss it right off the bat?

Do that. Set some arbitrary time, a year from now, a year from May, whenever. The amount of time itself doesn’t matter, but shifting your perspective does.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ASK APW A QUESTIONPLEASE DON’T BE SHY! IF YOU WOULD PREFER NOT TO BE NAMED, ANONYMOUS QUESTIONS ARE ALSO ACCEPTED. (THOUGH IT REALLY MAKES OUR DAY WHEN YOU COME UP WITH A CLEVER SIGN-OFF!)

Shop Women First: Get Your Handcrafted Affordable Wedding Rings Here

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Before you’ve chosen the wedding date, selected colors, and purchased the dress, you’ve probably researched and discussed what you and your partner want to do in terms of wedding jewelry. But the search can feel pressured (hello commission-based sales) and be filled with the same mass-market settings over and over again. Trying to find an ethical, reliable jeweler, let alone one who also does affordable custom work, can be quite the task, so when we met Kendra Renee Jewelry last year, needless to say, we were psyched.

Metalsmith Kendra loves nothing more than working with clients one-on-one at her studio in Oakland, California, but all her pieces can also be found online. Regardless of whether or not you get to meet her IRL, her focus on personalized, heartfelt customer service will give you what every jewelry-buying experience should be. And the best part? Many of her wedding band styles start at $400.

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Kendra Renee Jewelry’s wedding bands are priced from $400 to $2,500, with prices varying based on type of metal and how many diamonds are in the set. All of the diamonds Kendra uses are ethically sourced post-consumer (aka recycled) stones, and all of her vendors are located here in the U.S., many are local to her in the Bay Area. So when you’re working with Kendra, not only are you supporting a female-owned business, you’re also supporting other small businesses and the community.

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Kendra also takes on completely custom work, which is perfect if you have a family stone or other gold pieces you’d like to use. Custom engagement rings typically start around $2,500, but it all depends on type of metal and stones used. And when you work with Kendra Renee Jewelry, you get an attentive, detail-oriented artisan ring design experience you just don’t find from most jewelers:

Each project and person feels unique and special. It brings me so much joy to create a piece of jewelry for someone that they love and cherish. In the past few months I’ve tracked down beautiful recycled diamonds, I’ve redesigned new settings for family stones, I’ve melted down a grandmother’s jewelry into engagement rings for their granddaughters. Every piece I make has love as its reason for existence. I get to meet incredibly nice people at a magical time in their lives. I feel incredibly blessed that I get to do this for my job.

I give A LOT of fucks. I put thought and intention into each piece. I obsess over the quality and sustainability of materials, the affordability for my client, the long-term durability, the distinctiveness of design. I put tremendous effort into making sure my clients have a good experience. I respond to emails in a timely way. I send clients mid-process photos to check in with them and make sure their custom piece is shaping up how they want it to. I am clear and consistent with my pricing—once I quote a project, I stick to it unless the client wants to add or change something about the design. I put soul and intention into each piece and so I really, REALLY care about how it comes out and the experience my client has working with me.

One thing that brings me particular joy is when someone comes to me with a not-huge budget for an engagement ring. When I create a design for them that not only fits their budget perfectly but feels luxurious and wonderful?! It makes my heart sing. I truly want to provide real value.

One of the coolest things Kendra offers is Double Pour—an event for local couples who have commissioned her to make their rings and literally want to get a hands-on experience in the process. At the event, couples join Kendra and her casting artist in the studio to alloy, melt, pour, and cast their wedding bands in gold. You get to become a part of the creation of your rings and experience firsthand the craft that goes on behind the scenes, and it’s literally magic. This is an awesome way to connect with your partner on such a special part of the wedding planning journey.

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It’s no surprise then that Kendra’s clients adore her and love her process. Some recent clients had this to say about working with her:

As soon as I knew I was ready to propose, I knew that I wanted Kendra to design the engagement ring. Kendra is incredibly talented, unique, and artful, and her design work reflects all of this. She made the whole experience so personal and fun, and worked very closely with my fiancé and me to create a ring perfectly suited for her. We couldn’t be happier with the end result. Her communication throughout every step of the process was immaculate, and she was very patient with all of our requests and hemming and hawing. I cannot recommend Kendra highly enough. She truly is one of a kind, and at the top tier of her field.

 

Kendra is the best! My fiancé and I were searching for a unique engagement ring after he proposed to me in Iceland. I never really took the time to think about the engagement ring of my dreams, however after looking online I reached out to Kendra to get her help and advice. She was so incredibly knowledgeable about engagement rings and diamonds, and in no time I knew the exact diamond and ring design I wanted.

A few months later, I got to go to Kendra’s studio in Oakland to see the diamond and talk about the ring design in person. I arrived with a friend, and we were greeted with warm smiles and wine.

Kendra has since made my TOP TEN list of best human beings on the planet. She was so patient, communicative, and attentive throughout this entire process. Kendra truly made my fiancé and me feel so special. I now have the ring of my dreams that is not only a representation of my fiancé and our relationship, but also a testament to Kendra’s creativity and hard work.

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We also totally can get behind Kendra’s business values. We talked with her about what she feels is most important to her for her business. Here’s what she had to say:

I believe there is no set amount you “should” spend. Only spend what feels comfortable and is in alignment with your values and budget.

I believe in choosing a diamond or gemstone that has a unique personality and that makes you happy, not one that “looks good on paper.”

I will never sacrifice durability. My rings need to stand the test of time.

I believe the wedding jewelry that symbolizes your love for your partner should not hurt the earth or any person on it. This is why I’m committed to using ethically sourced diamonds and gemstones.

I believe love is love. I welcome couples of all shapes, sizes, genders, and sexual orientations.

I believe great communication is the key to any relationship. I strive to be clear, to educate, and to set expectations so that there is never any confusion or anxiety.

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So if you’re looking for the perfectly imperfect wedding jewelry that absolutely reflects you and your partner, hit Kendra up for a free consultation. Stop by and check out her Instagram for more images of real couples and behind-the-scenes shots from the studio.

Kendra loves working with APW couples to create modern heirloom jewelry. Contact her today to chat about your vision!