Am I Still a Feminist if I Have a Frilly Wedding?

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Q: I was raised by feminist parents who taught me to be a strong, independent questioner of norms. And now I’m planning a wedding and am struggling with balancing my values with all the pretty, sappy things I love about weddings. I love tulle and lace and white dresses. I love it when parents walk their daughters down the aisle. Buttt these traditions also feel sort of icky to me, and these days it feels especially important to make sure my wedding embodies my fiancé’s and my egalitarian/feminist/progressive values. How do we balance our values with tradition and with my love of sparkles and tulle? Every decision is starting to feel like a minefield…

—Does This Tulle Make Me Look Like Chattel?

A: Dear DTTMMLLC,

Welcome, my friend. Have a seat. Pull up a chiavari.

Feminism and frills are not at odds. I know what you’re saying. There are some questionable aspects to weddings—some traditions rooted in the women-as-property thing, some stereotypes about hysterical ladies and their br*dezilla rages, some gross consumerism capitalizing on impossible beauty standards. I get it!

But what you mentioned very first is exactly the point. It’s not about abandoning norms, but questioning them. Thinking about the usual stuff we do and asking, “But why?” And then, ultimately, deciding which of those answers you’re okay with. Do you want to be pretty on your wedding day because society has instilled the idea that beauty is the measure of your worth? I mean probably! But does it change that you still wanna? Nah. And a reactionary assumption that anything lacy or shiny or perceived as feminine is immediately bad is also sexist. In short, it’s a complicated reality that we live in. And it’s just not possible to make all of your decisions without any influence from society.

But also, not all of your choices have to be perfectly feminist. Notice, I’m not espousing choice feminism here. Not every choice is feminist just by virtue of being the choice of a woman. Instead, get used to the idea that you won’t get it right every time. Pick your battles. You can’t die on every hill. I feel pretty strongly about supporting small businesses, but sometimes I buy a bulk pack of socks at Target because it’s what I can afford. Not every choice is inherently feminist, but if we want to keep living and breathing and functioning in a patriarchy, not every choice can be.

And realize, too, that not every not-feminist choice is an antifeminist choice. Follow what I’m saying there? You can make a decision that doesn’t promote womankind, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s setting us back.

I completely relate to hoping that your wedding reflects your values. So, what values are you reflecting? Are your parents walking you down the aisle because you’re your dad’s property, or instead because you’re honoring the way they’ve raised and cared for you? I’ll guess it’s the latter, and after all this time, that’s how most folks tend to read it. We don’t live in a bubble—our choices have meaning in a broader social context, apart from our personal intentions. But that meaning tends to change over time.

More than sussing out which traditions have long-ago roots in a patriarchal society (hint: just about all of them), embodying feminism in your wedding is about living it out right now. I’d argue that it’s less about the symbolism, and more about using your dollars to support women-owned businesses, making decisions in equality, sharing the burden of work with your partner. (Though when you want to tackle the symbolism too, we’re here for that.)

TL;DR: You can be a feminist in a fluffy white dress. Keep fighting the good fights! Just realize you can’t fight every one.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ASK APW A QUESTIONPLEASE DON’T BE SHY! IF YOU WOULD PREFER NOT TO BE NAMED, ANONYMOUS QUESTIONS ARE ALSO ACCEPTED. (THOUGH IT REALLY MAKES OUR DAY WHEN YOU COME UP WITH A CLEVER SIGN-OFF!)

 

Now You Can Foil ALL THE THINGS on Your Wedding Invites

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custom foil wedding invitations from mintedAmethyst Watercolor by Hooray Creative for Minted

When it comes to wedding invites, I am always on the lookout for an easy way to add more sparkle. (I mean, pretty much everyone at APW is all in for shiny things. It’s basically our team color.) And while it may totally seem like a wonderful idea douse your invites in Elmer’s glue and glitter, it turns out that wedding guests don’t typically respond favorably to what happens when they open said invites (there’s a reason that glitter bombs are considered a form of punishment).

custom foil wedding invitations from mintedEFFERVESCENT BY KRISTIE KERN FOR MINTED

Which was why I did a happy dance (that may or may not have been set to “Shiny”) when I found out that Minted is launching a brand new, custom foiling option for their wedding invitations. Because you can now get every last bit of text on your invites foiled. I KNOW.

Join me in some shameless ooooh-ing and the aahhhh-ing:

custom foil wedding invitations from mintedEffervescent by Kristie Kern for Minted 

The cool thing about Minted’s foiling process is that they use a hand-applied technique to add opaque foil details—available in gold, rose gold, or silver foil—and that opaqueness means it stands out both on light and dark paper. (Who’s in the market for a wedding invite that is both moody and shiny? [Raises hand]) It’s also super sparkly, way more than a lot of metallic inks, and the best part is it’s a flat $75 fee to add to any invitation. Which means you can get 100 super shiny invitations for under $350.

So for no other reason than A) we like you and B) the world needs more sparkly things in it, today we’ve pulled together some of our favorite custom foil options from Minted for your viewing (and dancing) pleasure:

custom foil wedding invitations from mintedSimple Agate by Petra Kern for Minted

custom foil wedding invitations from minted Modern Angles by Karidy Walker for Minted 

custom foil wedding invitations from mintedShine by Kampai Designs for Minted 

custom foil wedding invitations from mintedPainted Canvas by Robin Ott for Minted 

custom foil wedding invitations from mintedGilded by Carrie ONeal for Minted 

gilt agate custom foil wedding invitations from minted Gilt Agate by Kaydi Bishop for Minted

custom foil wedding invitations from mintedWild Wreath by Wildfield Paper Co for Minted

custom foil wedding invitations from mintedGold Rush by Annie Clark for Minted 

Overlap custom foil wedding invitations from mintedOverlap by Rebecca Bowen for Minted 

custom foil wedding invitations from mintedModern Dash by Makewells for Minted

striped love custom foil wedding invitations from mintedStriped Love by Carolyn MacLaren for Minted

custom foil wedding invitations from mintedWatercolor Delight by Petra Kern for Minted 

beauty custom foil wedding invitations from mintedBeauty by Lori Wemple for Minted

P.S. Did you know Minted also has a huge selection of day-of decor items like place cards, table numbers, favor tags, and even table linens. You can even create custom art for after the wedding of your vows or a favorite quote in custom foil to bring that shine factor home.

Head over to minted to check out their gorgeous selection of custom foiled invitations and then tell us which one is your favorite.

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This post was sponsored by Minted. Minted sources designs from independent artists all across the globe, meaning you get affordable art in your life, and artists can make a living doing what they love. Minted is easily one of our favorite destinations for wedding invites (the designs are just so good, y’all). Click here to find everything from save the dates to invitations, decor, and more. (And then add that shine to it.)