Groom Guest Post: The Other Point of View

David here, the “better half” at chez practical. I have been asked, well maybe more persuasively requested, to write a guest blog from the other-gendered point-of-view. I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with something to write for this first guest blog and decided that it may be best to use my insights into the male mind to aid you all along in the happiest day of YOUR life.

Which brings me to my point: It’s not the happiest day in your life. There are many reasons for this. First, I hope to God, for the sake of each and every one of you, that your wedding does not end up being the happiest day in your life. Children, grandchildren, promotions, hell, even a great vacation – these should be the happiest days in your life. The point – they’re well ahead of you, perhaps somewhere around the age of 45 (and if you ARE 45, let’s say 75). Most importantly, though, and I know that the industry is myopically unaware of this fact, there is another person there: Your Groom (my apologies to my LGBT friends for this gendered post).

I know, sometimes he doesn’t seem to be listening as you tell him about the great dress you just saw online. But let me just remind you that sometimes you do this in the middle of something he’s watching on tv. But trust me, he’s interested. But here’s the sticky part, he’s not interested in every detail. Think “He’s just not into you”, with “you” replaced by fill-in-the-blank (flowers, placecards, centerpieces). Let me repeat this for the back of the room, he’s not interested. No, this doesn’t mean he secretly-has-an-opinion-but-he-
is-afraid-to-say-it. I have this conversation all the time with Meg – sometimes my mind is a blank slate of opinion.** No amount of sitting down and reflecting on my feelings is going to change that. It’s done. There’s nothing there. Live with it.

But just because he’s not interested in all the details, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about the wedding reflecting both of your tastes. For example, I put down my foot: No Pastels! I can’t stand the flowery, poofy, pastelly “romantic” look. And you know what? If I really can’t stand it, it shouldn’t be in the wedding. I want to be able to look back at pictures of my wedding day and think that the lack of pale blue/light pink color combinations was because it was OUR wedding, and not just my partner’s.

So just like you need to sit down with your parents and ask them what they feel is important (because it’s not just the collective YOUR day, it’s partly their day too), ask your partner. If it’s only one thing, your job is easy. If it’s more, listen to the reasons. If there are no reasons, don’t push. Sometimes there are no reasons. The male mind is one big Id sometimes, and that’s ok.

**Note from Meg: It’s just that I can’t imagine not having a opinion about something. Heck, if I don’t care, I make up a opinion just so I can have a point of view. One of the many reasons I’m a DELIGHT, I tell you!

Picture: What David secretly dreams our wedding will look like. Or did he say it was his nightmare? Can’t remember. From here.

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  • My “same-gendered” partner also didn’t have a firm opinion on quite as many details, but she did care about the overall picture. I, however, have an opinion about which cloud is the best and a preference for the color carrousel horsie I get…. goes back a long time. : )

  • Meg, I loved your note at the end of the post! haha! i beg my fiance to have an opinion on something like the invitations or the overall color scheme…but he just doesn’t have one! I cannot fathom it. Of course when it comes to my HAIR, he has a specific vision in mind. Are you kidding me!? You don’t have an opinion on ANYTHING except for what my hair looks like?!?! ugh. (sorry, i just had to get that rant out). loved the guest post today :)

  • Ha ha, great post David! :-D

    All very recognisable to me… but for those women who have been in their relationships a while, surely not such a surprise? I mean, after five years together, I’ve come to realise that my partner genuinely doesn’t have an opinion about a lot of stuff I care about. I genuinely don’t have an opinion about the snooker, fast cars or some of the crap he watches on TV. We’re different people who care about different stuff.

    But I loved how you broke it down to explain that men do care about the overall effect, but not so much about the details that build it. I suppose that’s why women get frustrated, because they work on every detail (because they want to, of course) but the groom’s opinions ten do be more holistic, or – dare I say it – sweeping.

    Interesting perspective… great post :)

  • Great post, David!

    “No amount of sitting down and reflecting on my feelings is going to change that. It’s done. There’s nothing there. Live with it.”

    Surely that can’t be true? I jest. The candor of those four sentences cracked me up.

  • I mean in context of course….

  • Thanks for reminding everyone of this important point, David! (Yeah, every time I see one of those over-the-top-pink weddings, my first thought is “Wow, that groom had NO say in this….”)

    Not only do I have a STRONG opinion on most things, but sometimes I tend to use my poor beloved to figure it out. (Hearing his “suggestion” helps me realize what *I* really want.) “What should we have for dinner.” “Chinese.” “Tacos! TACOS would be perfect!” Never even realized I was doing it till the poor man pointed it out.

    And Jessica Lynn, the hair thing doesn’t surprise me one bit: Think of it, you dream of the dress, or the look of the reception hall, or whatever, but HE’s been dreaming of gazing at his beautiful bride. He must have a particular picture in mind of what that would look like.

  • Seriously- I can never wrap my brain around the fact that my fiance “doesn’t care” or “doesn’t know” or “has no opinion” about things I ask him for thoughts on. I try telling him that can’t be possible… How can a person’s brain be so devoid of thoughts or feelings or opinions when my head is swirling with them every waking moment of every day!? GAH! I

    Interesting to read this, I guess maybe all guys are really like that… *sigh*

  • Wait, isn’t the point that not “all guys” are like “that” and vice versa, though there may be statistical probability. Also, we’ve frankly raised men to think they’re not supposed to care about stuff like this.

  • I sent my fiance the link to your post and he thought it was very funny :) He cares about the big picture but doesn’t think about the details 24 hours a day like I do :) He’s more like the project manager and I’m like the project coordinator of the wedding :)
    Meg, I’m so happy I found your blog, it’s made me laugh and helped me remember what’s important :)

  • LOL!! Love the male point of view.

    Sometimes it’s frustrating when Chris doesn’t have an opinion… because I may be on the fence about something and want his opinion to help make my decision!
    But he’s been pretty good, and I think I’ve been really good at listening to him when he does have an opinion!!

  • Anonymous

    My fiance hates pastels too. In fact, his only “opinion” on wedding colors was this:

    “Please no pink/green/aqua/yellow/
    lavendar/baby blue.

    I’d have been up sh*t creek had he also included orange, red, black and brown.

    Love the Groom’s guest post! Hope to see more in the future!

  • Meg

    And we do have to keep it all in perspective. David talks a big game, but he has hand designed our invitations, with only plenty of opinions (but no help) from me. And… I’m not sure there is that much he hasn’t had a opinion on yet :)

    So, he has a great point, but not all guys are like any one thing, for sure. And sometimes it’s not a guy, it’s a same gendered partner!

    And Jessica Lynn, I think Tara is right. In Offbeat Bride the book, she talks about something similar. One of the few things her fiance really cared about was her NOT having her makeup done. She did in the end, but she finally figured out part of what was going on was he really wanted her to look like “herself.”

  • Personally bro, it takes a real man to rock the pink pastels, and I think you can be that man.

  • Amen.
    And can I add that just because the groom doesn’t want to walk down the aisle to “Give Yourself To Love” doesn’t mean he’s a cold-hearted bastard?

  • this was great! thanks for the guest post!

    i’m guessing my groom probably feels similiarly. he has explained over and over that his lack of opinion does NOT mean he doesnt care…but i have a difficult time processing that bc if i dont have an opion its BECAUSE i dont care, lol.

    i’ve done my best not to press him to give me opinions on things that he probably doesn’t care…err…has no opinion on. such as the flowers. but certain things i won’t give up on bc they should reflect us both. he’s doing a good job of formulating opinions, lol

  • caroline

    Great post David! We’ve found out first-hand the ineffectiveness of randomly postulated “What do you think of…” questions, so now we set up “can-we-talk-about-wedding-things-at-this-particular-time-and-day” dates to more efficiently tackle wedding topics, sometimes with agendas hahaha. (Sometimes things are resolved purely on “Do you hate this, or not?”)

  • caroline

    Oh, and kudos for your point that this ought not to be the happiest day of our lives. I would hate to think that there would ever be a point in my life where I could not imagine more happiness to come.

  • J

    I love this. I, too, have an opinion on everything, and most people around me have heard of them all!

  • Sue

    I did enjoy reading this post and get a glimpse of the male perspective on wedding planning from the horse’s mouth, but one thing you said did bother me. Who is anyone to say when you should have the happiest day of your life? Perhaps for you it will be 25 years down the road when you get a big promotion and use your bonus to go on a fabulous vacation around the world. But for some men and women out there, the day that they make the enormous commitment to their partner–their wedding day–WILL BE the happiest day of their life. And good for them.

    • meg

      He’s not a blogger. He doesn’t parse all his words like I do, to make sure he says it exactly the right way, leaving all options open, offending no one. As a non-blogging male, my husband is just gonna lay it on you the way he sees it. And there is a certain beauty to that.

  • I certainly enjoyed reading this post with advice from the other side! It put some perspective on things for me. I also agree that the wedding day shouldn’t necessarily be the “happiest” day of your life, but could be ONE of MANY happy days in your lifetime