Is it Too Late to Fix My Bridal Shower?

Ask APW: Showers and in-laws

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Q: I have a question about my bridal shower. My future mother-in-law is very nice but twisted my arm a bit to do a shower. Over the years, I have been to many and really haven’t enjoyed them. I specifically didn’t want one and told her this, but my fiancé said that I had hurt her and needed to mend the situation. Against my better judgment, I apologized and offered that maybe we could do a small gathering. Now, an event has been planned and it’s not my taste at all. It’s very far from my home, and it’s a distance for my guests (they’ve all complained to me). She is requiring my mom to give a speech with her. My mom is feeling very uncomfortable about it. The food and decorations are awful, and she doesn’t have a unified theme. She’s giving battery-operated pinwheels as a wedding shower favor. They don’t have our names on them or the date. It’s all very odd. She has also spent a lot of money on the event. But, what frustrates me most is that she didn’t ask what I wanted. She didn’t get my input.

I am embarrassed to have my friends in attendance. I have tried to suggest changes to the menu and the event, but when I do she digs in and takes offense. At this point, it’s a few weeks away and I don’t know what to do. How can I make changes and not harm the relationship? Also, do I tell my fiancé what I think about this? He is not getting that I hate it.

Trying hard not to be ungrateful

A: Dear THNTBU,

Yep, tell your fiancé. But not with the intention of canceling or changing anything. Tell him so you can sort out the real core of this problem: the fact that you felt pressured to have the shower in the first place. You were uncomfortable with the idea, so it shouldn’t have happened. And now that your gut instinct is proven valid, it’s too late to go back on your agreement to have the dumb thing. Your mother-in-law shouldn’t have pressed the issue, sure. But there’s very little changing that. However, your fiancé should’ve had your back, and that’s something you can and should change. Did he ignore your concerns, or were you just unclear in communicating your discomfort? I don’t know. Sort that out right now so you’re ready for the next time your mother-in-law starts making demands and citing hurt feelings (sorry, lady, there will be a “next time”).

Now that the thing is happening, well. Unfortunately, you need to just suck up the rest. The thing to remember about bridal showers is that you’re not hosting it. You’re the guest, the recipient of this party-shaped gift. That means two things for you:

1. Beyond setting boundaries when something clashes with your core values or makes you—or someone you love—really uncomfortable, you don’t have a say in what happens. Even if it involves battery-operated pinwheels.

2. Everyone knows you’re not calling the shots, so there’s no need to feel responsible or embarrassed. Guests know you’re not planning this shower, so they won’t hold whatever happens against you. (Except maybe the oblivious friends complaining to you, which PS, who are these people?).

It sounds tricky, I guess, determining that line between what’s a matter of discomfort or disrespect, and what’s just a matter of taste. It’s something that depends on the situation, really. In this situation, mismatched decorations and gross food are issues of preference. Your mother-in-law is hosting, so she gets to call the shots there.

But, she doesn’t have the right to press your mom to do something that makes her feel uncomfortable, and that’s one point where you can step in. In the same way that I said your partner should have backed you, you now need to back your mom. You’re the connecting relationship, which means you have a role in making sure she doesn’t get forced into doing something the way you did. You got roped into the shower, but you can start establishing boundaries so that (hopefully) less roping happens in the future.

Talk to your fiancé. Stand your ground about Mom’s speech. Then, just pack a flask and brace yourself for the day. It’s unlikely it’ll be the worst day in the world. Maybe in your top five, but certainly not the worst.

And hey, you probably didn’t have a battery-operated pinwheel before!

If you would like to ask APW a question, please don’t be shy! You can email: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though it really makes our day when you come up with a clever sign-off! 

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