Q: My fiancé and I were planning a small, intimate rehearsal dinner with only immediate family and wedding party members and their partners. Then his parents generously offered to pay for the dinner. They’re insisting, though, we that we must invite all their relatives coming from out of town to the rehearsal dinner. That would mean a fifty-person event. We’re introverts and it’s important to us to have a small event with just our inner circle so we aren’t stressed the night before our wedding. But when we explain this to them, they just say, “The wedding isn’t only about you.” We also suggested having a Sunday brunch the day after the wedding that everyone is invited to. That way, there would still be another opportunity for people to socialize, and we could have the small rehearsal dinner we originally planned. But the parents don’t like that idea either. What should we do? We were thinking of saying no thanks to their money and paying for the event ourselves so that we don’t have these expectations.
Dinner Drama
A:
Dear DD,
This is one of those instances where you’re right. But, they’re also sort of right. Which, yes, makes my job harder, thanks for that.
When you read that sentence, “The wedding isn’t always about you,” it sounds annoying and accusatory. But, I’m guessing it’s not that his parents are trying to put you in your place or even insist that it should be all about them. If my guess is right, they probably just want to be hospitable and kind to the people they love who have traveled far. To take their (perhaps poorly worded) ideas and tweak them a bit: the wedding is also about being a gracious host.
So how can you do that? The brunch is certainly one way, but you say the parents don’t go for it. Which tells me that I could come up with ideas all day long, but may not hit it on the head because I don’t know exactly what it is the parents are shooting for. So, ask them. Why do they want everyone there? If it is about just hosting everyone and being generous to them and giving an extra opportunity to catch up, what’s wrong with a brunch?
And while you’re chatting with them, think about this rehearsal dinner yourselves. Fifty people is a number that sounds like an awful lot, but may not feel that big and crowded and raucous. A rehearsal dinner also isn’t as much of an event where you’ll need to be a focal point, mingling and welcoming everyone. At most of these things, people just eat and chat and there are maybe a handful of speeches, which you could easily skip. The rehearsal dinner, unlike the wedding, is more about the guests than the couple. And as a result, you may not feel as on display as you fear.
Of course, yes, you can just pay for it yourself if this talking and thinking gets you nowhere. Whoever pays calls the shots, that’s the cut and dry of it. But with these wedding decisions and parents, the money is an outside factor. Yes, you get to make the decisions if you foot the bill. But I’ll assume you at least marginally care about how the parents feel. That’s what makes these money and parent decisions so complicated. It just depends. In this specific instance, is it more important to you to keep the peace or stand your ground?
Answer that question first, and then worry about who pays later.
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