What We Need, What We Fear

If we had a Team Practical book club, this month we’d be reading The Meaning of Wife by Anne Kingston (thanks commenters).I’m letting you know, because if you want to snag a copy, go do it, so then you can debate me when we chat about it later. I have some problems with the book (I adore Nigella Lawson and her smart, sensual cookbooks, thanks) but it’s talk about the ‘wife gap’ – the gap in our cultural conversation between bride and mom, is worth a lot more discussion. Because even once we are moms, I hope that we’ll be allowed to define ourselves as self first, wife second, mom third (as eloquently discussed at Project Subrosa).

But in the comments back here, you guys got me thinking: how do we think about the marriages we want? One of you asked me if I was going to re-name this site A Practical Marriage, and my reaction was, “No! My big fear is of having a practical marriage.” The thing is, I have a practical disposition. I’m a saver not a spender and I like to drive the speed limit. So I’m worried of falling into the trap of doing all the marriage ‘shoulds,’ or at least the shoulds of my family and particular culture. I’m worried about saving up a down payment right away, but never seeing Italy. So for me, I tell myself that I want a brave marriage. Brave is what will push me to make sure we’re living the lives we want, or need to live, and not just living out our shoulds.

But what about you guys? What kind of marriage are you afraid you’ll have if you don’t pay attention? What kind of marriage do you really deeply want? I’m interested in the way we think about this, separately and collectively. I’m also pushing us to constructively disagree here. I think its laudable to want a practical marriage, and I could really learn from someone who did. I also don’t feel (for whatever reason) pressure to have a perfect marriage, but really empathise with those feeling that pressure.

What are you dreaming of? What are your fears?

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