My Friend Cheated and I Don’t Know How to Support Her

What should I say?

Q: One of my very oldest and dearest friends has always been a bit dramatic and self-involved. I have never thought of her as being a “bad” person since her self-created problems usually only affected herself: constantly spending money and then complaining about never having any savings, jumping from job to job, dating guys with no future, etc. However, about five years ago she met and married a wonderful man who was such a good fit for her. He followed her on some of her not-well-thought-out adventures, yet also kept her very stable. I felt like once she met him her life started going in a great direction, and she seemed incredibly happy. I also got married around the same time, so we really bonded over this next stage in our life.

Cut to a few months ago, when she revealed to me that she has been having an affair for the past six months with a man she met at work. I was shocked! I was also really sad myself as I have become friends with her husband over the years and did not want to see him hurt by her actions. But I have been her friend first and foremost, so I have been listening to her agonize over deciding between her husband and this “exciting” and “passionate” (her words) man. Last month she came clean to her husband because she said she wanted to make things work, and he agreed to see a couples counselor.

Well, yesterday she called me to say that her husband officially wants a divorce because he found her cell phone records and discovered that while they were seeing the couples counselor and trying to make it work, she was still contacting this other man. She is very upset about the divorce and repeatedly says how much she cares about her husband and how it is hard for her to picture her life without him. We have been friends for a long time and I want to be there for her, but I also think she has taken her drama too far this time. I know that her husband wasn’t perfect and neither was their marriage—she says the reason she started the affair was that her husband was incredibly busy with his new job and she felt bored and neglected. I understand how that would be hard, but I am so disappointed that instead of talking to him about it she went behind his back and then continued to lie to him even during counseling. She says I am the only person she feels like she can talk to at this point, but frankly I don’t know if I want to talk to her right now, and when I do, I am never quite sure what to say. How do I counsel her through something that I am pretty upset about myself?

—Was a True Friend

A: Dear WTF,

As tough as this situation is (and it is tough), it’s so awesome to hear what a good friend you’ve been so far. Really. Listening without judgment is the best thing you could’ve done in this not-so-great situation. But the deeper your friend digs herself into this situation, the harder it is to keep listening, isn’t it?

At this point, I’d probably quit with the helpful, supportive listening and give her a bit of honesty. Yes, yes, of course you don’t want her to feel judged, and as an adult she has license to make her own choices (even if they’re rotten). But folks who are in cycles of self-destructive behavior sometimes could use a friend to point out the self-destructive part. In fact, it makes it easier to bring it all up. I’m guessing she already can figure out that cheating on her husband and continuing to lie about it are not very nice things to do to him. But, she might not have considered that they’re awful things for her to do to herself.

You could also consider backing up for a bit. It’s incredibly exhausting to care about someone who makes one awful choice after another. If you need it, take a break. Step away for a short time. It’s stressful, frustrating, and draining to put care and effort into someone who isn’t reciprocating that care and effort. At the very least you may need to recharge before diving back in. But, if you’re being honest, you may need more than that. You may need to break off completely.

It may sound a bit cruel, but it could be time to consider whether this friendship is really of any worth to either of you. Don’t hear me wrong on this. This isn’t about your disappointment, or even her affair. Sure, your friend made some bad decisions, but we all do that sometimes. Right now, she’s probably taking a good bit more than she’s giving in your relationship. It happens to the best of us. Those things aren’t the issue. The fact that they are habitual and unrelenting, is. There’s only so much of that a person can take before it begins to affect your own emotional well-being. Apart from what this friend has done to her husband (which, frankly, is only your business so much as she lets you in), what has her friendship done to you? And has confiding in you done anything really beneficial for her? She claims you’re the only person she can talk to, but even then, is she being completely honest with you about things? It sounds as though you’re finding out new information at the same rate as her husband. It’s really, really hard to know how to be a supportive friend in a situation when you’re not getting the full story. That sort of thing challenges the integrity of your friendship, it erodes your ability to support her, and it doesn’t help her in any real way.

Although all of that is true, perhaps you’re not ready to throw in the towel just yet. At the very least, you may need to create some boundaries for yourself. If that doesn’t involve a complete break, maybe it means you answer fewer of her calls. Maybe specific nights should be free of this particular drama. Whatever it takes to guard your sanity, do that.

If you decide to stick it out for the next round of struggle with this friend, that’s awesome. But, be sure to keep tabs on your own emotional well-being. Take care of yourself so that supporting your friend doesn’t destroy your friendship.

If you would like to ask APW a question, please don’t be shy! You can email: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though it really makes our day when you come up with a clever sign-off! 

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