How the Indigo Girls and LGBT-Affirming Christians Helped Me Heal from Religious Rejection

You might have heard the news recently that American soccer stud, er, star Abby Wambach married Glennon Doyle, “Christian mommy blogger.” I’m guessing most readers are more familiar with Abby’s achievements, so if you found yourself wondering who this lucky Glennon woman is, sit down next to me.

See, Glennon Doyle is a lot of things to a lot of people—best-selling author, philanthropist, heretic—but to me, she’s the Jesus-loving sister I wish I had. She’s part of my chosen family dream team. And she’s been that to me for years, long before she shocked portions of the Internet by marrying Abby Wambach. Why? Because, in a way, she chose me (plus we’re also related by my original dream chosen family, the Indigo Girls).

Let me explain.

In the summer of 1996, when I was sixteen, my older sister took me to my first Indigo Girls concert. For the first time, I was surrounded by women, many of whom were clearly lesbians and/or badass with their crew cuts and literal swagger, and it felt amazing. I crushed on Amy Ray without knowing to call it that. All I knew was I loved the Indigo Girls.

Two years later my sister would marry a man whose Christian beliefs didn’t allow for Indigo Girls music. My sister’s own beliefs would quickly conform to his. Meanwhile, I lost my religion, and went to college (Emory—the alma mater of the Amy and Emily), where my new friends called me “their lesbian” because of my Indigo Girls fandom. But it was just an inside joke. I was going on dates with guys occasionally, looking for but failing to find a real connection.

Then I met a girl with a handmade Ani Difranco bumper sticker on her Volvo. She was a revelation. All the things I felt for her I’d never felt before. I told my sister. She said it wasn’t love, it was Satan’s trick.

My sister and the girl with the Ani sticker both broke my heart that summer. But it was worth it. Love always is.

After that I spent many years (like, ten) trying to show my sister she was wrong about me—in person, by letter, and on the phone. The rest of the time we were cordial mostly, but we weren’t real sisters anymore. I mean, what kind of relationship can you have with someone who thinks your love life is founded on evil?

Other people said she’d come around with time. I thought maybe once she saw me happy and healthy and clearly not in the devil’s grip with my partner and children, she’d have an epiphany or at least mellow. Time passed. Children were born. Neither helped. Meanwhile the sister-shaped hole in my life only seemed to grow as I watched my friends raise their kids in the midst of loving extended families.

I first found Glennon Doyle’s blog Momastery in 2012 via her “Don’t Carpe Diem” post, the one that went viral and landed her a book deal—and for good reason. It nailed what it feels like to be a mom of young kids in public, just trying to survive another sweaty outing, while strangers insist that you enjoy every moment (even when your cherub is peeing in the corner at the grocery store) because it all goes by so fast.

I was taken in by Glennon’s openness about her past struggles with bulimia and addiction, her self-deprecating humor, her apparent lack of Christian judginess, and perhaps most importantly her deep love for the Indigo Girls.

But I was also suspicious. I half held my breath looking around her site waiting for some sign of “love the sinner, hate the sin” bullshit. I didn’t find any. Instead I found a letter to her son about how she and his dad would feel if he turned out to be gay (spoiler: totally fine). She wrote about how an antigay sermon sent her on a mission of researching and seeking that ultimately lead her to her enthusiastic acceptance of LGBT people (“I spent my nights scouring scripture, researching the positions of different denominations, and praying and praying and praying some more…. Every morning when the sun finally came up, I’d call Sister at work. She’d answer her phone with: ‘We’re gonna talk about the gays again, aren’t we, Sister?’ ‘Yes, Sister. Yes, we are. Clear your schedule.’)

She also wrote a post called “MY LOVE LETTER TO AMY AND EMILY, OF OUR BELOVED INDIGO GIRLS” which is self-explanatorily everything.

Many of Glennon’s readers argued with her, many I’m sure abandoned her, but Glennon never wavered. I frequently cried reading her posts.

Here she was—the Christian sister I wished I had. She existed. She wasn’t mine exactly, but she was out there and she was fighting for people like me and still singing her heart out at Indigo Girls concerts.

I watched as other evangelical Christian women bloggers took up the LGBT compassion fight online—Rachel Held Evans, confessed doubter and thoughtful establishment dissenter, and then last year Jen Hatmaker, an evangelical superstar who had everything to lose by doing so and did indeed lose a lot. Glennon, Rachel, and Jen went even further and got intersectional. They came out for black and brown lives, for Muslims, and for refugees.

These women didn’t need to speak out about all of these issues. Their lives didn’t depend on it the way marginalized lives do. They could have kept quiet and raked in all the monies from the Christian Industrial Complex that richly rewards well-behaved Christian women bloggers. But well-behaved Christian women are rarely on the right side of history. Personally I’ve always felt more at home among the rebels, the troublemakers, and the outsiders. And if I remember correctly from my Methodist Sunday school lessons, Jesus did too.

Last year Glennon published a book about her struggle to save her marriage. The book ends with them together, but she announced shortly before she was to go on her book tour that she had separated from her husband. Talk about not staying quiet in order to prioritize raking in all the monies.

I read it fast, related so much to it, and it gave me new hope for my own non-Christian marriage, which is ten years old now and strained at times with all the things we’re all strained by—work, parenting, dreams deferred, etc.

Glennon writes in a way that’s so accessible and vulnerable and honest. I noticed that she made several comments about never liking sex. Eating disorder survivors often have trouble with intimacy, I reasoned, but what if Glennon just hadn’t figured it out yet. What if Glennon wasn’t just my dream chosen family, what if Glennon was my dream chosen family?

A few months later a friend who knows I love Abby Wambach and Glennon texted me that her friend heard at one of Glennon’s events that they were dating. It might be my all time most exciting text message I’ve ever gotten, but I couldn’t believe it at first. There was no corroborating information online yet. So I kept checking. And checking. And then there it was—Glennon and Abby cuddled up all over the Internets.

Glennon later shared that when she first told her ex-husband about Abby, he responded to the news with, “Holy shit. Is this what all the Indigo Girls was about?”

I laughed out loud.

It sent me sailing back through time to my freshman year in college when I finally admitted to one of my friends that there might be some truth to the joke, that I met this girl and I might really be their actual lesbian, and my dear, totally straight, totally unfazed friend just said, “Shocker.”

It was the best possible answer. Thank goodness I told her first. Twenty years later we’re still friends, my sister is still lost to me, and with a lot of help from a lot of badass women (some Christian, some not), I’m a lot closer to fine about that.

Masculine of Center Wedding Attire Roundup

Author on wedding day, wearing a suit jacket and boutonnière Rejoice, my friends, for wedding season is upon us! And that means it’s time to go shopping. But for all my Masculine of Center* comrades out there, now is also the time to start panicking. (*Masculine of Center is an inclusive term for queer/lesbian folks who fall on the masculine end of the spectrum, originally used by B. Cole, founder of the Brown Boi Project.) Are you afraid that tux rental going to make you look like you’re wearing your dad’s suit? Are you staying up at night, asking yourself whether the shirt you just bought is flattering or makes you look like you’re wearing pajamas?

Don’t worry, I’ve got your back. I’ve rounded up some outfits and pieces of outfits to help you get through the next few months. Whether you’re standing at the altar, heading to your shower, or poppin’ bottles at your engagement party, one of the outfits below should work for you. As a bonus, I’ve thrown in a couple options if you’re not the one getting married, but are attending a wedding as a guest. (As a second bonus, here’s some tomboy flower girls that remind us clothing has no gender.)

Embroidery inside jacket, which reads: Fancy Suit, 2pts to Wedding Day CharismaNow listen up. Before we get started with some bomb clothes for you to look your best, there’s a rule we must all commit to memory and abide by: The tailor is your friend. Don’t dissuade yourself from buying the perfect pants that will make you look sharp AF because they’re forty miles too long (WHY CAN’T INSEAMS BE TWENTY-EIGHT INCHES ON THE REG???). Get that ish hemmed, get your shirts taken in, and DEFINITELY get your jacket sleeves shortened. Trust me. Your future self (and your future wedding album) will thank you.

Pro tip: As the name suggests, men’s shirts are tailored to fit men. And that means there isn’t appropriate room for bigger chests. But it doesn’t have to be this way! The women’s section can be a treasure trove for plain dress shirts that don’t look too girly. Check out the Stretch Perfect Shirt from J.Crew or the Riley-Fit Tailored Solid Shirt from Banana Republic, for example. If you’re set on a men’s shirt, though, and you don’t want to deal with the dreaded button-down shirt boob gap, you have options. I’ve found that wearing a binder, like these from gc2b, helps smooth things out and make my shirts fit better. It’s like Spanx for your chest. And they even come in a range of flesh tones, so it won’t show under a thin white shirt.

So without further ado, let’s get you dressed:

Masculine of center ENGAGEMENT PARTY

So you got engaged, CONGRATS, and you’re thinking, “Okay sweet, I just have to prepare for one BIG day, and that’s like, ten months away, so I can coast for a few weeks before I start my research.” WRONG! Getting married is about having eighty million parties celebrating you and your partner leading up to the actual day, where everyone also celebrates you and your partner. It’s literally a year of celebrating. And that starts with the engagement party. 

Engagement Look 1

Shirt: Daily Grind Limited Edition from BonobosPants: Stone Twill Ultra Skinny Fit Dress Pants from TopmanShoes: dark blue loafers from H&M

Get the party started with the Daily Grind Limited Edition from Bonobos. Together with a classic pair of chinos, like the Stone Twill Ultra Skinny Fit Dress Pants from Topman, and these dark blue loafers from H&M, you’ll be ready to kick of your wedding celebration year in style.

Engagement Look 2

Pants: Black and White Check Ultra Skinny Fit Cropped Dress Pants Sweater: Mode Merino V-Neck Jumper from AllSaints Also check out these Black and White Check Ultra Skinny Fit Cropped Dress Pants from Topman with the Mode Merino V-Neck Jumper from AllSaints. This look says that you’re business up top, but you’re all party down below.

MASCULINE OF CENTER WEdding SHOWER TIME

If you thought that showers were for “girls,” you’re mistaken, my friend. More and more couples are doing joint showers, and that means you need to look fly for a daytime event. But don’t sweat it. You can have some fun here, too.

Shower Look 1

Shirt: Fred Perry Slim Fit Twin Tipped Polo Shirt from ASOS Masculine of center queer POC in Daisy Button Up and maroon pants Pants: Archie Pant

You can’t go wrong with a classic polo, like this Fred Perry Slim Fit Twin Tipped Polo Shirt from ASOS. A short-sleeve button up, like the Daisy Button Up from Wildfang, will also do the trick. Pair either the polo or the button-up with the Archie Pant, also from Wildfang.

SHOWER LOOK 2

WD-NY Black Pink and Green Floral BlazerASOS Slim Chino Shorts Comme des Garçons Play Crewneck T-shirtSperry Gold Cup boat shoes

I’m currently drooling over the WD-NY Black Pink and Green Floral Blazer from Target. Throw this together with some white shorts and t-shirt, like the ASOS Slim Chino Shorts and the Comme des Garçons Play Crewneck T-shirt, and these Sperry Gold Cup boat shoes from Nordstrom, and you’ll be all set to open those gifts and drink those mimosas.

MASCULINE OF CENTER WEDDING ATTIRE

If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to own at least one good suit. (If you have the budget, two good suits is even more ideal—one for fall/winter and one for spring/summer. But I’ll save that for another post.) And since this is probably one of the most important days of your life, it’s okay to splurge a little. I’ve rounded up two looks for you, but there’s also plenty of Masculine of Center wedding inspiration in our archives (like this one, this one, or even this gem.)

Wedding look 1ASOS slim navy suit with double-breasted vestqueer Masculine of center person in black suitAnnapolis Black Tomboy shirt from Haute ButchASOS white sateen shirt

You can’t go wrong with a light wool suit, like this slim navy number from ASOS. You can skip the vest and get the pants hemmed a little shorter for a cropped look if you want it to feel more modern. If you want to stick with traditional, go with dark gray or black, like the Davis blazer and Ansari pants combo from Wildfang. Go with a black shirt to keep it svelte—like this amazing Annapolis Black Tomboy shirt from Haute Butch—or add some color for a lighter flare. And if you want to keep it classic, this white sateen shirt from ASOS will make you feel like James Bond.

wedding look 2

Heart & Dagger blazer from ASOS paired with shorts Heart & Dagger blazer from ASOS paired with pantsASOS Slim Sateen Shirt with Wing Collar And Contrast Buttons

But hey, this is your wedding. You do you. It’s okay for you to get a little crazy. If you’re a summer wedding kind of couple, this Heart & Dagger blazer from ASOS paired with shorts is A+ (get the pants, too, so it’s like two suits in one!). This ASOS Slim Sateen Shirt with Wing Collar And Contrast Buttons is a perfect way to round out the look. The collar dresses it up a little more, especially if you go with shorts.

wedding Shirts & Accessories

Speckle button up shirt from Wild FangFlower Perfect Pocket Square from NordstromNavy Floral Print Tie from Topman

And, if you want to get crazy but not TOO crazy, you can always wear a patterned shirt like the Speckle button up from Wild Fang, add a pocket square for a hint of color (check out the Perfect Pocket Square from Nordstrom), or go with a fun tie, like this Navy Floral Print Tie from Topman.

DesignB London Stag Lapel Pin In Rose Gold from ASOSNixon The Sentry Watch from NordstromAccessories don’t have to be limited to ties and pocket squares. The DesignB London Stag Lapel Pin In Rose Gold from ASOS will definitely be a conversation starter. Complement your look with an elegant timepiece, like this Nixon The Sentry Watch from Nordstrom.

Shoes: Downtown Dappers from Tomboy Toes

Don’t cheap out on the shoes, either. The last thing you need on your wedding day is a blister to ruin your honeymoon. The Downtown Dappers from Tomboy Toes will round out your outfit without breaking the bank. And they have sizes as small as 34, for those tinier feet.

MASCULINE OF CENTER GUEST ATTIRE

As a guest, your main job is to show up and have fun supporting your friends, while looking fly and feeling your best. And you don’t have to drop a ton of benjamins to do that.

Guest look 1

linen blazer and pants from H&Mred skull socks from Stance

A daytime wedding calls for lighter fabrics. This linen blazer and pants combo from H&M can be paired with a slim black tie and white shirt, or shirt with no tie, if you’re feeling more casual. And for a subtle way to introduce some color, how cool are these red skull socks from Stance?

GUest look 2

Noose & Monkey Super Skinny Tux in Pink from ASOS Black Patent Tassel Loafers from Topman

If you get invited to a black tie event, don’t panic—and don’t think that your only option is to rent a tux. You can find some great options for less than $300, like this Noose & Monkey Super Skinny Tux in Pink from ASOS. Add a white or black shirt, no socks, black shoes—like these Black Patent Tassel Loafers from Topman—and you’ll be good to go. Who says only femmes wear pink? (I love this look for getting married in, too.)

So now you have some great outfit ideas in your arsenal to make sure you look hot as hell when you show up for the party, whether it’s for you or someone you love. Don’t forget sweet details like monogramed pocket squares, cool lapel pins, or adding custom embroidery inside your suit. Also keep in mind that your suit doesn’t have to be put out to pasture once the celebrations are over. Refresh your digs with a new shirt or socks, and you’ll look as good as new the next fancy event you’re invited to.

What do you or your masculine of center partner plan to wear for weddings or other events? Show us your pics in the comments!