Why Can’t Our Parents Just Be Happy about Our Elopement?

Close up of woman's neck and torso, wearing a pink robe and necklace with pearl

Q:Days into our engagement I became pretty unhappy with what our dollars could get us for venues and rentals, not to mention that my parents insinuated that choosing to get married where my fiancé and I live instead of five states away where our parents live meant we didn’t care much about them. I couldn’t believe my parents had become the parents who were turning my wedding into something about them, instead of supporting what I wanted for such an important event.

It became too stressful to think about the wedding itself, so I decided to focus on the honeymoon for a while. I grew up traveling all over the world, so the idea of a new adventure was so reassuring and refreshing. The more I looked into flights and points of interest and museum tickets I felt happier about getting to be with the man I love doing something incredible.

It was at this point I realized that’s all I wanted—to go on an adventure, alone with my love, and start our life together doing something amazing. We decided to get married in Iceland, during peak northern lights season, in a country full of waterfalls and volcanoes and glaciers. Early on we realized that the minimal interaction we had already had with our parents over wedding planning was not something we wanted to repeat. So we called them up and let them know we were getting married out of the country and that we wanted to do something we love as the beginning of our marriage. Because I knew it might be hard for them to hear, I reassured them that when we returned we could have a reception near them (we are actually having two receptions on our return—one up north near both sets of parents, and one in the south for our close friends). I let them know they could invite whoever they want and plan the whole thing between both pairs of parents.

Unbelievably, they are more upset than I thought possible. My fiancé’s mother is barely speaking to him and has started posting angry photos on Pinterest about how she’s so hurt and tired of trying anymore (she has never told us directly what that means or that she’s upset about our plans). My parents have told us that they think we should get married with them before we go to Iceland, that they must witness our vows, that it’s vital my dad walk me down the aisle, that they refuse to come to Iceland (they weren’t invited but it’s nice to know they decided not to come).

It’s been hard, especially as when we got engaged my parents pledged financial help (no strings mentioned in that offer), but obviously their responses to our plans mean we haven’t asked them for anything and are paying for everything ourselves. In that regard, it seems even more unfair that we should be punished for what we want when we aren’t asking them for any help or relying on them in any way.

As this has become our decision, it’s been upsetting that I can’t find any posts online of people having similar situations. We are not estranged from our parents; I just FaceTimed my mom yesterday. We are simply uninterested in starting our married life trying to please our parents. Why can’t we do what we want and they be happy for us?

—Mixed up and Mad in Music City

A: Dear MUAMIMC,

Parents are pretty notorious for making our wedding decisions about themselves. They’ve got their own ideas, and sometimes they mistakenly think those should also be yours. But, lady. Whether or not you invite them? That is about them. It’s understandable that they’d have some feelings about it.

You’re allowed to elope, of course. That’s a totally fine, completely valid choice. There are loads of great things about eloping! For one, you can avoid all of those loathed arguments about the location. You get to sidestep all the bickering over details. You can enjoy time with just your partner. But in exchange, you’re gonna face some unhappy parents. That’s the trade you’re signing up for, here.

You get to pick the wedding you want to have, but you don’t get to dictate how other people feel about it. And it sounds like your parents aren’t even handling this poorly! They’re not disowning you or doing anything dramatic. They’re just coping with some completely normal feelings in completely normal ways (P.S. Time to unfollow that Pinterest board for a bit). As parents, we pour a lot of ourselves into our kids. Everything my boys experience impacts me in a profoundly personal way. Their hardships are mine. Their joys are, too. I’m trying to raise independent kids who make their own decisions, but still, I’d hope to be able to at least witness the big, exciting, happy moments after being there for all of the sad, hard, heavy ones.

Try to see things from their perspective, and while you’re at it, to readjust your expectations. Your parents are disappointed, and there’s not much you can do about it. That’ll be easier for you to cope with if you expect it, rather than hoping for them to be overjoyed to miss your wedding (it ain’t happening). Try to be a little less defensive and a little more sympathetic to how they’re feeling. It’ll make it a little easier for all of you to deal with the disappointments you’re facing.

(And psst, guys, really, don’t tell your parents if you’re planning to elope. I mean it. Eloping means telling them the good news after the fact, when all they can do is cry a few tears over missing it and move on.)

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ASK APW A QUESTION, PLEASE DON’T BE SHY! IF YOU WOULD PREFER NOT TO BE NAMED, ANONYMOUS QUESTIONS ARE ALSO ACCEPTED. (THOUGH IT REALLY MAKES OUR DAY WHEN YOU COME UP WITH A CLEVER SIGN-OFF!)

49 Stunning Bridal Shower Dresses to Make You Shine

wedding day vibes sequined shift on brunette woman

Wedding Day Vibes Dress (sadly out of stock)

It can be tricky to pick bridal shower dresses, simply because there are so few rules about what to wear. We all bitch about etiquette, but the great part about it is that it gives you a reasonably clear set of rules to follow (or chose to break intentionally). Wear this, do this… or hey, I don’t like those rules so I’m not gonna follow them.

But when it comes to bridal showers, there are not a ton of rules (and there are many kinds of showers), so figuring out what to do and how to dress, can be really hard. Bridal showers vary from casual backyard gatherings, to large, formal shindigs (I’ve been to both, and more besides). So when it comes to finding bridal shower dresses, you have to figure out a few things first:

  • How formal is the shower? (Ask yourself: Where is it being held? What time of day is it? How many people are coming?)
  • What’s the crowd? (You probably act and dress differently with your fifty-year-old aunties, than you do with your co-workers or life-long BFFs.)
  • What’s the general vibe of the party? (I had a book shower and dive bar in New York City party, and a politely open gifts in front of my husband’s family party… and I wore very different bridal shower dresses, trust me.)

Once you’ve asked yourself those questions, you also just have to figure out what you feel comfortable in and what you want to wear. Lots of people choose to wear a white engagement dress, because it’s one extra day that you can stand out and feel like a bride. But that is in no way mandatory. Polling our office, nobody wore white to their bridal shower (in fact, one of us wore leopard print). Which brings me to our very important poll. What are you / did you/ would you wear to your bridal shower? THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW.

Pending the results of our Super Scientific Survey, I’ve tried to keep it flexible. I’ve included a lot of white engagement dresses, and a fair amount of lighter summery prints (OKAY FINE, and some brights, because I think they’re the prettiest). While I’m assuming most bridal showers are daytime affairs, I have tucked in a few slightly more formal options, just in case. Plus, some rompers, in case your best girlfriends throw you the coolest shower of all time. I tried to cover a variety of price points for bridal shower dresses, assuming that you’re probably not going to spend a fortune on this one (but giving you a few killer options just in case you are).

Pro-Tip: I included a really good sampling of dresses from Rent the Runway, partially because their daytime dress department is on fire right now, but mostly because bridal showers are the perfect occasion to rent a nicer-than-you’d-normally-buy-and-don’t-really-need-in-your-closet kind of dress. Also, because I personally always forget renting is an option till it’s too late, and then kick myself.

Let’s do this thing.

White engagement Dresses

woman in long sleeved lace and pleated white dress

Lace Evening Dress with Pleated Skirt, Plus Sizes ($169.90)

woman in sleeveless lace bridal shower dress on pink background

Defining Divine Midi Dress, available in Plus Sizes ($150)

woman in cold shoulder white dress with looped belt

Cold Shoulder Pleated A-Line Dress, Plus Sizes ($99.90)

woman in cold shoulder lace mini-shift

Cold Shoulder Lace Shift Dress ($149)

Lace shift high neck dress on redhead woman with tulle overlay

Time and Grace Lace Dress, available in Plus Sizes ($99.99)

modern lace a line v neck dress on woman

Memphis Dress ($270)

black woman in dropped shoulder trumpet sleeve white romper

Trumpet Sleeve Romper, Plus Sizes ($128)

dropped shoulder lace knee length dress on white woman

Tiered Off-the-Shoulder Eyelet Dress, available in Petite Sizes ($438)

dropped shoulder trumpet sleeve fitted dress plus size on woman

Lace Ruffle Sleeve Off the Shoulder Dress, Plus Sizes ($129.90)

woman in pleated white strappy white dress

Lily Pond Fit & Flare Dress ($128)

off the shoulder crochet ankle length white dress with natural hair model

Tatiana Off the Shoulder Dress ($140)

boatneck cream dress with silver sequins on woman

Beaded Sands Swing Dress, available in Petite Sizes ($228)

black woman in off the shoulder cream ruffle bridal shower dress with gold details

Studio Off the Shoulder Double Ruffle Gown, Plus Sizes ($154.90)

woman in white slip dress with lace neckline detail

Lace Trim Slipdress ($100)

woman in white dress dress with crotchet lace stripes

Embroidered Midi Dress ($135)

long sheer polka dot white dropped shoulder dress

Cold-Shoulder Tiered Maxi Dress ($118)

dropped shoulder ruffle mini dress with lace detail on woman

Studio Eyelet Off the Shoulder Dress, Plus Sizes ($139.90)

satin shift mini dress with single shoulder strap

Tea Room Dress ($180)

cream lace maxi spagetti strap dress with crochet detail

Crochet Trim Maxi Dress ($105)

ruffled halter white dress defined waist

Studio Flounce Tiered Dress, Plus Sizes ($134.90)

Non-White Bridal Shower Dresses

v neck floral white dress with sheer and ruffle details

John Zack Plus Ruffle Shoulder Floral Maxi Dress, Plus Sizes ($87)

multicolor stripe halter dress on woman

Purposefully Piquant Midi Dress, includes Plus Sizes ($119.99)

plus size tropical print dress with drop sleeve ruffle details

ASOS CURVE Floral Ruffle Prom Midi Dress, Plus Sizes ($135)
mini striped shift dress on woman model

Leslie Geo Tunic Dress, available in Petite Sizes ($198)

magenta wrap dress v neck on black model

Tie Waist Halter Dress, Plus Sizes ($149.90)

natural hair model with loose illustrated cream sleeveless dress

Sheena Maxi Dress ($248)

ruffled sleeve multicolor and white print dress

Little Mistress Plus Floral Printed Skater Dress with Fluted Sleeve, Plus Sizes ($108)

tropical leaf print one shoulder ruffle mini dress

Caline Poplin Dress, available in Petite Sizes ($158)

mini blue sheet wrap dress with lace inserts and slits

sleeveless black and white stripe peasant dress with red embroidery

sleeveless cream dress with sheer floral layer

Inesse V-Neck Chiffon Gown, available in some Plus Sizes ($290)

white slip dress with emrboidered floral long sleeve sheer overlay

Embroidered Maxi Dress with Tie Waist ($214)

dusty rose slip dress with drop sleeve sheer lace overlay

Boohoo Plus Lace Overlay Cami Dress, Plus Sizes ($56)

Sleeveless maxi white dress with pink colorblock bottom

Contrast Hem Maxi Dress ($35)

tie front short sleeve white dress with floral sheer overlay

striped green and yellow sleeveless fitted waist dress

Colorful on Cue A-Line Dress ($99.99)

Rental Bridal Shower Dresses

strappy maxi dress with pleated floral details

Waleska Printed Chiffon Slip Maxi, available in Petite Sizes ($90–$105, Rental)

single shoulder minidress loose with modern floral details on navy

Floral Painted Drop Waist Dress ($50–$65, Rental)

white bodycon short sleeve mini dress with abstract paint multicolor pattern

Derek Dress ($30–$55, Rental)

sleeveless fitted white dress with blue embroidery and ruffle bottom

Floral Mariana Dress ($120–$135, Rental)

halter maxi dress with sheer lace overlay in white

Pennie Dress, available in Long ($55–$90, Rental)

tie front cutout tropical maxi dress

Flora Stone Tie Front Maxi Dress, available in some Petite Sizes ($70–$85, Rental)

drop sleeve ruffle short tunic in coral

Peony Ruffle Off Shoulder Shift ($45–$80, Rental)

grey and pink pleated sleeveless dress with floral details

Ola Pleated Dress ($65–$80, Rental)

tie front striped orange and pink fitted dress

Spring Stripe Dress ($30–$50, Rental)

dress with fitted cutout top and colorblock white black and pink pleated bottom

Stripe Pleated Cami Dress ($80–$100, Rental)

maxi dress with blue and red abstract print

Purple Verona Dress ($50–$70, Rental)