Ask Team Practical: Crying, Firing Friendors, and Gifts

{Wedding day emotions by Lauren McGlynn}

I’ve been, without fail, a big weepy mess at all of the weddings I’ve ever attended. Weddings just always make my heart swell and the tears pour (well…weddings, Oprah, a sentimental commercial, the national anthem, the drop of a hat, etc.). Such is my nature, and as a guest I don’t feel embarrassed; I pack my pockets with tissues, eventually regain composure and am ready to par-tay. As a bride, though, I’m nervous. Given that I’m an easy crier by nature, what extreme outpouring will my OWN wedding provoke? Practically speaking, what if I’m so shaky and choked up during the ceremony that I will be physically unable to get my vows out? Head nod? Reverse sign language interpreter? Ack!

Couple the crying with noticeable stage fright, and I am worried that I simply won’t be able to handle the emotional weight and center-of-attention-ness of my own wedding. I don’t want to hold back, and I certainly don’t want to strip the day of all meaning and sentiment, but I also don’t want my radiant smile totally overshadowed by red, puffy eyes, nor do I want to hover in the background of my own wedding. It’s going to be a great party, and I want to enjoy it! What to do? Any strategies to mitigate or cope with sobbing through your wedding day? Or staying confident and carefree despite being (gulp) the center of 250 people’s attention?
~Worried About Tears & Emotions Running Wild, Obstructing Revelry at Knot-tying Shindig
 

WATERWORKS, here’s the thing:

There’s not a whole lot you can do to stop yourself from reacting however you end up reacting. The best thing to do is get ready to roll with it. Even the most stoic of people can be moved to tears during their wedding, so don’t think that your sobby nature will be your downfall. But you might surprise yourself and stay strong while your partner gets weepy. Meg told me, “I cry at everything all the time. I cry when I put together a good Wedding Graduate post. But at our wedding I was the driest eye in the house. It was too emotionally huge to even think about crying. Who knew?” And then there was Lauren, who instead of being teary, laughed down the aisle. So the bottom line is there is no way to predict how you’ll react in the moment, but I do have some tips to make you feel prepared:
  • Talk to your officiant and warn her that you might cry, possibly a lot. It’s something she’s sure to have dealt with before, and she should be able to help calm your fears. She can be prepared to pause and give you time to pull yourself together. Also, make sure you know your vows well; you’ll feel more prepared to deal if you know where and when you’ll answer “I do.”
  • Find ways to hide something to wipe the tears. You can ball tissues up in your hand or have them hidden with an attendant or you partner. Or better yet, you can pin a cute handkerchief to your bouquet for easy access.
  • Do not feel bad about halting the ceremony for a moment. It’s your wedding, you can take a pause and no one will think any less of you. In fact, it might make them cry even harder.
  • Have a makeup bag nearby so you can clean yourself up after the ceremony. Stash some eye drops if necessary to ward off red eyes, but also keep duplicates of whatever makeup you wear on hand. Waterproof mascara and eyeliner are great, but as a fellow crier, I know that us sob-sisters do just as much damage to the rest of our face while wiping snotty noses and teary cheeks.
  • Know there is no way that your tear-stained face will take away from your radiant smile. You may not like it, but that kind of naked joy is more beautiful than any perfectly made-up face.

And don’t worry about stage fright and people staring. Here’s a pro-tip from a theatre kid: Say you have a hundred guests and are up there with your official and three attendants each. Generally, the amount of people looking at you at any given moment is usually the number of people in the audience divided by the number of people on stage. Factor in those whose mind will wander as they look your decor, their purse for a tissue or your hot cousin in the third row and you’ll probably only have about eight people’s eyes on you at any given moment. That’s about the same amount of people looking at you as you tell a story at happy hour. Also, people tend to look at the person speaking, so they’ll mostly be watching your officiant. You’ll be fine.

*****

I had asked my mom’s hairdresser of 30+ years to do my hair for the wedding, along with the hair of two of my wedding party. He’s not just my mom’s hair dude, but a friend of the family who is coming to the wedding. I’ve done two trials with him and they’ve been disastrous. My hair looked like bad 80s prom. I’ve shown him pictures, told him what’s wrong and what needs to be done to be more like what I want, and he’s still sent me out the door without fixing it, with promises that it’ll be more like the way I want on the wedding day. I should mention that he’s not doing this for free, I am paying him each time we try. My mother tells me I’m being obsessive about my hair and asking too much. My friends tell me that I have to like my hair or I’ll hate my pictures. The wedding is six weeks away. Do I owe him a third try? Do I try someone else and see if its me that has unjustified expectations? If I do try someone else, and like it, how do I tell him that this isn’t working?
~Help, Hair Horror Heroine

Dear HHHH,
Two times is plenty of time to give this friendor. Break up, pronto, so you can find someone else to help you handle your hair. It’s not that he’s a bad stylist, he’s just not giving you what you want. And I doubt it’s unjustified expectations; if so, he should have already told you, “Honey, your hair is not going to do that. This is as close as I can get.” Find another stylist and once you’re satisfied that person can do your hair your way, let the friendor know that you really appreciate his work but you are going somewhere else. Also let him know how excited you are to see him at the wedding. Will his feelings get hurt? Possibly. But this man has been doing hair for at least thirty years. You won’t be the first client to break up with him, nor will you be the last. But make sure to give your mom a head’s up before you do it; this is obviously a friend as well as a hair stylist and you don’t want her to find out mid-perm that you’re using someone else.

And seriously? Bad 80’s prom hair in your wedding pictures for all time? Think about that for a minute. Oh, look, you just called a new stylist. Question answered. You’re welcome!

*****

My best friend, whom I’ve known since we were 13, is getting married next summer (yay!). And she’s asked me to be her maid of honor (double yay!). I’m honored to be invited to participate in her wedding in such a huge way, but being a bridesmaid isn’t cheap. I’m a college student with a pretty skimpy salary, and between the dress, accessories, events, and commuting back and forth across the state to participate in things like showers and dress shopping, I simply don’t have the budget to get her a nice wedding gift (let alone one for the wedding and one for the shower). While I know that my participation is gift enough for her and that a thoughtful card or cheap registry purchase would be enough, those options feel really impersonal for someone who’s been my single biggest supporter for the past seven years.

My question is, is it appropriate to offer a service in lieu of an item as a wedding present? I’m a big baker and have a lot of experience with graphic design—would it be okay to offer to cater deserts for one of the pre-wedding bashes or help them design their invites and other paper goods? The couple is operating on a tight budget for their wedding and I think a gift that would help defray their costs would be preferable to cookie sheets (or something), but I don’t want to put the bride-to-be in a position where she feels like she can’t say no if she would rather work with a professional. Help!

~Bea the Broke Bridesmaid
 

Dear BBB,
I think that’s a great idea! Don’t mention your money troubles; just offer up your services as a gift, and see what she says. There’s a chance she might say no, if only because she already has something planned or someone else is paying for those services, so if she says no make sure that you don’t take it personally.

And you can definitely still use your skills, even if she doesn’t need you for the wedding. Get creative, maybe you can design stationery for them as a couple and have a small amount printed but give them the file for future printing? Offer up a voucher to bake them an amazing cake for the anniversary? I’m totally spit-balling, but a meaningful present does not mean an expensive present. Also? Know that a thoughtful card is NOT impersonal in any way shape or form. Heart-warming words do the soul much more good than a damn juicer anyway. And you might keep them longer.

*****

What about you Team Practical. Did you react as expected on your wedding day? Did you brave a storm of tears, or stage fright, and have advice? What do you say about firing friendors and giving gifts from the heart. Weigh in.

If you would like to ask Team Practical a question please don’t be shy! You can email Alyssa at: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though we prefer if you make up a totally ridiculous sign-off like conflicted and rageful but deeply in love in Detroit (CARBDILID, duh). We’re not kidding. It brings us joy. What, you don’t want to bring your editors JOY?!?

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