Does Sex Really Matter That Much in a Relationship?

a couple sitting on a dock together

I have been in a pre-engaged relationship with a great guy for over a year. He’s caring, incredibly loyal, and quirky. We also share a lot of the same values socially and politically. The only downside is the sex: it’s bad and unsatisfying. And yes, it’s something we have talked about and been trying to work through via communication, better foreplay, toys, weekends away, etc., but to no avail. I feel very torn and frustrated. I feel like I’ve finally found this person who would make a great life partner and future father, but who will likely never be able to satisfy me sexually. My question is just how much does sex matter in marriage? Are there people who marry their partners and make it work even if the sex was bad to begin with or is that already a recipe for divorce?

Lady,

Meg here. I took a timeout from my I-actually-haven’t-answered-an-advice-question-in-a-few-years schedule to talk to you because, well, we need to chat. So here comes the tough love, which I’m ninety-nine percent sure is what you wrote in for anyway.

So let’s start here. Way back in college I had a boyfriend that I thought was amazing. (He turned out to be kind of a dick, but ahhh college, and that’s really not the point of the story anyway.) The point is, we felt like soulmates, and we liked all the same things, finished each other’s sentences, and laughed at all the same jokes. But one thing was missing: Chemistry. On the most biological level, I remember that he didn’t smell that good to me. (In fact, writing this I can still remember his smell, that’s how deep into the brain this shit goes.) And I also remember writing in my diary that I didn’t really like kissing him. On some fundamental biological level, we were just not compatible.

Fast forward to my life partner. We’ve had periods where the sex has been good, and meh, and really fucking great… because life changes and your body changes and how stressed you are changes, and… all the things. But the fundamental building block of chemistry has always been there. Like he literally smells amazing to me. PHEROMONES, can’t beat ’em.

So here is my question for you: Is there chemistry? Like when you smell his sweaty gym shirt do you want to jump him? (Gross, but also a fact of human biology.) When you see him (and you have energy and are in the mood and all that noise), do you WANT him? Because if the answer is yes (and be honest), then you can work it out. You go to a sex therapist, you rent some porn, whatever. But if the answer is no (and my suspicion is that it’s no… because you’ve clearly done the dirty work and gotten the toys and porn and such), then… in my opinion? You have to leave him. Because you both deserve better, and life is long.

To answer the question you asked though, “Just how much does sex matter in a marriage?” I think you know the answer, or you wouldn’t be asking it.

It matters a lot.

Sex is what makes a marriage different from just a working partnership, or a good friend. Sex is what allows you to reconnect over and over again, even when life is hard. Also, good sex is just something humans are built to want. And while you both might think that you are game to sign up for a lifetime of bad sex, at some point one of you is going to get sick of it, and once you’ve built a life together, chances are that’s not going to end well.

But while you might be setting yourself up for divorce (and again, I think you already know that). I worry more about what you’re giving up on the day to day—a primal connection with the person that is closest to you. A smell that makes you feel like home every night of the week. Because yeah, sharing political values matters too (at least to me). But it has to come with the whole package. And chemistry is the glue that binds it all together.

And now I’ll let some commenters tell me I’m wrong, which I’m fine with. Because whatever the answer is, you already know it in your heart. And I don’t think you would have written us if that answer was the one you wanted it to be.

Hugs,

Meg

Our 130 Guest Atlanta Wedding Happened in a Happy Cloud of Magic

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Cristen, podcaster & Chris, av genius

Sum-up of the wedding vibe: A culmination of our time, sweat, and creativity that was nothing but celebratory and a little magical.

Planned budget: $13,000

Actual budget: $15,000

Number of guests: 130

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Where we allocated the most funds:

Soon after I’d gotten engaged, Meg Keene was a guest on my podcast, Stuff Mom Never Told You. It was the most fortuitous interview—even though I resisted asking her for all the advice. One thing she mentioned that really stuck in my brain was to outsource the stuff you aren’t super pumped to DIY. That way you’ll be able to spend more of your time making the thing you really love. In my case, that was a massive jellyfish-like installation to hang from the ceiling. (It looked a hundred times better than how I just described it.)

Short story long, the chunk of our money went to the florist because I’m all about the greenery, the DJ because (for me) even mediocre music is a mood-killer, and chair and table rentals added up quickly. Food and booze were our medium tier of spending since an amazing friend/chef offered to prepare our wedding food as his gift to us. A bestie of mine made the wedding cake. Another friend served as my day-of coordinator, and I can’t emphasize enough how much easier she made the whole event; especially if you’re going DIY, find an organized friend with event planning experience or find room in the budget to hire one. Totally worth it.

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Where we allocated the least funds:

Invites, place settings (disposable bamboo place settings matched the reception space perfectly), Cristen’s shoes, Chris’s ring (since he wanted titanium), event planning, and eighty-sixing favors and parting gifts.

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What was totally worth it:

I didn’t price compare florists because I truly loved this specific shop and wanted to invest my money in them. That’s really what wedding planning became, in fact: a series of considerations about whom I’d like to invest at least a few zeros in. Once that became my mindset, I truly started to enjoy it. So for the flowers, I could’ve founded cheaper ones or bought fewer, but I adore flowers and it was worth every peony.

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What was totally not worth it:

We tried to cut out as much extraneous stuff as possible. This one’s a curveball, but we totally didn’t need the photo booth. We’d been to wedding before in more confined spaces, which makes the photo booth kind of a necessary getaway. But our venue was so roam-able, the photo booth got lost amid the milling about.

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A few things that helped us along the way:

Hands down APW!

Also, paying for all but a small percentage ourselves. When planning a wedding that you really want to like, financial leverage is everything. Looking at Pinterest together was also great. We learned so much about our different style preferences that just normally don’t come up in our typical couple conversation. Seeing my therapist was truly the best (no joke!), and online booze calculators work and are totally worth the time!

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My best practical advice for my planning self:

Give yourself a reasonably long engagement. Practically, it lengthens your runway for having to pull off a lot of stuff (even if it’s a super chill event). Personally, it gives you and your boo time to fully experience this underrated phase of engagement. I felt pure calm marrying my husband because we had weathered a long-enough relationship that it contains some rough spots, and we learned that we could be really good at next-level conflict resolution. To me, that’s so important—and way more important than wedding planning.

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Favorite thing about the wedding:

Never not smiling; the gorgeous venue decorated and lit with love by my sisters, friends, neighbors, me, and my husband; our last dance.

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Anything else to share:

APW seriously helped plan the wedding that honored my husband and myself and our families. Also speaking of families, there were certain elements of the wedding that were purely there for our (more religious, conservative) families; they didn’t feel disingenuous though because, in a way, they were our gifts to them. My husband and I decided on our non-negotiables, and one of those was making our families feel as welcome and comfortable as our besties. It paid off with an event vibe of pure community, joy, and lots of spiked lemonade good times.

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